Chapter 5
FIVE
MY EYES STING with fresh tears as I pull on the oversized navy-blue tracksuit. The soft fabric is a comforting weight against my skin. I rake my fingers through my damp hair, wincing as they snag on tangles, and gather it into a loose ponytail.
A few deep breaths.
Light slaps to my cheeks.
The tightness in my chest remains.
I long to crawl into the plush bed and surrender to the overwhelming urge to sob.
But I can’t.
Not after everything Matthew’s done.
I owe him at least a polite five minutes.
With a final, shaky exhale, I push myself away from the mattress and leave the room. The hallway is dim, lit only by faint moonlight from an open door at the other end. I descend the stairs, each step a heavy echo in the quiet house.
Don’t cry, Amy.
Don’t you dare cry.
At the base of the staircase, I round the corner. My feet carry me forward, drawn by curiosity about this unexpected haven and the man within it. I move through a cavernous living area shrouded in shadows, push open the glass doors and step onto the patio.
The scent of pine needles and damp earth fills my nostrils. Two wide stone steps lead up to a higher terrace enclosed by a waist-high black iron fence.
Matthew sits on the edge of the pool, the water a luminous expanse of blue. “Join me,” he calls out.
My heart pounds as I ascend the steps and push through the small metal gate.
The pool stretches out before me, water rippling gently, shimmering in the moonlight like scattered diamonds.
At the far end, a diving board stands silhouetted against a wall of tall evergreens.
Their branches sway in the breeze, dipping to catch the luminous glow from below.
Matthew extends a hand, his smile warm. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Beautiful,” I repeat in a whisper, taking his hand.
Warmth seeps from his skin to mine as he helps me down onto the concrete.
Our joined hands linger.
I could almost forget everything else.
The water’s surface looks even larger from down here. Matthew’s fingers tighten around mine, pulling my focus. His green eyes fix on me. There’s a silent question of concern in their depths.
“I’m fine,” I lie. The words catch in my throat.
I’m anything but.
My flimsy shield breaks. Tears well up. Embarrassed, I turn back to the water.
“You’re not,” he whispers.
I shake my head, unable to meet his gaze. “Sorry—” My apology is choked by a sob.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he reassures me. “Well, except for puking on my grass.”
A surprised laugh escapes me. I dab at my eyes with the oversized sleeve.
He nudges me playfully.
“That and using your sweater to wipe my face,” I add, managing a watery smile.
“Please be my guest. Might as well use this sleeve too.” He chuckles, dropping my hand back to my lap.
Giggling, I swivel and cross my legs, facing him. “We match,” I point out, glancing at our identical sweatshirts.
“You wear it better,” he compliments, pushing up his sleeves.
“Ha! Yeah, right. Two of me can fit in this.” I stretch out my arms.
“Still,” he insists between bouts of laughter. “The color brings out your eyes.”
I smile, propping my elbows on my knees, chin in my hands. I trace the lines of his face. He watches me, eyes filled with gentle admiration. I let myself bask in it.
“But in all seriousness, sorry for…” I inhale sharply, gesturing toward the house. “For what happened upstairs. I’m not like—” A painful sigh escapes and I bury my face in my hands.
“Hey…” Matthew murmurs, his hand resting gently on my hair.
I lift my head slightly. My trembling lips are still hidden.
He lowers his hand and wipes away my stray tears with the pad of his thumb. “Don’t,” he whispers, his voice rough with empathy.
“I’m a mess,” I mumble.
He shakes his head slowly. “You’re human.”
I shrug, unable to express the turbulence inside.
“Do you trust me?” he asks suddenly.
I straighten, frowning. “You’re not going to push me in the pool, are you?”
He throws his head back and laughs. “No, no. I promise.” He rolls his sweatpants up to his knees and swings his legs over the edge. “This does the trick for me sometimes,” he says, dipping his feet in the water and swishing them back and forth. “Cools the fire, so to speak.”
I mimic him. “It’s cold!” I cry out.
“Come on, it’s refreshing,” he counters, grinning.
“Right… refreshing,” I scoff, plunging both feet in.
The cold becomes surprisingly soothing, distracting from the chaos in my mind. I glide my feet through the water, watching ripples spread.
“Thank you,” I say softly.
He shrugs. “It’s just something that I discovered helps.”
“I meant for everything,” I say. “You had every right to kick me off your property.”
He shakes his head firmly. “Not me. Never.”
I nod slowly, a genuine smile spreading. “You have a lovely home.”
“It’s a house,” he says, his smile fading. “Too much house for me, honestly.”
“Why choose it then?”
“Long story,” he says after a heavy pause, his eyes clouding with an unreadable sadness.
Not wanting to pry, I change the subject. “Maybe once you finish furnishing it, it’ll feel more like home.”
He chuckles dryly. “So you’re an interior designer?”
“Oh, no, not even close.” I laugh. “I just noticed the empty room on my way out here, that’s all. Are you still in the midst of moving in?”
He glances at me sideways with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Long story.”
I blush, turning back to the water.
“How about you?” he asks. “You live in a house?”
“Apartment. Novo Building downtown.”
“Fancy.”
“Not mine. My fiancé’s.” The words are a bitter reminder.
He nods slowly. The muscles in his forearms tense as he tightens his grip on the edge.
“How exactly did your engagement ring end up in my front yard?”
Shame heats my cheeks. “I threw it,” I confess quietly.
I feel his gaze but can’t bring myself to look at him.
“How long have you been engaged?”
“Longer than I should have.”
Silence falls.
How do I even begin to explain the mess that is my life?
