Chapter 29 Lauren
Lauren
The throbbing in Lauren’s arm was relentless as she tried to cling to sleep. She stretched, and the dull pain flashed white-hot.
“Ahh.”
Zach was standing over her in an instant. “What’s wrong?”
Lauren blinked her heavy eyelids. She’d fallen asleep on the couch, and the lamp on the end table cast a dim glow in the living room. “Zach?”
“Do you need medicine or something?” he asked.
Her hand rose to the pain in her arm. The fall. The hospital. Zach’s protective instincts putting on a show. It all came back to her in an instant.
She sat up on the couch and rubbed her eyes. “They gave me medicine at the hospital.”
“Is it time for another dose?”
She reached for her phone on the end table. “It’s two in the morning.”
And Zach was still at her house. She’d fallen asleep watching TV, but Zach didn’t look like he’d just woken up.
Zach pushed his hand through his hair. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Oh no. The exhaustion, pain, and Zach’s sweetness were swirling together, leaving her emotions raw and thin. “You didn’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
He left the room without a word. Lauren squirmed in her seat. She’d hoped to go on a date and push the nagging feelings for Zach to the back of her mind, but now he was taking care of her. How was she supposed to ignore him when he was being so nice?
Zach returned with a glass of water and set it on the end table beside her. “How are you feeling?”
There it was again. The man who’d lived his entire life chasing his own desires was focusing all of his attention on her. “I’m fine. Really.” She chuckled. “You warned me that dating was dangerous.”
Instead of the smile she’d expected, Zach’s features remained unreadable as he sat on the couch beside her, closer than usual. “I don’t want to be right about that when you’re determined to go out with someone.”
The hurt in his voice gripped her in the chest. She’d meant to keep distance between them, but maybe she’d discouraged him by living her life as if something special wasn’t growing between them.
She wasn’t ready to give in to that pull, but maybe dating while Zach was still figuring things out showed him she didn’t believe in him.
Lauren swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone on the date. I knew it wasn’t going to work out, and I was trying to force it.”
There were other things in her life she was trying to force, but she was learning to push slowly. Having Zach around made her realize how much trauma she’d repressed without dealing with it. Telling herself she was over it only left the wounds open.
She was in her thirties and nothing in her life was settled. She had a job but not a career. She had a house but no one to share it with. She had a desire to help people through difficult times, but she couldn’t get over her own hurdles.
She turned to face Zach on the couch. “Did you ever think you’d be here?”
“What, in your house? Absolutely not.”
“That’s not what I mean. How old are you?”
“Thirty-two last I checked.”
“I always thought by now I’d be working at a job I loved and coming home to a loving family in the afternoon. I thought I’d be making dinner for four with a dog at my feet.” Lauren rested her eyes. “I feel like a failure.”
Zach shrugged. “I thought I’d be dead before thirty.”
She sat up straighter, pulling at the stitches in her arm. “What? That’s so morbid.”
“It’s the truth. My dad didn’t make it past thirty-seven, and I thought I’d be like him. Except, I didn’t want to wait that long. He was miserable for years before he did himself in.”
She couldn’t breathe. His dad had overdosed on who knows what drug, and Zach believed that was his fate? A ghost of grief hit her without warning. He was fine, sitting right in front of her, but he thought his life was disposable.
She’d wanted him to trust her, and there was something about the quiet hours past midnight that gave secrets free rein. They slipped through the bars of their prison and slid into the room with them. Now that they were out, what were they supposed to do with them?
He’d given her a weapon. Not something to use against him, but a tool she could use to help him. She could fight his battles beside him now that she knew what they were up against.
“Zach, why would you think your life isn’t important?”
“Because it’s not. I haven’t done a single good thing. All I’m good for is making others miserable.”
She leaned forward. “That’s not true.”
“Give it up, angel. I know who I am. I’m the guy everyone wishes would go away. I’m dirt.”
“You’re not. Every person is special.”
“Says who?” Zach asked.
“We’re God’s children. We have the choice to love Him back, but He already loves us.”
He shifted in his seat, avoiding her gaze. “Yeah, if God’s so good, why hasn’t He been good to me? It’s hard to see how awesome He is when I got the short end of the stick.”
“Have you given Him any respect? No offense, but you’ve lived a lawless life. I’m one-hundred-percent behind you as you go forward, but there’s no denying you’ve lived for yourself in the past. Have you realized that you’re not the Almighty?”
Zach jerked back. “Wow. Don’t pull your punches.”
“Come on. I can be straightforward with you, right? You told me once that you think there probably is a God. If you do believe and humble yourself, it changes the way you see God. To be honest, that’s the only thing that needs to change.
God already knows you and loves you, flaws and all.
All He wants is our belief and obedience. ”
“Obedience,” Zach said slowly.
“I know that’s been tough for you too. You don’t like being told what to do.”
