Chapter 32
CHAPTER 32
B eatrix
“Try not to panic. Women have been having babies alone in corn fields since the beginning of time,” Julie says as I wait for the medication to kick in. She stands on one side of me while a nurse comes in and out, running tests and checking my vital stats.
“I know you think you’re making it better, but corn fields? Really?” A contraction tightens my stomach and jangles my nerves. It’s too soon to have a baby, and I still haven’t heard from Ren. I know I caught him at the tail end of a game and he probably hasn’t seen my text. Or maybe he’s back to his spotty communication after our last conversation. But as upset as I am with Ren, I don’t want to have a baby without him here.
“Yes. Corn fields. You have modern medicine on your side, and I’m sure this is all going to be fine. It’s probably false labor. It’s really common.”
“I hope you’re right, Jules.” I offer her a wan smile as she wipes sweat from my brow .
I’ve been in such a tailspin since the doctor told me to come to the hospital that I’ve just been nodding at Julie since she showed up at my house. With barely a word, she gathered Truman’s supplies, and loaded us into her car, and dropped the dog off with her husband. Then she drove me here. For the first time in years, I didn’t make all the decisions. It felt kind of nice.
I’ve been having contractions all week long after I told Ren to take time to think, almost like the baby heard us and is registering a protest.
Please get along, Mom and Dad. Please be a couple.
“Yes to the first part, little one,” I tell the tiny bean inside me. “Jury’s out on the second.”
With the blue flowered hospital gown draped over my belly like a tablecloth attempting to hide Mount Everest, I give Julie a half smile that probably doesn’t look convincing. In fact, I’ve done nothing but panic since I called her in the middle of the night when I noticed I was bleeding. With months to go until my due date, I should not be going into labor, if that’s what’s happening.
I intentionally kept my text to Ren vague so he wouldn’t be worried until I have more information. Even though I’m still upset with how we left things, he has a right to know what’s happening with his baby. So I’ve kept my phone nearby, figuring he’d call me when he saw the message. I have no idea what kind of post-game obligations he has with the team, but I do know that he’ll complete every last one of them before taking his phone out and checking on the outside world.
I check my phone once more, and there’s nothing on the screen. No missed calls, no messages. Zip.
The shreds of hope plummet as my heart deflates. I don’t want to read into the silence, but I don’t know what to think.
“Still nothing, huh?” Julie asks.
“Nope.”
“He’ll call. I have more faith in him right now than you do, so try to trust me.” I look at her, noticing for the first time her black long-sleeved top and red polka-dotted skirt. “Were you wearing that outfit when you got here?”
She glances down, smooths the skirt, and laughs. “It’s my Minnie Mouse costume. Sometimes, I dress up when I read Disney stuff before bedtime. I just hopped in the car when you called and didn’t remember I had this on.”
That’s when I realize I’ve taken her away from time with her own family. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry you’re missing bedtime.
“Don’t be silly. Ed loves it when he gets to put her to bed by himself. They have a whole routine, songs, books, a secret snack they think I don’t know about…”
“Cute.” I wonder if that’s how Ren will be with our child. He certainly seems excited about being a dad, and he can be so sweet when he wants to be. I just need to make sure I fill in the gaps when he disappears, like he’s done lately. Our child needs stability, not a dad who’s afraid of committing to life outside of work.
Another contraction hits me hard, and I suck in a breath. That, coupled with my emotional state, leaves me half sobbing, half breathing. “Oh gosh, I’m a mess. What if I can’t do this?”
It’s the first time I’ve said those words out loud, but maybe that’s because this is the first I’ve felt alone in what’s coming next. I know I can be a great mom. I’m a born multitasker. I just got a false sense of hope that Ren and I were a real couple. And now…I’m adjusting back to the reality that’s much healthier for me. I sniffle and wipe my tears indelicately with the back of my hand.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Julie says, smoothing my hair like the fairy godmother I’ve forced her to be. “Like I said, just try not to panic.”
“I’m not panicking. I’m fully freaking out. I’m going to be a single mom, and I don’t know what I’m doing,” I tell Julie, wishing my voice didn’t sound like a whine.
I’ve been at the hospital for two hours already, and the nurses have given me a dose of steroids, which will speed up the baby’s lung development in case I deliver early. I’ve also been given a dose of magnesium to stop the contractions, which are probably false labor, but we need to be sure.
“Feels like you’re panicking,” Julie says, noting my rapid heart rate on the monitor beside the hospital bed. “The nurses seem to think everything looks okay.”
She’s right, so I should feel a little consoled by that. I’m still waiting for my doctor to arrive and I’m doing my best to stay calm, but it’s not exactly working. And I can’t even fool Julie when she has access to my vital signs as proof. “Fine, I’m nervous. What if I go into labor right now? What if I’m having a miscarriage? Is everything going to be okay? And where the hell is my doctor?”
“The nurse said she’s on her way.” I don’t remember that. I wasn’t paying attention because of all the panic. One more reason why I’m intensely grateful to Julie for coming with me and keeping a clear head.
“Okay. Okay, that’s good.” I look again at Julie in that getup. She’s been as perky as the real Minnie Mouse, and I’m the polar opposite. “Okay, stop looking at me like that. Find something to do,” I order, taking my frustration out on her.
