Chapter Twenty-Two #2
I saw a single tear drip down Brent’s cheek from under his sunglasses and handed him my travel pack of tissues. He opened the pack and wiped his eyes.
“Sounds like fatherhood agreed with you. I admire that in you, Brent.”
He reached out for my hand. “You remember how I grew up, right? The whole foster system thing. My family—the family I raised—means everything to me. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
Disappointed a bit, yet happy Brent was happy with his life’s choices, I responded with a lowered voice, “I see.”
What was done was done, and we couldn’t get back the years we lost due to Brent’s seemingly happy life as husband and father and coach and former athlete living out the storybook heterosexual American dream he thought he needed.
“That was stupid of me to say, Renny. I’m sorry.”
“No apology needed. It is what it is.”
“Still, it was insensitive. You and I could have had it all.”
“Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda.”
“You ever thought of having your own kids?”
“To be honest, that’s never been a part of my thought process. Being gay and with my track record with men since college, I mean. My life didn’t follow the script I had planned in college.”
“What do you mean?”
“You wake up one day and time has flown by. You’re over forty, with a string of bad relationships behind you and a body count in the hundreds. I don’t think I’m cut out for a partner or father material like you.”
“Who knows? Maybe one day.” Brent got silent for a few seconds before asking, “Hundreds? For real?”
“Could be thousands, for all I know, since I’ve lived a full, sexually empowered gay life since college, that’s just facts,” I said. “But at this age. Fatherhood? Doubtful. I don’t want to be a grandfather-aged daddy.”
“Don’t knock it. Random fact about the San Francisco Bay Area—people start families later in life out there than the rest of the country. Maybe you’ll change your mind.”
“Again, doubtful. I can barely keep myself together.”
“I never thought I’d be raising a family until Macy got pregnant and we had to leave Missouri. Anyway, time flies. I’m a family man now.”
I wondered if that extended to Macy, but it wasn’t my business to ask or pry. Brent’s and my ship had sailed years ago. What or who he chose to be in relationship or connect with, I’d keep my nose out of it.
“It definitely does,” I said, reaching out to pat and squeeze his shoulder. “You’re a grown up, Brent, with a wife, grown-ass kids, and an empty nest.”
Brent removed his sunglasses and smiled. “If that’s your way of fishing to see what or who Macy is in my life now, you don’t have to play reindeer games. I’ll be straight up with you and tell you.”
“Guilty.”
“Macy and I wanted an easy divorce,” Brent said.
“But lawyers know how to keep up some mess, in order to keep their pockets lined. Community property is a scam. Owning a business with your wife is complicated. And doing this all during L.B.’s expensive-ass senior year was financially stressful.
That’s the kinda stuff no one tells you about when you’re growing up. ”
“Believe me, I know how much adulting sucks,” I said. “And we’re the adults and uncle figures now. Anyway, keep going.”
“I’m done,” he said. “The divorce is final as of a few weeks ago.”
“You doing okay, Brent?” I gave his shoulder a squeeze again, hoping I was showing him some sense of reassurance and compassion from me.
I could only imagine what it was like ending a twenty-plus year relationship.
“I’m good at listening to whatever you want to share or not share. No reindeer games.”
“I appreciate that,” he said, grabbing my hand resting on his shoulder.
“The last thing I’ll say for now is figuring out how to co-parent grown kids who are still coming to grips with the fact that their parents are divorced and their dad is not exactly hetero is a trip.
Some days they’re empathetic. Some days they’re cold as ice.
We’re figuring it out. I appreciate you hearing me out.
But what about you? Oh, and we should take advantage of this lounge and get some food and drink.
You on the five o’clock flight to SFO, too? ”
“I am.”
“Nice. You can sit in Macy’s seat next to mine in first class. Keep me company instead of sitting with some random stranger. Let’s connect with an agent in a bit so they don’t give her seat away to someone else.”
“Sure.”
“But what about you, Renny? What’s been up with you since the reunion in Missouri last year? I’m going to assume whatever happened, that’s why you ain’t stayed in touch with me over the past year.”
“Brent, don’t play. We’ve texted. But where would you like me to begin?”
Over the next half hour, I infodumped some of the year’s major developments that I hadn’t shared via text. It was easy to do because he was a convenient and great listener. It was like everything and everyone around us in the lounge disappeared and it was just Brent and me.
