3. Chapter Three
KARI
Four Months Later
This has been the worst time of my life.
I couldn’t believe all that I’ve been through.
I was a little over eight months pregnant and going to the doctor to make sure the baby was alright.
Mr. McKasey had stayed true to his word and handled all my prenatal care, so I didn’t have to worry about running up a big bill.
I was still doing my thing and killing shit in my classes too.
Thank God that I was carrying the baby to where you really couldn’t tell that I was pregnant.
I’d been wearing bigger clothes and the only one who knew what was going on was Marley.
Evan and I still weren’t on the best of terms because it was like he was staying away from me.
After he called his daddy to fix his problem life seemingly went right back to normal for him.
He checked on me, but that was as far as it went and sadly, I think it had something to do with his dad.
“Friend, how are you feeling?” Marley asked, sitting down beside me on the bed in my hotel room. We were studying for an exam. Luckily, I’d been able to keep up with my studies despite all the craziness I’d been dealing with.
“I’m doing okay. I just can’t believe I got myself into this shit.” I sighed.
“I know, but you need to stop beating yourself up, friend. Everything is going to work out for the best. I trust whatever you decide to do will be for the best, and you have to believe that too. I’m here for you girl.
” We hugged each other tight and I cried my heart out because I was so damn grateful for her.
Over the last few months, Marley had become my personal diary.
I confided in her and told her things that I wanted to tell my cousins and parents.
She never judged me or got on my ass about my choices and instead just continued to show her unwavering support which was what I needed.
I was so back and forth about my decision to put the baby up for adoption.
I was scared and knew that I should’ve talked to my parents about it.
However, I decided against it and agreed to adoption because I wasn’t ready to be a mother.
As much as it broke my heart to let my child go, I knew deep down that it was for the best.
It was a little after midnight, Marley had left and I was all alone in my room when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.
It had been happening for a few days. I still had two more weeks to go and hoped like hell everything went okay.
I already planned not to go to school for a couple of days.
My instructor, Ms. Mary, kept asking if I was okay.
I got so paranoid around her because she always looked at me strangely like she knew something.
I got up from the bed to go to the bathroom as I felt a rush of water flow down my legs.
“Ohh, shit.” I grabbed my phone, and the pain got worse. I called Evan, and when he picked up, I wasted no time talking.
“Evan, I think it’s time,” I cried because the sharp pains were hitting me hard. “Ohhhh, Evan, please hurry.”
“I’m on my way,” he said and ended the call.
I cried like a baby because I’d never felt this type of pain. It took Evan about twenty minutes to get to me and by the time we got to the hospital, and up to labor and delivery. I was ready to have my baby. An hour later, I was pushing.
At 2:04 a.m., my baby girl had finally made her entrance into the world.
The nurse laid her on my chest, and I just stared at her.
She was absolutely perfect. Tiny little fingers, a button nose, and the prettiest lips I'd ever seen. I held her for the longest time, breathing in her scent and kissing her soft cheeks over and over again. For the first day, I slept a lot and the baby spent most of her time in the nursery. Evan told me he didn’t think we should have the baby in the room, because he didn’t want me to get attached to her.
But I was already attached; she was mine.
If nothing else, I wanted this time to be able to remember all that I was sacrificing to give her a better life.
The next day the doctor discharged us to my surprise.
They didn’t play no games, I guess. It was like they were kicking me out for the next person to come have their baby.
I was sitting down holding the baby, just looking at her as tears flooded my face. “My baby girl,” I whispered through my tears. I didn't want to let her go. I looked over at Evan, and my heart was breaking more with every second that passed.
“Evan, I don't know if I want to go through with this adoption anymore,” I admitted honestly.
He looked away for a moment before rubbing the back of his neck.
“Kari...”
Before he could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. The door opened, and his dad walked inside carrying a folder. Evan didn't even tell me that he was here.
“Hey, Kari,” he greeted with a smile that felt so fucking fake it made my stomach hurt.
“I just need you to sign these papers. This is a non-disclosure agreement stating that you won't discuss this matter with anyone, and these are the final adoption documents.” He placed everything in front of me, and I thought about it for a long time.
“Kari, sign the papers,” Evan spoke up.
I looked over at him and wanted to jump out of bed and beat his ass.
The way he said it fucked with me. He didn't comfort me, he didn't reassure me that everything would be alright, and his ass didn't even ask if I was okay?
It was just “sign the papers.” My heart broke inside.
I stared down at my daughter sleeping peacefully in her car seat because we were discharged.
Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to grab my baby and run the hell out of here.
But did the opposite; I picked up the pen with my hand trembling and signed where he told me I needed to sign.
I felt like I was signing away a piece of my heart.
When I finished, Mr. McKasey grabbed the paperwork without another word.
Then he reached down, picked up my daughter's carrier, and waited. I leaned down to kiss her cheek and whispered my goodbyes to her. I was a mess, and I tried to hide it, but I couldn’t.
“Are you okay?” The nurse asked as she came into the room with the wheelchair.
“Yes, just emotional that’s all.”
“That’s normal Hunny. You’re a new mommy.” She smiled.
Once they got everything, she pushed me downstairs.
Evan had already called an Uber for me. His dad acted as if he was buckling the baby into the Uber, and the nurse headed back inside.
When she was out of sight, he took the baby back out of the car and walked off in a different direction.
Evan shut my door without saying a word, and the driver pulled off.
I cried for my baby. I cried for me. I cried for the life that I wasn’t able to give her.
I felt empty inside, and I just broke down.
