Chapter 22 #2
“That’s not surprising.” Rafael felt stupidly jealous of her students then, that they got to keep in touch. They got to be near her, to openly adore her. They got to make the decision to be in her life while he fell by the wayside.
“I’m sorry, Rafael,” she said softly.
He took a small amount of satisfaction at the sadness in her eyes, but it also made him remember that she’d given him up, too. She’d given him up when she could have fought for him. She could have believed it when he told her how he felt. She could have at least tried.
He swallowed and buried every painful thought that flashed through his mind. He didn’t want her to read any of it on his face or hear any of the ache in his voice. “Don’t apologize, Grace. You did what you had to do.”
She nodded and walked back toward her bedroom door. “Goodnight,” she said, so quietly he almost could have missed it. Then she slipped into her bedroom without another glance at him.
“Goodnight,” he whispered to the closed door.
He couldn’t stop himself from helping her move her belongings. He’d convinced her to live with him and helped her move in, the least he could do was help her get her stuff out.
“You don’t have to,” she said, of course.
She was always saying “thank you” or “sorry,” always trying to avoid taking up too much space or inconveniencing anyone.
He wanted to scream at her, to tell her she deserved everything, that she should take up loads of space and expect all the help in the world, that she could ask anything of him and he’d do it.
“I don’t have to,” he said, “but here I am.”
He carried her suitcases up the three flights of stairs, just as he had the night she’d arrived in Granada. The apartment looked completely normal. You couldn’t even tell it had just been through a flood and weeks of construction. It didn’t even smell bad, which was one of Alma’s great concerns.
“Hi Rafa,” Alma said, kissing him on both cheeks in the entryway.
This was how she’d acted the few times he’d seen her since she discovered his relationship with Grace—as if it had never happened at all.
As if she hadn’t been so concerned that he would fall for her best friend that she’d completely dissolved his relationship with said best friend and any chance they had together.
He supposed he should have been relieved Alma wasn’t angry with him, but he also couldn’t help being angry with her.
Sure, Grace was one of the most important people in her life, but what if Grace had also become one of the most important people in his life as well? Didn’t that count for anything?
Grace walked in behind him, carrying a backpack and a lamp. “How did I already collect so much stuff here? It’s only been a few months.”
“It must be because you feel so at home.” Alma smiled. “You’ve settled right in.”
She’d settled right in with him, in his apartment. That’s where she’d felt so at home, Rafael thought, but he kept his mouth shut. There was no use fighting that battle. He’d already lost.
“I’ll just take these to the bedroom,” he said, gesturing toward the suitcases.
He heaved them across the brand-new floor while Grace and Alma adjusted plants and lamps in the living room.
Once he was alone, he stared at Grace’s bed.
It was the first thing they’d moved back into her room.
He couldn’t help feeling like it didn’t belong there, like it didn’t look quite right.
He stared and stared, unmoving, forgetting what he was supposed to be doing.
“Raf?” Grace said, walking up behind him. “Everything okay?”
He blinked, clearing his head. “Yeah. Is there something else I can help with?”
She stopped right beside him, both of them scanning the room. Then he could feel her eyes on him. “It seems like forever since I’ve been here,” she said. “I forgot what it looked like.”
He turned to meet her gaze, and then they stayed like that for a moment, staring. Wanting. At least, he knew that’s what he was doing—wishing everything was different, wishing he wasn’t about to walk out of her apartment with no reason to see her again.
He moved his arm, almost imperceptibly, and his hand just barely brushed against hers. She didn’t pull away though. She didn’t look away from him either.
“I’m really struggling with this rug!” Alma called.
Grace jerked her hand out of reach. “On it,” she called. She gave Rafael a sad smile. “It is a really big rug. Alma picked it out.”
“I guess we should help her.”
They unrolled the massive thing in the living room without making eye contact.
They weren’t alone the rest of the day, but sometimes he noticed her glancing in his direction.
She still looked at him, and maybe that was a good sign.
Or maybe it was just another form of torture.
He needed to accept that he couldn’t have her. He needed to let it go.
Alma continued to act as if nothing had ever happened, which he supposed is what Grace wanted all along.
If Alma was happy, they could get on with their lives, never mind the fact that he was brokenhearted for the first time in his entire life.
That didn’t matter as long as they could pretend.
They just had to act like it was normal, and maybe someday it would be true.
Rafael couldn’t imagine that though, especially not when they finished organizing the furniture, and it was time for him to go.
He should have been kissing Grace goodbye, should have been making plans to see her again as soon as possible.
Instead, he didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.
He didn’t know if he’d ever have a reason to be alone with her again, and the thought cut through him like a dagger.
“Thanks for the help, Rafa,” Alma chirped.
He nodded. “See you at the Picasso party?” he asked. He glanced toward Grace as well, since he was really asking her, and he noticed her flinching before she turned back to the bookshelf she was organizing.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” Alma said.
“Don’t call it a Picasso party,” Grace said, and maybe he was fooling himself, but there seemed to be a tinge of humor to her voice. She just couldn’t stop herself from correcting him. “That was kind of my whole point, remember?”
Rafael tried to match her nonchalance, but his response was flat. “Ah, yes, we are not celebrating the man. I know that. And there are a lot of other artists there to admire.”
Alma looked confused. “I’ll be interested to see it.”
“Right…yeah. I’ll see you there then.” Rafael rubbed the back of his head, and without another word from Grace, without another look, he left to return to his very empty apartment.