Chapter 26 #2
I missed being able to forget about life’s tedious chores, to know someone else would take care of it, to know I had staff to sort menial crap out.
I missed being chauffeured around, I even missed my hidden shadow of a bodyguard who never once smiled at me.
I missed the trappings of a wealthy life…
the shame.
How had this happened?
Things I had complained about, hated even; these were things I now missed.
See?
Money changes a person.
But the food, oh how I missed the food.
There was always fresh food in the humungous fridge-freezer.
Yummy food and nibbles.
Food delivered from specialist stores under the rigid regime of Matt’s chef.
Valerie, I even missed Valerie.
Although during my stint as Mrs DuMont-Bradley I cooked quite a fair bit, Valerie still managed to earn her keep with culinary creations of delicious, mouth-watering, heavenly-
“What are you staring at in there?”
I looked over my shoulder.
Gerrard walked through the open doorway of the canteen and continued over to my side.
He peered into the small fridge with me.
“Nothing.” I grumbled.
“There’s nothing good in here. Who ate my fruit salad? It had my name on it and someone ate it.”
Gerrard shrugged, turning sideways and about to back away.
I grabbed the edge of his t-shirt and leaned in close.
He jerked further to the side, observing me from startled eyes.
“You smell like pineapples and grapes.” I raised a threatening eyebrow at him to which he rolled his eyes and extricated his t-shirt from my tightly gripped fingers.
“I didn’t touch your poxy fruit salad.” Gerrard denied the theft before gently touching my tummy.
“Hello in there.”
I smacked his hand away, grumpy and hungry.
“Get stuffed. I’m not a doll. Why do people think they can invade my space and touch my stomach whenever they want?”
Gerrard stepped back and pulled out one of the chairs around the small table in the canteen.
Gesturing to the seat, he smiled at me.
He knew my previous outburst wasn’t meant for him.
Yesterday, the aunt of a student noticed the bulge of my tummy and she boldly tried to cop a feel, smiling and cooing as she stretched her bony fingers out.
Gloria had gone mental when she spotted my unease.
My receptionist had a mouth on her sometimes.
But I was grateful for her intercession and silently pledged to not be felt up by strangers in the future.
Who knew what bad vibes they could be unwittingly rubbing on my stomach?
Yeah, I was scared of germs and bad ju-ju.
Sue me.
“I’ve got a Hoisin duck wrap in my bag.” he said.
My ears and shoulders perked up, my stomach growled noisily.
“The one from Waitrose? Did you get it from Waitrose or Sainsbury? You know I love the one from Waitrose.”
Gerrard grinned and I held my hands out making grabby movements.
“Why isn’t it in the fridge?” I asked out of curiosity.
Those wraps should be kept slightly chilled, they tasted better.
“Because someone’s been nicking food that’s why.” he retorted.
“Wait here, I’ll go get it.”
Watching him leave and willing him to hurry back, I sat down on the chair and drummed my fingers over my burgeoning stomach.
Today was the 1 st of March and I was approximately 25 weeks along…
with the cutest bump, I kid you not, my pregnancy bump was a thing of beauty.
25 weeks of gestation to fraternal twins.
Not many people knew, some of my permanent corp did, but my ongoing affair with loose-fitting sweaters made everything discreet.
They were also probably scared to ask questions, automatically assuming it was an unplanned mistake and the father was a random.
I was up the duff, as Liam would say.
And my bump, it was neat and trim, a testament to the lifestyle/career I led; maybe my mother’s genes.
Dante was no longer stressing over my lack of girth.
I forced him to watch some vlogs of women who were also pregnant with twins.
One was a dancer, another a gym fanatic, the last woman…
she didn’t say what she did but her bump was smaller than mine at the same 25 weeks junction.
Of course, at my last growth scan, the mid-wife had warned me of a more than likely stomach ballooning occurrence.
The babies were going through a growth spurt right now so I would just have to wait…
ha ha, weight…
and see.
