Chapter 41
“I’m sorry we couldn’t get separate rooms,” Jay said as he opened the door to our room and stepped inside.
He held the door open for me as I rolled my suitcase in.
I hit the lights, and in the dim fluorescent glow I discovered the room was actually pretty nice.
It felt almost like two rooms. There was the living area with the sofa in one section, and then the king bed through another door next to the bathroom.
The pull-out sofa was average-sized, but I still felt bad knowing he’d be sleeping on it.
“It’s decent,” I said, setting my bag down near the mini fridge. “It wasn’t your fault either. With such a big event, there was bound to be some mix-ups.”
“Still, I’m sorry,” he said, setting his things down and reaching up to scratch his neck.
Then, awkwardly, we just stood there for a moment.
“I should—” I started.
“Maybe—” Jay said at the same time.
We paused, then both laughed at the awkwardness.
“I was going to wash up real quick maybe, if that’s alright,” I said.
“Yeah, of course,” Jay replied. He walked over and sat on the couch, grabbed the remote off the coffee table, and turned on the TV. The sound cut the tension a bit, and I relaxed just a little.
“Thanks,” I said, slipping into the bathroom with my suitcase.
Once the door closed behind me, I walked over to the mirror and leaned against the granite countertop.
My lipstick was smeared, faint traces of mascara clinging to the dried tear streaks on my cheeks. I looked awful—and I didn’t feel great either. Seeing Dr. Pike had been an unpleasant surprise, and my entire nervous system felt completely out of whack.
I blew out a breath between my lips and paced the bathroom for a minute, trying to calm myself down.
First, Dr. Pike, and now I was sharing a hotel room with Jay. I was anxious for entirely different reasons now. He seemed pretty chill about it, but staying in a hotel room with my boss was most definitely not professional. Maybe I should’ve suggested driving back…
“Ugh,” I groaned. I just needed to stop thinking.
I turned on the shower, hoping the water would help.
A few minutes later, I finished my shower, brushed my teeth, and pulled on my pajamas. Since I hadn’t planned on sharing a room with anyone, my sleepwear wasn’t exactly guest-friendly. I stood in front of the mirror again, debating whether to sleep in my business clothes instead.
My pajamas were a cotton tank top and lace-trimmed shorts.
“I’m such an idiot,” I muttered to myself.
Gathering my courage, I accepted the situation for what it was and stepped out of the bathroom.
I pretended nothing was out of the ordinary as I reentered the living room.
Jay was still watching a show, and he didn’t even glance over as I padded across the rug and took a seat.
I quickly grabbed a decorative blanket draped over the back of the couch and tucked it around myself to cover my legs, hoping he hadn’t noticed what I was wearing.
“I’m surprised you didn’t opt for warmer pajamas,” Jay said suddenly, turning to look at me.
He was most definitely fighting a smirk.
I glared at him and pulled the blanket tighter until it reached my chin.
“I wasn’t exactly expecting to share a room with anyone,” I retorted.
“I’m kidding, Hope.”
My cheeks burned anyway, and I pretended to focus on the show.
“You gonna shower?” I asked.
“Maybe in a minute.”
A few more minutes passed, and a few more channels were changed.
When about twenty minutes of charged silence had gone by, he pressed another button on the remote and shut the TV off completely.
“Hey,” I protested weakly.
He smiled. “You weren’t watching.”
I opened my mouth to argue, then closed it. “Okay. Maybe not.”
We sat in the quiet for a moment, and then he cleared his throat. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” I looked down at my lap, tucking a damp strand of hair behind my ear.
“Seeing Dr. Pike… was that the first time since you left?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry, Hope.”
“It’s okay.”
“We don’t have to go tomorrow. If you don’t want to risk running into him again.”
“No, it’s okay. I can’t live in fear my whole life, worrying I’ll run into him.”
He was quiet for another moment. “You sure?”
“I just need to teach my body not to freak out,” I said. “I think it was mainly the shock. I wasn’t expecting to see him here. Maybe if I’d been mentally prepared, it wouldn’t have affected me so badly.”
“Have you ever gone to see anyone?” he asked tentatively. “About your panic attacks?”
“I tried once,” I admitted. “It didn’t go too well.”
He nodded as if he understood. I hoped he wasn’t judging me. But honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he was. I was judging myself. I knew I needed to figure out what was going on with me. But facing reality wasn’t always easy.
“I didn’t believe in it at first,” he said. “But a few years after my mother passed, Margaret convinced me to go. I was surprised how much talking about it helped.”
“Do you still go?” I asked quietly.
“A few times a month, yeah,” Jay said, then after a brief pause, he added, “Going to therapy doesn’t make you weak, Hope.”
“I know,” I mumbled, though I didn’t exactly believe myself as I said it. Was that why I was fighting it? Because I didn’t want to need help? “I just feel like talking sometimes makes it worse,” I whispered.
“It’s because it brings it to the surface,” he said, “where we have to face it.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “That’s the part I don’t like. The facing part.”
He nodded. “I know some really good people you could reach out to if you ever want to give it another go.”
“Thank you,” I said. And I meant it.
“I’m going to go shower now,” he said casually, standing up from the couch and handing me the remote.
When the door clicked shut behind him, I turned the TV back on, but I wasn’t focused on what was on the screen.
My mind wandered to everything Jay had said instead.
“It’s because it brings it to the surface, where we have to face it.”
And it was in that moment that I considered that maybe, just maybe, I could try talking to someone.
That I might be strong enough to face my fears again.