50. Chapter 50
Chapter fifty
Benjamin
“ F ine. Out with it.” Frankie’s arms recrossed over her chest. Standing there with her hip popped, Benjamin knew he had a limited amount of time. Perfect; he could work with a ticking clock because, if nothing else, she was listening.
“Sharing your—for lack of a better term—origin story made me see how unbelievably strong you are. You were dealt an awful hand early on. Juggled from one home to another, landing in a hellhole with the devil’s minions to watch over you. And after all that, you maintained your empathy. There isn’t a hint of bitterness, nothing that leads me to believe you would trade your situation for anyone else’s. Instead, you plan to use your experiences to help others in similar scenarios. You, Francesca, are going out of your way to make the world a better place, and there is no limit to the impact you’ll be able to make in the lives of so many children.”
She squirmed uncomfortably and chewed on her bottom lip as though the analysis of her struck a tender chord. She cleared her throat. “We can’t all be saints.”
Her quip held no mirth and perhaps a touch of judgment.
Judgment that matched what he’d been directing at himself since he left her hotel room last December. The self-criticism only grew the more he compared what he’d contributed to versus what he’d received in return. The fact that he only backed off in family law once he knew there was something in it for him. And when Dean McCaffery finally bestowed the honor and job security that Benjamin had worked so hard for, the thought of accepting tenure had made his mouth taste like ash.
Dry and foul and bitter.
“No, you’re right. Some of us will work the rest of our lives in an effort to make up for the havoc and injustice we’ve caused and never be able to offset our past choices.” His heart grew heavy with regret and shame, and part of him hoped he’d never become so complacent that he’d forget the sensation. “I was offered tenure—”
“How lovely for you,” she deadpanned.
“—then I walked out and never looked back. I’m tired of climbing on the backs of others in a quest for my own prestige. I played others like pawns in a game of chess, hoping I never got the rug pulled out from under me like my mother did when I was a kid. What I was doing felt wrong, and so I quit. I thought of you as I packed up my office. I conjured your bravery as I resigned. Considered your selfless efforts in forging my next path.”
“So what? You start your own business and I’m supposed to be impressed? It’s supposed to excuse away how you treated all those people?”
Her subtext screamed: How you treated me?
“No.” He took a step closer, ignoring his frozen toes and the chill he’d developed now that he wasn’t marching uphill. He considered throwing on his blazer but was afraid that if he took his eyes off her for a second, she’d be gone. “I can’t change the past. The only thing I can do is make amends going forward. And I didn’t leave the university for you. Though you were my inspiration. I changed my trajectory because of you.
“Francesca, I cannot promise you that life will be perfect. Or that we wouldn’t fight. Or that my mind will ever change regarding marriage. But what I can promise you is that from here on out, I swear I will do nothing but try to be a better version of the man you once knew.”
Silence.
Absolute. Agonizing silence.
Until finally . . .
“How long did that little speech take you to prepare?” Her eyes were as flat as her expression. “A few days or the last half hour of the drive over?”
“I was a litigator before I became a professor,” he said as he chuckled and shrugged. “Old habits of grandstanding die hard.”
“It’s scripted,” she huffed, finally allowing emotion to trickle into her response. “I don’t want some bullshit, carefully constructed speech that sounds like it came from AI software. It’s not real. It’s manufactured. You spend so much of your time meticulously organizing your thoughts that they never contain what’s most important.”
“And what’s that?”
“You! Benji. Don’t you get exhausted being this haughty, emotionless, never-swears robot? Can’t you just for once let loose and show the real you?” Frustration vibrated through her body, causing her to shiver in a way that begged Benajmin to hold her.
“I can try.” He shrugged.
“Then do it again.”
“What?”
“Rewind. Make your declaration, and this time,” she pleaded, “don’t hold back.”
He dragged in a breath and looked beyond Francesca to the sunlight glittering off the packed snow. The last time he’d been here with her, he’d felt the most terrifying fear of his life. He’d acted then without thought or concern for how he might sound or be perceived, and nothing bad had come of it. In fact, he ended up making a connection with her, one he’d never anticipated could happen. She was asking for the unfiltered version of him again.
Was that the key to successful relationships?
Being vulnerable?
Allowing oneself to be seen as exactly who they are and no less?
The notion was terrifying, but as he looked into Francesca’s flickering amber eyes, so full of hope and caution, he knew.
“Francesca, I . . .” Words caught in his throat just as tears pricked the corners of his eyes. “ Fuck , I don’t think I know how to do this.”
“Then don’t. Think, I mean. Just talk.”