The anomaly scan hadn’t thrown up any issues, and although I was still suffering from anaemia, my pregnancy health was a-ok.
Yay for me.
The babies were fraternal twins, not identical, which meant they each had their own placenta and were extremely low risk for TTTS.
Twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome was more likely with identical twins who shared a placenta, I knew this because I was on a research kick.
It was also called FFTS, feto-fetal transfusion syndrome; knowledge was power.
The only worrying thing at the back of my mind was the possibility of ongoing strain on my joints.
Oh yeah, I was dancing and would continue to do so until someone with a medical degree told me to stop.
“Hoisin duck wrap.” Gerrard chirped as he waltzed back into the canteen.
I did not snatch it out his hands, nor did I frantically rip the packaging off.
Gerrard’s shock though, it registered after my first large bite of the wrap, his shock was palpable.
Perhaps my enthusiasm for the duck wrap was a tad too much.
Perhaps I was slightly rough in claiming his offered lunch.
Delicately dabbing the corner of my mouth with a finger I slowed my chewing down.
After a swallow, I gave him a toothy smile.
“These are really nice.”
“Yes, they are,” Gerrard started backing out the canteen before delivering a teasing shot.
“Piggy.”
“Hey.” I yelled as he disappeared from view.
Piggy, my ass.
I was a hungry, pregnant woman.
I scoffed down both wraps, sneakily licked the tips of my fingers then wiped them on some tissue, all the while wondering if I could possibly manage a small food shop at Fortnum and Mason.
It would be my one extravagant spend for the month.
Mmm…
the memory of their Himalayan salt-aged Glenarm Sirloin Roast…
taste heaven.
I left the canteen, heading to my office and already mentally planning the junior’s dance class I would be teaching at 4:15pm.
Being pregnant had sharpened my focus, brought crystal clarity to my muddled business acumen.
Profitability.
Dante loved the new business me.
Prices had been raised, and yes, I did feel guilty over the decision.
Four new classes, beginners and intermediates, had been added to the schedule.
Impending parenthood had forced me to assess my business outlook.
It was all about the bottom line now.
I had looked at the figures, raising a kid in England was expensive, raising two…
thank goodness my dance company made money, otherwise I would have to sell one of my kidneys on Ebay or the Dark Net.
Whichever forum kept me out of jail.
Fricking Geoffrey…
I still couldn’t believe his underhand dealings almost cost me my freedom.
He was out on remand while awaiting his day in Court and I wanted nothing to do with him.
A tiny flutter in my stomach made me grin and I patted my bump in reassurance before starting to sort through the paperwork on my desk.
“It’s ok. Mommy isn’t going to do anything illegal, at least not until the heat has died down.” The soothing tone of my voice caused further fluttering, or so I told myself as the screen of my cell lit up.
Unknown caller.
Hesitantly, I answered.
My number was new, as was my provider.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” His voice was low and uncharacteristically nervous, it still made my heart race though.
Maybe it always would.
“How,” I took a deep breath.
“How did you get this number?” The silence conveyed his sudden amusement, which was weird, but I got the distinct impression he was amused.
Then he confirmed it verbally with a light chuckle and a dry, “It’s not that hard.”
I took another deep breath before saying, “Why are you calling me, Matt?”
He sighed, loud enough to express his frustration.
“Have you given any further consideration-”
“I don’t want to meet.” I cut him off at once.
“I have to see you,” he said in earnest.
“Please, I need to apologize face to face.”
“You’ve already apologized.” I countered, and he had, many times since last week hence my new cell number.
“It’s fine.”
“Don’t,” He breathed down the line.
“Don’t say it’s ‘fine’ because it’s not fine, this whole situation is anything but fine. ”
“Ok,” I could agree with his comment.
“It’s not fine, but we’re divorced now and it’s in the past. We’ve both moved on.”
There was another loaded silence on his end before he replied in the quietest of voices, “Yes, you have done so most emphatically.”
