Kate
I watch Odessa with bittersweet nostalgia hung in my throat.
Seems like it was yesterday when she was tucked safely in a baby carrier strapped to my chest while Jackson and I rode.
Today she’s riding one of Jackson’s geldings with the seat and technique of someone who’s been working with horses for years, plaited hair bouncing on her back with each step down the narrow, rocky trail back to the ranch.
“You’re a natural,” I say.
She grins over her shoulder. “That’s what Daddy always says.”
“Well, he’s right. And that’s a big compliment coming from someone with as much talent as he has.
” I fidget with the reins, staring past her at the house in the distance.
There’s no telling whether Jackson will ever get back to being one of the best horse trainers around.
People from all over the province sought him out. And now…
“One day I’m gonna train horses just like him,” Odessa says.
“That’s a great pl—”
“Or I’ll be a cat rescue person.”
I laugh, remembering Austin’s exasperation over the thought of Odessa turning the ranch into a cat sanctuary. “You can always be both.”
With a thoughtful nod, she pinches her lips together. “Is Daddy still gonna get me a horse?”
All the emotion in my throat binds together in a hard-to-swallow mass. “Oh…well…yeah. Yeah, we’ll make sure you get a horse, baby. Right now, he just…”
Doesn’t want to leave bed. Barely wants to interact with the kids.
It’s been a month since his accident, and though I know recovery from a traumatic brain injury is a slow process, it’s hard not to feel frustrated watching him refuse to leave the bedroom for days on end. I can’t bear to think this might be our new normal.
Her shoulder lifts half-heartedly. “I guess it’s okay if I get my horse after my birthday.”
We round the corner of an outbuilding, and the main barn comes into view.
It’s a large white building, desperately in need of a good cleaning and some fresh paint after a long winter.
In the distance, smoke from the wood-burning fireplace in our house curls up through the spring air, obscuring the gently swaying treetops and the mountain range beyond that.
“Thank you for being patient about the horse thing,” I say to Odessa as I climb out of the saddle. I haven’t been horseback riding in a while, and I feel it in every muscle. “In the meantime, we could get some more riding in with these two. I had a lot of fun today.”
“Maybe next time you’ll beat me in the race across the field….” Her boots hit the ground with a heavy thunk, and she ducks under the gelding’s neck to smirk at me. “Probably not though.”
“Oh, it’s on, little miss.”
Saddle tucked against my side, I stroll past her, stopping briefly to smooth my free hand over the choppy bits of hair sticking out of her braid.
My heart pounds when I step into the barn, the smell of hay and horsehair and dust lodging in my throat.
I don’t dare glance toward the far stall.
Not sure I’ll ever be able to without reliving every second of that day.
“How was the ride?” Red’s voice yanks me away from the edge of spiraling.
“Good.” I sigh, tossing my saddle onto the rack.
“Bet getting some time away felt good.”
With a breathy laugh, I say, “Yeah, the fresh air was nice.”
Riding with Odessa, just the two of us, had felt good—better than I wanted to admit. She yammered on about school and plans for her birthday party, taking up space and not giving my brain the chance to wander. For the first time since the accident, my mind rested—actually rested.
And yet, guilt gnaws at me, knowing Jackson’s ensconced himself in our bedroom, lying sick and heavy and alone in our bed.
It feels wrong to be in the sunlight, laughing and chatting with Odessa, acting like everything is fine.
What kind of wife takes off riding while her husband battles demons a few hundred yards away?
Red follows me back outside and grabs the saddle that Odessa’s struggling to pull off her horse.
“Mom tried to race me and lost,” Odessa says proudly.
“Did you cheat like you did that time me and you raced?” Red raises a brow.
She huffs, indignant. “Going through the creek instead of taking the bridge isn’t cheating.”
“It is when we agreed the bridge was part of the racecourse.” He laughs, shaking his head, then turns to me and gestures to the gelding I was riding. “I was going to trim this one’s hooves, so I’ll put them away for you guys.”
He doesn’t mention that it’s Jackson’s horse, and Jackson should be the one taking care of it, since Red has about ten of his own to deal with. But I thank him with a soft smile I hope expresses all the gratitude I can’t speak yet.
Odessa utters a hurried thanks over her shoulder before taking off down the gravel driveway, skipping and humming to herself. She needed the break, too, and that helps ease my guilty conscience.
I saunter behind Odessa, eyes set on the house and the way it seems to be tugging at me, drawing me back in.
It’s not that I don’t want to be there, or be with Jackson, because I do.
My entire body physically aches when I’m away from him, but a small, selfish part of me wants more of the carefree bubble Odessa and I were in on the mountain.
“Hey,” I call ahead to get her attention. “Want to make beaded bracelets when we go inside? We haven’t done that in a long time.”
She beams back at me. “Okay!”
I’m careful with the front door, gingerly closing it with a soft click rather than letting it swing shut.
Using the side of my foot, I hold down the heel of my other boot and wiggle my foot out of it, watching in my periphery as Odessa does the same.
We’re both silent, walking on eggshells, knowing Jackson is likely in bed.
If this is our new normal, I’m not sure how we’ll survive it, to be honest.
