Chapter Twenty-Five
By the end of March, the wedding was almost fully planned. Luke and I were meeting, texting or talking on the phone almost every day. It was exhausting but also filled my cup in a way that I’d never experienced before. Not only was I occupied enough that I had stopped thinking about drinking all the time, but I was also genuinely enjoying myself.
Most of our meetings now happened at his house so he could give Janet a break from taking care of Hannah, and after we’d made it clear to Hannah that we were only friends, I didn’t worry so much about always being around.
I would never have said this to Luke, I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on him, but I loved meeting at his place. It was homey and comforting, welcoming and warm. I always felt safe and happy when I was there, like their little family had opened their arms and accepted me. Like I was a part of something bigger, even if it was just for an evening.
Hannah was a great kid and we got along so well. If she wasn’t in bed already, she would greet me at the door with a hug, her flannel pajamas soft against my skin. If I arrived past her bedtime, a drawing or craft was often waiting for me, my name written on it in block letters. I took everything she made home and put it up on my fridge, always touched and a bit surprised that she had thought of me.
Tonight, she met me at the door, spinning in a princess dress, a whirl of curly red hair, cheeks flushed with excitement.
“Someone is having a hard time paying attention to her father and getting ready for bed.” Luke took my light coat and hung it up in the closet, his own face red with what appeared to be exasperation. “Where’s Marty?”
I tipped my chin towards my car sitting in the driveway and then back at Hannah, questioning whether or not he had told her I would be bringing my new roommate. I hadn’t wanted to burst in with a dog, not knowing what Hannah’s reaction would be. I got my answer pretty quickly though.
“Julie’s here! Julie’s here!” Hannah sang and twirled right into my arms. “Where’s your dog?” She looked behind me and then, hilariously, into my purse.
“Hi kiddo,” I said. “What’s got you so excited?”
“Nothing.” She hugged me tight. “I just love my life.”
I shrugged. “Can’t argue with that.” I glanced up at Luke, who looked like he could definitely argue with it. I’d never seen him looking so frazzled. And if Luke looked frazzled, he must have been having a tough night.
“You know what would be fun?” I smoothed Hannah’s hair down, trying to hold her still.
“What?”
“Why don’t I go get Marty out of my car and then, after we play with him for a bit in your room, I can read you a story before bed tonight instead of your dad. What do you think?”
“Yes!” she squealed and then turned to Luke. “Is that okay?”
“That is more than okay.” Luke ran his hands through his hair, not for the first time it looked like.
“All right,” I said, gently guiding Hannah towards the hallway. “But you have to put your PJs on and brush your teeth first, okay?”
Hannah nodded and scampered off to her bedroom.
“Thank you.” Luke collapsed onto the couch. “Hannah’s normally very well behaved, but sometimes she gets a bit hyper and I completely lose control of the situation. This is clearly one of those times.”
“Clearly.” I sat down beside him. “You look like you need a break and I would be happy to read her a book.”
“Read her two.” He yawned. “I really need to clean the kitchen.”
“Actually.” I stood and cleared my throat. “Before I go get Marty, I have a favour to ask.”
“What’s up?” His eyes followed my hand as I dug into my purse and held up a key. “I mean, sure, I didn’t realize key parties were still a thing, but if that’s what you want to do, I’m game,” he said, lips twitching.
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for that, but no. I was wondering if you’d keep a key to my apartment in case I can’t get home and I need someone to check on Marty. I highly doubt you’ll need to use it, but you know; it would make me feel better if you had one.” I looked down.
“Of course I will,” he said, taking the key from my hand. “Julie.” He stared at me until I looked up. “I know how hard it is for you to ask for help, and I’m really touched you asked me. I’m glad you feel you can trust me with this.”
“Well,” I said, suddenly shy, “I’m glad I feel I can too.” I turned towards the door. “I should probably get Marty out of the car; it’s cold out there tonight.”
After I had gotten Marty, watched him and Hannah play, and then read not two but three books, Hannah finally calmed down enough to close her eyes and drift off to sleep. I sat with her for a bit longer, knowing Luke could use some quiet time.
