Chapter 14 #2
What I like about Dr. Keats is that she never tries to steer us into the deep end.
Sometimes we get there, sometimes we don’t.
So I tell her about my search for a place in Finn River, and the challenges.
Though I’m employed by IDFW as a conservation officer, I don’t yet have a district.
For the next two months, I’m training with Rowdy Whittaker.
He’s retiring soon, but there are a few other positions opening up.
I don’t have much of a say regarding my permanent posting.
So I can’t exactly commit to a long-term rental here in case I don’t end up staying.
And that’s frustrating because I’m ready to put down roots.
Ready to quit living out of milk crates and duffel bags and forcing Jasper to adjust to a new barn with new roommates.
“You’ve had a few days in your new job, how has that been?”
My chest feels so full and light that I laugh. “It’s fucking awesome.”
She smiles, the wrinkles around her eyes creasing. “That’s so great.”
I tell her about the two days of fieldwork with Rowdy and bringing in the two scumbag shed hunters.
Even though she’s paid to listen, the kindness in her gaze feels genuine, and makes the contentment echoing inside my heart feel even more powerful. More real.
“My first day was kind of intense, though. We recovered a dead body.”
Dr. Keats’ expression sobers. “That sounds awful.”
Her simple validation is like a permission slip to feel, and I heave a full sigh because it was awful. “It was a young woman. I found out yesterday it’s not Molly, but I’ve been dreaming about her.”
Dr. Keats makes a compassionate hum. “What happens in the dream? Does it wake you up?”
It’s not like I wake up screaming or anything.
“She’s walking down our driveway just like she did that day.
” If I closed my eyes, I could picture it.
My sister’s dark brown hair trailing in the afternoon breeze.
She’s wearing a lacy tank top and the tight jeans Grandma would tut about every time she wore them.
Her makeup makes her look older than nineteen.
“But this time, she looks over her shoulder at me before she disappears.” Before she melts into the bright June sunlight.
“How do you react? In the dream.”
A familiar heavy sadness sinks through me. “It’s the same. The words I want to say are locked down tight inside me.”
“Are you still a little boy in the dream?”
“I think so.”
“If you’d been able to ask her to stay, do you think she would have?”
“Maybe.” This is the hopeful answer, but in reality, the chances of Molly staying, even for one more day, are closer to zero. Molly hated the farm.
“Say she did. Then what?”
“Maybe she would have chosen someone else to run off with.” Not someone with a rap sheet as long as my leg.
“But who’s to say this other option would have been better?”
I know what she’s getting at, and I want to forgive myself. I just haven’t quite gotten there yet.
“What would you say to Bear if he was in your shoes?”
I huff a soft laugh. “That life’s too short to carry guilt for something that’s not his fault.”
Dr. Keats gives me a soft smile. She doesn’t have to say how does it feel to extend that same kindness to yourself? because we’ve traveled this road before.
I gulp a sip of tea and smile back. “I’m working on it.”
We talk a little about the recovery community I’m supposed to be tapping into in Finn River.
My procrastinating moves me into the yellow category in my relapse prevention plan, so I commit to attending the Sunday afternoon meeting at the Methodist church.
The Methodists have the best coffee. I also agree to call my sponsor, Dane.
“Do you like your new boss?” Dr. Keats asks.
I cradle my tea, the mug warming my palms. “Yes. He’s super knowledgeable and experienced. He’s a kind of grumpy, though.”
Her eyes shine with curiosity. “At you?”
“When I talk too much, yeah. But I think it’s just his personality.”
“What’s that like?”
I shrug. “I want him to like me.”
“And you think that because he’s grumpy, he doesn’t?”
I laugh. “No. Well, I guess I don’t know. It’s uncomfortable though.”
“It’s totally normal to seek approval. Especially in this situation. He’s your mentor. And you have made it clear how badly you want to take over his district.”
Now that she spells it out like that, maybe Rowdy is grumpy about that part—retiring. Facing his mortality and all that.
“He’s not grumpy with his daughter.” It comes out in a rush, but that shouldn’t surprise me.
Dr. Keats’s expression turns thoughtful. “Who’s his daughter?”
“Linnea.”
She must pick up on the warmth in my tone, or maybe it’s on my face. “Tell me more.”
“I met her a few weeks ago but I didn’t know she was his daughter. At a bar. We…danced, and…had a good time.” I rub my suddenly damp palms down the tops of my thighs, the broken-in denim warm from my body despite the chilly room. “But she doesn’t want him to know about us.”
A frown creases Dr. Keats’ forehead. “Did she say that?”
“Pretty much.”
I expect her to ask for the exact wording so she can check that I haven’t jumped to conclusions, but she plows on. “Did she explain?”
“No. Not like we’ve had an opportunity though.”
“How do you feel about her reluctance to tell her dad about the two of you?”
A growing sting blooms beneath my skin. “It’s confusing. I thought we had a good time, but maybe I’m wrong. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for her.” Though why did she look at me like she wanted me to kiss her Monday morning?
“We went from you not knowing how she feels to assuming the worst.”
I cringe. “Ouch.”
She smiles. “Is it possible that her reasons for discretion have nothing to do with you?”
Of course it’s possible. But hope is a fickle, fragile thing. Dangerous.
“Are you okay with keeping things a secret from her dad, who is also your boss?”
I know the correct answer. Keeping one secret can so easily lead to two, to more, and that road is paved straight back to my own personal hell. A destination that jeopardizes everything I’ve worked so hard for. “No.”
Dr. Keats nods. “Okay then.”
We end the call and I close my laptop lid. The bleak darkness outside turns my window into a mirror, but I roll onto my bed and stare at the ceiling instead.
Linnea hasn’t called me about the double date. Maybe it’s better she doesn’t. Because everything up to now could be discounted as happenstance. Taking her on an actual date would cross that line.