Julie knows it’s not about her. She flips channels on the TV perched in a high corner. It’s been set to a news show on mute, and I’ve ignored it until now. Without asking, she flips to ESPN, where the sports highlights play on a loop. I start to tell her to switch it off. The last thing I need is another reminder of the awful way Ren and I left things before he got on the plane for this game.
But I can’t help the way my eyes shoot to the screen, scanning for clips of the Otters game from earlier today. Even though I told myself not to watch it, I know they won. Good news for the team and for Ren, who takes every downturn as a personal failure. As a type A personality myself, I get it. I just wish his devotion to his sport didn’t come at the expense of everything else in his life.
“I think a part of me will always worry that he’s going to bail on me again,” I tell her, searching the screen for any sign of game highlights, any tiny glimpse of Ren. I’m no better than the groupie I was right after he left, searching sports news for photos of him, scrolling tabloid sites, not wanting to see him with other women and hating myself for looking.
Eventually, I got over him and stopped. Now, though, I won’t be able to do the same because we’re bound by the child I could lose right here, right now.
“Of course you’re going to worry about that because you’re in love with him,” Julie says. “Same guy, same love. Only now, it could really be something. Of course it’s going to hurt more if he can’t come through for you, but I think he can.”
There’s a quick knock on the door, and then it swings open. I sigh in relief at the expectation of seeing my doctor’s face.
Finally.
I need her. She’ll know what to do. She’ll calm me down if there’s nothing to worry about. I need a full report so I can relay it to Ren, even if he doesn’t seem interested in texting me back.
Instead, I get Ren. He looks as panicked as I feel as he rushes into the room wearing a long-sleeved Otters tee and sweatpants. He lets out a long exhale as though he’s been holding his breath for a week. “Trix, Jesus. You scared the shit out of me. What happened? Are you okay?”
His eyes rake over me, searching my eyes for answers and settling on my enormous belly. He starts to reach a hand toward me but reconsiders and shoves it into the pocket of his sweats.
“How are you here?” First things first.
“I took the team jet as soon as I got your texts. But the Wi-Fi was jammed on the plane, so I couldn’t reach you in the air.” He comes close to me and picks up my hand. I feel a rush of warmth envelop my body just from that tiny touch. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“I had some bleeding and contractions,” I tell him.
“Everything’s fine ,” Julie adds, shooting me a look. It’s a mixture of hopefulness and warning.
“As far as we know,” I correct, wishing I could feel nothing when I look at Ren with his tousled hair and his long-sleeved shirt that can’t hide his strong shoulders and arms.
Ren looks from me to Julie and back again. “Which of you do I believe? Is everything okay or not?”
Before we can answer, there’s another rap of knuckles on the door, and Doctor Salinger enters in her blue scrubs and white coat. She looks a hell of a lot calmer than any of us in the room. Apparently, she’s used to that because she doesn’t skip a beat. “It’s going to be okay,” she says, reading my chart and then washing her hands.
Ren doesn’t look convinced. In fact, he looks like he might faint. Doctor Salinger must notice the same thing because she wheels over a stool so he can sit on it. He looks steadier, but the color doesn’t return to his face.
For a moment, it warms my heart to see how much he cares. Then I remind myself that he’s just being a good dad. We are not a couple. My heart needs to settle down and stop looking for something it can’t have.
The exam only takes a few minutes, after which Doctor Salinger assures me that the bleeding may come and go, but the amniotic sac is intact, and all the baby’s vital signs look good. “You’ve been having Braxton Hicks contractions?”
I shrug. “My stomach tightens, and I feel pressure. Am I in actual labor?”
“When did it start? What can I do? How can I help?” Ren looks helpless and sweet asking this flurry of questions, and I have to remind myself I’m still upset with how we left things. This is the guy I want by my side. I just wish it didn’t take a medical emergency to get him here.
“Calm down, it’s going to be okay,” the doctor tells him. She walks him through the medical protocols and what to expect if the drugs do their job. “These are Braxton Hicks contractions, totally normal in the middle of a pregnancy, though I recommend limiting vigorous activity because of the bleeding. For the time being, no brisk walks, no lifting weight at all, and let’s see if we can get things to calm down. I could keep her here for observation tonight, but I think that getting a good night’s sleep at home would be the best medicine. Just relax, Beatrix, as much as you can. Stress is not your friend.”
“Okay,” I say under Ren’s concerned stare.
“Like I said, I don’t see any reason to worry, but if something changes, call me right away.”
The doctor makes some notes in my chart and moves from the room, leaving the three of us in an awkward silence. Ren looks at me. I look at Julie. She looks at Ren. Rinse, repeat.
“If you don’t have any questions, I’ll leave you two alone. Ren, you can get her home, yes?” Julie nods at him, then at me. I tilt my head at her questioningly, and she presses her lips together and points to Ren.
“She’s saying we should talk,” Ren interprets. “And she’s right because I have some things I need to tell you.”
“I’m also saying you should cut back on work.” Julie points at me and lingers in the doorway for a moment, gazing at us. “I’m rooting for you, Ren,” she says before closing the door. “I’m rooting for both of you.”
Yeah. I’m rooting for us, too.