Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Mike
I was driving home from work, thinking about the last several weeks.
Smiling as I remembered my parents taking an extended break from their work and spending a few weeks with us before heading back to Kenya.
There had been dinners the four of us had with Grammy, beach days, and more long talks.
Mom and Dad had fallen in love with Ren, just as I knew they would.
Worship music played softly as I drove through traffic, my mind drifting to Ren as it often did throughout my day.
Until about two weeks ago, things had been great between her and me.
We spent a lot of time talking about everything under the sun, getting to know one another on a deeper level.
I huffed out a laugh, picturing her passionately arguing about American versus Italian cultural differences.
My smile faltered as I thought about how she’d been growing distant lately.
She said all was well when I asked, but I felt a slow pulling away.
It was little things that were starting to add up.
I thought it was stress from waiting for the immigration process and planning for the business, or maybe that she was missing Italy, so I never pushed when she’d say she was fine.
But the night before, she was completely checked out.
Before I could ask her about it, she said she didn’t feel well and went to bed early.
I rubbed my head as I drove, hurrying to get home to her. She’d missed breakfast that morning, and she replied to my text later in the day with a short, quick answer, also unlike her.
“Father, show me how to reach her.” I’d learned that going to Him in prayer when I felt anxious kept my mind in a better place. And whatever was happening with my wife was surely making me anxious.
We’d been discussing getting her a car, and I had hoped that giving her back that independence would help. I pulled into the driveway, waving to Sam next door. A few black clouds had accumulated, and a rumble of thunder rolled in the distance.
Having gotten out of a meeting early, I was hoping to surprise her by taking her out to dinner. I’d even stopped to pick up a bouquet of gardenias she loved.
As soon as I got through the door, I knew something was wrong.
Neither Ren nor Max came out to greet me, but I heard him whimpering in the back of the house.
Tossing my keys, phone, and the flowers haphazardly on the table, I rushed to where the sound was coming from, my heart racing.
I stopped short in front of Ren’s room when I heard her sobbing.
“Ren, it’s me,” I called out nervously, knocking on her door. “Please open up.”
I heard rustling, but she didn’t come to the door. Sniffling, she answered, “I’m fine, Mike. I’ll come out in a few minutes.”
“No, I’m not leaving this door until you open it. Please don’t ask me to go away.” My pride was abandoned, and I was not beneath begging.
Max was whimpering louder now that he knew I was on the other side, and his scratching on the door was probably what got me what I wanted, namely, Ren opening the door.
She stood in the doorway, her eyes swollen from crying, and as Max head-butted me in the legs, I pulled her into my arms.
“What are you doing home so early?” she said, her voice muffled from her stuffy nose.
“Apparently, coming home to destroy whoever made you cry,” I said sternly, closing my eyes as I inhaled her sweet fragrance. Thoughts of that man in the restaurant attempting to touch her made my blood boil.
Her arms hung limp at her sides, and I slowly pulled back to look at her. “Talk to me, Ren. You’re scaring me.” My eyes were wide as I scanned her face, taking in her red, perfect nose and pale complexion.
She shook her head and looked away, her lips trembling. Finally, she whispered, “I can’t do this anymore, Mike.”
Warning bells went off like an explosion inside me. She was leaving me. That’s all I could think as I looked at her, my expression no doubt showing the devastation I felt.
I swallowed hard. “What do you mean? I, I don’t understand. Tell me what I’ve done.”
She covered her face with her hands, hiccupping from her sobs. “Mike, I don’t deserve you. I can’t give you what you want. I’ve tried so hard to figure out how to do this, and I can’t. I don’t know how to love you. I’ve prayed, but I still don’t know what to do.”
“Ren, you already are. Can’t you see that? Everything that you do for me shows me you love me,” I said, pulling her hands away from her face and holding them.
On a loud sob, she said, “I’m going to fail you, I just know it. I’ve seen and felt the way you love me, and I feel so inadequate. It’s been almost two months since the wedding. I should be able to tell my husband that I love him.”
My heart was racing, and my throat went dry. “Ren, what are you afraid of?”
She rushed past me and headed out to the backyard, one of her favorite places in our house.
I ran after her, Max on my heels. Standing in the grass, breathing heavily, she put her hand on her chest. I held her arms again, trying to calm her down.
“Breathe with me, my love. Take a breath. That’s it. Slow it down.” After a few minutes, her breathing regulated just as a few raindrops started to fall. “Now talk to me. Please.”
“Mike, can’t you see? I’m afraid I’ll end up like my mother, and you’ll resent me for this marriage,” she said, scanning my eyes.
“You’re not your mother. You’re sunshine and joy.
You exude God’s love. He’s shown you how to love, Renata.
He’s the author of that love, of our love.
Can’t you see that He’s even melting your mother’s cold heart?
” I was frantically trying to find the words to make her stay.