“You think?” he asked, playful despite the serious subject.
Lauren reached for his hand, ignoring the twinge in her shoulder.
“You could be the salt of the earth. A light on a hill. God gave you the freedom to choose your path because love isn’t true unless it’s given freely.
Choose Him. Choose to grab onto that happiness and take it, along with everything that comes with it.
You want to be free? You’ll never be free until you believe that Jesus sacrificed Himself for you.
You’ll never be free until you humble yourself and willingly take up your cross and follow Him.
Nothing can stand against you as long as He is with you. ”
Zach didn’t push her hand away, but he remained still for long seconds.
If he didn’t say something soon, she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen.
She’d been tiptoeing around the subject for so long, and while she didn’t want to push him too much, he’d given her signs lately that he was ready to take a step.
He didn’t have to do anything. She just wanted a sign that he was listening and thinking about her words.
Finally, he squeezed her hand. “That makes sense.”
“It does? What part?” Color her shocked, but she hadn’t expected him to be quite so agreeable.
“All of it. It probably helps that you’re really passionate when you talk about God. And that you’re smarter than me. It makes me want to believe you.”
“Don’t believe me. Believe the promises He’s already given us. They’re written in the Bible, and all you have to do is reach out and grab them.”
Zach huffed and jerked his chin toward the Bible she kept on the end table. “I haven’t read a book since middle school, and you want me to jump into that?”
“Don’t be intimidated. You’re not meant to understand it all yet. I don’t even understand it all. What matters is that you’re learning and growing.”
Zach’s thumb moved slowly over the back of her hand. “I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.”
“We both have.” She focused on the gentle brush of the pad of his thumb on her skin. “I’ve been working on something, and I hope you’ll at least hear me out.”
“Oh, great. Your projects usually cause me a lot of grief.”
“This one is for you. Did you know Matt Benson is an ordained minister?”
Zach’s brows furrowed. “No, but that makes a lot of sense.”
“I’ve been talking to the Bensons about starting a church in Silver Falls. On the ranch, to be exact.”
Zach straightened his shoulders. “A church?”
“Did you know that everyone who works on the ranch has a criminal record? Everyone except Tammy.”
“You can’t tell me Bella has a rap sheet.”
“She does. Actually, Travis doesn’t. It’s hard to believe those good people once broke the law and served time for it. Asa’s wife has a rough history too. He even arrested her once before they knew each other.”
Zach’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. She turned her life around so completely that it’s almost impossible to believe she almost died of a drug overdose.
It wasn’t easy. She’s told me about some of the things she had to go through.
It’s one of the reasons I know that no one is too far gone to be redeemed.
That’s in the Bible too, in case you wanted to know. ”
Zach’s chin was tilted down as he watched their hands move slowly together. “What does that have to do with a church?”
“All of those people have struggled to step into a church building. I can imagine you don’t like the idea of being looked at, and if that’s the thing that’s keeping you back, I want to erase it.”
“That’s part of it. Mostly I think I don’t belong there.”
“But would you feel like you belong in Matt and Tammy’s living room?
Did you know that the church building isn’t the church?
The church is the people. All of us together.
We are the body of Christ on this earth.
We’re the hands and feet of Jesus every time we help our neighbor or pray for a friend.
The Bible tells us that where two or more are gathered in God’s name, He will be there.
Maybe one day you’ll feel comfortable going to a church in town, but I don’t want that to stop you from learning about God. ”
Zach gave a small nod but didn’t look up at her. “Okay. I think I could do that.”
She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak for a few seconds while the pounding of her heart roared in her ears. “What?”
“I’ll go. To Matt and Tammy’s. As long as someone will walk me through it and…start small.”
Lauren launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he caught her against his chest. The pulling in her arm was white-hot, but the joy in her heart burned hotter.
“Easy, angel. Don’t hurt yourself,” Zach said as his arms settled around her.
“You won’t regret this. We’re going to have so much fun,” she said as she nuzzled against his neck.
“You know we’re talking about church, right?” Zach asked, still holding her tight.
If it were up to her, they would stay like this. Her basking in the joy of his trust and him stepping out on faith and trying something new. They’d been through so much, together and apart.
Zach pulled back and brushed her hair away from her face. “You need to go to bed.”
Lauren sat back, knowing how easy it would be to lean in right now. “You’re right. You should get some sleep too.”
He stood, stretching his arms above his head. His arms and shoulders strained against the fabric of his shirt. “What can I get you before I go?”
Good grief. How was she supposed to resist him when he was being sweet and attentive? “I’m fine, but thanks for being here tonight. It was nice to not be alone.”
That was the difference. She had plenty of friends, but she’d closed herself off for years, obsessing over things she couldn’t control. With Zach here, she felt safe and seen for the first time, and she didn’t want him to leave.