The insides of my stomach lurched, I decided it was gas and not the twins revolting over their mother’s behaviour.
“Poppet,”
“Don’t.” I said, sharper than intended, but it hurt to hear him use that moniker.
“Just don’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing, Matt.”
The anger came from my own guilt.
The guilt of continuing the lie.
A guilt which had constantly plagued me from the moment Matt had called a week ago, furious and distraught.
I had never thought him capable of such aching humility and murderous rage.
“I’ve left you alone as you asked,” he said.
“But I believe it’s best for us to meet. Look, if you don’t want to see me on your own,” here he paused before grumbling out, “Palmer can join us. I need to see you.”
I cradled the phone against my ear, fighting the primal urge to tell him everything, instead I allowed my concern centre stage.
“You sound tired.”
Matt let out a huff of air.
“I am.”
“Are things bad at your company? The terrible state of the oil economy is constantly in the news.”
“It is bad.” he agreed with a sigh.
“But we’re managing just about. Thank God we diversified into other revenue generating fields years ago.”
“You sound really tired.” I repeated softly.
“Are you eating? Resting?”
“Let’s meet up, anywhere you want, choose a time and I’ll be there.” he persisted.
Always so determined.
“I would really appreciate the opportunity to apologize in person. I’m begging here and you know I despise begging. Please, Madi, I’d like us to talk, face to face.”
“It’s not a good idea,” I hedged, fiddling with the edge of my desk and almost snapping a fingernail.
“I’ve got so much going on and, look, I told you last week, it’s all water under the bridge. None of it matters anymore-”
“It bloody well matters to me,” he grated out.
“And I know you’ve got a lot on your plate. Trust me, it’s been the only thing on my mind since I discovered – God! This is such a cock up. I’ve treated you abhorrently and it was all undeserved.”
Yes, it was undeserved.
Last week when he first contacted me, his greeting was a terse ‘we need to talk’.
It had caused no end of fright for me.
‘We need to talk’ was never a good way to start a conversation and I thought he’d somehow found out the world’s population would soon be up by two due to his irresistible stubble.
The stubble deserved some blame for my predicament no doubt.
Where was I?
Yes, my ex-husband had finally embraced the light.
Matt now believed I was innocent of any infidelity, and he had been in a murderous frame of mind.
It transpired the golden-haired Louisa Gilliford, with the help of a male friend, had engineered the whole situation.
The deranged psycho had taken advantage of me.
I didn’t understand it at first.
Then Matt reminded me of his trip to Egypt the previous year and a party I attended at Bella’s parents’ estate.
I remembered the party because I had been sick as a dog and Bella had kindly dosed me up to the eyeballs on medicine before having the staff settle me down in one of the many guest rooms.
Deranged psycho had been at the party too.
She had conspired with some sleazy friend to take some pictures of me in a compromising position, knowing I was out cold and unable to defend myself.
The rage I felt when Matt explained what she’d done could only be matched by his, and his clear planning of how he intended to oversee her demise did sound fool-proof.
How could anyone be quite that evil ?
Matt had assured me nothing else had been done to me.
His staunch words had calmed my anxiety over the thought of some strange man somehow assaulting me in an unconscious state.
He had spoken to the culprit and gotten a confession.
I doubted Matt used actually words when interrogating the man, but he wouldn’t admit it.
Implied yes, but never verbally admitted.
I hadn’t even been naked, just artfully arranged to look so under the covers.
Matt assured me the man had been dealt with.
I didn’t know if that meant Matt had destroyed him financially, or whether the dude was incarcerated, or whether he was dead.
Frankly I didn’t care which, I had initially hoped for death as long as Matt didn’t end up in jail.
I couldn’t see Louisa’s friend doing jail time.
What would be the charges?
Being a slimy dick?
Unless Matt had him arrested on false charges?
Tax evasion, maybe?
And Louisa.
I wanted to peel the skin from Louisa’s flesh then roast her alive…
evil, manipulative cow.
