48. Damage Control
Damage Control
MARY
“The best revenge is living rent-free in your head. Why can’t you see?” I sang until I felt like I might cry.
Because we made it. For years I fought the feeling that I couldn’t move the boulder up hill. Then, I did. As I sang, I watched people dance. I saw the Swedish entourage cheering from the front row. I watched my dad light up as I lived a dream I never thought would come true.
Still breathless, I pulled out my ear and listened to the deafening cheers.
This recognition moved beyond me to the other people along for this ride.
I worked hard to give my band the best shot at a win.
I lived it up for my mom, a woman who would have given anything to be in my boots on this very stage.
I danced joyfully for my teenage self because when she ran, she was sure she’d never be back.
I sang my heart out for my present self, vowing not to back down to an abuser.
Then, as I dropped my mic for the last time and the lights dimmed, I looked for one more person—the woman who gave me the validation needed to return to this stage.
I wanted to flash her a smile and feel the pride vibrating through her.
I longed to feel how I made her feel with my performance.
Unfortunately, Betty and her co-host were gone.
I told myself I’d see her soon enough as we left the stage, waiting the hour to hear our fate from the jury.
“That was a world-beater,” Barry patted my back. “Damn, woman! You channeled that rage!”
“I poured it all out.”
“Don’t dump the tank yet. You’ve got finals in two days,” AJ called, following. “But that was one hell of a performance.”
As we walked, I sucked down a bottle of water.
A group in suits and dresses passed and pulled into a room.
A door slammed. I furrowed my brow and turned to our handler.
The hair stood up on my neck. I knew it was the jury.
Thinking about their deliberations reminded me of Max and our near miss.
Suddenly, it wasn’t about our chance in the finals, it was the fear over what happened with Max.
What if they didn’t find anything? And what if he was still around to destroy our hopes in the finals?
“Hey, what’s that about?” I asked the escorting PA.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“That was the jury, though?” I asked in Swedish, as if somehow this would change the outcome.
In Norwegian, she responded, “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
I turned to my band. “Is everyone okay?”
“We’re good, babes. Are you okay?” Alicia read my face.
I didn’t answer, realizing there was one person I hadn’t spotted. “Where’s Bets?”
I immediately regretted using her nickname.
“No clue. I’m sure she’s busy,” Alicia said. “Now, liven up. We survived. She’ll see you soon enough.”
I tried not worrying, but remembered the schedule. There was a forty-five-minute timeframe where the broadcasters ran pre-recorded material to give the jury time to deliberate and the performers and hosts a break. Betty should have been back by now.
We waited in the green room, sitting on the floor because it was packed and there were no chairs. Clarice stole champagne and insisted she fill our glasses.
“I shouldn’t drink. We still have to go back out there,” I said.
“Say ‘skol’ like a good little Viking and ignore that,” Alicia handed me a glass. “Babes, you fucking slayed. You earned a bit of celebration.”
“I dunno,” I said.
“We can at least celebrate being alive, right?” Clarice asked.
We continued to drink. Every minute, I scanned the room, hoping to see Betty. A few times, I bothered the staff. I knew I should lay low and ignore her. It looked bad to care about where the hosts were, but I couldn’t help myself. Why wasn’t she here?
“We should have been called back by now. I’m going to be totally shit-faced by the time we go back out there. I’m cutting myself off after this. No more until I find Betty.”
“Would you calm down? They probably have her sequestered,” Alicia said. “Don’t panic.”
Another 20 minutes passed. Without phones, we grew beyond restless. We were now forty minutes past call time.
“I’m going to try to get answers about why we’re still waiting.”
As the room’s veteran, I didn’t have the patience for this, nor did I have the stamina to keep up with the young people capable of drinking heavily and remaining functional tomorrow.
I strode outside, looking for anyone but the PA who wanted to throttle me, but as I entered the hall, all I heard was someone in tears.
I followed the sound of the voice until I found Alia crumpled on the floor in the same doorway where Betty and I had been hours before.
“Alia, what’s wrong?” I asked.
She looked up, makeup running, “It’s over. I’m done.”
“What?” I asked. “Can I sit?”
“Why do you want to?” She sobbed.
“Because I’m worried about you.”
I sat, trying to suss out what she meant.
“They disqualified me,” she sniffled. “Because… they say our delegation broke the rules.”
“What?” I was shocked, but also relieved.
It wasn’t because Sweden was out of the way. It was because they wouldn’t be able to intervene as easily in the finals. The band was safer. Despite that, I worried for Alia. Of course she was crushed!
“I don’t care about that much. Perhaps, that is selfish. I’m angry that I did nothing wrong, though. And that your drummer could have died.”
My blood ran cold as I steadied myself. It felt good to have a confirmation that I wasn’t crazy, but now I realized how close we came to Max ending everything for Barry and us.
