30. Ben
ben
I wake up alone. Not even the cats are sleeping with me. I had gotten used to falling asleep with my arms wrapped tightly around a snoring Emily while Buffy and Spike surrounded us. It’s rare that I wake up after Emily, and I wonder if she’s still in the apartment.
I strain my ears but don’t hear anything.
My phone was discarded with my jeans the night before. I groan as I lean over the side of the bed and pull my phone out of the back pocket.
I see several notifications, including new messages. When I open them, I quickly realize that they aren’t from Emily. I rub my eyes as if I could erase the image of the message from my mind.
I knew she had been too quiet, and it was only a matter of time before she would start messaging me again. I need to put an end to this and make sure Melissa knows without a doubt that we are never, ever getting back together.
I pull on my hair as the catchy song echoes in my sleepy mind. Maybe I should play the song on repeat so she catches my drift.
Reluctantly, I reply to Melissa’s message and groan at the mess I created.
I check my other messages, and sure enough, there is one from Emily saying she went to hot yoga and she’d be back for lunchtime. She added some kissy face emojis at the end of her message, making me smile.
I shoot her a quick reply to let her know I saw her message. I’m thankful to be alone as a goofy smile spreads across my face. I know I’ll see Emily again soon, but I miss her already.
I’m shocked by how much I miss her. We’ve only been together for a few months, but it feels like years.
In the privacy of our apartment, we’ve found a sanctuary to delve into our emotions and deepen our connection.
Though my feelings for her are intense, everything feels right.
My life feels like it’s all clicking into place for the very first time.
Her confession last night made me realize how little control we have over our lives.
Had I not been in a relationship when I met Emily, we would likely have ended up together.
I remember the day we met clearly. It was the first time I was disappointed at being in a relationship with Melissa.
To make up for the guilt, I threw myself into our relationship.
I know I’m responsible for our ruin; it was inevitable from the start.
It appears the universe is offering me a do-over, and I intend to make the most of it. It’s a terrifying sensation, a gut-wrenching blend of fear and a fragile, flickering hope. I am determined not to fuck things up with Emily.
I hop in the shower and get ready, barely resisting the urge to rub one out to thoughts of Emily on her knees—again. I needed to get a move on so I could be back by the time Emily returned.
Pulling out of the driveway, I notice a familiar silver sedan parked at the end of the street. I drive past it slowly, making a note of the license plate, and head to the cafe.
I walk into the small cafe and spot Melissa sitting against the wall in the back.
I make my way over to her and suppress the grimace when she waves me over excitedly.
It is probably misleading to agree to meet with her, but what I have to say needs to be done in person. I should have said it months ago.
“Ben! Hi! Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice.” Melissa stands up as if to hug me, but I promptly sit down. I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings about the meeting.
“Hey, Melissa.” I offer a tight-lipped smile as she takes her seat across from me.
She fiddles with her coffee cup, suddenly unsure of herself.
“Listen, we need to talk.” The words sound harsh even to my own ears, and I suppress a groan.
“What is it?” Melissa sits up straight, hope shining in her eyes.
“I should have done this months ago, but… Anyways, it’s over, and I don’t want to keep stringing you along.”
I watch as the words sink in and resist the urge to reach over the table to comfort her. Melissa and I have so much history together, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her. But I know that not having a clean break has been doing so much damage.
“Oh.” Melissa sinks back in her seat. “I see.”
“You can keep the ring,” I offer as an olive branch.
It was the wrong thing to say as anger morphs her features.
“Keep the ring? Of course, I’m keeping the ring!” Melissa stands up, and the next thing I know, she’s pulling off the cap of her coffee and tossing its contents on my face.
I’m shocked into silence as the other patrons gasp at Melissa’s action. She slams the empty cup on the table and storms off.
A barista walks over with a handful of paper towels, a mop, and a grimace. I accept the paper towels gratefully and try to clean up the mess. Thankfully, it was iced coffee, so I didn’t have to worry about getting burned by scalding liquid.
“That was rough,” the barista comments as he starts to mop up the ground.
“Yeah. But I deserved it.”
The barista nods at me as if he knew that was the case.
I reek of French vanilla when I finally get back to the apartment. Emily’s car is in the driveway, so I know she’s home. There was no way of hiding what happened since I didn’t have a spare shirt to change into on the way home.
