Chapter 47
Iwas mad at myself for confronting him.
I hated that I’d read into him giving me his mother’s manuscript.
The rest of the week was spent avoiding him at all costs. I kept my distance and didn’t talk to him at work unless absolutely necessary. I felt bad about the incident and figured keeping my head down was best until the whole thing blew over.
But when I embarrassed myself, I remembered it. And it didn’t go away easily.
So when Saturday rolled around, I was still unsettled.
I was supposed to be writing, and I couldn’t. I’d written a few hundred words, but they felt flat. My heart just wasn’t in it.
I was even more in my head after days of laboring over everything. I was thinking back on the CE trip. The stuff with Dr. Pike that happened and the way Jay had stood up for me.
I’d been the one to say we needed to keep things professional. I’d been the one to shut things down because I was worried about what would happen if I ever allowed myself to have feelings for him.
He’d backed off as I’d asked. He said he didn’t want to ruin things for me here if that’s what I wanted.
But was that really what he wanted?
I was out on my balcony around ten o’clock. I’d been sitting there since six a.m. I had Lindy’s unfinished manuscript spread out on the table. I’d read through it three times now.
Shafts of morning sunlight filtered through the trees and speckled the words in front of me with pinpricks of light.
It was set in Harborlight, Maine and centered around a woman named Claire. A bunch of things happen where Claire ends up living near a lighthouse and gets a job at a local cannery on the harbor. Then there’s a man named Elliot and he’s a marine surveyor.
The manuscript was incomplete, but the story was filled with themes Lindy loved.
Claire, the main character, discovers a family away from home, and second-guesses herself constantly.
Then she begins to discover she’s stronger than she thinks she is.
And then there is Elliot, a stubborn man with no intention of budging on his ideals and beliefs, who then slowly softens to a new worldview.
It was beautifully written, and because it was unfinished, I kept thinking about how it would end. Would the two of them end up together? Or was this a story where Lindy didn’t allow the characters to be together? Maybe it wasn’t romantic at all.
One line kept replaying in my mind over and over.
None of the reasons for staying away felt brave anymore.
And even though I knew the book wasn’t about me, I related to the words she’d written, and they wouldn’t go away.
I’d convinced myself for so long that it was better to stay away from Jay. I’d used the distance to protect myself and pushed him so far away he couldn’t possibly still want me.
And that’s why I was in such a rut.
He’d given me the manuscript, and I’d read into the gesture. And I’d confronted him, hoping in some weird, stubborn way he might say something. Admit it, he was still trying to convince me to come around.
I looked out over the lake and felt a heavy weight in my chest.
Surely there was something there still. Maybe? But would it be smart to pursue it?
There was a high chance that getting involved with Jay would end badly.
But could I keep pretending that I felt nothing so that I could protect myself?
“Why would you give this to me?” I whispered, flipping through some of the pages of the manuscript before me.
He’d gaslit me. I was sure of it. And maybe I deserved it. But I was still mad about it.
The binder was warm now from the sun, and I closed it.
It was a surprisingly warm day for fall. After a few days of chilly temperatures, I welcomed the brief rise in warmth. It would be one of the last warm days before the temperatures started to drop again.
A small gift amidst the chaotic tornado that was my mind. A sunny day to go along with my inner turmoil.
Nothing was ever cohesive. But I’d gotten used to the imbalance.
The sound of splashing in the water below echoed over to me, and my head quickly turned at the noise. It had been nothing but quiet bird sounds all morning, so the unexpected splash against the dock immediately drew my attention.
I squinted, not seeing anything for a moment. And then I saw him.
A head of dark hair bobbing in the water.
It was Jay. And he was swimming.
“Psychopath,” I muttered under my breath. Yes, it was warmer today, but the water was still freezing. Surely he was insane to jump in there and frolic like it was the middle of August.
I turned away, determined to ignore him and go back inside.
But it had been a week.
A week of going through the motions. I talked to my friends. Went to work. Tried to write. And everything felt off balance despite my best efforts to go about my life as normal, because nothing was resolved.
I was done feeling this way.
And I knew the only way to fix it was to confront it.
Though I was horrible at confronting things, my frustration was finally building enough for me to consider changing that about myself.
I looked back down at the water. Luna had joined in on the fun, swimming next to Jay now. I heard him laugh, and Luna answered with a few happy barks.
He was just so relaxed. Existing as if his presence alone wasn’t altering the orbit of my world.
And I was so tired of it.
Before I could really think through what I was doing, I started down toward the lake.
I thought maybe I’d lose momentum on the way there, but if anything, I only got more ramped up as I headed outside.
I descended the stairs of the back deck and headed toward the water, bare feet slapping against the wooden dock as I made my way toward him.
I didn’t even bother putting on shoes before choosing my course of action.
I was halfway down the dock when Jay lifted himself out of the lake and helped Luna up over the ledge. She shook off her soggy fur, then sat obediently next to him as he toweled her off.
“We needed a swim today, didn’t we, Luna girl?” he murmured to her. Then he grabbed the second towel and straightened from his half-bent position.
He had just lifted the towel to start drying off his shoulders when he spotted me coming toward him.
