Chapter 3 #2
“Thank you.” She removed the ribbon, unfolded the last letter, a crumpled sheet of paper. Unlike his usual tidy lines in black ink, these were written in broad charcoal strokes. I’m sorry I’m leaving you like this. Take care of yourself and don’t fight the gods. I love you. A.
Her heart sank. It wasn’t enough, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She handed the letter to Telani without a word.
Telani’s dark eyes flew over the lines and then fixed on her. He must have registered the frustration on her face. “I saw your mother on my way here, too. She chose to appear before me, the white stag and silver bow and all. She wants you to join her.”
A welcome surge of fury drowned Liana’s frustration. That was what the stag had been about. A demand, a divine wish. Delivered by a messenger because Lela had known her daughter wouldn’t see her. She’d just wanted to upset her, to frighten her, to warn her she was being watched.
Liana let out a choking sound, halfway between a chortle and a wail. She crashed on the bed beside Telani. “Damn them all,” she said. “My mother, the king, the gods. Damn them!”
The tears finally came then, and she pushed her face into a crumpled pillow and cried. But the deluge didn’t last long. She was no frail lady in distress, and Telani was no chivalrous hero. He did manage to find a clear scrap of linen somewhere, though, and offer it to her to wipe her face with.
“I must leave Abia,” she said, sniffing.
“If you wish so,” he said. He let her have the bed and moved to the chair, which he straddled backwards. “There are people all over the kingdom who’d be happy to receive you. But I think you could do more than that.”
“More?” She blinked away the last tears.
“I imagine things will get unpleasant for the king soon. My lord protected him even when the king schemed against him. Now that protection is gone, and Abia has no lord, Larion has no ruler.”
She and Amron had never had children and, incredible as it seemed now, he’d never mentioned heirs to her.
“It reverted back to the crown,” she said. “Those were the conditions of Queen Orsiana’s dowry.”
“And you are fine with that?” He frowned, a flash of annoyance twisting his face. “You’re fine with leaving Abia to the king, who deliberately sent us on that depraved mission, or to some upstart bastard who will rise to claim it?”
“I don’t see what you expect me to do,” she said.
His annoyance turned into exasperation. “You’ve lived in Abia for thirteen years, you’ve had access to every nook and cranny of the palace, to every clerk, soldier, and diplomat who entered it, to every administrative decision my lord made. Don’t tell me you haven’t learned anything.”
His words poured over her like a bucket of icy water.
Watching Amron all those years had been a lesson in ruling, indeed.
People crowded around him, seeking help, advice, favors.
The palace was always filled with nobles, soldiers, merchants, artists, and petitioners of all kinds.
She could have played the role of the lady, she could have stepped into the public life and helped him carry that burden, she could have learned how to govern.
But if she had, she would have been someone else, a different, unrecognizable creature, a hawk pretending to be a parrot to placate the visitors.
The divine blood that ran through her veins was as much a curse as it was a blessing.
It gave her youth and strength and hunting skills second only to her mother’s.
But it also gave her the ability to see how thin the world of humans was: like a silk scarf stretched in front of a fire, she could see right through it.
She saw things as they were, and people too.
She’d never learned how to weave a web of words, how to move through the meaningless structure of norms, expectations, traditions, and outright lies the society was built upon.
“I’m not fit to rule Abia,” she said. “I don’t want it. I want to find a way to bring him back.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?” She shot him an incredulous look. “Don’t you want him back?”
“He expressly asked you not to fight the gods,” Telani replied, motioning at the letter that lay unfolded on the blanket.
“Don’t you want him back?” she repeated.
The question cut through the stuffy room like a gust of northern wind. A sharp, metallic echo rang in Liana’s voice. Telani froze on the chair and gripped the wooden back so hard his knuckles turned white.
“Of course I want him back,” he said, his southern vowels stretching into a soft growl. “But have you paused to think what he might have wanted?”
She stared at him, his words reaching her ears but not her mind.
“He went willingly,” Telani continued. “With courage and determination. And there was something else, too.” His expression turned harsh and spare, like a craggy side of a mountain.
“He was tired. I followed him around for almost twenty years and I’ve never seen him shirk his duty.
