Fifty
fifty
BETTER TOGETHER - JACK JOHNSON
OWEN - AUGUST 2, 2013
I t’s been six days since that night with Callie, six days since I memorized every inch of her in a way that still leaves me breathless. The memory of her lingers—her warmth, the way she looked at me like I was her entire world. I can’t stop thinking about it, constantly replaying each moment in my mind.
But life doesn’t stop just because I can’t get her out of my head.
As I step out of the hospital, the late afternoon sun casts long shadows across the parking lot, the warmth on my skin doing little to ease the tension coiled tight in my chest. Two weeks. It’s been two long weeks since I last saw Barrett in person. FaceTime calls have been our lifeline, but they’re nothing compared to the feeling of holding him, hearing his laugh in person, or seeing the way his eyes light up when he talks about dinosaurs or trains. It’s the longest I’ve ever gone without being with him, and the hurt of missing him is a constant reminder of the downsides of co-parenting. Every day away from him feels like a day lost.
I drive toward Sabrina’s house and the familiar route seems longer than usual. My mind keeps wandering to Callie. The memory of her, so vivid and warm, lingers with me. I haven’t seen her since the night of the concert, and the hollow space inside me grows wider with every day that passes without her. I try to convince myself that this is just how things are right now—she’s busy with Sara, and I’ve got Barrett. But the longing, the need to be near her, doesn’t care about logistics. It gnaws at me, a constant, quiet hunger that I can’t shake.
When I finally pull up in front of Sabrina’s place, I take a deep breath, forcing myself to focus on the moment. I’m here for Barrett, and that’s what matters right now. But as soon as Sabrina opens the door, I can tell something’s off. The look in her eyes—a combination of curiosity, concern, and something else I can’t quite place—throws me off balance.
“When were you going to tell me that Barrett was going to be a big brother?” Sabrina’s voice is calm, but there’s an edge to it that cuts right through me. It’s a tone I’ve heard before, usually when something important is on the line.
My stomach drops. I knew this conversation was coming, but I thought I would be the one to bring it up, not the other way around. “He’s not, Sabrina. Not biologically,” I say, feeling the words lodge in my throat. “The woman I’m dating is pregnant, yes. But Callie was pregnant when I met her.”
The words hang in the air between us. I consider telling Sabrina more details, trying to help her understand. But there are certain things about Callie’s circumstances that aren’t my story to tell. Frankly, it’s not Sabrina’s business to know what my girlfriend has gone through.
Sabrina’s eyes narrow slightly, her posture shifting as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Sounds messy, Owen. You need to be careful. Especially with Barrett involved.”
I nod, her words weighing heavily on me. “I know,” I say, trying not to sound defensive. “I’m going to introduce Barrett to her tomorrow. I swear I wouldn’t do that if I weren’t sure about her. I need you to trust my judgment like I trusted yours when you met Alex.”
Sabrina’s expression softens just a bit, and she sighs. “Okay, Owen. I trust you,” she says finally, but I can tell from years of knowing her there is something else on her mind.
“Is there something else bothering you, Sabrina?” I pry.
She hesitates, and I feel anxiety start to creep in, wondering if something is wrong. “No, nothing bothering me,” she says. “I do need to talk to you about something else, but it’s good news. I got a call this morning that Barrett was accepted into the preschool program.”
Preschool. The word hangs in the air, surreal. It feels like just yesterday I was holding his tiny hands as he took his first steps, and now he’s already on the verge of classrooms and new friends. I’m so damn proud of him, but the thought of him growing up, of him needing me less, tugs at my heart.
“That’s great news… but I suppose that means we will have to revisit our visitation if he’s going to be attending preschool here, right? I won’t be able to drive him to preschool every morning from Mount Vernon.” My heart sinks further at the thought of losing time with my son. I knew this would happen eventually, but I’m not ready. I don’t know if I ever will be.
She nods, a worried expression across her face. “I know it’s hard. But we might need to figure out a different arrangement in a couple of months,” she says, her tone more thoughtful now. “With preschool starting soon, we might have to adjust from the one week on, one week off schedule.”
“We’ll figure it out,” I manage to say, my voice steady despite the storm of emotions inside me. Another thought occurs to me and I decide I might as well put everything out in the open. “While we are on the subject of change, my landlord gave me the official thirty-day notice a couple of days ago. Someone decided to lease my apartment long-term, so I’ll have to find another place to live.”
Sabrina raises an eyebrow. “Preschool, a pregnant girlfriend, and house hunting? That’s a lot to deal with all at once.”
“Tell me about it,” I say with a shrug. “But I’ll figure it out. I always do.”
The air between us is thick with unspoken words. I can feel the weight of everything hanging over us—our past, our son, the lives we’re building separately now. I clear my throat, trying to break the tension. “How was your vacation?” I ask, hoping to shift the conversation to something lighter.
“It went well,” she says, but there’s a hint of something in her voice that makes me look at her more closely. “Alex and I… we’re getting married.” She holds up her hand, and the sunlight catches on the ring, making it sparkle.
My stomach tightens at her words, and for a moment, I’m thrown off. It’s not that I didn’t see it coming, but the swiftness of it catches me off guard. Yet, who am I to judge? Being with Callie is the clearest thing I’ve felt in years. And if Sabrina’s found that with Alex, then I want that for her too.
“Congratulations, Sab. I’m glad you found someone that makes you happy. You deserve it.”
Sabrina smiles, and for the first time since I got here, it feels genuine. “Thanks, Owen. I’m happy for you too. I just worry about you.”
We stand there for a moment longer, the awkwardness slowly fading into something more familiar, more comfortable. Whatever’s ahead, I know we’ll figure it out—for Barrett’s sake, if nothing else. And tomorrow, when I introduce him to Callie, I’ll be one step closer to the future I’m starting to believe might actually work out.
