Fourteen
fourteen
THE BAD TOUCH - BLOODHOUND GANG
OWEN - MAY 24, 2013
I get home from my disaster of a date with Heather and toss my keys on the counter, frustration coursing through me. Alright, maybe it wasn’t a complete disaster, but it sure wasn’t good either. No spark, no real connection—just a reminder of how complicated dating can be. I shrug off my jacket and slump onto the couch, pulling out my phone, the quiet of the apartment settling around me like a weight.
Out of boredom and curiosity, I decide to scroll through the dating app I had downloaded a while back. At this point, it can’t get any worse, right? Faces blur together as I swipe, not expecting anything interesting—until I see her. Dark hair, striking green eyes, and a username that jumps out at me: ChaosCallie. Something about her stops me mid-swipe. She looks familiar, though I can’t quite place why.
Intrigued, I click on her profile. Her headline makes me chuckle :
Not looking for another Baby Daddy. I already have one that I can’t stand.
I smile. At least she’s got a sense of humor. As I read further, I learn her name is Callie—figures, given her username—and that she’s nine years younger than me. Normally, I’d steer clear of that much of an age gap, but there’s something about her that feels different.
Her bio is refreshingly honest, filled with lighthearted sarcasm. She’s a mom to a little girl, and she’s pregnant. That part makes me huff out a laugh. I can already hear Luke in my head: Well, at least you can’t get her more pregnant. Her mention of Maury and her baby daddy issues nearly has me in stitches. I keep scrolling, learning more about her. She’s fun, she’s real, and she loves coffee and reading—definite pluses in my book.
As I look at her profile picture again, her eyes draw me in. I swear I’ve met her before, or at least seen her somewhere. I can’t shake the feeling, so I decide to send her a message, my curiosity getting the better of me.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
What are your five favorite music artists? And yes, I will be judging you based on your answer.
I hit send and lean back, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. I can’t seem to sit still so I wander into the kitchen, and pour myself a glass of whiskey. The apartment feels a little less lonely somehow. I go back to her profile and look at her pictures again. She is stunning, and I’m having a hell of a time placing where I’ve seen her before. Because I’m certain that I have.
I’m a little surprised when I receive a message back from her relatively quickly. Especially because it’s so late. I guess I’m not the only one in need of some entertainment.
ChaosCallie:
That’s a tough one!
I guess I’ll have to go with… Nirvana, Halestorm, Acceptance, Paramore, and Staind. Judge your pretty little heart out.
A smile spreads across my face. It’s refreshing to see someone with some alt/rock taste instead of fucking country music which I cannot stand. I can only take so many versions of songs about someone’s dog dying. Yes, I’m a hater. I know.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Aww! So, you think I’m pretty? Those are pretty solid choices. Nirvana though… were you even born yet when Kurt Cobain was still alive?
I take a sip of my drink, savoring the warmth it brings. Her response comes quickly, making me chuckle.
ChaosCallie:
Very funny, old timer! Yes, I was. Granted… I was just shy of four-years-old when he died but I mean… I was alive.
I grin, appreciating her quick wit. She’s intriguing, I’ll give her that.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Fair enough, young grasshopper. My name is Owen, by the way.
ChaosCallie:
I know, I read your profile, silly. But I appreciate the introduction. It’s nice to meet you, Owen. I’m glad you feel my answer is worthy of being told your first name.
Oh, I definitely like this girl already. It’s one thing to be able to have a conversation with people and not get bored to death but I love it when a woman can keep me on my toes and isn’t afraid of a little friendly back and forth.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
I have to say, based on your answers though, I’m guessing you’re one of those former emo kids that hated very specific bands because they were “too mainstream,” and/or “sold out.”
ChaosCallie:
First of all – there’s no such thing as a “former emo kid.” I’ve simply morphed into an Elder Emo.
And listen, you don’t have to call me out. My hatred for The White Stripes and The Killers is warranted.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
The White Stripes and The Killers are actually good though!
But you didn’t say Nickelback was one of your favorites. So I’ll give you a pass.
ChaosCallie:
…
Lord, help me. If there’s one thing that annoys me more than country music, it’s Nickelback. I can’t resist giving her shit for it at this point.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
OMG! You like Nickelback?!
ChaosCallie:
I plead the fifth.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Lying by omission! Forget my name. I’m revoking your right to know it!
ChaosCallie:
Listen here, Gramps! You said you were going to judge me based on my Top 5. You can’t bend the rules now.
Besides, now it’s your turn! Let me guess, Frank Sanatra, Elvis, The Beatles, and…?
I chuckle, enjoying the playful banter. I’m guessing that she hasn’t heard of most of the music that I listen to. It’s not even necessarily that she’s younger than me either. My taste is a bit unconventional, but it’s mine.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Hey! Put the claws away there, Calico Cat. I’m not that old. But if you want a lesson in good music, it’s gotta be Cake, E-40, The Flaming Lips, Bloodhound Gang, and Dr. Dre.
ChaosCallie:
Well… I honestly don’t know because I’ve only heard songs by two of those artists but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I laugh, taking another sip of my whiskey. It’s nice to talk to someone who has a different perspective on music instead of just hearing the same regurgitated bands mentioned over and over again.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
I’m not surprised. I worked at a music store for a few years in Cedar Bluff so I got to listen to a lot of cool alternative stuff other people hadn’t heard of.