Every task, no matter how difficult and unwelcome, he never said no. ”
“He didn’t want it any other way.”
“He couldn’t do it any other way. But, Liana, he was exhausted, he was bone-tired and fed up with his duties. This was supposed to be the last mission, he wanted out.”
“He wrote about returning to Abia and staying here,” she said, remembering his words. “He said it was time the king took responsibility for the kingdom. But he wanted to retire, not die.”
“I don’t think you understand what I’m saying.
” Telani shook his head. “If he miraculously returned this very moment, all his plans for a peaceful life in Abia would shatter. There’s trouble brewing in the kingdom.
There always is. He would just go back to doing whatever was necessary to keep the peace. ”
The never-ending echoes of war, spreading like tendrils of mist over a graveyard, waking the dead.
“I’d rather have him running around the kingdom than not at all,” she retorted.
“Yes, but this is not about you, is it?”
She opened her mouth to say something, but his words left her speechless. He sounded reasonable and fair. He made her look selfish.
“I’ve known him for a long time, and I think if he had a choice between being dragged back here to do even more until it killed him again, or having someone work for the benefit of the kingdom using what he taught them, he’d choose the latter.”
His sharp words were meant to shake her, to make her question her choices, but instead they helped her make up her mind. For the first time that evening, her thoughts were settled, her goal clear.
“You knew him well, but not as well as I did,” she said. “What does a secretary know about his master’s heart?”
Her words landed like a slap.
“You may care about the politics, about the kingdom, about which spoiled young man is going to rule this city,” she continued. “I don’t give a damn about it. But I do care about Amron and I’m not going to allow the gods to decide his destiny on a whim.”
“But, his letter—”
“What about it?” she cut him off. “If I’d said to him, don’t go to Myrit, do you think he would’ve listened?
It’s a wish, not a command.” Hollow, bleak laughter rasped in her throat.
“Of course I’m going to fight the gods for him.
If I could make them bleed and burn, I’d do it. It’s my choice to make.”
He stared at her in silence. It was strange how they couldn’t really be allies, not even now. She did not question his grief nor doubt his will to do something. They just couldn’t agree on what it should be.
Perhaps her idea was selfish. She was a selfish person, that’s how she survived.
“You always do whatever you damn please,” he said.
“Is there any other way to get what you want?”
“You know,” he said, “I’ve watched you get what you want every time, and I’ve watched him forgive you.
Your stubbornness, your inflexibility, your unwillingness to accept the rules of the world you chose to inhabit.
It hurt him, because that world you rejected was his birthright and duty. And you left him to face it all alone.”
She stared at him, too shocked to reply. She thought Telani’s disapproval of her was general, since he was as immune to her as he was to any other woman. Apparently, it wasn’t.
“And if you get to him, he’ll forgive you that as well,” he continued. “But you won’t be doing it for him, you’ll be doing it for yourself.”
“That may be true,” she shot back. “And yet, you’ll be the coward who stayed here and wasted your time on politics, and I’ll be the one who went and tried to get him back. Thank you for your advice, I’ll be leaving now.”
“Don’t be rash, Liana. At least wait until the morning, it’s miserable weather outside.”
The patter of rain on the roof emphasized his words.
“My mother likes miserable weather,” she said, “and the sooner I get to her, the better. I have some accounts to settle.”
· · ·
Liana abandoned Telani with his schemes, left the town that had been her home for over a decade, and climbed the steep road in the darkness, oblivious to the rain and cold.
She hiked through the forest of evergreen oaks as the moonlight pierced the canopy, speckling the brown carpet of leaves with silver.
Hands raised, palms turned outwards, she touched the curtain of the mortal world, the gossamer reality that bound every living creature to its fate, and pulled it aside.
Time slowed down, impotent and ignored in this place where fate was created rather than endured.
Weight fell off her shoulders, tiredness evaporated as the divine blood in her veins sang with joy. A strong sense of belonging filled her with warmth. This was the realm of the beautiful, immortal, and strong. This was home.
A blazing lick of fire singed the soft skin between her breasts. She yelped and tugged at the chain around her neck, pulling out the silver medallion.