CHAPTER 17
“What are you doing here?” Aggie asked when Larissa walked into her office.
“I was on campus. Had a meeting. Thought I’d stop by and see if you wanted to grab lunch.”
“I’m technically in office hours right now, just no one wants to talk to me, it seems. Their test next week is going to be hard, so they really should be here, asking me questions.
Want to sit?” Aggie motioned for Larissa to sit in one of the two chairs in front of her desk.
“Social psych is the class everyone thinks will be easy until they realize how hard my tests are.”
“Why are you torturing them?” she asked with a laugh and sat down.
“For fun. Anyway, how was your meeting?”
“Good. Yes, before you ask, I’m still behind, but I’m working on it.”
“You’re an adult. I’m done trying to talk you into finally finishing something you set out to do close to twenty years ago if we count undergrad.”
“I will finish.”
“I believe you.”
“Do you, really?” Larissa asked.
“You know, it depends on the day. Sometimes, I get a text from you where you’re talking about research or the help you need to get the paper done, and I think she’s really going to finish this thing. Other times, you’re talking to me about some book, and I think she’s never going to finish.”
“I will.”
“Okay,” her sister replied. “You don’t have to convince me. Convince yourself there, Larissa.”
“I’m convinced, thank you very much.”
“Yeah? Good. How’s everything else going?”
“Fine, I guess.”
“You guess?”
“Nothing new, really. Well, I’ve made progress on the book outline, and we’ve got another interview tonight, but that’s not new, I suppose. Um… I asked Harlow to move in with me.”
“You did what?” Aggie asked, leaning over her desk.
“She’s already there, so I thought we could just make it permanent or, at least, official.”
“Permanent?”
“Like she’s not just staying with me. That’s what I mean. She’d live there and pay rent.”
“So, Harlow’s moving in?” Aggie asked and sighed.
“She said no, actually.”
“She said no?”
“Yeah. She’s applied for this apartment and will probably get it. She likes it, and it’s closer to work. Get this: she spent the night at Alicia’s.”
“Who’s Alicia?”
“Her ex.”
“Which one? She has so many, I can’t keep up.”
“The most recent one,” Larissa replied. “The one she was with before she moved out of the apartment they shared and moved in with me.”
“She’s staying with you.”
“That’s what I meant. Anyway, she spent the night with her.”
“She hooked up with her ex?” Aggie asked.
“No, she said they just hung out.”
“She slept over, and they just hung out?”
“That’s what she said.”
“Do you believe her?”
“I don’t know why she’d lie to me about it.”
Aggie laughed wildly at that, which caught Larissa off guard.
“What?” she asked, looking at her sister, confused.
“Nothing.”
“No, say it.” Larissa leaned forward in her chair. “What were you laughing at?”
“Nothing. Really. Just that she has more ex-girlfriends than I have students in my social psych class.”
“It’s not that many,” she argued.
“How many is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Larissa, how many serious ex-girlfriends has Harlow had? And I’m not talking about first dates that went nowhere, but the women she’s called ‘girlfriend’ since you two met.”
“Nine,” she replied. “I think.”
“And you know how many first dates she’s been on, too, don’t you?” Aggie asked, seemingly very interested.
“No. That would be ridiculous.”
“I bet she knows how many you’ve been on.”
“Probably, because it’s so few. Not that hard to count to, like, four.”
“That’s not the only reason she knows.”
“She’s my best friend, so, yeah, she knows how many dates I’ve been on.”
“Larissa… You are the dumbest smart person I know. You’re smarter than me, even though you don’t realize it. You’re probably smarter than the head of our department, and he was a literal Rhodes Scholar.”
“I am not smarter than you.”
“Yes, you are,” Aggie stated. “I might be faster at some things, but you’re smarter than me, little sister.
There’s just one area you can’t ever seem to figure out, and I’ve tried to wait for you to get there yourself because, as we in psychology know, self-discovery is pretty important, but… ” Aggie bit her lower lip.
“Just say it, Aggie.”
“Harlow is in love with you.”
