Chapter 20 #2
"I don't know." Gabe's voice was grim. "But I'm going to exhaust every avenue before I give up."
"Good." Graced nodded, then her eyes filled with tears again. "I can't bear to see her so sick, like she was last time, but I'm not ready to let her go yet."
"Me either, but at some point…" He cleared his throat. "We're going to have to accept that it’s time..."
The tears streamed down Grace's face as she nodded before turning away.
Gabe blinked back tears of his own. "Next time you go shopping, buy some of those nutrition-packed protein drinks. As the tumor in her stomach grows, she's going to find it harder and harder to eat."
It would only prolong the inevitable, but Gabe needed to believe they were doing everything they could for their mom.
Lunch was a quiet affair, and Gabe's mother was soon resting on the couch again. As the acceptance he'd tried to force upon himself earlier cycled back around to anger and denial, he couldn't bear to sit still.
When Grace stepped out of the living room to take a phone call, he went to the backyard.
He grabbed a hoe from the shed and made short work of the few weeds in the garden and flower beds. Then he stood in the middle of the yard with his hands on his hips, searching for something to do.
His gaze landed on the rickety trellis with the climbing roses.
Mom loved those roses, but the trellis was an eyesore.
He walked over and studied the way the roses had woven around each other and the trellis.
If he cut the support wires, maybe he could untangle them and replace the trellis.
Easier said than done, but a deep-seated need to do this act of service for his mom filled him.
An hour later, Grace came outside. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm replacing the trellis." He grunted as he tugged one vine loose from another. His grunt was followed by a hiss as more thorns tore at his skin.
Scrapes and abrasions covered his hands and arms. He cringed at the number of leaves and rose petals littering the ground, fearing he'd undertaken an impossible task.
"Mom said she didn't want you to replace it." Grace planted her hands on her hips in a defensive stance.
"I know, but this old thing is such an eyesore." He flicked a loose section to emphasize his point. It wobbled back and forth, shaking the whole trellis.
"You're going to ruin her roses." Her voice took on a desperate edge.
"If I don't replace the trellis, the whole thing is going to come down with the next stiff wind. Her roses will never survive that." He tore into the depths of the roses again trying to wiggle free the vine he'd been wrestling with for the last twenty minutes.
Another thorn tore into the flesh of his thumb. Swearing, he jerked his hand back and shoved the stinging digit to his lips. He sucked away the blood.
"Why are you torturing yourself?"
"Because I have to do something!" The volume of his voice made her flinch. Lowering it, he went on, "I can't just sit around, feeling like I've failed everyone." He threw his arms in the air like Paige often did.
Paige.
He'd failed there too, never mind their relationship was supposed to have been fake. He'd fallen in love with her only to turn around and let her down.
"How have you failed everyone?" Grace's brow furrowed in confusion.
"I'm supposed to take care of you and Mom, and I—"
"Says who?"
Gabe gave a non-committal shrug. "I had to be the man of the house after Dad left. It was my job to take care of—"
"Stop!" She held up a hand. "I know with Mom being diagnosed with breast cancer and me getting…
well, you know… You had to take on an awful lot of responsibility, and you did a fabulous job.
I don't know what either of us would have done without you during that time.
" Her voice grew thick with emotion. "But newsflash: I'm an adult now, and Mom's cancer is not your fault.
You don't have to fix everything for everyone.
" She choked up again. "Replacing the trellis won't change Mom's diagnosis, Gabe. "
"I know." He ground out the words then punctuated them with another swear word.
"Mom would be so disappointed to hear you talk like that.”
His gut clenched. Grace was right, but he felt so helpless. He looked down at the mess he'd made. He'd managed to untangle two vines. He still had several more to go, but he couldn't stop now. Doing so would feel like he had lost hope.
He dug back into the roses, determined to finish what he'd started. There would come a day when he'd need to let go, but he wasn't ready for today to be that day.
More time than what?
The words filled his head again, but he pushed them aside. He couldn't justify why he should be allowed more time with his mom, when others lost loved ones all the time without warning.
Grace sighed. "At least change your clothes and get some gloves."
He surveyed his clothes. Several small tears and specks of blood dotted his white dress shirt. A few drops had even landed on his gray slacks that sported grass and dirt stains. They were already ruined. What was the point in changing now?
She shook her head and walked away, returning a few minutes later with two pairs of gloves. "Stop punishing yourself and put these on."
He doubted the gloves would do much good since he'd already mangled his hands, but he didn't have the energy to argue. In some perverse way, he felt like he deserved the pain he'd inflicted on himself.
Grace pulled on the second pair. "Tell me what to do."
"You don't have to help me." He shook his head as he went after the vine that had been giving him fits. "You should stay close to Mom, in case she needs something."
