Chapter 33
NOW CHATTING WITH CALEB
Pretty Girl
hi
Caleb
Hey, pretty girl. Haven't heard from you in a while. I was worried.
yeah… sorry about that
You don't have to apologize. Just want to make sure you're okay.
i don't know if i am.
Talk to me.
i broke up with evan.
I'm proud of you.
it didn't go well.
What happened?
he… he attacked me.
…
Izzy.
i'm okay. really.
No. No, you don't just say something like that and follow it up with I'm okay.
i just… i don't know. i feel so weird about it.
Weird how?
doubt is creeping in. i listened to his voicemail.
Izzy.
i know, i know. i shouldn't have. but i did. and now it's messing with my head.
what if it was my fault? what if i did it wrong? what if i should have broken up with him in a different way? been gentler? waited longer? i mean, i had been with him for years. people don't just snap out of nowhere, right?
No. Absolutely not.
There is NO justification for what he did. None.
You could have broken up with him at a five-star restaurant with a PowerPoint presentation and a fucking gift basket, and it still wouldn't have changed the fact that he's a dangerous, manipulative piece of shit.
This is NOT your fault.
i want to believe that.
Then believe it.
cal has been taking care of me.
Good.
and i feel guilty about it.
Why?
because i love it.
i love that he's doing this. i love that he's here.
i just want to be around him.
to have him hold me.
to kiss me like he did before.
i'm just so confused right now.
About what specifically?
about everything. about what happened with evan. about how i feel about cal.
i was assaulted by someone i thought i knew, someone i thought i loved. and now i'm having these intense feelings for cal, who saved me.
That's completely normal after trauma. Your emotions are valid.
but there's more to it. i'm afraid to tell you.
You can tell me anything, Izzy. No judgment here.
i have these... thoughts about cal. intense ones. i want him to take control, to be rough with me even. and after what just happened with evan, shouldn't i be afraid of that?
There's a world of difference between assault and consensual desire. One is about power and control taken from you. The other is about trust and pleasure given freely.
that makes sense, but i still feel conflicted. like, what does it say about me that after being attacked, i'm fantasizing about someone else being dominant?
It says nothing negative about you. Many people find that reclaiming their sexuality on their own terms is empowering after trauma. The key difference is consent and trust.
i do trust cal. that's what's so strange. i barely know him, but i trust him completely.
Trust isn't always logical. Sometimes we just know.
but there's something else bothering me. i don't know everything about cal. he's mysterious, keeps things close to the chest. what if i'm just replacing one secretive guy with another?
That's a valid concern. Have you talked to him about this?
no. i've been afraid to.
Maybe that's the first step. Being honest about your feelings, your desires, and your concerns.
you're right. i need to tell him everything - how i feel, what i want, and my fears too.
That sounds like a healthy approach.
i'm just scared. what if these feelings aren't real? what if they're just some weird trauma response?
Your feelings are real regardless of where they come from. But taking time to understand them is important. There's no rush.
i think i need to talk to cal face to face about all this. figure out what we both want.
That sounds like a good plan. Remember, healing isn't linear. Be patient with yourself.
thanks for listening. for not judging me.
Always here for you, pretty girl.
oh btw, i got your gift.
What gift?
you know the gift.
Ohhh. The gift. Right.
yeah.
this whole week i just… i wasn't really in the mood for anything like that.
Understandable.
but maybe soon. when i feel more... in control of my desires again.
Take all the time you need.
okay. i think i'm feeling better after talking this through. i'm gonna get up, shower, and wait for cal to come over. maybe have an honest conversation.
That sounds great, pretty girl.
Can't wait to hear about what happens later.