I couldn’t lose her. I’d never survive it if I did.
“Then why can’t I say the words? What’s wrong with me?” She was so distraught, my heart ached. I silently asked God to help me say what she needed to hear, and suddenly I knew what it was.
“Listen to me.” I pulled her closer again, both of us starting to get wet as the rain came down harder. I pushed her hair from her face and said, “You say them in the way you speak to me with patience and care. You say them every time you hold me when I’m facing my own darkness.”
She tried to pull away, shaking her head, but I wasn’t going to stop until she understood.
Both of us were breathing heavily. My arm banded around her waist, keeping her in place as I laid my hand on her cheek.
Her doe eyes found mine, blinking back the raindrops as mine scanned her face frantically, hoping she would listen and not walk away from me.
Somewhere in the distance thunder roared, matching what was going on in my heart.
“You tell me you love me when you treat Grammy like your own family or my friends like you’ve known them all your life.
Ren, you say you love me every time you pray over me.
Do you have any idea what you’ve become to me?
How much my life has brightened since you came into it? How you’re the air that I breathe?”
Her eyes narrowed as she gulped for air, shaking her head, her curls bouncing as she did.
“It can’t be that simple. There has to be something I need to do to deserve you, to accept your love.
To be able to reciprocate it? Do you understand that I’ve never told a man those words?
I’m damaged, Mike. You, you call me Spitfire because I don’t like being weak.
I’m not right for you, Mike. Can’t you see that? ”
“Ren,” I breathed out, desperate for her to understand me.
“I call you Spitfire because you’re beautifully independent and strong and fierce.
That doesn’t intimidate me. That excites me.
It makes me want to keep showing up for you.
Both to let you know that I’m always by your side when you need my help and to watch you shine.
I don’t want to take from you. I want to give. I want to give you everything.”
She went still as she peered into my eyes, looking to see if this was the truth.
“Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. And I choose you today, tomorrow, every day for the rest of my life.
” I pushed the wet hair from my face as I spoke.
“I knew that you struggled with this when I asked you to marry me. You didn’t keep it from me.
I also knew that God was going to get down into the fire with me and pull me out of my darkness, because my wife loves me enough to tell me when I need help.
Why do you believe He can love me in all my failures and not you?
You accepted God’s love even when you didn’t feel you deserved it.
Now I’m asking you to accept mine. You don’t have to earn my love any more than you had to earn God’s. ”
She looked at me in awe as my words, the words God gave me for her, started to sink in. “Is that true? It can’t be that easy,” she whispered, blinking away the rain, hope rising.
Placing my palms on her cheeks, I said, “It is. It’s that simple. The love you accepted from God, you show to everyone around you. You love Vicky, and now Sofia and Leyla. You love Grammy. Even if you don’t say the words to your parents, you love them, Ren. You show it every day.”
“I, I—”
Interrupting her, I said, “And you love me. You love me. I know you do,” I pleaded. The space between us crackled with tension as we stood facing each other.
She was shaking from her emotional breakdown as rain began to fall in sheets. Shakily, she grabbed onto the front of my shirt and whispered, “You’re right. I love you.” Her sobs seemed to usher in the breakthrough. “I, I do. I love you, Mike. I want to be the kind of wife that you need.”
I closed my eyes, letting the words soothe my soul. “Say it again,” I begged.
Ren laughed through a sob as I pressed her close to me, my eyes opening to hear her confession. “If what you’re saying is true, then I love you, Michael Walker. I didn’t know if what I felt was enough, but I love you so much it hurts. Please don’t give up on me.”
Pulling her away to look into her eyes, I somberly said, “Renata Walker, death couldn’t separate us, because even when that day comes, I’ll love you into eternity. I’ll never leave you this side of heaven. Never. And if death parts us, I’ll be waiting for you on the other side.”
Her eyes closed, and she stood on her toes, kissing me as she’d never done before.
This kiss was filled with emotion, passion, and surrender.
It was the kiss of a husband and wife, the one I’d been waiting so long for.
My mouth swept hungrily over hers, kissing away her tears, mingled with rain.
I pulled her into me, desperate for her to feel the depth of my love as she sighed into me.
I lifted her up, and her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist. Without breaking our connection, I walked through the open back door as Max circled around us. My sweet boy settled on his bed in the living room, his job of protecting her accomplished.
Our breathing was labored as I walked slowly into my room. Our room. Because tonight I was going to demonstrate everything I’d been holding back. Tonight, if my wife were ready, we would become one, and I would be able to show her the power of my love.
Kicking the door closed, she pulled back, her breath heaving out, matching mine. “I love you,” she whispered. “Thank you for running after me and not letting me go.”
“I love you, too, Renata. You’re the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ll run after you to the ends of the earth.”
Ren looked around the room and, with a shuddering breath and a smile, she said, “I’m yours, Mike. Tonight and always.”