CHAPTER 18
The next morning I’m on the terrace, waiting for everyone to appear for breakfast. I had to scrape around for the money to buy the bread this morning and decided against cinnamon swirls. Fortunately Keith has made another cake he brings to the table to the pickers’ delight.
‘Banana cake,’ he says. ‘Thought it might be a breakfast thing, with a hint of lavender. And great with butter – especially French butter!’
And suddenly I want to cry. But I won’t. I’ve cried enough. I can’t believe any of this is happening.
‘So, here’s the thing,’ I start, just as Stephanie arrives carrying little Louis on her hip. He holds out his arms to me. I take him from her, and Tomas hugs me. She kisses me on both cheeks. I clear my throat and wish I’d talked to her about this but now I’ve started I need to carry on. Everyone is looking at me, waiting.
‘So …’ My palms sweat and I place Louis on the floor. He immediately hugs Ralph instead. ‘As you know, things have changed since you all arrived here.’ I feel hot, light-headed, sick.
‘I was running the bistro, Henri’s, but with Henri’s recent death, and his son arriving to take over the building, it looks like I’m out of a job for the time being.’ My mind is whirring. Where will I find another? I’m not qualified to do anything else here. ‘I don’t have any income right now, and won’t until the lavender starts to sell at the market. Offering to have you all here and feed you in return for your work on the harvest is proving …’ I clear my throat, ‘… problematic. So, I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you all go.’
‘Oh, no!’ There’s a universal cry of dismay.
‘I’m so sorry.’ There’s a lump in my throat. I take a big swig of coffee.
Marco shrugs and Maria glares at him.
‘Well, it was nice, but I can’t wait to get to the coast!’ He smiles widely.
‘Marco, I thought you said you were happy for me to come here, find my roots, what I was looking for?’
‘Yes, but, Mar, that was when I thought we were going to be sunning it in St-Tropez, watching football in Barcelona, or drinking beer in Rome. You’re the one with the permanently itchy feet, trying to work out where you came from!’
I see her eyes smart. She tosses back her dark hair and sniffs, looking upwards, then back at me. ‘It’s complicated,’ she says. ‘I’m complicated. I just … This trip was about taking some time off from work. I sort of—’
‘Went doolally!’ Marco laughs. No one else does.
‘I was burned out,’ she says quietly. ‘I gave up my business. I’d become just about the business and nothing else.’
‘What was it?’ I ask.
‘Holiday lets. Running them, advertising them, dealing with the owners and the renters. It was a lot.’
‘So you sold the business?’
She nods.
‘Some mug paid well over the odds,’ Marco interjects.
I’m already feeling prickly towards him this morning.
‘We’re on our way to Italy to see if I can feel that’s where I’m supposed to be in life, if that’s where my roots are. My true home.’
‘We don’t have anything other than an empty nest to go home to,’ says Keith.
‘I still need a new clutch,’ says Jen. ‘Don’t think the van’s going anywhere. Bit like my life in it – looks idyllic on the outside, but knackered and miserable under the bonnet!’
They all laugh.
Then Maria speaks. She may have sold her business but her business brain hasn’t left her.
‘We could do what the mayor suggested and start a supper club,’ says Maria. ‘We all pitch in and cover the bills with the money we make.’
There’s agreement around the table.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I say. ‘I couldn’t let you do that.’
‘Why not? It’s not like any of us have anywhere we’re rushing to.’
Ed agrees. ‘I’m happy to stay on here as long as I can. Last thing I want is to have to go back and start working at the law firm.’
‘Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted to do?’ asks Graham.
Ed shakes his head. ‘It’s what my parents wanted me to do. It’ll make them very proud.’
‘Wouldn’t you rather be a chef?’ asks Maria.
‘I can’t. My parents … It’s complicated. They’re very proud of me becoming a lawyer. I can’t let them down. This is just my summer out, before I have to start working with the firm. It’s a deal we sort of made …’ He waves his hands as if he’s juggling. ‘After I left, when I told them I couldn’t go through with the wedding, I said I’d be back in September to start my new job. The cooking thing, like I said, I was watching these programmes and they helped. Y’know, when you have stuff going on in your head …’
‘So you never really wanted to be a lawyer?’ asks Keith.
‘It seemed like a good choice when I was picking courses. My parents were delighted. First person in the family to go to uni.’
‘And now?’
He shrugs. ‘I can’t not. It would break them. I just have to enjoy this summer.’
There’s a lull.
‘It’s a lovely idea but I think it’s best if I just call off the harvest. I’m sorry. There’s no rush, it’s just I can’t afford your keep.’
‘You should charge people to come and stay here. It’s a wonderful place. I’ve never felt so calm,’ Maria says.
‘Nor me,’ says Jen, checking her phone. ‘Oh, saying that, looks like I’ve found a clutch and it’s on its way. Do you mind if I stay on until it arrives? I’ll keep myself to myself.’
‘It’s fine. I’m happy to have you here. All of you! It’s just that, without Henri’s bistro, I’ve no income, and the lavender won’t bring in much, even once it’s dried.’
‘And what will you do now? Without Henri’s?’
I let out a long sigh. The words ‘Sell up and go home’ are on the tip of my tongue. But where’s home? Certainly not with my ex-husband, his new partner and their baby in England. ‘I don’t know. I – I had nothing when I decided to stay here. Apart from a bucketful of debt and a daft dog!’ I look at Ralph, who lifts his head and pants.
‘Sounds like you’ve come a long way,’ says Keith.
‘I have,’ I say slowly, feeling that each of the people staying here now is feeling in some way how I felt when I first came here, at a crossroads in life, trying to find the right path forward.
‘But something about this place just made me feel safe. As if I was at home. I took it day by day, and, with the help of people like Henri, I started to find my feet. I’ve tried the bank for a loan, but they refused. Remortgaging was a no-no. I need to find another job.’
‘Or get the bistro back,’ Jen says.
‘There must be a way,’ Maria agrees.
I shrug. ‘Right now, I need an income. I can’t rely on the lavender.’
‘You can work with me on the lavender cakes and bakes,’ Stephanie offers. ‘You started the business.’
‘No,’ I say firmly. ‘You need the money. You have a family and a home to pay for.’
‘What about new premises? Somewhere to rent?’ says Maria. ‘A pop-up restaurant?’
‘Well,’ I start to think, ‘I suppose I could ask my friend Carine if she knows of anywhere.’ But even if I found somewhere, could I actually cook? Out of the kitchen at Henri’s, I haven’t been able to.
They all smile.
‘In the meantime, we’ll do some more of the harvest,’ says Keith.
‘I’ll look at trains,’ says Graham, sadly.
‘I guess I’ll look at flights,’ says Ed.
‘Best I get that new clutch in,’ says Jen.
And I feel wretched. I’ve let them all down.
I step into the cool of the kitchen and wash my face. When I turn away from the sink, I see Keith and Graham have followed me.
‘We could lend you some money, if it would help,’ says Graham.
‘No, no, thank you, but I couldn’t.’
‘We really don’t mind. This trip and being here is just what we needed. We’d be happy to help out.’
‘We would,’ agrees Keith, although I’m not sure that he agrees this trip is exactly what they needed.
And as much as I would love to take them up on the offer, I really can’t.
‘Are you sure?’ Graham says. ‘A bridging loan?’
‘I’ve come this far without taking handouts. I can’t start now. But thank you.’
These people, whom I’ve only just met, feel like lifelong friends.