Chapter Nine
The end of September brought with it the beginning of a season in which our wedding plans were truly going to be carried out in earnest. After hearing what Luke and I had accomplished so far, Kate, who had once been the kind of person with a binder full of bridal preferences, appeared to be embracing the stress-free bliss of having people she trusted take on most of the tough wedding-related tasks.
The four of us celebrated our progress at Ben and Kate’s apartment by eating a meal of pasta and garlic toast, Ben’s specialty, while Kate entertained Luke with all of her terrible pre-Ben online dating experiences.
“That dinner was amazing.” I patted my very full tummy when we had finished. “I’m going to feel this tomorrow.” One thing I especially loved about being in my forties was that I had started getting hungover after eating too much. It was fun.
“Here.” Ben handed me a couple of fruit-flavored antacids. “Consider this dessert.”
Luke smiled. “If I recall, you were always very well stocked in the antacids department when we were in university. That was actually my first clue that you might be struggling with anxiety.”
“Really?” Ben’s eyebrows rose. “I thought it might have been the panic attack I had in our first chem lab.” He grinned, now able to joke about something he had once found so difficult to talk about.
“How were antacids a clue?” I peeled one from the package and popped it into my mouth.
“My sister suffers from anxiety,” Luke said, resting his forearms on the table. “And, as a result, has wicked heartburn. She pops those things like candy.”
“It really meant a lot that you encouraged me to talk to you about it,” Ben said softly. “Until I met you, Julie was the only one who knew.”
Luke’s chair creaked as he sat back. “I’m happy to have been there for you. Although, I will say, I’m still surprised your parents weren’t more involved.”
“They mean well,” Ben said as we shared a glance. “They just don’t know how to deal with things they can’t comprehend.”
“And they prefer not to,” I added.
Luke looked at me. “So, they don’t know about your….” He trailed off.
“No,” I said. “They don’t know about my drinking problem.”
“That’s kind of sad,” Luke said. “I can’t imagine not being close to my mom. I tell her everything.”
“Well, I guess we’re not all that lucky.” I shrugged away his concern. I was used to my parents being emotionally absent and I no longer had the energy to feel bad about it. There were a lot of things they didn’t know about my past. Me being an alcoholic was just the tip of the iceberg.
I glanced at Kate, who was swirling the remnants of her soda water in the bottom of her glass. Our mom might have been distant, but at least we knew she loved us. After Kate’s dad left, her mom basically quit trying. We never did determine if it was because she knew her incessant bullying had driven him away or if she was just incredibly self-involved. Either way, Kate spent a lot of time at our house when we were kids.
“Are you going to have any other groomsmen?” I asked Ben, knowing that if he wasn’t going to ask our dad, that didn’t leave many other options.
“I’m actually going to have a groomswoman.” He beamed at Luke, who returned the grin. “My friend Sherri, also from university,” Ben said. “Luke introduced me to her actually. The three of us were pretty inseparable once upon a time.”
“Isn’t she also your ex-girlfriend?” I looked at Kate, eyebrow raised.
“It’s fine.” Kate smiled. “I would actually love to meet her. She helped Ben so much and, for that, I love her already.”
“You’re a bigger person than I am,” I said and gave Ben a look that said he was a very lucky man.
He nodded. He knew.
“How’s the new job?” Kate handed Ben her plate as he and Luke cleaned up.
“Good actually,” I said. “The work isn’t super challenging, but I don’t mind it. The people are really nice.”
“Any great men at your new place of work?” Her expression was hopeful in a “maybe Julie will find a boyfriend so we can double date” kind of way.
“Not really,” I said. “There’s one guy named Ethan who’s fun. And super cute. But no one boyfriend-worthy.”
“Why don’t you invite him to the wedding?” Kate said like she’d just discovered the idea and hadn’t been thinking it as soon as I’d said “there’s one guy.”
“I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend.” I shrugged. Quinn had given me the unsolicited intel that Ethan’s supposed relationship had been a hot office gossip topic for years. No one had ever seen his girlfriend, and he rarely mentioned her, so everyone was always trying to determine whether or not he actually had one.
Disappointment flickered across Kate’s features. “I just want you to be happy,” she said.
“I am happy. Well, as happy as I can be. And, believe me, dating someone right now would not increase my level of happiness. Besides, the one thing I did take away from your engagement party is that staying sober is my priority. And while my primary goal is to make it day to day, my main goal is to make it to a year. And beyond, obviously.
“One of the things everyone says—the books and programs and such—is that you shouldn’t date anyone during your first year of sobriety. And I’d like to stick to that. I think focusing on myself will really help.”
“When you say ‘dating,’ do you mean…?” Kate’s eyebrow rose comically.
“No sex either.”
“Hmm,” she said. “Interesting.”
“You don’t think I can do it.”
“Well, considering…you know.”
I did know. I had slept with a lot of guys over the past couple of decades. A lot. And, I’ll admit, a large part of that had to do with the amount of booze I’d consumed in an effort to feel something other than sadness about my shitty past. But staying away from sex for a year was going to be a lot harder than not dating someone for a year, especially considering I hadn’t actually dated anyone since I was in my twenties.
“I can do it,” I said. “I have to do it. And thanks to your newfound willingness to hand over the reins of your wedding, I’m going to be too busy to even think about it.”