Chapter 30
CHAPTER 30
B eatrix
I fall asleep early and miss a call from Ren, but I wake up with two main thoughts. One, I shouldn’t have eaten that second piece of pie. Sugar always messes with my sleep, and sure enough, I spent last night tossing and turning and having bad dreams. The ones I remember all involved some form of being chased by an animal or flying off into space. In one, I was floating above the roof of my house, attached to a helium balloon on a silk string. It seemed obvious enough that I needed to cut the string to free myself from the balloon, but when I untied it, the balloon fell to the roof, and I kept floating higher and higher.
Clearly, I’m getting nervous about being a mom. The dreams are about losing control, and parenthood seems like the best example of that.
The second thought I have this morning is that maybe my dream has something to do with Ren. I feel out of control there, too. I don’t like the way we’ve been ships passing in the night, even though his voicemail was sweet. “Hi, honey. Sorry I missed you. Hope you get some sleep.” Generic, but sweet.
Not sweet enough. Not when he’s been treating me like I’m an inconvenience, someone he has to text because I texted him first. Someone he has to call to check in about the pregnancy like it’s an obligation. In the past ten years of building my career and becoming self-sufficient, I’ve learned one important thing—I’m just fine on my own. And I can’t go on waiting for the other shoe to drop, worried that Ren will leave me behind again. All the old signs are there.
I try to talk myself down because maybe the pregnancy hormones are making me overly-sensitive. Ren was probably exhausted after the game. He felt pressure to lead the team and not run off to call me. I get that.
But a part of me worries that he’s trying hard to play a role because it’s the right thing to do. Even if he loves me, being with me wasn’t part of his plan. Maybe I need to set him free. Or at least have an honest conversation about where we stand. I’m not the twenty-year-old without a life plan. I can handle whatever comes my way, even if I don’t know what to say to Ren right now.
I push the thought away, but it creeps back as soon as I leave my bedroom and pad down the hall in Ren’s large pajama pants and one of his soft tees. Yes, I slept in his clothes. They’re comfortable, and right now they fit better than mine do. They also remind me of Ren, and it makes me happy to wrap myself up in fabric that smells like him.
In my kitchen, I flip on a light and start the coffee maker, grateful that the smell no longer makes me sick. Even if it’s decaf, I still like my daily fix. It’s a ritual. I warm the milk in the microwave and wait for the coffee to drip slowly into the pot. Leaning on the counter, I practically doze off. My elbow slips to the side, and I’m jarred awake.
Decaf coffee isn’t going to power me through the day, so I look in my pantry for something to give me some energy. Next to a box of bran cereal, a bag of Oreos screams out to me. “Eat all the chocolate!” I imagine it’s saying. Slamming the pantry shut, I back away.
I don’t dare eat a sugary breakfast after the pie wreaked havoc on me last night. I settle for a peach from a wooden bowl on the counter and try to stop worrying about what to say to Ren when I see him.
The coffee maker beeps, and I pour some coffee and milk into a metal tumbler. Then I swap out Ren’s pajama pants for sweatpants and shove my feet into a pair of slip-on tennis shoes.
Walking around Buttercup Hill will help me clear my head, and I desperately need to be focused today if I’m going to get the last touches finalized so we can reopen the inn on schedule. And we will open on schedule. I haven’t busted my ass for the past two weeks just so things can fall apart at the last minute. Every table at the restaurant is booked, and all the rooms at the inn are sold out.
I don’t notice where I’m walking until I realize I’m standing outside the restaurant. But I’m not here for food. My office is upstairs. All roads lead to work for this girl, apparently.
“Hey.” The deep baritone startles me with a combination of excitement and dread. I turn to find Ren walking up the path from the parking lot with that boyish grin on his face. His hair is slicked back from a shower, and he wears a loose pair of sweats and a long-sleeved tee that clings to the muscles I love to ogle. “Stopped by your house. Thought this was the next logical place to check. Glad I caught you.”
