Chapter Twenty-One
Luke’s questioning eyes searched mine, windows wide open to his heart. “What do you mean?” he asked. “What do you mean that wasn’t it?”
“I was raped,” I said without emotion, the only way I could get the words out.
His face fell. “No,” he whispered.
I continued, my voice breaking. With the exception of Ben and, more recently, Kate, no one else had heard my story. I wondered if telling it would ever get any easier.
“It was just over twenty-two years ago; a guy I worked with. He was married. Had kids. It happened at his house at a staff Christmas party. We were both really drunk, me more so than him. He kept giving me shots and I kept taking them.” I paused, struggling to continue, unsure if I could. But then Luke squeezed my hand again and I knew I was safe. I knew I could trust him.
“I don’t remember much. I remember going into the bedroom to lie down, to stop the room from spinning. I guess I passed out because the next time I opened my eyes, he was there. On top of me. His heaviness making it hard to breathe. I remember struggling. I remember telling him to stop. I remember that he didn’t.”
At the time, I had wondered if he’d heard me, or if I had said anything at all. But now I knew. I knew I asked him to stop. I remembered the smudges of teary mascara on his pillowcase where the side of my face had been pressed. I remembered the ripped waistband on my favourite pair of underwear. I remembered the way he wouldn’t meet my eyes after he was done. I knew he had heard me. He just didn’t care.
Luke looked up with tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Julie.”
“I don’t think I ever really recovered from it. I thought I had; I thought I’d moved on. But now that I’m talking about it again, I don’t think I ever did. I just covered it up with a new problem. With drinking too much. I guess I’ve only recently begun to process it.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said again and squeezed my hand. “I’m so, so sorry.” He reached over and gave me a hug and I leaned into his sturdy shoulder.
“You smell like apples,” I said, my voice muffled by his soft flannel shirt.
“It’s my fabric softener,” he said quietly.
I slid down and rested my head on the pillow on his lap. “I do realize that being raped doesn’t excuse all the things I’ve done. And I would understand if you wanted nothing more to do with me. You didn’t sign up to be friends with a train wreck.”
“Julie, look at me,” he said and I slowly sat up and looked into his eyes, surprised to find they were full of tears. “You are not a train wreck. You had something incredibly horrible happen to you; something that was not in any way your fault. And yes, you may have made some poor decisions, but it sounds to me that most of them were made because of your choice of a coping mechanism, not because of who you are as a person.”
“I can’t blame everything on booze,” I said, “no matter how much I want to.”
“No,” he said, swiping at a tear that slid down his cheek. “But you can give yourself a break. You took a bit of a circuitous route, but you’re now coming out on the other side of what sounds to me like a major trauma. You are incredibly brave and resilient and strong. You have much more to offer than you think, Julie.”
I sighed out a laugh. Only Luke could make me feel better about myself after I’d just vomited my tragedy all over his lap.
I laid my head back down on the pillow. Being vulnerable was exhausting.
“And you know what?” he said as he absentmindedly stroked my hair. “Those men you slept with? The ones who were taken? You didn’t sleep with them by yourself. There were two participants every time. Those shitty feelings aren’t just yours to own. It isn’t fair for you to be holding all the guilt and shame by yourself. If anything, the guys you slept with should be taking more of their share. They were the ones who were in a relationship. They had more of a reason to stop.”
“Well, I’m certainly not blameless.” I sniffed.
“No, but you’re not the only one to blame. By pretending it didn’t happen the men were essentially saying it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal.”
“I know that.” I sat up and rested my head on the back of the couch.
He turned and looked at me. “I know you know. And that’s what isn’t fair. If a guy is so unhappy in his relationship that he thinks it’s okay to sleep with someone else, he should have the balls to deal with it. That shouldn’t all rest on you. He’s essentially taken his own mess and made it yours.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m glad you don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you.” He smiled. “And you shouldn’t hate yourself either. You need to forgive yourself.”
“I know.”
“So, will you?”
I thought about it. “I don’t know. I think so. I hope so. I hope one day I can.” I turned my head and met his green eyes, dark with pain. My pain, taking it on as his own.
“I can’t imagine having to deal with something like that by yourself,” Luke said, barely above a whisper.
“I wasn’t alone,” I said, my voice cracking. “I had Ben.”
Luke’s eyes widened. “Is that why he left university early? He never really said and I’d always wondered.”
I nodded. “I called him after it happened. He was the only one who knew.” I dabbed at my eyes with the tissue. “He came home for me. He made a huge sacrifice. He’s one of the reasons I need to be a better person.”
“You’re not a bad person, Jules,” he whispered. “You deserve forgiveness. You deserve happiness.”
I sighed. “Let’s talk about something else. Or not talk at all. I feel like I could sleep for days.”