But I reminded myself karma was real and dwelling on the past would get me nowhere.
It had taken much more for Matt to calm down, as I said earlier, he was distraught and furious.
There had been a moment during that conversation, the perfect moment to tell him the truth; I had let the moment pass.
“I said I’ve forgiven you,” I wanted the call to end.
The guilt was eating away at me and the fluttering in my tummy didn’t help.
The only reason he’d been the recipient of my begrudging absolution was down to fear.
There was now nothing hindering me from telling him the truth.
He believed me and wanted to make amends.
All I had to do was say: ‘I’m pregnant with your babies’ and the weight on my shoulders would be lifted.
I couldn’t.
I was too afraid, not of his possible anger or perhaps his doubts that the babies were truly his; we’d been separated for months and he probably thought anything could have happened during those months.
I was afraid if I told him the truth we would end back up together.
I knew he regretted everything that happened.
I knew he blamed himself, his jealousy, his ridiculous pride.
I knew if I told him the truth, well, I didn’t.
I maintained the lie because I could never wholly trust him again.
What if we got back together and something else happened?
Would he throw me away without blinking again?
I couldn’t risk another dose of such heartache.
As a child I had lost my whole world when my parents died.
As an adult I had made Matt my world, and I had lost him too.
I was done being stupid, I needed to be my own world, not just for me but for them.
Was it unfair to rob them of the chance to know their father?
Maybe.
I could only make the decision I believed was right.
It was my job to protect them, even against the same person who helped create them.
Matt may have loved me, perhaps a small part of him still did, but it wasn’t enough.
It had never been enough.
I hadn’t been enough for him and he hadn’t trusted me.
Trust was everything and both of us had failed that test.
We weren’t meant for each other, we weren’t good for each other.
“I’m pressuring you,” Matt murmured apologetically.
“I’m sorry. That’s the last thing I want to do.”
“I don’t want to meet up, Matt. It’s too raw, too messy-”
“Is it because you’re,” he paused to clear his throat.
“Carrying Palmer’s child? Look, this whole situation, our divorce, everything…it’s my fault. I need to make things right.” He let out a bitter laugh.
“Or as right as the circumstance will allow. I’m not going to hide the fact your relationship with Palmer is hard to swallow, but I divorced you,” He huffed with blatant aggression.
“Although you got pregnant for him before our divorce papers were filed. You always fancied him – forget what I just said. This is all my fault.”
There it was.
Another perfect moment, simply waiting to be used.
“It wasn’t your fault. I mean, we’re both to blame,” I rushed to ease his guilt in the hope of soothing my own.
“We – I never – I was really crap at communicating.”
Matt, surprised by my honest admission, released a genuine laugh.
“So was I.”
“You were bossy, domineering,” I added.
“And I gave in too easily.”
“I kept things from you,” he whispered.
“Important things, and I didn’t put you first as I promised.”
My eyes were filling with tears.
“I think my expectations on what marriage should be were wrong. I had this stupid vision in my head - I was scared, I was always scared I didn’t deserve you, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I’m a terrible person.”
“No,” Matt was quick to shoot that down.
“Don’t ever say that. You are, without doubt, the kindest person I have ever known.”
The door to my office opened and Dante sauntered in just as the tears rolled down my face.
He froze, worry creeping into his features as he mouthed, “Who are you talking too?”
Matt continued to list my positive attributes.
“You’re sweet and loyal, and-”
“They’re yours.” I blurted out then bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood.
Fuck!
I got sucked into the moment.
There was silence on his end for a few seconds before a very confused, “What? I’m sorry, what did you say?”
I hung up the phone, eyes wide and definitely about to piss myself.
“Fuck!” The expletive perfectly summed up my life.
“Who were you speaking to?” Dante asked, coming over to the desk while I flung my cell aside and rubbed my wet eyes.
“It was Matt. He called.” I cried in horror.
“Oh God. What have I done? I think I told him. I said- what the fuck was I thinking? Oh Jesus, oh sweet Jesus.”