"She's not a child or an invalid, Gabe. Not yet anyway." She studied her gloved hands. "She reminded me of that this morning. We need to let her be independent for as long as we can."
Grace was right. Again. He acknowledged her words with a grunt. "Hold this vine while I untangle the other one from it."
They worked together for some time; their grunts and hisses the only thing to break the silence. Then out of the blue, Grace said, "I still think it's wrong to lie to Mom, but for what it's worth, I like Paige."
Gabe's head jerked up. "Good, but did you seriously have to give her such a hard time last week?"
"I had to make sure she was good enough for my brother." Grace grinned, unrepentant.
"It's fake, Grace. You don't need to protect me from a fake girlfriend."
She quirked a brow at him. "Are you sure about that?"
"That I don't need your protection?” He scowled at her. “One hundred percent certain."
"No, are you sure it's still fake?" Skepticism filled her face.
"Of course it is. It has to be—" He sucked in a sharp breath when a thorn dug into his arm. "I don't have the time or emotional energy for anything more."
Grace dropped the vine she'd been holding and propped her hands on her hips. "That’s nonsense."
"It's not nonsense. It's called being realistic and responsible."
"Responsible?" Grace's face looked like she'd sucked a lemon.
"Love isn't supposed to be responsible, or so I've been told." She smacked his arm. "You’re supposed to feel a little out of control when you’re in love, aren’t you? But you don’t care, because you love the way you feel when you’re with that person.
I mean, I've never been in love, so I don't really know. "
His life felt out of control alright, and he loved being around Paige and her sunny personality. So much so, he was risking his job.
Grace stared at him, waiting for a response. When he didn't speak, she nudged his shoulder. "Is that how it was with Harper?"
"It was different with Harper." His words were little more than a grunt.
"How?" Grace picked up her vine again.
"Harper pursued me. She bowled me over with her big personality, and I got caught up in the idea of being in love and having a woman in my life.
" He recalled Paige mentioning how charismatic and persistent Phillip was and imagined she experienced something similar.
"I asked Harper to marry me, because she convinced me marriage was the next step.
" He shrugged one shoulder. “Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have thought about marriage until after PT school.”
"And then she cheated on you and left you at the altar." Contempt laced Grace's words.
Gabe studied his Sunday shoes that were now ruined. "Because I didn't give her the attention she needed."
"Stop taking the blame for her actions." She pointed a finger at Gabe. "Sure, you're not perfect. Nobody is. But it’s past time for you to stop punishing yourself for her faults."
Didn't he tell Paige something similar yesterday?
Even if he stopped shouldering the blame, it didn’t mean he’d changed.
He tended to be hyper-focused when he had a goal, and right now, his goals were to ensure the new PT office was a success and make the most of his final days with his mom.
He couldn’t accomplish both of those and make Paige happy.
She deserved more than he could give her right now.
"This thing with Paige…" He halted when Grace's curious gaze jumped to his face. "I think I've screwed it up."
“What did you do?” Grace’s expression became wary.
“I told her not to get her hopes up. I don’t have the time to devote to a real relationship.”
“Time?” Grace scoffed. “I know you have a lot going on right now, and our lives have been in upheaval since Mom’s diagnosis, but there is no perfect time to fall in love.
” Her expression was earnest as she gripped his arm.
“Love is a gift from God. We don’t get to choose when or if it will happen to us.
But we can choose if we will accept it and let it enrich our lives.
” Then she shrugged one shoulder as she let go.
“Or you know, you can reject it and continue to be miserable.”
“You sound like Mom.” Gabe found himself smiling.
Grace grinned and lifted her chin in the air. “Well, she is a very wise woman.”
“For the record, I wasn’t miserable before I met Paige.”
“Maybe not, but now that you’ve gotten to know her, do you honestly think you’ll be happy if you push her away?”
No.
He was miserable just thinking about how he hurt her last night. But how did he make sure he was there for his mom, succeeded in his job, and didn’t neglect Paige when just being with her put his job at risk.
She’d have to drive to Pasco for PT if they were ever going to be together, which is exactly what her father wanted to avoid by insisting Gabe open the office in Providence.
“To be honest…” Grace looked down at her gloved hands. “I envy you.”
“What?” Gabe gave her a confused look. “Why?”
“You have someone to talk to and share your pain with as we face all of this…” Tears flooded her eyes as she motioned toward the house. “…uncertainty with Mom.”
As hard as it was to discuss, talking to Paige about what he was going through made him feel less alone. Twelve years ago, he had no one to talk to when he’d had to be strong for his mom and sister. It didn’t have to be that way this time.
He wanted to accept this gift from God.
But that meant truly opening his heart to Paige and possibly losing his job. Was he willing to make that sacrifice?