He didn’t say anything when he saw me heading his way. He just stilled for a brief moment, then continued drying himself off like everything was normal.
Except everything wasn’t normal.
He was shirtless and in his swim trunks.
And he was staring at me as I walked vehemently toward him.
I’d guessed he had some muscle from that brief workout I’d caught sight of a few weeks ago, but seeing him directly in front of me now, I would have had to be blind not to notice the ripples in his abdomen and the hard angles of muscle in his arms and chest. I averted my eyes, keeping them trained on his face, determined not to let the sight of him half-dressed affect me.
“We need to talk.”
“Is everything okay? Did a breaker trip? Is the disposal broken?” he asked nonchalantly, and it felt like gasoline being poured on my already growing irritation.
“No, the disposal is fine, Jay.” My eyes narrowed as I stopped about two feet from him. His swim trunks were still dripping, small droplets of water splashing onto the deck, a few flecks of cold lake water ricocheting and hitting my bare feet.
“Oh. Well, I’m glad nothing is broken.”
Surely he could feel the emotion radiating off me. He was most definitely playing coy and pretending like nothing was going on. And I was officially over it.
“That manuscript meant something.”
He paused, the hand holding the towel at his neck suddenly going still.
“Did it?”
“Yes, it did. And you’re trying to make me believe it was nothing.”
“I’m sorry, I’m trying to make you believe it was nothing?” His eyes widened as he let out a chuckle. “Oh, Amapolita. You’re the one who said you wanted to keep things neutral.”
“I know what I said, but—”
“But what?” he asked when I trailed off again. His tone indicated a challenge, as if he were daring me to continue.
I huffed angrily. “I was trying to keep my distance and keep things professional. But somehow the more we’re around each other, the more I question why I’m doing it.
And then right when I start to think maybe, just maybe I could consider something—” I paused, my cheeks heating.
“You go and make me think that what’s happening between us is actually just some figment of my imagination. And now I’m so confused.”
His eyes darkened, and his hand lowered from his neck. A muscle in his jaw ticked, and I could tell I’d finally hit a nerve. A few mumbled sentences in Spanish escaped him, confirming it.
“I know I’m not imagining it. There’s this thing happening, and no matter how hard I try to keep things professional, it just keeps coming up. And so I want to deal with it. I don’t want to keep pretending this doesn’t exist.” I gestured between the two of us. “I can’t do it anymore.”
Let him beat around that.
There was a long pause before he responded to my outburst.
“And you call me insufferable?” He looked up at the sky before letting out a sigh and a few more words I didn’t understand. “Hope, you think I’m playing some sort of game, but I’m not.”
“I’m not either!” I nearly yelled.
Luna, no longer interested in our argument, wandered off toward the house, leaving the two of us alone on the dock.
Surrounded by water and mountains, there was nowhere to run or hide.
“What do you want, Hope?” Jay nearly growled. “Do you want me to keep things professional? Do you want me to admit that the manuscript meant something? What do you want?”
“I don’t know what I want!” I said, lifting my hands and letting them fall back down in defeat. Because I didn’t. I was so confused, torn between doing what was right and giving in to what I actually wanted.
He shook his head, his eyes burning with an emotion I couldn’t quite name. “I’m not going to tell you what to do. I made my move, and you pushed me away.”
I swallowed, my heart thundering in my chest.
“If you want something from me,” he said firmly, “you’re going to have to come over here and take it.”
Take it.
I shook my head. “Jay—”
“I’m only going to say this once, so I make myself very clear.” His voice lowered, shifting to something more husky and guttural. The tone sent a shiver down my spine.
“I am absolutely and desperately falling in love with you.”
I stopped breathing.
“Every day I have to stop myself from grabbing you and kissing you senseless. Because everything means something, Hope.” He gestured to the house behind us. “The manuscript. The hotel. The way you talk and the way you breathe—it all means something to me.”
Was he really saying all of this? Surely I was dreaming.
“It’s impossible for me not to feel something for you. So I’m sorry if my feelings are bleeding into my actions, but that’s because I can barely contain them.” He reached up, his fist pressing against his chest. “So there’s the truth.”
I was stunned.
Speechless.
“Now that I’ve laid it all out for you, what do you want?”
I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again.
His confession still hung in the air, heavy and undeniable, and now there was no going back. He looked down, then back up at me, his hand clenching around the towel he was holding.
He waited.
“I’m falling for you too,” I finally said. The words echoed across the lake, nowhere to hide in the vast expanse around us.
He didn’t move.
Didn’t take a step toward me. He didn’t make any attempt to close the distance and kiss me senseless.
And if I were being honest, I’d expected him to. That was what always happened in the books I read, or the rom-coms I watched.
After a few seconds, he let out a sharp laugh, his navy eyes still glimmering with something dark and heated.
“I told you. If you want something, Amor, you’ll have to come over here and take it.”
He wasn’t going to make this easy for me.
I hesitated, just for a beat. But the challenge in his eyes was enough to spur me forward.
I closed the distance between us, rose onto my tiptoes, and threaded my fingers into his hair.
Then I pulled him down to me, and his mouth crashed into mine.