25. Domestication Looks Good On You
DOMESTICATION LOOKS GOOD ON YOU
THE brOTHERSHIP
FOSTER
Sutton, a little birdy told me that you’re bringing a plus-one to the championship game.
SUTTON
Who? Who could have possibly told you that?
FOSTER
Don’t worry about it. Is it true?
SUTTON
You guys know I’ve been hanging out with Lake. It’s hardly a surprise.
HARLAN
Oh, trust me. We know. We haven’t had a boys’ night in weeks.
KNOX
You get all wifed up, and suddenly we have to make plans with you a month out.
SUTTON
Says the man who uses the same bodywash as his girlfriend.
KNOX
Rejuvenating grapefruit is a nice scent, alright?!
AXEL
Wait, how many people ACTUALLY use bodywash? I just rub a bar of soap on my body and call it a day.
FOSTER
We can tell.
CREW
Well, I’M happy for you, Sutton.
KNOX
Kiss ass.
FOSTER
When are you going to make things official?
SUTTON
Um, it kind of already happened. On accident.
AXEL
Accident?
FOSTER
AND YOU DIDN’T TELL US?!
SUTTON
We were sharing sob stories, the girlfriend question might have slipped out…
HARLAN
Aw, congrats!
FOSTER
She said yes?
SUTTON
Oh, fuck you.
FOSTER
I’m just messing with you. You’re a catch, man. Probably the most eligible bachelor out of this group. Good hygiene, big muscles, excellent cooking skills.
KNOX
Foster, do you have something you want to tell us?
FOSTER
Can’t a man just platonically compliment his friend?
KNOX
Not you. You butt-dialed me in the middle of a threesome you were having last weekend.
CREW
How does that even happen?
AXEL
Yeah, and are you sure it was HIS butt that did the dialing?
FOSTER
Whoa. I didn’t say anything about a threesome.
KNOX
You didn’t have to. There were multiple voices in the background.
HARLAN
Maybe it was just an intense make out session?
KNOX
I wish it was, sweet Harlan. I wish it was. The things I heard on that call can never be erased from my mind.
FOSTER
I’m an equal opportunist, sue me.
AXEL
Damn. The greed they talk about in the Bible for real.
FOSTER
What? Everyone’s a little gay.
SUTTON
…
CREW
…
HARLAN
…
AXEL
…
KNOX
Nah, he’s actually right. Sometimes it feels good to stick it up the ass.
CREW
RIGHT. CHANGING THE SUBJECT. NOW.
AXEL
Can you please invest in a diary.
HARLAN
So, Lake is coming with us to Saint Paul?
SUTTON
I think so. Coach said a few members from the journalism club will be covering the game.
KNOX
Ugh, no fair. I want to bring my girlfriend.
FOSTER
Rub one out in her memory?
CREW
Why do you always make things so sexual?
FOSTER
I don’t know. My prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet.
SUTTON
We know.
FOSTER
Eat my ass, Sutton.
HARLAN
I thought the saying was ‘suck my ass’?
FOSTER
…
FOSTER
I said what I said.
SUTTON
I’m not even going to respond to that.
CREW
I’m glad Lake is a part of the group now. She fits right in. The girls are obsessed with her.
SUTTON
Yeah, I just don’t want to mess shit up. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t afford to lose her.
HARLAN
You’ve got this, dude. We’re all rooting for you.
SUTTON
Thanks, Har.
CREW
You have nothing to worry about. You two are perfect for each other. Merit agrees with me.
HARLAN
Hi, Merit!
CREW
She says hi.
FOSTER
Ugh, you guys are getting soft. Don’t you remember the good ol’ days when you could wear a candy necklace to the club and have a bunch of hotties eat off your neck?
AXEL
I’m pretty sure only YOU did that.
FOSTER
Yeah, and that’s why I’LL be keeping the fuckboy spirit alive. I’ll get tied down when hell freezes over.
KNOX
You’ll definitely be keeping the STD factory alive. LMAO.
FOSTER
Pot calling the kettle black.
KNOX
Luckily for me, I don’t even know what that means.
FOSTER
I see those English lessons with Staten haven’t paid off yet.
KNOX
If you ever end up needing a catheter, I will pour Mountain Dew into it and watch you burn from the inside out.
SUTTON
Jesus. I think you guys need to spend some time apart.
FOSTER
You can’t leave me on my own. I need to be socialized.
AXEL
You need to be put down.
CREW
Alright, great talk, guys. Lots of violent thoughts as usual. Are we taking advantage of those free therapy sessions I sent you?
FOSTER
That’s what hockey is for. I can’t hit people in therapy.
HARLAN
I worry about you all very deeply.