When I walk into the apartment, Emily has music playing as she vacuums. I can hear her moving around as I slowly make my way up the stairs.
She startles when she spots me covered in coffee stains.
“What happened to you?” She gasps as a hand covers her mouth in shock.
“Let me shower, and I’ll tell you.”
Emily nods, and I give her a peck on her nose before making my way into the bathroom.
By the time I’m showered and dressed, I find Emily waiting for me in the living room. She has an episode of Friends playing while Buffy sleeps on her lap. Spike is sleeping in a sunny spot across the back of the couch.
I run my hands through my damp hair anxiously. I’m not sure how this is going to go, but I know it’s time to come clean. I move to sit across from her, and Emily notices the distance I purposely left between us. She sits up straighter, dislodging Buffy, who yowls in protest.
“What is it?” Her brows furrow in concern.
“I need to tell you something,” I start, hands clenched in my lap. I take in a deep breath and tell her everything. “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
I can see her anxiety mounting, and I gesture with my hands for her to wait.
“I just saw Melissa. She’s the one who threw her coffee at me.”
“Melissa? Your ex?” Emily pales, the color draining from her face as she takes in my words.
“It was nothing. I needed to see her in person to tell her that things were definitely over for us.”
“What do you mean? I thought you guys have been over?”
“Yes and… no.” I sigh and run my hands across my face. “You know that I broke off the engagement back in October.”
Emily nods for me to continue.
“Well… it wasn’t the last time that we…”
“You guys had sex?” She gapes at me, and I feel like the biggest dirtbag in the entire universe.
“Yes.” I hang my head in shame.
“Oh my god.” I glance up to see she’s covered her mouth with her hands in horror.
“It was just the one time, and I knew it was a mistake,” I rush to explain, but I don’t know if my words are making things worse.
“One time?” Her throat bobs as she gulps.
“Yes, only once. In November. Before you and I even moved in together.” My leg bounces in agitation. The urge to rush to her and hold her in my arms is impossible to ignore.
“Oh. Okay.” She seems unsure what to do with the news.
“That’s not all. Melissa has been messaging me since then. I’ve ignored all of her messages until today.”
“Today. Why today?”
That was a good question, but I’m not sure she’s ready for that answer. If anything, I might send her running scared if I admit how I really feel about her.
“I needed her to know that I was never getting back together with her.” I gestured to myself, indicating my fresh change of clothes. “She obviously wasn’t happy with the news.”
“Oh.” Her tense shoulders relax.
“Say something,” I plead as I study her guarded expression.
After a contemplative moment, she looks at me, and I swear I feel her digging through the depths of my entire existence with her beautiful brown eyes.
“Do you still love her?”
“No.” I shake my head. “It was a moment of weakness, but I don’t love her. I haven’t loved her in a very long time.”
Emily nods absently and pets Buffy as she considers my words.
“Okay.” She licks her dry lips.
“Okay?”
“I believe you.” She offers a tentative smile.
Hearing those words does something to me. My heart, which had been weighed down with guilt, feels lighter with her acceptance. I had expected Emily to cry or, hell, yell at me for keeping this from her, but she’d done neither of those things.
I’ve been so conditioned to expect the worst from women, so I’m not sure how to handle Emily’s acceptance. Did she forgive me for keeping the messages from her? I hope so.
“Oh, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah. Anything.”
“Why do you call me tiger?”
“Well, for starters, it’s because you’re fierce like one.” I pause as I think about my next words. “And I admire your strength in being able to pick yourself up and move on. I don’t think a lot of people could have done what you did in your situation.”
“You really think so?” She bites her lips as she considers my words.
“Yeah, I do.” I stand up. I want to go to her, but I also respect that she may need some space from me right now. She stares up at me, and I fall into her eyes.
She stands up slowly, picking up Buffy and setting her to the side. She takes a step toward me, and I lurch forward and embrace her. I hug her to my chest, breathing in her scent. It feels like the first breath I’ve been able to take all day.
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner,” I murmur into her soft hair.
“I’m disappointed you didn’t tell me sooner,” she admits, her words muffled against my chest.
“I know.”
I vow in that moment that I would never disappoint her ever again.