“Thanks again,” Luke said as I walked into the sparkling clean kitchen, Marty close behind. “Being Hannah’s dad is my greatest joy, but it’s a lot of work by myself. Having some help is a nice treat.”
“It must be hard being a single parent,” I said without thinking, instantly regretting it. We hadn’t talked about Theresa since he’d told me about her death and I didn’t want to bring up anything that would cause him pain. “Sorry, I hope that didn’t sound callous.”
“Not at all,” he said, flipping a dishtowel over his shoulder. “It is hard.” He tipped his head to the side. “I don’t mind talking about her. Theresa was Hannah’s mom. I don’t want her to be forgotten.”
“Do you still miss her?” I asked as I sat down at the table.
“I do.” He pulled out a chair and joined me. “I think about her every day. I think about her whenever I look at Hannah.” He sighed. “But it’s not as hard as it once was. I was so lucky to have my time with her. To have been able to love her. I think about that now more than the loss.”
Only Luke could take grief and turn it into something so perfect. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.” I looked down at my lap, touched by the sentiment; embarrassed at the sadness I felt for someone I didn’t even know.
“You know what though?” he said, his voice low.
I looked up and was startled to find him staring at me, his eyes deep pools of emerald green. “What?” I whispered.
“I’ve been noticing things have gotten a lot easier since I met you.”
My mouth opened, but nothing came out. Warmth flushed my face from the fire that his words had ignited. I knew what I wanted to express, but I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t find the right thing to say.
So, instead, I kissed him.
I did it on impulse. Without thinking. Without caring what I should or shouldn’t do or what would happen next. I was so touched by his words; I couldn’t help myself. And now that I was in it, I didn’t know if I could stop. I didn’t know if I wanted to.
The softness of his lips against mine was as unexpected as the spark that shot through my body when they touched. He paused for just a second, likely unsure if he should proceed, but my sigh told him he should and he slid his hand behind my neck, deepening the kiss.
Heat pulsed through my body in waves and everything I was thinking dissipated like vapour. All I could do was experience. For once I didn’t use my thoughts to push my feelings away.
His one hand lingered under my hair while the other rested on the small of my back, pulling me closer, but not close enough. Never close enough.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt like this. A feeling so powerful and clear, unclouded by booze and poor decisions. My frozen heart began to thaw; the towering wall started to crumble. He did want me. I hadn’t been imagining things. I had been right.
Wait.
Was I taking advantage of the moment? If I was the man in this situation and my friend was telling me about her spouse who tragically passed away, would it be okay for me to give in to what I wanted just because she happened to be vulnerable?
I pushed away, my chair scraping backwards, trying to catch my breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” I looked down at the floor, pretending to be concerned about Marty who had jumped up at the sound. What had I been thinking?
“Why?” Luke breathed heavily. “Why shouldn’t you have done that? I was really enjoying myself.” He grinned.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I can’t do this. I can’t. We’re friends. I value your friendship too much. I don’t want to ruin it.”
His grin disappeared. “Why would you ruin it?”
“Because I would,” I said, a bit harsher than I intended. “I have a drinking problem.”
“But you’ve been doing really well,” he said unhelpfully.
“Thank you,” I said. “I appreciate you saying that. But I still have a long road ahead of me, and I need to focus on me right now, on my recovery. I don’t have the effort for anything else.”
“Sure.” He straightened up in his chair, his face unreadable. “Of course. I understand.”
I nodded and we both sat in silence. Eventually he opened his laptop and started scrolling.
“I’m tired actually.” I stood and moved my chair back to its place. “Is it okay if we don’t do any work tonight?”
“Sure thing.” He nodded, closing his laptop. “Whatever you need.”
I walked to the front door in a fog and watched silently as he handed me my jacket from the closet.
“Feels like spring might be coming soon,” I said as I picked up Marty and opened the door. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
He nodded. “It does.”
I walked down the steps and turned. “Text me later?”
“You bet.” He tried to smile.
“Bye, Luke.” I opened my car door and slid in, tears in my eyes, my heart heavy. I felt awful. Like I’d just lost my best friend. Maybe I had.
I held my hand to wave as I pulled away from his house, but he had already turned to go back inside, head down, shoulders slumped.
And then he was gone.