ChaosCallie:
And don’t forget Bloodhound Gang. Haha! I don’t think that I’ve ever met someone who has listed them as a favorite band. Let me guess, you also like to watch The Discovery Channel?
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
I mean… I don’t dislike it. LOL! What are you up to tonight?
ChaosCallie:
Sitting in New Orleans with my older sister. She insisted that I get on this freaking app just to see how many terrible pickup lines popped into my inbox.
I get up and stretch, feeling a bit restless. I head to the kitchen to refill my drink, the conversation with Callie making me feel more energized.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
And… What’s the verdict?
ChaosCallie:
Out of 12 messages I looked at, I had six bad pickup lines, three “hey”/”hey girl”, one “wanna fuck?” and an “I’ll make you forget your Baby Daddy.”
I wince at the thought of those messages. Even in my hoe-phase, I didn’t see the point of talking to women like that. Dating apps can be brutal.
Sometimes, the women on the app are just as thirsty for attention as the men. Although, I’m certain that the women get bombarded way more frequently with unsolicited sexts than the men do. I only ran into that a couple of times.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
YIKES.
ChaosCallie:
Tell me about it! It’s hard out here for a pimp.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Haha! Sounds like it. So why the trip to New Orleans? I’ve always wanted to go but never really had a reason to.
I sit back down on the couch, feeling more relaxed. Talking with her is already making the evening a lot more enjoyable than the date I had earlier tonight.
ChaosCallie:
My step mom is from here. She and my dad moved down here from Iowa a few years ago. I needed a change of scenery so my sister and I came down for a visit.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Fair enough. So do you usually do the tourist stuff when you’re down there or have you been to Cafe du Monde enough times that you don’t get the hype for beignets anymore?
ChaosCallie:
Excuse me, sir. But beignets will ALWAYS be worthy of the hype.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
I guess you’ll just have to bring me some.
ChaosCallie:
Haha! I guess so. Or you need to take a vacation and come get some yourself.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Vacation time is hard to come by for me. I just finished my apprenticeship though so I’m hoping that I will be able to take my son on a fun trip soon.
I lean back and think about Barrett, smiling at the thought of taking him on a trip.
ChaosCallie:
I bet he would love that. How old is your son?
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
He’s three. Boys are a lot of fun. I saw on your profile that you have a little girl and another kiddo on the way. Do you know what you are having yet?
ChaosCallie:
Not yet, I am supposed to find out after I get back from my trip next week.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
ChaosCallie:
Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve gone through a lot in this pregnancy already so as bland of an answer as this is, I really just want the baby to be healthy.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
I wouldn’t say that is a bland answer. Seems pretty straightforward to me.
ChaosCallie:
I guess for the sake of timing, I would say it would be easier for me to have a girl because I still have most of the things I need because my daughter Sara isn’t quite a year old yet. If I’m having a boy, I do have some stuff that I could still use like a camouflage crib set.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
You…. have a camo crib set…? That’s…
ChaosCallie:
AWFUL?! I know, but my soon-to-be ex-husband insisted.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
He sounds like a real tool, if you don’t mind me saying so.
ChaosCallie:
Nope, you’re spot on.
Hey, I’ve got to get to bed. Sara is an early riser and this app is draining my phone battery for some reason.
I get up from the couch and wander over to the window, looking out at the quiet street below. The light of the streetlamps casts a soft glow, and I feel a pang of disappointment that our conversation is ending so soon. I take another sip of my whisky and glance around my empty apartment when my phone pings again.
ChaosCallie:
If you’re not a total creep, you can text me tomorrow.
I chuckle at her bluntness and head back to the kitchen to rinse my glass. It’s been a while since I felt this kind of connection, even through a screen. I immediately add the phone number that she gave me into my contacts.
ThatPipeGuy3.14:
Sure, I can do that. Have a good night, Callie.
ChaosCallie:
Sweet dreams, Owen.
I put my phone down, feeling an unexpected anticipation for tomorrow. There’s something about Callie that makes me want to keep the conversation going. Her honesty, humor, and warmth have drawn me in like no one has in a long time. I glance at the clock, realizing how late it’s gotten, but the excitement buzzing in my chest makes it hard to settle down.
I lay back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, reflecting on the evening. The date with Heather felt forced and uncomfortable. There were no real sparks, just the awkward politeness of two people trying too hard to find a connection that wasn’t there. But with Callie… there was something genuine.
I pick up my phone again, reading back through our messages, smiling at her wit and openness. It’s in reading back the messages that I realize we didn’t even really get that “into the weeds,” with our conversation. Yet, I feel like at the very least, there’s potential for a friendship there.
Did I just fucking friendzone myself?
I look back at her profile one more time and realize that it would probably be difficult to find the time to meet her in person. Between Barrett and my job, I don’t really have time for much else.
Now I’m getting way ahead of myself.
For now, I need to take it slow, one step at a time. I stand up, stretch, and head to my bedroom. As I close my eyes, I think about Callie and her smile from her pictures that I can only imagine is even more infectious in person. I hope she actually responds when I text her tomorrow. With that thought, I finally drift off to sleep, feeling lighter than I have in a long time.