“It felt very real… our love,” I finally say.
“He used to be so good to me. I still remember how overjoyed he was when I moved in with him. He’s the reason I became a business owner.
I couldn’t have afforded it otherwise.” I pause, remembering the excitement and the way my hands had trembled as I signed the ownership papers.
“And when he proposed… It was so romantic. So grand. So… James.”
Matthew listens, gaze fixed on the water.
“It all played out like a dream,” I continue. “But then I woke up and realized he had me right where he wanted me. Trapped.”
“Trapped?” Matthew turns to me, brow creased.
“It’s not just the ring. It’s the…” I hesitate, the weight of the truth heavy on my chest. “The two hundred grand he invested in my business. As long as we’re a couple, all is well. But if that ever changes…” I trail off, unable to voice the fear that claws at me.
Matthew stares at me, his expression shifting from confusion to a dawning understanding. “He could demand full repayment tomorrow. An acceleration clause tied to your relationship status.”
I nod miserably. “Either I play the dutiful fiancée, or I lose everything.”
“Trapped,” Matthew repeats, the word a bitter curse on his lips.
“Trapped,” I confirm in despair.
“Fucker,” he mutters.
I shrug, a humorless smile twisting my lips.
“Men like James always get their way. I should never have signed that loan agreement. But he’d just promised me forever with this jaw-dropping diamond ring.
When I read that clause, it didn’t even faze me.
I didn’t know I was signing a life sentence while he was signing his freedom.
The freedom to…” I swallow hard. “The freedom to do whatever the hell he wants. I’m stuck because I want to keep my business.
And he will do whatever it takes to keep his image intact. ”
“Men like James are scum,” Matthew says.
“And women like me are dumb,” I conclude with a self-deprecating laugh.
His gaze softens. He tilts my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. “Don’t say that. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But that doesn’t make you dumb, Amy.”
I turn my face away, shame burning my cheeks. “It’s just… Nobody’s ever invested in me the way he has. He believed in me, and I mistook his support for love.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Yeah, but no less foolish.” I shift uncomfortably, the weight of his gaze heavy on me.
“It’s not foolish to believe in someone who promises you the world.”
“That’s not why—” Frustration tightens my chest. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter.” I pull my feet out of the water.
“Of course it’s not why,” Matthew agrees, exasperated. “I didn’t mean—”
I push to my feet. “I said it doesn’t matter.”
“Amy, come on.”
I walk toward the towering trees at the back.
“I know it’s not about what he offered you,” he says, following me.
I whirl around. “I loved him! A part of me still loves him—” My voice cracks. The tears I’ve been fighting spill over.
I wipe furiously at my cheeks. Risking a glance at Matthew, I see the pity in his eyes.
He thinks I’m pathetic.
He stands there, watching me with an intensity that makes my heart pound.
“Out with it already. I can hear you thinking,” I snap, stepping closer.
“Truth?” he asks, serious.
“Please.”
He pauses, eyes searching mine. “The truth is, you have a courage I struggle to comprehend. The courage to trust someone with your whole heart, only to watch them shred it to pieces. I can’t imagine how scary that must feel.” He steps closer, clenching his jaw.
I inhale sharply, tears swimming in my eyes.
“The strength it takes to feel so helpless, but still choose to stay—”
“I’m not helpless,” I object past the tightness in my throat.
“No, but your relationship is,” he counters. “Yet you choose to stick it out, protecting what little good is left.”
“Okay, that’s enough.” My protest is barely audible.
“You continue to fight for it because you will do whatever it takes not to believe something that once felt so real could turn so ugly—”
“Enough—” I hiccup a sob.
“He’s managed to convince you that your worth is tied to his approval,” he continues, his voice rising. “And you… you’ve become so focused on keeping him happy, you’ve lost sight of your own identity. You’re living in his shadow, Amy. Fading away until there’s nothing left of you—”
“I said enough!” I shove his chest with all my might.
He stumbles back. Regret flickers across his face. “And that’s the truth,” he whispers, his voice trembling. “The truth she never got to hear from me because it was too late… because I was a coward.”
Matthew swipes a hand down his face before turning his back to me, hands planted on his hips, head bowed.
I stand frozen. He’s ripped open a wound I didn’t know I had.
As I start to leave, he reaches for my elbow.
“Good night,” I say with finality, staring at the floor.
“Please, just listen.” He releases his grip. “I… I know what love can do to people. What it can make them do.” He turns away from me, a muscle jumping in his cheek. “I can’t… I won’t…”
I don’t wait for him to finish.
I rush back inside. Up the stairs and into the guest room.
I lean against the wood, breathing ragged.
The darkness is a welcome refuge from the harsh glare of reality. I curl up in bed, the soft sheets a comforting cocoon. Matthew’s words linger, stirring a whirlwind of shame and confusion.
A shadow stretches across the sliver of light beneath my door. Then retreats.
Footsteps fade into silence.
Expelling the breath I was holding, I turn onto my back. Shadows of branches dance on the ceiling.
He’s right.
The realization steals my breath.
I’ve lost sight of my identity.
Tears prick my eyes.
Who am I without James?
His words were excruciating. A sharp blade twisting in my heart. I clutch my chest as if I could physically hold the pain at bay. He gave voice to my deepest fears, and most secret hopes, with uncanny accuracy. And the woman he mentioned…
The truth she never got to hear.
Who is she?
A strange pang of envy darts through me.
Exhaustion finally claims me, and I drift off to a restless sleep, haunted by the ghost of a love that never was. And the lingering fear that maybe, just maybe, I’m not capable of anything more.