His eyes sparkle like I’m the best thing he’s ever seen, but I bristle when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me. I love the way it feels, but I can’t lose myself to him the way I want to. All the pent-up emotions bubble to the surface and I feel a sob choke in my throat. Pushing it down, I swallow hard and banish the pinpricks of tears. Now that I’ve decided we need to talk, I want to get right to it.
“Ren…” I pull out of his grasp and back a few steps away. His smile fades in an instant, and he crosses his arms.
“Oh.”
I shake my head. “It’s just that I think we need to talk.”
His head drops to his chest. I hate being the one to make his sparkle fade. “I know. I’ve been a shit. I’m sorry I’ve been absent. The team needed my focus, but I fucked up. I know that’s not?—”
“Stop. I get that hockey is important. And maybe it’s good that you’ve been out of touch because it’s given me some time to think.”
I drop onto one of the benches outside the restaurant and inhale the heady scent of rosemary growing all around the building. It’s always calmed me, and right now, I need that.
“I love your mind, Trix, but I’m worried about what it’s been thinking. This doesn’t sound good, honey.”
The nickname is like warm chocolate, and I want it to drown the ache in my heart, but I try to keep my focus. “Ren, I’m struggling with how to feel about you, and we haven’t even had the baby yet. When you ghost me like you have for the past few days, my mind goes straight to how you dumped me before. I know it’s probably not fair, but I can’t help it.”
“That’s not…” He shakes his head. “It’s completely fair. And I’m sorry. I would never do that to you—or the baby.”
“Exactly. Because you’re a good guy. Because you follow through on commitments. But that doesn’t make us a couple. It doesn’t make it easy to go days without hearing from you. I think that in the whirlwind of emotions and intense feelings I have when I’m with you, I haven’t been thinking clearly. And I need clarity.”
“You hate the gray area. I know. But this isn’t gray to me. I want to be in this with you.”
I shake my head. “You’re here for the baby, and that’s already a lot to ask. I know you have guilt about leaving ten years ago, but I’ve basically hijacked your life. Barely hearing from you for the past two weeks was a wakeup call. I need to stop fantasizing about something that’s probably not realistic and give you your life back.” I’ve been wringing my hands, but I force them to still and drop them into my lap. I do my best to remain cool and calm on the surface, even if I’m crumbling underneath. Even if my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.
“I’m not asking for that.” He kneels in front of me and takes my hand from my lap. “When have I asked for that?”
“Maybe not in words, but ghosting me to focus on the team kind of conveys the same thing, don’t you think? We’re a co-parenting team, and I’m counting on you for that. I’m grateful for it. But letting my heart hang in the wind is too hard for me, worrying that you’ll want me one day and leave the next. I’m still a distraction for you, just like I was ten years ago.”
He closes his eyes, and my heart aches for this man who wants to do the right thing. When his eyes open, they flash with intensity.
“I want to be distracted by you. I always have.”
It’s almost enough to make me cave. I want to be with him so badly that I nearly wrap my arms around his neck and promise never to let go. I want him so much that I almost cave and allow myself to believe his words. But I guess I don’t have enough confidence that he’ll want to stick around if I do.
“I know ten years is a long time, but having you disappear on me was a reminder that I can’t put myself through it again. It was too hard to get over you the first time, and now I have to think about someone besides myself.”
He shudders as my words slice him apart. Sharp, unyielding scissors. But he knows I’m right. There’s a baby involved. A child. A tiny person who deserves the best father Ren knows how to be, and I’m a distraction that will only make it harder.
It wasn’t until I saw how he commands the ice—and his team— that I fully understood it. Hockey is a part of him. It’s not just a sport he plays. It’s who he is. If I love him, the most selfless thing I can do is give him room to do what’s right for him.
“Just think about it, okay? It doesn’t make you a bad guy if you’re honest with yourself. It makes you human. It will also make you a better dad.”
Ren stands, understanding that he’s not going to convince me of anything today. I’m asking him to do a gut check. I’m asking for clarity. I’m hoping it will lead him back to me for the right reasons. But if not, ten years has taught me something—I know I’ll be okay.