Luke nodded and ran the back of his hand over his eyes, tears streaking its surface. “Of course,” he said. “We can do whatever you want.”
We sat in silence for the next few minutes, comfortably quiet in each other’s company. Luke processing my secrets. Me relieved to have someone else in my circle of trust. Relieved he was still my friend.
“I guess I should probably go,” I said, sitting up and stretching. “There is only so much trauma one can unleash before they overstay their welcome.” I smiled, hoping to lighten the mood.
Luke grinned half-heartedly. “You know you can always talk to me, Julie. About anything.”
His eyes flickered down to my lips and my stomach flipped. Did I want Luke to kiss me?
And then the doorbell rang.
“I’m so sorry, I know it’s late.” My ears perked up at a woman’s murmur.
“I got homesick, Daddy.” Hannah’s tiny voice floated into the living room.
Hannah’s friend’s mom,I thought, and my shoulders settled.
Luke thanked the mom and closed the door, ushering Hannah into the living room as she unwrapped her sparkly pink scarf from her neck and tossed it on the chair. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and I couldn’t help but feel flattered. Kids never seemed to warm to me, but Hannah was different. It was like in her seven-year-old brain she saw me how I wanted to see myself.
“Hannah, put that away, please,” Luke said and then sighed as she ignored him and walked up to me.
“Hi, Julie,” she said, chin tipped down, a shy smile on her face.
“Hi, Hannah, do you want me to help you put away your coat?”
“Okay.” She took a couple of tentative steps forward and shrugged off her fuzzy purple coat, revealing flannel princess pajamas underneath.
“Why don’t you show me where this goes and we can put it away together?”
She nodded and I stood, lifting my arm to grab her coat. My heart stuck in my throat when she, instead, slipped her small hand into mine and tugged me towards the front closet. I glanced at Luke and he smiled and nodded, giving me permission to hold her hand. Giving me permission to hold the trust of this little person he loved the most.
I hung her coat on a wire hanger and she handed me the scarf she’d tossed on the chair.
“I got homesick,” she whispered, her eyes down, embarrassed.
I crouched down so I was at her level and then remembered I was in my mid-forties with no lower body strength and sat on the bench instead. “My brother used to get homesick all the time when we were kids,” I said. “He didn’t like sleepovers.”
“What’s your brother’s name?”
“Ben.”
Her eyes lit up. “I know Ben! You’re his sister?”
I nodded, sharing in her delight.
“Why didn’t Ben like sleepovers?” She reached up and touched my hair and then grinned like she had been daring herself to do it.
“He liked being at home better,” I said. “That’s where he felt safe.”
“I feel safe here.” She nodded as if she was figuring it out. “I feel safe with my dad.” She grabbed my hand again and tugged me up into a standing position, pulling me back into the living room where Luke was waiting with a welcoming smile. “Are you my dad’s girlfriend?”
I laughed, not sure what to say, trying to pretend my chest didn’t immediately tighten at the thought. My eyes met Luke’s, holding them for just a second longer than necessary.
“No, sweetheart,” he said, his smile slightly forced. “Julie and I are just friends.”
“Oh.” She gave a little sigh and my heart broke.
“I should get going,” I said as Luke gently guided Hannah towards her bedroom. “Good night, Hannah.”
“Good night, Julie.” She bounced over to Luke, all grins and giggles, and he held up his hand. “Five minutes?” he mouthed and my eyes darted to his lips.
I nodded and sat back down, my thoughts jumbled.
Ten minutes later, he came back into the living room and I had my coat and mitts on, ready to leave.
“You don’t have to go,” he said. “She’ll be fine now. She just likes to be where everything is familiar.”
“I know.” I smiled. “But I do have to go. I’ll send you the quotes I get for the wedding party favours on Monday.”
He followed me to the door and watched me pull on my boots. “Can we ta—”
“I’ll talk to you Monday.” I cut him off as I opened the door, shutting it quickly behind me. I breathed in the frigid air, grateful for the sobering bite. How could I have even entertained the thought of kissing him? He wasn’t just some guy I’d met. He was my good friend. He meant a lot to me now.
I opened my car door and slid into the icebox interior, turning it on immediately so it would warm up. Tears filled my eyes and I brushed at them angrily. Why was I suddenly so sad? This was a good thing. Not kissing Luke was a good thing. Luke and I were just friends. That was all we were meant to be.
Although his beard was kind of sexy. And his eyes sparkled like nothing I’d ever seen.
I shook my head firmly, trying to erase the intruding thoughts from my brain like it was an Etch A Sketch. More importantly, Luke deserved better. He deserved someone who wanted more. Someone who wanted to be in a relationship. Someone who could love him and Hannah with all their heart.
Someone who wouldn’t end up ruining everything.