“I’ve spent every day since my parents’ divorce erecting this shield. I was determined to never end up like my mother. Anything that could be considered weak went out the window. Emotions. Slacking on anything. Any kind of vulnerability.
“In all those years, Johnny had been the only one to pry anything out of me, and that’s only because he allowed me to see him first. I was there with him when he got the call about your father’s cancer diagnosis.”
Francesca’s throat bobbed as she swallowed. Benjamin desperately wanted to wrap her in his arms and hold tight, but he had to get this off his chest.
“I’d never seen a man break down like he had. He sobbed and sobbed, and at first, I had no clue what to do about it. Until suddenly, some long-buried instinct jumped up to the surface and told me to hug him. I sat there, holding my friend—my brother —while he cried in a way that I’d never done. Was never brave enough to allow myself to do.
“Johnny was the first emotional connection I had since I was twelve years old, and I clung to him. But when he moved back home and I stayed in Seattle where my life was just starting to take off . . . I don’t know . . . it’s like the fire he sparked in me faded. Like it became folklore of a time that existed long ago. I know that makes no sense.”
Francesca shrugged and dashed away a tear as it slipped over her bottom lashes. “It makes some sense.”
Benjamin smiled weakly and continued. “And then you sauntered into my lecture hall and turned my world upside down. Francesca, you made my world explode with emotions and disorder and vibrancy. You live in a way that is so unapologetically authentic and I hate that I tried to snuff that brightness out. I am so sorry for how I treated you, not only as a professor, but as a lover. I was callous and malicious and I am so fucking sorry. I don’t deserve your forgiveness—”
“But you have it anyway,” she said simply.
“What?”
“I forgive you.”
“Just like that?”
“Yes.”
“But why?” There was no way it could be that easy. Benjamin had only begun to grovel.
“Haven’t we been over this before? Because you mean it. What you’re saying is real .”
Benjamin’s chest split wide from the way his heart swelled. He pulled Francesca into his arms and hugged her tightly. His hand swept into her hair, and he inhaled the lavender and eucalyptus scent he’d been longing to smell for months. She pushed slightly back from him and looked up then spotted the developing bruise on his jaw. Her eyebrow quirked as she tried to contain her humor.
“Who beat me to the punch?” She removed her glove and gently trailed a warm finger along the angry splotch. The heat was exquisite despite the tenderness of the raised lump.
“Oh, I’m sure you have an idea.”
“Miguel?” she teased.
“No, though I doubt he would have stopped at one.”
“Lucy?”
“No, but she definitely would have been the one to deliver the hit if she’d been there.”
“What did you say to my brother? He’s protective but not the punching type.”
“I told him what I did to you.”
Eyes flying wide, Francesca gasped. “In the cabin? Jesus, I’m surprised he didn’t run you through with a ski pole!”
“No, no,” he soothed, shaking his head and chaffing her arms, partially trying to calm her but also aiming to regain feeling in his chilly fingers. “I did tell him we slept together, but it was more about me leaving and not contacting you again. And, I guess, that I slept with his little sister.”
“Are things tense with you and Jon now?” She winced.
He allowed a husky rumble to slide from his lips while attempting to swallow the emotional lump that remained in his throat. Was it really that easy? Was she really going to put aside her hurt and forgive him for being cruel and dismissive? It was the last thing he deserved, but that didn’t mean he didn’t hope.
“Things might be weird for a short time, but I think hitting me vented most of his anger. He’s the one who told me where to find you and lent me the gear. And this sweet beanie.”
Swatting at the poof sitting limply at the top of the hat, she grinned.
“So what comes next?”
“Well, that’s the thing. Now that I run my own law firm, I can technically work from anywhere. I’m licensed in Washington state, so I can settle down wherever. Seattle, Wenatchee, Leavenworth. There will be work regardless of where I go. For now, I plan to stay in Seattle to be near my . . .” He gestured to her, not sure yet what he should refer to her as. “I figure we can take it day by day from there.”
Smiling, she leaned closer. Benjamin shuddered at her warm breath on his lips.
“I meant . . . now . What should we do right now?” The molten amber of desire swirled in her eyes. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness, not that easily. He deserved to suffer, to wait out in agony for weeks before she decided to put him out of his misery. Yet there she was, welcoming him with open arms, just like that. He vowed then and there to be everything she deserved.
He lowered his lips to hers, slanting over the plump heat of her mouth. God, that sweet taste of her solidified everything for him. She was where he belonged. She made him better, made him want to be better. And the least he could do was be everything she needed, happily, for as long as she wanted.