Chapter Four
It wasn’t an outright no.
It wasn’t a yes either.
For the rest of the night, Sidney pretended that the entire conversation out on the balcony didn’t happen. She laughed as we watched TV on the couch, her feet resting in my lap while she nursed her glass of wine, completely at ease in a pair of my sweats and one of my tees.
She’s now passed out in the guest room across from me, and I’m lying here like a fucking lovesick teenager, obsessing over the words I spoke, overthinking every expression I caught on her face.
She was contemplating it; I could see it.
And fuck, now I’ve made the offer, I really want her to say yes.
You and your big heart, Noah Calahan.
I didn’t have a big fucking heart, just a selfish one.
And a raging hard-on for my best friend.
I drag a hand down my face and push up, my feet landing on the floor with a thud as I hang my head and question every damn choice I’ve ever made.
Maybe I just need to tell her how I feel.
Tell her how hopelessly in love with her I am instead of being a coward and hiding behind the bond that’s grown throughout the years.
The clock on the nightstand reads just after two in the morning, and it’s so quiet this far up above the city, I can hear the hum of electricity in the walls and the whirl of the refrigerator from the kitchen.
I’ve always wanted kids; I just didn’t think it would happen for me, not when I could never find a woman who compared to Sidney. I’d come to terms with the fact that I’d remain single and childless for the rest of my life.
Stretching as I stand, I move out of my bedroom, pausing at the door across the hall and gently push it open.
She lies in the middle of the bed on her front, half covered by the sheets, as her hair spreads wildly over the pillows and across her face.
My sweats have been discarded to the floor, leaving her in just my tee that’s ridden up to the small of her back, leaving the soft curve of her ass on display.
She breathes evenly, undisturbed by my presence.
Pulling the door back closed, I head through to the living room, quietly pulling a glass from the cupboard before I grab the whiskey and pour myself a helping, carrying it over to the wall of windows to look down on the sleeping city.
“Can’t sleep?” I didn’t hear her get up, and her voice sounds from the other side of the room.
“Something like that.” I offer her my whiskey and listen as her feet pad across the room, coming to a stop by my side. She takes the glass and takes the smallest sip known to man and still ends up coughing.
A slight grin tugs up the corner of my mouth. We both knew that would happen, but Sidney is determined to become a whiskey drinker even though she fucking despises whiskey.
“I don’t get it!” she stomps her foot, turning my small smile into a full-blown one. “I thought exposure therapy would work.”
“Not sure you can do exposure therapy on whiskey, cricket.”
“Well, why not?” She crosses her arms after she hands the drink back.
“You either like it or you don’t.”
She pouts, “That sounds like bullshit.”
“I don’t make the rules,” I take a sip, letting the burn warm me through, reveling in it as it sinks through my chest.
I flick my eyes to her, noting the lack of pants on her, my tee falling to mid-thigh.
“What are you thinking about?” She asks.
“Do you need to ask?”
“I suppose not,” she leans into me. “Same thing that’s kept me awake.”
“You looked asleep to me.”
She chuckles, “Creeper.”
I don’t deny it. If we are together, either at her place or mine, I always check in on her. It’s been that way since we were still kids.
“Are you regretting your offer?” Her tone is light and airy, but I still hear the tension pushing at the edges.
“The opposite, actually,” I tell her honestly.
“Is it crazy that I am considering it?” She flicks her dark eyes at me before looking away quickly.
“You know I would give you the world, Sid. I’m not sure why you’re so shocked I’d offer you that. And I mean it. You could say yes right now, and I’d do my damn best to give you what you wanted.”
“How would it even work?” She tugs on the hem of my shirt, “Like, do we go to a clinic? I have no idea how we would even do it.”
My mouth goes dry. “Well, I wasn’t considering a clinic.”
Her eyes bug out of her head, “You mean…”
“Do I need to give you the birds and the bees talk?” I joke even though the walls are closing in around me and heat is rushing down my spine. “When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much they—hey ow!” I grasp her wrists to stop her from swatting my chest again.
“I know how sex works, Noah!” Her face is beet red, the blush traveling down her throat and disappearing under the collar of my tee. “But you and me?”
My brows lower. Has she really never thought about me that way?
“You’re like…”
Don’t say brother. Do not fucking say brother. I mean, she’s never said it before, I’m not sure why she would start now, but I suppose there’s always a place to start.
“You’re Noah,” she finishes.
“I’m more than capable of fucking you, Sidney.” The words slip out entirely too easily and hang in the air between us.
I watch her delicate throat work on a swallow as her wide eyes latch and hold mine.
“It doesn’t need to be anything more than that,” I rush to fill the void. “We’re friends. It’s not a big deal.”
I really need to shut my big fucking mouth. Not a big deal. Mentally I’m slapping myself upside the head. What a fucking moron.
“Just sex,” she blinks, gnawing her lip.
It’ll never just be sex. I know it, and she just needs to catch up.
“What if it ruins everything?” She asks quietly.
“Nothing would ever ruin us.”
“Sex makes things messy.”
“Why? You afraid you’ll fall in love with me?”
She rolls her eyes, “I already love you.”
“My dick then,” I’m trying to lighten the mood, ease the tension pulling tight between us. “It’s a good dick if I do say so myself; I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Jesus,” she snorts, “I’m not going to fall in love with your cock, Noah.”
“You wound me, Sidney.”
“I’m sure you’ll live, Calahan.”
“How about this,” I sigh, turning a touch serious, “Think about it. Think about what you want. If you want to forget this ever happened, then fine, and if you don’t… well, you know what happens next.”