Chapter 23 #2
“No, not yet. I want to talk to you first.” Taking me by the hand, he sat us down on the sofa, Max following and plopping down at our feet.
Mike rubbed Max’s head absently, so I waited until he was ready to talk. A few minutes later, he turned to me.
“I wanted to say thank you for suggesting I talk to Pastor. I have a long way to go, but tonight we talked about a lot of things that have been bothering me for years. Things that will mean a conversation with my parents when they get back.” Looking at him more closely, I could see that he looked tired, but there was a new spark in his eyes. It looked a lot like hope.
“That’s probably a good idea. We hold on to so much from our childhood. I could see it when you were talking to them at the wedding, how much you miss them.” I pushed the hair from his forehead back, and he closed his eyes.
He sighed and opened them again. “I also told him about my fight with depression. He said he wanted to strip it all down and get to the root, but for now, he said some things that helped me tremendously.”
I pushed back all the way to lean into the sofa and placed a soft pillow on my lap. “Lay back and just tell me what you want me to know. I’m listening.”
Without hesitation, he took off his shoes, the motion making Max grumble in his sleep at the disturbance. We chuckled as Mike laid his head on the pillow, making it easier for me to run my fingers through his hair as he spoke.
“He addressed my shame at feeling like I had to hide my struggle with depression, reminding me that so many of the great men and women in the Bible had faced something similar. The one that he talked about tonight was Elijah. After he’d watched God rain fire down from Heaven and defeated the prophets of Baal, he ran away after Jezebel threatened his life.
I’d forgotten that part of his story in 1 Kings 19. ”
He hummed as I lightly massaged his temples. Looking down at him, I said, “I remember reading about it. Elijah had watched God do a miracle that would turn the Israelites back to Him. I loved that story. But I can’t remember what came next.”
Mike pulled one of my hands to his lips and kissed my palm.
While he massaged my hand, he said, “Well, from there Elijah became afraid, and he ran to a mountain alone, where he told God he was done, didn’t even want to live.
And then God let him rest under a tree and had an angel wake him up and give him water and bread to strengthen him. ”
He kissed my palm again and sat up, facing me.
“Pastor reminded me that God didn’t scold Elijah for feeling defeated and depressed. He met his physical needs and gave him time to recoup. There was no shame spoken to Elijah. No words of condemnation about not being strong enough.” His words caught, and he had to stop.
“That’s a powerful truth, Mike. Wow. I don’t remember that part.”
Mike held my hand, his thumb rubbing my palm, looking down at it.
“Yeah, it is. We talked a little about my recurring feelings of shame about things I’d done before coming to God.
He gave me an example of laying down my heavy burden of shame, using a rock to explain it.
How that, when I let condemnation and shame in, it was like picking that rock back up and carrying them with me again. ”
“Is that how you’ve been feeling? I know you said something similar to me.”
He sighed heavily, looking back at me. “I have. I kept telling myself that I’d brought God shame for letting myself get like this. But Pastor said I was carrying a burden I was never meant to, just like you’d said.” His words were stirring something in me, but my focus was on my husband.
“I think being authentic and admitting our struggles can actually be an opportunity for God to use us to help other people,” I said quietly, twisting my head to make eye contact.
“I think so too. I’m really glad I listened to your advice.” He reached for me and held me tightly. My own protective side emerged, and all I wanted was to take this pain from him.
While I got ready for church one Sunday, I smiled happily, thinking about our last few weeks as newlyweds.
It was unconventional, but we were having such a great time together.
We’d taken Max to a dog park and watched him get annoyed with all the puppies who wanted to be friends.
Some evenings after work, we would walk on the beach, talking about our day.
I noticed he was becoming disillusioned with his career, so we often talked about what he might want to do.
More and more, I felt like he was enjoying woodworking more than his career in science.
I spent my days doing research for the design firm, meeting Vicky for lunch when she was free to brainstorm and dream.
Grammy had continued to improve, and we made sure to see her a few times a week as well.
The first time we had her over for dinner, she said she was relieved to be eating something other than Mike’s favorite meal.
Mike had rolled his eyes as she raved about my pasta.
He and I were sitting in our backyard one Sunday afternoon when the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it,” he said. I had stretched out on the lounger, watching Max sniff around the yard.
“Look who it is,” I heard Mike say excitedly a few minutes later. When I sat up, my eyes widened at the sight of my new in-laws.
“Andrew, Rachel! We weren’t expecting you for another week,” I said excitedly, hopping up to hug them.
Rachel smiled as she pulled away, still holding my hand. “We worked some things out to get here sooner. Oh, Renata, it’s so good to finally meet you in person. My goodness, you’re gorgeous.”
Smiling, I said, “Thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say.”
Andrew had his hand laid across Mike’s shoulder with a huge smile. “We’re still in shock. But Grammy talked our heads off about you when we saw her before coming here, so I can see why everything happened the way it did.”
Mike walked over and put his arm around my waist. “She was the gift I hadn’t expected or deserved.”
“Not true. You’re the gift, Mike,” I said lovingly.
Rachel teared up and said, “Sorry, I’m being emotional. I’m just so happy.”
“Please take a seat. When did you get in, Dad?” Mike asked as we sat in a circle outside.
“Last night, well, technically early this morning. It was too late to come by, although I had to hold your mother back from doing just that.” He laughed and put his hand on her knee.
“We’re seriously jetlagged, but we had to see Grammy.
We overslept and missed church but got to Willowgrove not long after she got home. ”
“Yeah, she wasn’t up for going to lunch today,” Mike answered. “How did she look to you?”