Chapter 20
I need to get away. My feelings for Kaden consume me to the point of mad obsession. I can’t keep doing this, wanting him, loving him. Kaden’s occupying so much space in my head and heart that my entire being is spilling over with him.
There is so much bitterness between us. He didn’t choose me. I think if he did, I would have said screw everything, but he didn’t, and I have to respect that.
I call my father next, informing him I need a few days for myself, and the disappointment in his voice hits me with the force of a cyclone. But I need to grieve so I can come back and be who he needs me to be.
Mia, Blake, Bailey, and Hunter are in the living room, huddled in front of the television, eating popcorn. A smile lifts my lips. It’s good to see them getting along. I’m sure all the tension in our group is because of Kaden and me.
Well, not anymore. I move closer, and all eyes focus on me. Maybe it’s my heart aching, but hugging each of them grounds me.
Hunter pauses the movie and says, “It just started.”
“I’m tired.”
I go to my room and put clothes in a duffel bag even though I don’t know where I am going.
Bailey peers inside. “I knew something was up.”
“Because I hugged you?”
“That broken smile gave you away. What happened?”
With her inching toward the center of the room and sitting on the edge of the bed, she signals she is here to stay. I am about to call Dane to ask him about a place to crash, but I remember he’s with Abi. I hope they make the best out of tonight.
“Where are you going?”
“No idea.”
My hands shake and I clench and unclench them. It’s more out of weakness than out of anger. I desperately try to get a grip on myself.
“Did Kaden do something?”
He didn’t choose me, and I am drowning in misery. I wanted him to choose me, show me that I’m above everyone else for him. I would have said it’s the same for me. I kept my vows too. My soul is yours. That almost kiss with Dane was just payback at seeing him and Abigail, and I craved his reaction. But after discovering the truth about him, I can understand better the pain I inflicted on him.
“Celine.”
Bailey touches my arm, pulling me away from my train of thought.
“I have the perfect place for you,” she says and hurries out of my room. Not even a minute later she returns and offers me a note and a set of keys. I put the keys in my back pocket, then take the note and see an address.
“Maybe you’ll find some answers there.”
“Why are you helping me?”
“We’re not enemies, and I want us to be the united front we need to be.”
I hug her, and she says, “If there are two people who can turn love from bitter to sweet again, it’s the two of you.”
No, we can’t.
“Thank you. Can you keep this a secret, please?”
“Promise.”
I know Hunter would stop me one way or another and I am barely hanging on. Mia has her own issues to deal with. Plus, she needs me focused, and here I am, wallowing in this sea of pain, drifting farther and farther away.
I leave my phone on my nightstand and get in the car, following the GPS. Fifty miles later down the East Coast, the road leads to a green landscape appearing to enter the ocean. Atop the lush terrain sits a white house. It’s all so quaint, beautiful, and peaceful.
The stars pepper the sky, with the moon hanging from it. All light seems to be cast on this house perched on the cliff.
Reaching the door, I twist the key in the lock, letting myself in.
I switch on the lights, and a spacious living room and kitchen open before me. Beside the front window sits a piano. A railing leads to the upper level. The blend of steel and stone creates a modern touch.
I go on a discovery tour and find five bedrooms and six bathrooms all decorated in a nautical theme.
In the main bedroom, I walk toward the floor-to-ceiling windows. The curtains are blue, the same as the duvet on the king-sized bed. The pale gray walls and white furniture create a homey ambiance. In the corner is a small desk. My heartbeat picks up when I lift the picture of me and Kaden when we were younger. Where am I?
Next, I yank open the drawer and discover hundreds of letters, arranged in ribbon bound stacks, one on top of the other.
I take them all with me to the bed and lean my back against the bedframe. Looking up, I see the the sky through the glass paneled ceiling. I squeeze my eyes shut. Why would Bailey send me to his place? Because I know it’s his.
Tears pool in my eyes, and my fingers shake so badly the letters scatter around me. Trying to calm my erratic heartbeats, I push myself up and open the terrace doors, inhaling the fresh, salty breeze deeply.
I see something from the corner of my eye, and I rush back downstairs. When I step out on the porch, I turn left and follow the cobblestone path to the glass dome. There doesn’t seem to be a key, and I can’t see inside the tinted glass.
I return to the house and remove my clothes from the duffel bag, placing them in the closet next to a few pairs of jeans, shirts, and sweatpants already hanging inside. I lift one of his T-shirts to my nose, Kaden’s heady scent intoxicating me.
Oh, Kaden. Come home. I’m here, baby. Where are you?
I change into one of his shirts, needing to feel him close. On the bed, I switch on the lamp, the dim light casting an intimate glow.