I cried so hard I could barely breathe. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and walked away with it
A week passed, and I hadn't seen Evan. He sent a text to check on me, but no calls. I barely ate or slept. It was like depression had consumed me, and I honestly didn't want to be here anymore. I picked up my phone and called my parents.
“Hey, baby," my mom answered immediately. “How's school coming along? Your dad and I were actually talking about coming out there next week to visit.” The moment I heard her voice, I lost it.
“Mom,” I cried. “I really want to come home. “I've been thinking about it, and I don't want to be here anymore.” There was silence for a long moment.
“Baby girl, did something happen?” His voice immediately came over the speaker.
“No. Ummm… I... I just want to come home.”
“Kari, just breathe love,” he said, and I swear I tried, but I was losing it.
“Juelz! Bring my daughter home,” My mom said, and that did it. I knew I was going home.
“We're going to figure this out. I'll call your program leadership and see what can be done. I don't want this to mess up your education.”
“Dad, maybe I can be homeschooled or just go back to my classes back at home. I don't care anymore. I just, I need y'all.”
“Kari, pack your things. Your dad will set everything up,” My mom sniffled, and I knew she was crying
“If you want to come home then just come home, baby. I'll handle your travel and call you back,” my dad said, and I let out a sigh of relief.
“Okay.” We ended the call.
I finally felt like somebody cared enough about me to make sure I was okay.
My dad rented a private jet set for the next evening and after I handled some things at school, I boarded a flight home.
Once on the plane I let out a sigh of relief.
The next morning, I was back in New York.
I hugged my parents for the longest. They asked me several times if something happened in Paris and I told them no.
They finally left it alone. I hadn't heard from Evan at all since I’d been back.
I wasn’t even sure if he even knew I left.
I felt dumb as hell because I acted irresponsible as hell, and I’d regret this time of my life forever.
Two Months Later
Things had been okay with me. I was still depressed as hell, but I was still trying.
The more I stayed in my room crying and sleeping all day, the more my dad watched me with that side-eye.
He wasn't saying much, but I knew he was worried about me.
My family had been walking on eggshells ever since I got back from Paris.
I was sitting in the kitchen eating lunch with my siblings when my phone rang. It was Marley calling.
“Hey, Marley,” I spoke into the phone.
“Girl, what are you doing?” she asked.
“Nothing.”
“Come meet me at the mall.”
I honestly didn't feel like going anywhere, but I knew if I stayed in the house another day, those four walls were going to drive me crazy.
“Okay. I'll see you soon.” I ended the call and ran upstairs to change my clothes. I walked out and one of the security guards took me to the mall.
Marley and I shopped for a couple of hours before going to the food court to get something to eat.
We were sitting at a table, people-watching while we ate our food.
She was talking a mile a minute, trying her hardest to get me back to my old self.
Then this fine dude walked over and sat at the table right next to ours.
I'm not gon' lie, he was fine. But I was still so emotionally messed up that guys were the last thing on my mind.
“I gotta run to the bathroom,” Marley said. “I'll be right back.”
“Okay.” I sighed.
As soon as she walked away, I just sat there staring off into space.
Lately, I’d been thinking about my baby girl more and more.
I kept wondering if I’d done the right thing by giving her up to strangers instead of dealing with the heat from my family.
I was so damn scared of what they’d say, I let that be the leading reason for me giving her up and that was so stupid of me.
I’d robbed myself of so much. Like I didn’t get a baby shower or took maternity pictures.
Hell, I didn’t even know what they decided to name my baby.
It was just so many different “what if’s” and that was the part that was killing me most.
“It's not the end of the world, lil mama. Cheer up.”
I looked around before realizing that the cutie next to me was talking to me. “I'm good,” I replied with a small, fake smile.
"What's your name, lil mama?"
"Kari." I turned to face him. "What's yours?"
“I’m, Jah.” He glanced down at my hoodie.
“I see you got on an NYU sweatshirt. You go there?” He asked.
“Not yet. I start in the fall.”
"Oh, yeah, that’s dope."
“Yeah.”
“How old are you?” He slid over to the seat closest to me.
“I’m seventeen,” I told him and I didn't even bother about asking how old he was. It wasn't like we were about to start dating or anything.
“Seventeen, huh? You should've broadened your horizons and came down to the A.”
“Atlanta?”
“Yeah, the one and only.” He leaned back in his chair. “You know Spelman is a cool ass university. If you would've came down there, I'd get to see you a whole lot more.”
A small laugh escaped before I could stop it. “Hmm... So, you live in Atlanta?” I questioned.
“Yeah.” He nodded. "Born and raised.”
“So, what are you doing all the way in New York?”
“I’m here on a lil business. Nothing major. I almost didn't come to the mall today. But I'm glad I did.” He smiled, and when he licked his lips that did something to me.
For the first time in a while, I genuinely smiled.
Jah and I talked for a little while until Marley returned from the bathroom.
Before we left the mall, we exchanged numbers, and surprisingly, we called each other every day.
He even convinced me to consider going to Spelman.
I told him that I applied to Spelman and got accepted, but I chose NYU because my grandmother taught there for years.
Now he had me rethinking my whole college plan.
I hated that I was so easily influenced, but Jah seemed different.
If I did decide to go to Spelman, I was hoping my Grandma Simone or my dad could pull some strings to get me in since it was so late in the game now.
I don’t know; we’ll see. I laid back on my bed and thought about the child I birthed.
I prayed that she was okay and that Mr. McKasey kept his promise to me.
I was trying my hardest to block Paris out altogether because instead of it being the time of my life, it ended up being a very traumatic experience that changed my life.
Maybe one day I’d be strong enough to tell my parents about it…
maybe. For now, I placed it in the far back of my mind and just tried to pretend like none of it ever happened.