Larissa leaned back in her chair.
“Maybe it’s because you’re so smart that you don’t see it. They say that a very high IQ can mean a lower EQ, but I don’t know that I buy that for everyone. And I don’t think EQ necessarily means–”
“She’s not in love with me, Aggie.”
“Oh, Larissa… Yes, she is. She’s been in love with you since the first moment she laid eyes on you. I’d know; I was there. I saw the whole thing. I’ve watched this whole thing you two have been doing for the past, what, twelve, or is it thirteen years now?”
“What thing? We haven’t done anything. We’re just–”
“Idiots in love,” Aggie finished for her.
“Just listen to me for a second, okay? Don’t interrupt.
I mean it. I’m going to ramble for a second.
” Aggie pointed at her. “Harlow has been in at least nine relationships, and none of them have worked out. She keeps moving in with these women, only to end up at your house, where she has a room waiting for her with her own stuff in it. Yes, friends crash with other friends, but I was there the night you two met. I was at that party. I watched her look at you like you hung the damn moon, Larissa. And I love you; you’re my favorite person, outside of my kids – well, sometimes, you’re my actual favorite person because they’re doing something to annoy or piss me off.
I even put you over my husband, and I love him, but you’re my sister.
I held you when you came home from the hospital.
I watched you grow up. I’ve been with you through everything, and I know why you hardly date at all.
It’s not because of school. It’s not because you haven’t met the right person yet.
It’s because you have, and you haven’t realized it.
I will admit: I’m not always Harlow’s number one fan, but that’s mainly because she loves you and hasn’t told you.
Coward crap, I’m not a fan of, especially when it involves my sister.
So, you two can keep doing this dance where you pretend like it’s not what it is, and you can grow old with other people or alone, but, Larissa, that woman loves you.
God, she adores you. She loves taking care of you when you let her.
She loves just being in the same damn room with you.
She’d sit there silently next to you for hours, and she’s just happy to share space with you. She–”
“Then, why would she want to move an hour away from me when I’m offering her the chance to live together? Your argument doesn’t check out there, Aggie.”
Larissa crossed her arms over her chest.
“Oh, hell. You are infuriating. Why would she want to live with you when she loves you and, for whatever reason, can’t tell you?
She’s afraid, Larissa. She probably doesn’t want to be there when you go on that fifth first date, because it’ll mean you’re dating someone else and probably even getting naked with that someone else.
God, I remember the three of us having lunch one time: you, me, and Harlow.
You’d just started dating Romy, and I asked you if you two had sex yet.
You said yes, and I looked over at Harlow.
You were eating a burger or something and not paying attention, but Harlow turned to the window, looking like you had just told her the worst possible news, Larissa. ”
“That was years ago.”
“I’m aware. She’s loved you for longer than that.”
“I don’t think so, Aggie. We’re just close,” she replied. “You don’t really have any close female friends. And you’re also straight, so you–”
“You don’t want to see it? Admit it to yourself? Fine. I’m only trying to tell you what the rest of the world already knows, Larissa. Even Mom and Dad know.”
“You told them you think she’s in love with me?”
“No, they told me that they were waiting for you two to tell them that you were a couple. They worried you didn’t feel comfortable bringing a woman home all those years ago, even though you were out and they were fine with it.
I told them that you were just friends, but that I was pretty sure Harlow was in love with you.
They agreed that it was obvious, and we laughed about it because we all thought you two would get there soon. It’s been years now.”
“You’re laughing at me with Mom and Dad?”
“Both of you, technically, but yes.”
“That’s messed up, Aggie.”
“So is whatever you two are doing.”
“We’re not doing anything.”
“Exactly! She can’t live with you. I think that’s a good thing.”
“Why?”
“It might just mean that she’s finally ready.”
“For what, exactly?”
“To either tell you or move on. Not sure which. Could go either way.”
“Either way? Come on, Aggie…”
“What? Larissa, if you were me, or better yet, if you were a psychologist talking to a patient right now, and that patient told you everything I know about your history with Harlow, what would you think?”