I know I shouldn’t invade his privacy. These are his belongings and his personal thoughts, but maybe they will help in my grieving process.
I didn’t have closure. I went from hurt to angry and successfully shoved every thought of him away, suppressing my feelings for him until they blew up. No wonder I came undone when I saw him again. My heart recognized him, while my mind said we’ve constructed a wall. But he successfully ripped that apart.
I lean back into the soft, big pillows and count the stacks. One for each month.
Seven hundred and thirty letters. The exact number of days I was away.
Some just have the date and one sentence.
I miss you so much, Sky. I would come to you in a heartbeat if I could. It gets so bad that even the reason I must stay away seems inconsequential when the consequences could be deadly.
One has longer sentences, and I can feel his pain seeping through the ink, his love for me drenching the pages.
Every day is torture, but today is worse. It marks one year since I haven’t seen my beautiful wife. I haven’t been inside you. I am keeping my vows. I’d keep them for an eternity. At times, I wonder if my heart is even functioning without you. There will never be anyone else for me. You’re the owner of my heart, the master of my desire, the producer of my dreams. That’s your power over me, Celine. Wait for me, please. I love you. I am working on it.
Another one has me tearing up from the first sentence.
I am dying slowly without you, Celine. It’s not an exaggeration. It feels like it. Every day, I try to push through this vacuum, but it’s just black, cold, and nothingness. It’s the same hell every day without you. I don’t know how to do this shit any longer. I am weak. You’re my strength and without you, I don’t want to live. But I made a vow to you. And I will honor it. You always smiled when I said I am lost in darkness without your guiding light, but it’s the truth. You’re my home. Send me your guiding light so I am not wandering lost anymore. I want to come back home.
I turn to another letter, the paper shaking in my hands. I should read them in order, but everything in me screams in desperation to keep reading, so I pick one out randomly.
We had dinner tonight and Felix had the audacity to say, ‘Now that your weakness is no longer a factor, you can finally be what I envisioned you to be.’ I had already ripped out my heart, making the worst decision of my life. What more does he want from me?
But he doesn’t realize I don’t want to know what it’s like to be anyone or anything other than yours. I hate him. I hate them all. They will never understand that absolute power comes from love, devotion, and bonds made of loyalty, not out of fear. When you have nothing to fear, no weakness, or no vulnerability, you also have nothing to lose. That’s not an incentive. When this is all over, I will fucking laugh in their faces, holding your hand.
Oh, Kaden. I skim to another one, and it takes a while to read through my tears.
I was informed today that Abigail and I are the future. We have to be together, they’ll make sure of it. We’ve both lost too much to go through that process again. I am not betraying you. Never will. My heart, body, and everything in me have always been yours. Just yours. Forgive me, I am yours. Today. Tomorrow. Always.
I move to another letter, my heart beating in my throat. I try to blink the tears away to continue reading, but new wetness coats my lashes.
It’s your birthday, my love. I am not there. It’s the first one I am missing. I spent the day in the gym, sparring with Blake. Nothing works. It’s been months, and they still want to test me. I had to sit through another dinner while Grandmother put framed pictures of you at the school in England on the table in front of me. You were smiling. I wanted to rip the guy’s head off, but I am glad you made friends.
I miss you so damn much. Will you love me again? I am not above begging.
A choked sound tumbles out of my mouth. I never stopped. With every letter, the puzzle pieces form a picture of truth that both guts and heals me.
I had to destroy our place today. I can’t afford for them to find out how much time I spend there. They have eyes everywhere. It was as if I destroyed a part of me, of us we’ll never get back. But I swear, and this is another vow: I will build you another one, and we’ll fill that with fresh memories, a clean slate. I want to come to you, take you and disappear somewhere, just the two of us. But they’d hunt us down. I have a plan. It will take a while, but I’ll ensure the Family won’t find us. I couldn’t care less about the legacy. All I care about is having a future with you. We have a marriage to see through.
I thought I knew what pain was, but every letter shoves me deeper into the clutches of agony. But the strangest thing happens. It’s cleansing. Love baptizes me, mending my heart.
Are you still waiting for me? I hope you are. But my love, I realized I want you to be happy even at the cost of my happiness. The way we parted gave you every right to put me behind you and start over. I love you. It’s been sixteen months. I had a nightmare yesterday. You asked for a divorce. I woke up drenched in sweat and my heart pounding. I thought my chest would crack. Demand everything but not that… Let me keep a part of you that’s just mine. I had all your firsts, and if I could choose, I’d want all your lasts because that would mean we’d be together. I already live through the worst punishment, not having you. Do you still love me?
