Chapter 15
CHAPTER 15
R en
I wake up feeling fucking happy. For the first time, a new day hits me without the emptiness that comes from my heart’s missing piece. I’m no longer pining for a woman who seemed lost to me forever because she’s right here. Today, I feel free.
I’m pretty sure it’s early morning, but I really have no clue. I don’t dare move for fear of waking Trix, who’s starfished on her stomach with one leg draped over my hip and an arm across my chest. Her hair is untidy and free, splayed out on the pillow, and her long lashes fan out over the tops of her cheeks. I could stare at her naked body forever, and there’s just enough light seeping through the blinds to bathe her in a pale glow.
Gazing at her, I feel a familiar sense that everything is right with the world—familiar, even though it was ten years earlier that I last felt this way. That feeling lulled me to sleep, despite the bombshell shoving its way back into my consciousness. One more minute to enjoy this please , I beg my own brain .
The last thing I remember is how good it felt when she curled her body into mine and drifted to sleep while I smoothed her hair.
The birds are awake, sitting in whatever types of trees flank my house, chirping their little hearts out about the dawn. Otherwise, the room is quiet and still, which allows me to think.
Preseason games begin in a few days, and we have an afternoon training session later. I need whatever mental energy I can muster to come up with a new form of pep talk that will inspire the guys to stop fucking around. We need to start playing like a team instead of a roster of superstars trying to hog the spotlight. I’ve said it a hundred times. Maybe it’s time to start saying something else.
Once my mind gets going, there’s no chance I’ll fall back asleep. Now that I’m awake and alone with my thoughts, there’s no escaping the truth. I’m going to be a dad.
I could think of it as pure biology. My genetic material will be part of a new baby, and Trix made it clear she doesn’t expect anything from me. I could go on my merry way, play my home and away games like usual, and pop in occasionally to visit like the mysterious, fun uncle. I could be an absentee dad and let her raise the kid with her big, involved family. They’ll barely know I’m missing.
But as the child raised without a dad, that’s the last fucking thing I want for any kid, let alone my own.
My own kid.
The words still ring hollow in my mind because they’re so new, so unfamiliar, so unplanned.
That’s the beauty of life, though, right? Not everything goes according to plan.
I can see Trix struggling with that idea. The woman I’m getting to know has plans and organizers and lists. Seeing her try to surrender to something outside her control makes me want to wrap her up and take on the world so she doesn’t have to. Or do it with her.
Isn’t that why I came back to town, to try to rekindle something?
Yeah, but not like this.
“Trix,” I whisper, running a hand lightly down the smooth skin of her back.
She stirs and murmurs, “Mm-hmm.”
“Good morning.”
She turns her face toward the sound of my voice, eyes still closed. “First rule of parenting: never wake a sleeping baby.” Her voice is soft, but the small smile is teasing.
“Yeah. About that…”
Her eyes blink open, and she rolls to the side. Leaning her cheek on her hand, she looks instantly awake, ready for business. I’m still getting used to this woman who’s so much more goal-oriented than the one I knew in college. I kick myself for waking her out of the sleepy, soft state she was in a moment ago when she was pliant, draped across me, and unconcerned about anything.
“We don’t have to get into that—” she stammers and shakes her head.
“No, I want to.” I run a finger across her lips, silencing her as my hand continues to trace the delicate features of her face. “I’m in, Trix. I want to do this with you. Share custody or whatever they call it.”
Her smile grows. “Co-parenting. It’s called co-parenting.”
“Yeah, okay. Call it what you want, but I’m here for it. I want to be a dad.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Saying the words out loud makes my heart race a little bit because I’ve just made it real. I’ve made a commitment, and there’s no going back on being a part of a person’s life. It means I’m tying myself to Trix in some way too, and I can’t tell if it thrills me or terrifies me. What if I fuck it up again ?
She presses her lips together until she can’t stop the smile from taking over. “Okay. So…okay.”
I think it’s okay, but our blazing chemistry scrambles everything in my brain. “But what about this?” I gesture between us.
She mimics my motion, and it looks like she’s swatting bugs. “This?”
“Clearly, I’m just as hot for you as I was in college, but I don’t want to complicate things even more.”
She nods. “Ah. That.”
I push myself up to sit, noticing her eyes glide the length of my torso, snagging on my pecs and abs. Her gaze goes hazy, and she tilts her head like she’s admiring a piece of art. I’ll never get tired of her looking at me like that.
“Trix, it feels good, being with you. Easy. Ten years didn’t change a thing.”
She hauls herself to a sitting position and faces me, legs crossed. “Well, some things have changed. We both have demanding careers, we’re both adulting. But yeah, it kind of feels like no time has passed.”
Reaching over, I run a hand over her hair and smooth the crease in her brow with my finger. “I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming. What are you worried about?”
“I’m worried this will be too much.” She gestures between our naked bodies. “It feels so good to be with you, but I don’t want to be reckless. There’s a child involved, so maybe we set up some ground rules.”
“Sounds like you’ve given this some thought.” I don’t like that she’s walking things back when it feels so good to be with her again.
She shrugs. “Just thinking out loud. I like us like this, but I’m worried about blurring the lines. We’re co-parents, not a couple.”
But we could be.
I don’t say it because it’s clear she’s not on the same page…yet. I’ve had years to think about being with her again, and she’s only he re because she was blindsided by an accidental pregnancy. I don’t like how it feels, but I don’t want to jeopardize our tenuous bond. So I nod.
“And if it gets too complicated, we need to do what’s best for the baby.”
“Yeah, makes sense. Agreed.” I try to keep the disappointment from my voice as a new emptiness replaces the old because she’s not really mine.
Her eyes fix on mine as if assessing my honesty. “You’re sure about this? It’s a lot. I don’t expect you to make this decision without giving it a lot of thought. This will change your life, Ren.” Her tone is dire, and it occurs to me for the first time that maybe she doesn’t want me in this with her, even though she gave me the option.
“I know that. But I guess…” I say, running a hand through my hair and letting it land back on her shoulder. “I’ve always imagined myself as a dad, knocking a puck around with a feisty kid, being the kind of influence on an impressionable little person that I never had. I do want that. And Trix, you’re my OG soul mate—” I hold up a hand when I sense her starting to object. “I know that’s in the past, and I’m not trying to push you into anything. I just mean that I know you. And I trust you as a partner in this.” I pause. “If you want me as yours.”
She nods slowly. “I do, Ren. I trust you too.” She swallows hard, her only indication that taking this step forward with me is as scary as it feels to me. But I can’t deny that I want this. “You’ll be a great dad.” She says it so quietly I almost don’t hear her.
“Okay, then. We know we’re going to do this, whatever that means. We have seven months to figure it out.” I like that this tethers us together. I’m not about to tell her that because it’s too much, way too soon. But it is what it is.
Trix rolls off the bed with a grin on her face and pulls on her hoodie. “Seven and a half months,” she corrects, grabbing her phone. She starts tapping on the screen. “That’s four months after PJ’s wedding, so the inn will be done. It has to be done. So that leaves plenty of time to get things ready for a baby.”
I can’t help but smile at her proficiency, moving full bore ahead into task mode. She’s a force of nature, this Beatrix Corbett, and I kind of love it.
“Check,” I say. “Seven and a half months from now—baby.”
She rolls her eyes at me, but it doesn’t stop her from tapping whatever lists she’s making into her phone. “Laugh now, but you’re in this with me, and you’ll learn to love my multitasking abilities, I promise you.”
I don’t bother to tell her that I’m hardly in this for the multitasking. I’m in this because it’s her , which means I’m here for the foreseeable future.
Longer, if she’ll have me.