Chapter 34
CHANTEL
“I have to go into the city today.”
Cristian’s words hang heavy in the air, stealing the oxygen from the room.
I blink up at him, trying to squash the immediate urge to freak out.
He’s been working from home since the boat incident because the thought of him going to the city every day made me anxious. Not knowing where Elias is or what he might do next is terrifying. But the thought of him trying to take Cristian from me is soul-crushing.
“Chantel.” Cristian grazes my face with his fingers. “You aren’t breathing.”
“I know.” I nearly choke on the words.
I hate this panicky feeling in my chest. I’ve gotten so comfortable having him here with me that I almost forgot how bad my anxiety could get.
“Talk me through it,” he murmurs.
“What if something happens to you?”
“Nothing’s going to happen to me,” he assures me.
“You can’t know that.”
“I know we aren’t taking any chances with security measures,” he says. “All our vessels are under constant surveillance, here and at the marina. We have boats patrolling the island and eyes on every block within a two-mile radius of our businesses. Nobody is getting near any of us unnoticed.”
“You know, it’s really annoying how calm you are about everything all the time,” I complain. “Sometimes I just need someone to panic with me.”
“Sorry, baby.” A smile teases his lips.
“Are you really?”
“No.”
“I figured as much.” I lean back against my chair and try to relax so we can have a rational conversation, though that’s pretty difficult for me right now. “Does this mean you’re going back to work in your downtown office?”
“Do you not want me to go back to work in my downtown office?” he asks.
This feels like a trick question, but I answer anyway, not caring how absurd it sounds.
“No.”
“Then I’ll keep working from home until things settle down,” he says.
“Really?”
“Are you surprised?” Amusement flickers in his eyes when he sees the skeptical look on my face.
“Yes.”
“Well, you shouldn’t be.” His thumb traces the curve of my jaw. “That’s how relationships are supposed to work.”
“I wouldn’t know.” I avert my gaze.
My first relationship turned out to be hell on earth, and the ones around me weren’t any better.
Cristian studies me as I take a sudden interest in my tea, but he doesn’t push me to elaborate.
“When do you have to leave?” I ask.
“Soon,” he answers vaguely.
I’m pretty sure he’s waiting to be certain I won’t have a panic attack when he goes.
I force myself to meet his gaze, wondering if I should just tell him right now. But it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you should blurt out right before someone’s about to leave.
I’ve been trying to find the courage to break the pregnancy news for the last three weeks, and I’ve been failing miserably. Every time I think I might actually get the words out, they end up lodged in my throat.
I know he’ll be happy, and I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise, but there’s no denying how this raises the stakes considerably.
Once I tell him, everything will change.
We’ll be tied together in a permanent way, and as patient as he’s been with me, it can’t last forever.
He’ll want to know who he’s having a baby with.
But there’s still a huge part of me that’s terrified of his rejection.
It didn’t really hit me until Mariella printed out my sonogram pictures and I saw our baby for the first time. I had no idea how many emotions it would bring up in me.
I was so young when my mother died, I felt her absence my entire life. Now that I’m going to be a mother myself, I can only imagine how much fear she must have had that I’d be left alone without her. It’s why she gave me the music box, and a way out, even if she couldn’t come with me.
There are so many uncertainties about how Cristian will react to the truth I’ve been hiding. And while I know he would never hurt me, there’s every chance he could still end up hating me.
That singular thought has been playing inside my head like a broken record for so long, it’s become the demon I can’t slay.
I’ve survived a lot in my life, but I’m not sure I can survive losing him.
It’s been at the forefront of my mind every day, and like most of my fears, it’s all too happy to feed itself.
So I find convenient excuses, like the hunt for Elias, or the fact that Cristian is busy with work, or that there never seems to be a perfect moment.
And every time I give myself a new timeline, the goalpost changes.
I’ve made two attempts at surprising him with the news. The first was having Nonna help me make Cristian’s favorite cake. He appreciated it a little too much, because I could barely get a word out before he had me bent over the counter.
I also had the genius idea of waiting for him completely naked with only a feather fan for cover—on which I’d written the baby news inside.
That night turned into a marathon, and by the time we came up for air, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
I can’t keep getting stuck in this spiral, so I make a promise to myself that it will have to be tonight.