“Stop swearing, you made a deal with God.” Dante tried to calm me down.
“What were you talking about? How does he have your new number? Why is he even calling you?”
Oh, that’s right.
Dante was in the dark concerning the whole frame up revelation.
I hadn’t gotten around to telling him and he was busy trying to finalize the purchase of his first property.
To be honest, I kind of deliberately kept it secret, but only because Dante would’ve pressured me to go to Matt and reveal the truth.
“Text.” I reclaimed my cell, sending a quick ‘thanks’ upwards the screen hadn’t been smashed when I tossed it.
“I’ll text him back, say I was talking to someone else and the call got cut off. Yeah, yes, that could work. No telling what might come out my mouth if I talk to him. He’s got this weird ability to make me confess. I don’t understand why it happens with him-”
“Take a breath,” Dante interrupted me while my fingers flew over the screen in haste.
He pulled a chair and scrutinized my face.
“Why were you talking to him?”
I finished the text, pressed send then turned off the cell.
Exhaling slowly before smoothing my features into one of serenity, I met Dante’s gaze.
“He knows I never cheated and feels guilty because of everything,” I chewed my lower lip at Dante’s incredulous stare.
“Umm, he apologized. I guess he feels bad about the divorce. I’ve forgiven him, and it’s all water under the bridge now. Ah, did you speak to Francois about the changes I wanted?”
Dante remained silent, his hands were clasped loosely on his muscular thighs.
“It’s all good.” I volunteered to help cover the awkward silence from Dante.
I tried to grin and continued with a lightness that belied the growing tension in my body.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not telling him and it’s my choice, my decision. Stop looking at me like that. I’m not having those people influence my kids. Affluenza is a real thing now and I don’t want them growing up in that environment. They’re old money, Dante, I’m talking generational wealth. Proper old English breeding and money…and they’re toxic. Not the girls, they’re sweet. Hannah and Stuart were nice to begin with but they never once contacted me after Matt and I split. His parents are…I am not having those vipers around my children. And Grumps is a nasty old bat, well, not all the times – Adam is a right dick. He grabbed my arm. Did I tell you that?”
Dante unclasped his hands and raised them to his head.
His trademark braided hair was gone, instead he sported a low-cut style.
It took some getting used to.
“Madison,” he begun in a gentle tone.
“Don’t start.” I stopped him, not wanting to hear it.
This was my life and my decision.
I decided what happened to me and my kids.
“He threw what we were away, Dante.” I snapped my fingers.
“Just like that. He threw our marriage away, he threw me away. I can’t trust him and there is no way in hell I’m going to risk him hurting us. Do you know what Grumps said? I told you, didn’t I? He said they would take any child I had away from me! They can never love them the way I will. No. This is my choice and I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle but,”
He grabbed my flailing hands and held them tight.
“I think what you’re doing is wrong. I’m not going to lie. It’s wrong and you know it. So what if your marriage didn’t work? None of that matters. Stop fucking around with this, Madi. I’ve been your friend for a long time, I know you,” Dante gave me a sad smile.
“And you’re scared. It’s ok to feel that way but you can’t do this. What are you going to tell them when they get older and start asking questions? I mean, you said Matt knows you didn’t cheat. You can sort this out now, even if you don’t want to get back with him, you can sort it out.”
I shrugged defiantly, yanking my hands free.
It was my choice.
“Are you going to deny them a father? Seriously?” he asked.
“You don’t know anything about Matt!” I stood up, frustrated over our conversation.
God.
He just wouldn’t let it be.
“Look, I get you have daddy issues, but that’s on you. Do you really think the great Bradleys will want half black babies in their family? They won’t, and I’m not going to let anyone make my kids feel inferior.”
Dante ignored my scathing tone and leaned back in his chair, shaking his head.
“As much as I didn’t get along with Matt, he’s not that type of person.”
“Oh fuck off,” I exploded.