The kitchen greets us with the scent of freshly baked cookies, and the mess around Rhett’s mouth when he grins at us over a large glass of milk tells me they’re chocolate chip.
Odessa roots around in the bottom cupboard of the china cabinet for her bracelet-making kit, then flops down into her chair at the table as if she’s come in from a long day of working cattle.
Beryl’s quick to sidle up to her, cookies and milk in hand.
I steal a bite from one of Rhett’s cookies—no preschooler needs a stack of five cookies all to himself—and tousle his hair. “Hey, bud, we’re going to make bracelets, if you want to join us.”
He mumbles something incoherent around the cookie crammed in his mouth, but quickly slides off his seat to move closer to his sister.
And it’s evident that horseback ride did good things for Odessa, because she doesn’t make a single snarky comment about his grubby fingers reaching into her bucket of multicolored beads.
Once I have a fresh cup of coffee in hand, I sit across from them at the table and cut a piece of elastic cord for his tiny wrist.
“I’m making one for Daddy,” Odessa says, eyeballing the length of elastic held between the sharp points of her scissors. “Do you think this is long enough?”
I reach for the clear strand, looping it and trying to imagine his wrist. The way it felt with my hand wrapped around it when I held on to him for dear life in the hospital. With a gulp, I nod and hand it back.
Without missing a beat, she begins recounting our race to Beryl and Rhett, adding her fair share of embellishments. Her laughter fills the air, and though I know there’s a good chance it’s bothering Jackson, I don’t stop her or ask her to tone it down. This all feels too good to stop.
Rhett dumps beads across the table, sending them scattering across the wooden top. “I’m making a Spider-Man bracelet.”
“Okay, so you need red and blue?” I confirm because, honestly, who knows with him. He could suddenly decide he needs purple and green because he’s going for Green Goblin instead.
“Lots of red.” His chubby fingers pick out all the reds within his arm’s reach.
“That’s going to be a cool bracelet.” I give him an impressed nod. “Maybe I should make one, too.”
“Mommy, you should make a rainbow one.” With his free hand, he shoves all but the red beads in my direction.
“A rainbow missing red.” Beryl chuckles.
My sweet, gentle boy, who is so much like his dad it makes my heart ache, slides three reds across to me.
I work on my bracelet, listening to Rhett talk about Spider-Man, while keeping a close eye on Odessa in my periphery. For a kid who almost never stops talking, she’s uncharacteristically quiet and intensely focused on the pink bracelet she’s making for Jackson.
Once she’s satisfied, she fidgets with the loose ends, tying knots that keep coming loose.
“Here, Dess.” I hold a hand out. “Let me show you a trick.”
Her small hand slips the bracelet into mine, and I pinch the elastic between my fingers, looping it carefully and tying it with the same knot my mom once showed me when I was a little girl. Odessa leans in close, quietly observing and learning.
“There.” I tug the ends to prove the knot will hold. “Now it won’t come apart.”
Odessa’s whole face lights up. “Can we give it to Daddy now?”
Her excitement is contagious. I feel it too, thrumming under my ribs. But it’s woven tight with nerves. I sip my coffee, stalling, before finally nodding.
“I want to come,” Rhett says, immediately abandoning his own bracelet.
“No. Just me and Mom.”
“Stay here, bud. Finish making your bracelet with Gran,” I reassure him. “We’ll be right back.”
We leave behind the laughter and lightness of the kitchen, but I watch the bounce in Odessa’s step and the way she’s cradling the pink bracelet in her hands like it’s made of glass, and I’m determined not to let the heaviness of our circumstances fully settle over me. Not today.
Where I usually hesitate, Odessa throws open the bedroom door. Despite it being mid-afternoon, the room is nearly black, and Odessa doesn’t think twice before flicking the light switch.
Jackson’s arm flops across his face, shielding his eyes.
Odessa climbs onto the bed next to him. “Hi, Daddy.”
His voice is rough when he answers, but there’s warmth in it. “Hey.”
He lifts his arm, blinking against the harsh overhead light, and his eyes meet mine as he shuffles to a seated position.
“How are you feeling? Need anything?” I ask as I settle in next to Odessa, and my hand falls to rest on the blankets covering his legs.
“No, thanks.” He gestures to the bedside table, where the water and food I left him before we went out riding is still sitting untouched.
“Jackson, you need to eat something.”
“You’re a bully,” he says with an exasperated exhale.
But he plucks a couple green grapes from the plate and pops them into his mouth.
After spending an hour on the back of a horse with my girl by my side, I’m feeling more than ready to sit here and force him to eat every piece of food on that plate, if that’s what I need to do.
Odessa waits for him to finish chewing, then holds out the bracelet. “I made this for you.”
Jackson’s hand trembles slightly as he takes it, turning the string of pink beads over in his palm. Slowly, he slips it onto his wrist. The elastic stretches, then settles snug against his skin. “It’s really pretty. Thanks.”
Odessa beams, satisfied, and moves to curl against his side. “Now you’ll think of me all the time,” she says simply.
Jackson tilts his head to look at her, then glances at me, and for a heartbeat I see something there—a flicker of the man I fell in love with. He whispers, “I always do.”