“That we’re two gay women who happen to be good friends.”
“That’s all? Really? I guess I thought you were smarter than you are, then.”
“Hey!” Larissa laughed.
“She’s going to find someone, Larissa. You know she will.
It might not be tomorrow, but one day, she’ll meet some woman, and she’s going to move on because, even though she loves you, she can’t have you for whatever reason she’s got locked in her head.
Maybe she thinks that she’s not good enough for you or that you don’t feel the same way, so she doesn’t want to take a chance, but someday, she will meet a woman and she’ll decide that she likes her enough to try to move on from her feelings for you.
” Aggie then looked over her head and added, “Looks like I have a student who wants to talk to me, after all.”
Larissa turned her head to see a young female standing there, clutching her bag and looking a little worse for wear. It made sense. She’d seen her sister’s tests. They were hard.
“I should go,” she said and stood.
“You should talk to her. I mean it, Larissa. Come in,” Aggie added to the student, motioning with her hand. “That’s just my sister, so I can kick her out.”
Larissa laughed and said, “Good luck on the test. And don’t skip the review session before it. She basically gives the answers away there.”
“Hey, don’t reveal my secrets,” Aggie said with a laugh.
Larissa walked out of her sister’s office, leaving her to do her work, but she didn’t get far.
Her legs decided to fail on her, and she collapsed onto a chair by the elevators.
Students were in other chairs and on the small sofa, all talking about classes, parties, and other things undergraduates discussed with one another.
She could no longer relate, but as she looked around, she remembered that she was technically still a student at this university.
Yes, she was in a Ph.D. program, but still a student all the same.
She needed to finally not be a student. She needed to focus on and defend her dissertation, get the damn degree she’d been working toward for a decade, and have the career in academia she’d wanted since switching her focus from clinical work to that required of a future professor.
But that wasn’t why her legs had stopped working and had forced her to sit in this wobbly chair that looked about forty years old.
Her legs had stopped her from even getting into the elevator because that elevator would only take her down to the first floor, outside to the campus, where she’d walk to the green parking lot, where she had parked her car.
Her car would take her to the highway that would then take her home.
At home, her best friend would be waiting for her because they had an interview with another couple that night.
She would be sitting in a small conference room with Harlow and a couple who would tell them their love story.
She would take notes. Harlow would ask questions.
Larissa had no idea what would happen after that, though.
Maybe they’d have dinner at home. They might choose to go out for dinner.
Or, maybe Harlow wouldn’t want dinner with her at all.
Harlow could want to go out with Alicia or just out on her own.
She had done that a few times lately. Maybe Aggie was right; maybe Harlow was moving on.
Not from her, of course, but from Alicia.
She’d told Larissa that they’d talked about some stuff, and she had gotten more closure than she had initially.
It was possible Harlow only needed that closure to decide that she was ready to be with someone else.
It was also possible that Larissa was being ridiculous right now, so she shook her head, remembering that Harlow had always been honest with her about everything.
Harlow was also obviously the braver of the two of them and would have told Larissa how she felt had she been in love with her.
After all, if Harlow had been into her in any way since the beginning, why wouldn’t she have said something from the start?
Aggie’s argument about Harlow thinking that she might not deserve her or that she didn’t want to risk their friendship might have applied to today or even a few years ago, but not when they’d first met.
On top of that, Larissa knew it was the reverse.
She didn’t deserve Harlow, not the other way around.
Harlow was the best, and she deserved the best, not a thirty-five-year-old student who worked part-time at a bookstore and let her parents pay for most of the stuff she had because it was easier.
Harlow deserved a better best friend than that.
Hell, Larissa couldn’t even make them pasta or tighten her own glasses. Harlow had to do that.
“God, what is wrong with me?”
Four students sitting in the space nearby turned to her at the same time.
“Sorry,” she said when she realized that she must have said that out loud. “Sorry,” she repeated and stood, praying her legs would support her this time.
She went to the elevator, pressed the call button, and waited for it to arrive so she could start her journey home.