I looked down the hall, wishing to see Betty.
I wanted to tell her she saved the day. I listened to Alia’s next sentence and was pulled right back into the present.
“Max told Jason to get someone to mess with the lights,” Alia sniffled. “They say he interfered with your headset, too. I swear I didn’t know. I never would have—”
“I know you wouldn’t. But he doesn’t give you a choice.”
“It’s always his way. And now that it’s out…” her voice trailed.
“I know what you mean,” I said. “You don’t have to say anything.”
“He will lose his mind.”
“If he comes for you, he’s going to have to come for all of us,” I said. “Me, Barry, Alicia, and Clarice. And Clarice is like a black belt in something, so she’s not to be fucked with. I’m five foot nothing, but she’s not.”
Alia snickered. “That’s kind, but… it’s over. The only thing people will remember me for is this scandal and me going off the rails.”
I took a deep breath. I wanted to help, but knew she wasn’t wrong. She was caught up in something much bigger than herself. She knew better than I did even at her age. I remembered those feelings from an hour before—the ones for the teen who was told she’d never be allowed a career again.
“I know what that is like, Alia. I had a meltdown in front of the world. They said I was ungrateful when I walked off stage. But the things Max did to me broke me beyond help. It took me years to come back—years to even just stand on a stage with a guitar.”
Alia cocked her head, listening intently.
I continued, “It wasn’t until this last year where I was forced to front this record that I was even willing to do a stadium show. But here I am—older, wiser, and not willing to take shit from mediocre white men with God complexes.”
“But he owns everything!”
“He’ll tell you that, but he doesn’t. Not anymore,” I said. “To quote ABBA, I am finally facing my Waterloo. I will do it for you, but also hopefully with you.”
“What?”
“I’m about to call up everyone I know who worked with him as a young woman. I’m about to ask them to join me. I want to shout from the rooftops what he did. If it burns me, so be it. I have bigger fish to fry.”
The words left me before I had time to think about what I was saying. I was willing to out Max for the first time in my life. I would use my current position to right wrongs for girls like Alia. And though it frightened me, I knew younger me needed older me to be that woman.
“Like what?” Alia asked.
“It will come out in good time.” I stood and dusted my cigarette pants. “But you? You will come through this. If I must cowrite something with you to help show them that you are incredibly talented and a force to be reckoned with, I will.”
“You don’t—”
“No. Everyone deserted me out of fear. I beat myself up over it for years. I won’t let that happen to you, Alia.”
“What do you mean?” Alia asked.
“He cast me aside. He told people not to work with me. You’re right that he knows a lot of important producers and writers. He told people not to work with me. They stood by him.”
In despair she said, “Then how will I survive?”
“If I can, you can,” I said. “And you’re not alone. I’m pretty fucking good at my job, Alia. I had to become an even better producer and writer to survive this long. I will help you and I have a lot of friends, too.”
She searched for words, but found none. Instead, she gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, realizing just how tiny the girl was. She was a baby and these men had simply discarded her. I pulled away and looked at her tear-stained little face.
“You will be okay. I promise you that everyone I know will work to lift you up. Don’t feel like it’s over.”
“Mary!” Barry’s voice emanated down the hall.
It sounded emergent.
“I gotta go. Call my room at the hotel if you need me,” I said.
I trotted back to Barry, smiling.
“They caught him,” I said. “And Alia is the unfortunate casualty. But we will sort that out. I told her I’m not willing to—”
“We’re in. They’re pulling us back to announce it, but they’re not doing the big reveal because they have to explain why Sweden was DQ’ed.”
No big reveal. This had to be a monumental shift. The fact that they outed Sweden rather than covering it up felt huge, but I felt even more for Alia. It made her look worse even if she’d done nothing wrong.
“Oh,” I said. “Okay. Where’s Betty? Have you seen her? I want to speak to her.”
“I got answers on that, too,” Barry said. “She had to leave. The guy with a clipboard—”
I didn’t wait for him to finish. I raced to find said guy and demanded to know where Betty was.
“She had to leave,” the man responded. “She’s gone.”
“Before the announcement?”
“There was an… emergency.”
My heart stopped and stomach sank. Was she okay? I had to ring her. I raced to find our assistant and get my phone back. She handed it over but told me I only got it until we went back towards the stage. In a few short minutes, I rang Betty to no avail. Then, I texted.
ME
They caught him. He’s gone. Sweden got DQ’ed. Where are you? Are you safe?
There was no response. I knew something was wrong when a few more minutes passed with no response. I followed up.
ME
Betty it’s okay if you can’t say what is going on, but I’m worried. Please just tell me.
As the call came for two minutes, I got a text.
?LSKLING
There is a family situation. I am not available.
I knew it wasn’t Betty who texted. Was she blowing me off? Had she been abducted? What was going on?