His question tugs at my heartstrings. No girl has loved a boy more than I have loved you. No woman has adored a man more than I have adored you.
It will take years before I can come to you and beg you to hear me out. Today, I am just exhausted. I am sorry to let you down… I am selfish. So selfish that if I could turn back time, I’d say go through the same hell I did. We’d heal together. But my instinct to protect you would win every damn time. I love you more than life itself. I’d always choose your well-being over mine. I’d endure all the pain so no one could ever hurt you. But I hurt you, didn’t I? I betrayed your trust. Hate me, but you could never hate me more than I do myself for what I did. Can you still love me?
His doubts clench my lungs with an unyielding grip. I can barely breathe.
Two years. I am ashes inside. I have no idea how much I can still miss you until I snap. Love me, now and forever. And if not, I hope you remember I have loved you with all of me. Will love you until my last breath. Death now sounds like a better alternative than continuing to live without you.
This is dated on the day I came back. I came back for you. Maybe my heart knew you couldn’t take our separation much longer.
After reading only a portion of the letters, I am an emotional mess. His letters wreck me. Needing a break, I curl myself together on the bed, wishing he was here. Longing coaxes fresh tears to stream down my face.
He never forgot about me nor stopped loving me.
This time away won’t help me grieve. It will ignite a fire that nothing can extinguish. I inhale deeply, preparing myself for the emotional warfare, and I pick another letter from a stack.
I sit at Grandmother’s table, and think of you. It’s day number 245. I count them, Sky. Every one is a reminder of my heart aching. My soul misses its mate, my body trembles with need. You wouldn’t recognize me, and forgive me, but I had to become this cold hearted man so I can have the upper hand. I can’t let the others down. Choosing your freedom meant I chose you. I am glad the group understood because I might be loyal, and they might be my family, but in the end, I would always choose you. I hope I can tell you everything one day, or you will find these letters with all my confessions. I hope you do. Some things I don’t want to relive. Some things are better left unsaid.
What did they do to you?
I find the letter dated on the night that changed everything. The paper is crumbled, the words smudged, almost unreadable from the tears mixed with the ink. I sob even before I start reading.
Do you remember when we laughed at this Family, at their hunger for power, at their uptightness, and at their dislike of each other and still they work together?
I was initiated tonight. Lucky me. They pinned me to a chair and injected something into my neck, my eyes fixed on the screen. I heave at the thought alone, at their display of showing me I am nothing but a tool. Seeing the people you consider family violate you like that… And even as I didn’t understand what was going on, my father said.
“To whom does your loyalty belong?”
“To whom are you faithful?”
“Who will you serve?”
They injected me with a truth serum while reminding me if I chose you, your fate would be even worse. I had to see you dying on the screen again and again. It hardened me.Whatever fucking mental games they played, I knew one thing. If I didn’t choose them, I could never have you. Even though my veins burned, to the point I thought my body was on fire, I endured it with a poker face and gave the answer they wanted. But even that wasn’t enough, because the torture continued.
I did what I had to do so another barbaric initiation wouldn’t take place. To create their perfect loyal soldiers, they find the one thing you love, your weakness, as they call it, and make it disappear. Everything will be held against you and used to their advantage. When you beat at my door two nights later, every inch of my skin hurt. But I would not allow them to do that to you. So I cut my heart out for you but also for me because I would have killed them all if they ever laid a hand on you.
I swore my loyalty to Grandmother, that I’d do whatever she wanted, but she had to send you away in exchange. She said she would let you go if you didn’t pledge your loyalty to her. I manipulated you to choose me. This is my sin, Sky. But nothing they did compared to seeing you leave. I wear your love behind a layer of stone.
Everything is dark and worthless, but at least you’re safe.
Sobs wrack my chest and hiccups steal my breath away. I stumble from the bed and drop to my knees, barely making it in time to reach the bathroom. Hugging the toilet, I empty my stomach, yet the acidic, putrid taste remains in my mouth. When I expunge all the venom, I crawl back to the bedroom and lie on the floor, my eyes on the sky above.
Those damn heartless bastards. I remember Kaden flinched in pain when I tried to touch him. He had to do what I would have done too––protect, because when you love, that’s the first thing you do. Protect it at all costs.
Oh, Kaden. I could have taken their treatment again and again for you. You wanted to protect the girl, yet she transformed––a reverse metamorphosis, from an innocent girl to a fighter.
It will take me days to finish the letters, but who cares? I won’t leave this place until I have read every single one.
And then what? Every new letter I read motivates me more, not just to take the Family down but to annihilate them.
I learned how to be strong out of choice. You learned how to be strong to survive. I will find a way to free us all.