“That’s quite a year, Renny,” Brent said. “Funny how a year ago this time we were at the Black Alumni awards banquet. I still think about that night together after the ceremony.”
“That was a time,” I said. “In hindsight, that night probably shouldn’t have gone down like that. I’m working on being a different Renny Ross now. That’s been part of my therapy journey this year.”
Brent palmed my chin and stared at me. “It’s good to know you’ve done some reflection on who you are and what’s the why.”
“You’re funny. From college. One of my first questions to you on that summer orientation night. ‘What’s the why?’ ”
“I’ve never forgotten it,” Brent said. “What did you learn from this over the past year? Radical honesty.”
“That I need to be like the characters I’ve written about in my romance novels.
Black gay men who are the list they want in a potential partner but who also want to achieve couple goals together.
Black gay men who want and deserve to be loved unconditionally, expect to be fully supported in their ambitions, dreams, Blackness, and sexuality, and who refuse to settle for someone just for the sake of being in a relationship. ”
“That’s a beautiful lesson, Renny. Like having your life imitate your art.”
“Exactly,” I said. “I also learned that I need a break from romantic relationships. At least to stop jumping into something so quickly after ending something else.”
“A break? For real?”
“Yeah, a break. Because the way my body count is. I apologize for initiating what we—what I initiated with you last summer. The spontaneous sex. It literally was an out-of-body experience for me, now that I look back. Long story short, I just needed some validation, and I feel like I used you to fill a void in my life at that time and on that day. That doesn’t reflect how special you were to me back in the day. ”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I didn’t feel used when we hooked up in Missouri last year. I enjoyed it, actually. Reminded me of old times.”
“Good.”
“Can I tell you something?” Brent said. “You’ve always held a special place in my heart since college.”
“Except when I’m desperate and disgusting.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Just kidding. Stop being so serious about us. Just let things flow. Please.”
“Hey, look. As long as we’re in each other’s orbit, I’ll do all I can to make it up to you how I once hurt you.”
This was the kind of atonement that meant more to me now than any sexual validation I’d sought over the past few years.
It took all the strength I had not to backslide and kiss Brent in the middle of the airport lounge.
If this had happened a year earlier, I would have.
But now, it wasn’t the time or place. Here, in this moment of vulnerability and disclosure with strangers milling around us, was not the time to move anything regarding us forward.
Besides, I had more to tell him about the past year, since he wanted to know.
“One more thing and then I’m done,” I said.
“The worst part of the year, though. I was sad to have to sell my late mom’s condo.
Got rid of my truck. Selling both helped me pay down some of the taxes and then set up a payment plan with the IRS.
Still. It was the last and only asset I had.
That and my 403(b), but the IRS wants its money.
I have no real assets now, but going to the Bay Area and starting a new job will be a fresh start for me. ”
I stared out into the golden-hour light illuminating the tarmac, wondering if I’d turned Brent off by sharing as much as I did. He reached across and placed a hand on my chin and turned my face toward his. “And how are you doing now, Renny?” he asked.
“I appreciate you asking. I think I’m okay. This is not the life I envisioned for myself back when we were in college. But I’ll push through.”
“It’s okay if you’re not okay. No one’s life follows the script they created in their head in college. Besides, you’re dealing with a lot recently.”
“Same with you.”
“Yeah, but you have no scaffolding.”
“What do you mean?”
“Other than the new job, it sounds like you’ve got nothing or no one to hold on to or to support you.
You’re completely on your own. I’ma introduce you to our financial advisor team, because at this point in your life you should have at least four to five hundred thousand saved in a retirement account. ”
I was touched by his empathy and concern for my well-being, but I remained cautious about how genuine he might have been.
“In other words, that’s a kind way of saying ‘you’re still a hot mess, Renny.’ ”
“No, no, no, no, no, not at all. What I’m saying is I got you. If you need scaffolding, support, anything, Renny, I got you.”
Brent’s assessment of my life had merit.
I’d managed to survive with the unpredictable amounts of money from my quarterly royalty checks, and the money that Dustin forwarded to me had dried up.
But with no small or large book advances on the horizon, no assets to borrow from, and no siblings or parents, and very few cousins to let me hold a few dollars when in a bind, every choice I made had to be a smart one.
“You’re too kind, Brent. I appreciate that. All I know is I can’t afford to fuck up now.”
“I trust that you’re not going to fuck up. I won’t let you fuck up.”
“You don’t have to be so nice.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to be?”