Before the conversation can get any heavier, I hear the sound of small footsteps, and then I see Barrett. I crouch down just in time to catch him as he throws himself into my arms, almost knocking me over as the tightness in my chest finally loosens. All the stress, the worries about the future, melt away the second Barrett’s tiny arms wrap around my neck. This right here—this is all I need. The steady rhythm of his little heartbeat against me drowns out every doubt I’ve had today.
“Daddy!” he squeals, his excitement bubbling over. His little hands grip the fabric of my shirt, and I hold him close, inhaling the familiar scent of his watermelon shampoo.
“Hey, buddy,” I say, my voice rough with emotion. “I missed you so much.” I stay there, crouched on the ground, holding onto him like he’s my lifeline. Because, in so many ways, he is.
“I missed you too, Daddy!” he says, squeezing me as tight as he can.
After a few more minutes of hugs and a quick exchange with Sabrina about the essentials—extra clothes, snacks, Mr. Chompers, and his lions—I buckle Barrett into his car seat and start the drive home. But as I drive, the weight of everything that’s happened in the last few weeks settles on me. There’s so much up in the air right now—my living situation, navigating the distance and my relationship with Callie, and now, the need to adjust our co-parenting schedule.
I glance over at Barrett, snuggled up with his lions in his car seat. He’s already dozing off, his head leaning to one side, and my heart squeezes with love and worry. I need to figure things out, not just for me, but for him too. I’ve got less than thirty days to find a new place to live, and the pressure is almost suffocating with everything else going on.
On a whim, I decide to stop by the new townhouse apartments being built on the edge of town. I’ve seen the construction site a few times on my way to and from Cedar Bluff, and something about it calls to me now. Maybe it’s the need for a fresh start, or maybe it’s just the hope that something new might bring a little more stability into our lives.
When I arrive, I speak with the leasing agent and put my name on the waiting list. The townhouses aren’t scheduled to be completed until next year, but at least it’s a step forward. Still, reality hits me hard—I’m going to need to find another option in the meantime. The clock is ticking, and I can’t afford to be without a place for Barrett and me.
I drive away from the construction site as the sun begins to set, casting the world in shades of gold and orange. With Barrett snoozing peacefully beside me, I feel a fierce protectiveness settle in my chest. I’ll make this work—for him, for Callie, for this new life that I’m determined to build.
When I pull into the parking lot at my apartment complex, Barrett is still sound asleep in his car seat, his small chest rising and falling with each peaceful breath. I just sit there for a moment, watching him, feeling that familiar combination of overwhelming love and the bittersweet ache of knowing he’s growing up faster than I’d like.
I carefully unbuckle him, lifting him into my arms and trying not to wake him. As I carry him inside, his eyes flutter open, and he looks up at me with that sleepy, trusting gaze that never fails to melt my heart.
“Are we home, Daddy?” he murmurs, his voice thick with sleep.
“Yeah, buddy. We’re home.” I press a kiss to the top of his head, the scent of his watermelon-scented shampoo filling my senses. “How about we have some dinner, and I tell you a story before bedtime? I have a big day planned for us tomorrow.”
Barrett’s curiosity is piqued as I make one of his favorite dinners–grilled cheese and tomato soup. He watches me intently, his little legs swinging from the stool at the counter as I cook. I can see the little gears turning in his head.
“Where are we going tomorrow?” he asks as I place his dinner in front of him. He scoops the grilled cheese into the tomato soup and sloshes a bunch of it over the side of the bowl all over the counter, making me chuckle.
“Well,” I start, grabbing a napkin to wipe up the mess, “I thought we’d go visit a friend of mine. Her name is Callie, and she has a little girl named Sara who’s about a year and a half younger than you. They have a nice house with a backyard where you two can play.”
As I wipe up the rest of the spilled soup, I notice the way Barrett’s little hands try to mimic mine, his face scrunched in concentration as he uses his shirt sleeve to clean up a few new drops that landed in front of him. I chuckle as I give him a napkin, which he quickly tucks into his collar like a bib.
Barrett pauses mid-bite, looking up at me with wide, curious eyes. “Can we play on the swings?”
I grin, glad to see him so excited. “Maybe. We’ll see if there’s a park nearby. But I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun.”
Barrett’s questions continue one after another—this curiosity of his always reminds me of myself as a kid. Little moments like this hit me harder than he could ever know and remind me that I’ll never truly be ready for him to grow up .
“Is Callie nice?” he asks, as if he’s carefully weighing this new information.
“She’s very nice,” I say, nodding. “I think you’ll really like her and Sara. They’re fun to be around.”
Barrett’s face lights up with a smile, and he goes back to his dinner with renewed energy, as if the promise of tomorrow’s adventure has given him a second wind. “I can’t wait, Daddy! I’m gonna show Sara how fast I can run.”
“I’m sure she’ll be impressed,” I say, watching him with a mix of pride and affection. This is what it’s all about—seeing him excited, knowing that he’s going to have a good time, and feeling like we’re moving forward, step by step, toward something better.
As Barrett finishes up his dinner, I can tell his mind is already racing ahead to tomorrow. His little legs swing even faster from the stool, and he chatters on about all the things he wants to show Sara—how high he can jump, how he can make funny faces, and how he can do a somersault, which he promptly demonstrates right there in the kitchen, making me laugh.
“Careful, buddy,” I say, still smiling as I help him back onto the stool. “Save some of that energy for tomorrow.”
Barrett grins up at me, his eyes sparkling with excitement. “I will, Daddy. I promise.”
As I put him to bed for the night, I can’t shake the faint thread of nerves. Introducing Barrett to Callie represents a significant milestone in our relationship. I can only hope my instincts are correct and that this is the right move.