“Do you know what time you’ll be home?” I ask him.
It doesn’t escape me that he caught me calling it home, and I’m not exactly sure when that cemented itself in my mind. But if the warmth in his gaze is any indication, he seems to like it.
“I should be back by dinnertime,” he says. “But I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”
“Thank you,” I murmur.
He leans down, lips ghosting over mine. “Call me if you need anything.”
I nod, and he gives me a long, languid kiss that I never want to end. Judging by the way he sighs when he pulls away, he feels the same.
“I’ll see you soon, gattina.”
“Come back to me,” I whisper.
“Always.”
With one last lingering touch, he leaves, and I press a palm to my empty chest.
He’s taking my heart with him.
“I feel like I was much better prepared last time.” Abella takes stock of the things we’ve laid out on the bed. “But the baby brain is so real right now, I’m regretting not making an actual list.”
“Well, that’s why I’m here to help,” I assure her. “Let’s start with toiletries.”
“I think I’ve got everything,” she says, but it sounds like more of a question.
I scan the things she’s prepared for her hospital bag, mentally going through the items I’d take with me to Black Velvet.
“Oh, what about hair ties and makeup wipes?”
“Good call.” She wanders into the bathroom and returns a second later, tossing them into the pile.
“You’re all set on comfortable clothes?”
“Yes, I think so. Comfortable being the key word.” She smiles. “With the first one I wanted to be new mom chic. This time, all I care about is being cozy.”
I smile and sit on the bed to help her fold the clothes. But when I glance down at one of the baby outfits, I’m hit by a wave of emotion.
“Chantel?” Abella murmurs.
“Hmm?” I blink up at her.
“Are you okay? You seem…distracted.”
“I’m okay.” I smooth my hand over the fabric. “Just so many changes lately, it feels like my life has done a complete one-eighty.”
“In a good way, hopefully,” she says. “Minus the psycho stalker, of course.”
“Yeah, that.” I shudder. “I’ll be relieved when they finally catch him.”
“Me too,” Abella says grimly. “But I’m glad you’re here where I know you’re safe.”
I nod, and we fall into a comfortable silence before I work up the courage to ask her what’s on my mind.
“Were you nervous when you told Angelo you were pregnant the first time?”
“Honestly, I didn’t even really have time to process.” She laughs. “He was at the Stavros estate trying to renegotiate the treaty with Ares. At that point, we were just two hot tempers away from having a bloodbath, so as soon as I found out, we had to race over there and break the news.”
“Well, that sounds intense.”
“It was,” she muses. “But it didn’t even matter in the end.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’d already signed some kind of agreement with Ares.”
“Oh.” I swallow, deciding it’s probably better not to pursue that line of questioning.
“But to answer your question, once everything calmed down a bit, I was nervous,” she admits. “We’d been through so much, and I just wanted a happy ending. But it was hard not to feel like it might be ripped away from me at any moment.”
“I know what you mean.” I let out a shaky breath. “It sucks when your mind is always preparing for the worst.”
Abella studies me for a beat. “What made you ask that anyway?”
I shrug, trying to play it casual, but her eyes widen as she pieces it together.
“Are you pregnant?”
I give her the tiniest of nods before I hold up my hands. “But don’t freak out. I’m already anxious enough as it is.”
“I’m not going to freak out,” she promises.
I arch a brow at her.
“Okay, maybe a little, but oh my god,” she gushes. “We’re going to have babies together. Do you know how cool that is? They’ll be best friends for sure.”
Her excitement is contagious, and I can’t help agreeing that it will be fun to have kids who grow up together.
“I still need to tell Cristian.” I twist my fingers in my lap. “I’m so nervous.”
“Well, you shouldn’t be,” Abella says. “That man is down bad for you. I can’t believe I never saw it before, but holy crap. When you walk into a room, you’re all he sees.”
“Yes, well—” My throat works. “I’m not sure that will always be the case.”
“Why do you say that?” She frowns.
“It’s…complicated.”
“Whatever it is, you two will work through it, I’m sure. Cristian is very logical, and he has a solution for everything.”
I force a smile, fidgeting with the hem of a baby blanket. “I’m going to tell him tonight. Any advice?”
“Rip it off like a Band-Aid.” She smirks. “And be prepared to get mauled as soon as you do it.”