Chapter 4
I wasn’t a virgin, yet I had never been in love. I had fucked some guys for fun, some out of necessity, and unfortunately, some had been less than welcome. I winced at the memory. I was definitely not a virgin, but I was also far from a prude. Besides being twenty-five, I had also spent most of my life around questionable characters and in less-than-savory parts of town. It was not uncommon to hear people fucking through the thin bit of privacy the tents afforded. Sometimes, I’d even happen upon a prostitute working on my walk home. I was definitely not a stranger to the world of sex, but Kian made me feel like I was.
I had participated in a threesome, been tied up, come on, and even fucked against the wall of a dance club, yet the hottest thing I could think of right now was putting that coffee cup against Kian’s mustached lip. I had stood closer to him today than I had in our previous encounters and had gotten a whiff of his male aroma. I shivered at the memory of it. I wanted to hold his jaw and feel its strength beneath my hands. From what I could see, his hair was long enough to grab onto. Ugh, it made me want things. It was almost impossible for me to have a real relationship while living in a tent and caring for my brother, who was admittedly very easy to live with but was almost always high and was there all the time. But some semblance of a relationship was what I could feel myself craving with this mysterious man with the gut-wrenching songs. I barely knew him at all—that much was obvious, but I could feel an energy from him that my soul wanted more of.
I didn’t often lament my lot in life. I generally accepted my situation, but at this moment, I wished things had gone differently for me. I would love to have a real bed to fuck him in. A kitchen in which I could sit on the counter, clad in just his shirt, while I watched the muscles in his back move as he made us pancakes. A bathroom where we could desperately fuck in the shower—me up against the wall, him in front of me rutting, one hand on my neck, the other holding my wrists so I couldn’t move. I would love for him to leave marks on me—ones I would wear proudly the next day. I wanted it, and I didn’t like wanting things that I couldn’t have.
Maybe he had a shitty personality, I thought, trying to convince myself why it was okay that I would never live out this pipe dream. The truth was he didn’t smile much, and he seemed a little suspicious with his two-questions rule. Maybe he also had a tiny dick. I laughed at that one. He definitely doesn’t have a tiny dick; who was I kidding? I looked out the window to see that he was surrounded by a crowd and was singing a song I could not hear. Damn, that beard would look good between my legs, that much I knew. But it could never happen. That much I knew as well.
I was finishing up my shift when I heard the bell tinkle above the door. I looked over and was startled to see Kian standing there. Alanna, my coworker, gave me a look. Everyone I worked with had seen me out there with him each day, and their tongues were already wagging. Alanna was convinced that he looked like a model. Eric, my boss, said he looked like a murderer.
“It’s always the pretty ones, Jessa,” he told me. I informed him that he watched way too much true crime and told them that they were both crazy and warned them to leave him alone. Kian walked up to the register. I hadn’t seen him fully standing before, and I was startled to find him hovering well over six feet. His coat was unzipped, and I could finally see how much his shirt clung to the muscles on his body.
“Hi.” I was almost uncharacteristically embarrassed with him here in front of me when I had spent the majority of the afternoon imagining him fucking me in every position possible.
“Hi.” He smiled for the first time since I had met him, and I felt it zing through my body. Oh, he was even more beautiful when he was happy. I wanted to kiss away the pain he so obviously carried. Even more than that, I wanted to help him keep it since I had felt his sad desperation so clearly in his song.
“Do you want to order something?” I cocked my head, confused.
“N-no.” He stuttered over that as if he was worried that it had been the wrong answer. He lowered his voice, seemingly aware that Alanna was standing by the sink, not even three feet away.
“You didn’t give me a song for tomorrow,” he said to explain his presence.
“Oh!” I was genuinely thrilled by him asking me to request a song. “I don’t really know this band at all, but I heard this song the other day. Do you know ‘Calico’ by Pointing West?”
I watched his face go from open and curious to completely shut down.
“I won’t sing that.” He sounded stern, and he almost turned as if contemplating leaving. I reached out and touched his arm to stop him. He stilled instantly.
“Okay, never mind. It's cool. Will you sing ‘Let Me Love the Lonely’ by James Arthur?”
He nodded. Lips tight, eyes dark with something I couldn’t decipher.
“Okay.” I smiled.
“Okay,” he repeated. We were interrupted by Alanna coming over, holding out a pastry bag.
“We have to throw out the extra pastries at the end of the day, so you can have these for free if you want.” She was tall and blonde with a fuck-me mouth. I was curious how Kian would react to her. It’s not that I wasn’t confident in myself; I was. I fully embraced my perpetual tan skin tone, my curves, my ass, my thick thighs, and my double Ds, but I knew some guys preferred what Alanna had going on. The little, perky boobs, the big brown doe eyes, and the skin so pale that a small smack on the ass would show up red immediately. He didn’t even blink in her direction.
“Thank you,” was all he said, and then looked back at me almost immediately. I felt something warm in my heart.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked. That was usually my question in regard to him since he was the one notorious for a disappearing act. I never knew if I would come out to smoke while his music filled the sidewalk or if quiet would follow me around all day. I nodded.
“I’m always here.”
“Are you walking home?” he asked suddenly, causing me to go still. I wasn’t embarrassed by my living situation, but it also wasn’t something I was going to share with a guy I barely knew. So I just nodded again. Kian surprised me by immediately peeling off his coat. It was a thick, black down coat with the Canada Goose logo on the arm.
“Do me a favor and wear this.” He held the coat up. I could see how built he was beneath his thin Henley. Images of his thick arms crowding me as he fucked me from behind clouded my vision. I needed to get laid because this was getting ridiculous, I reprimanded myself in my head.
“I have a coat.” I was never one to actively look for handouts, but I also wasn’t too proud to accept a gift either.
“This one is warmer,” he simply replied as he leaned over and held the coat open, encouraging me to slip an arm into the sleeve. I did. It was big on me, and it was warm, like he had said. Was it the coat itself or was it because it had been warmed up by his body all day?He pulled me closer by the collar and reached down to zip me up.
“Oh.” I was finally at a loss for words. I could feel myself slick up between my legs. This man had to be what sex looked like. If you googled sex, I imagined he would be the image that showed up.
“See?” He gave me another rare grin. I nodded, ignoring my raging hormones encouraging me to do naughty things to him.
“What will you wear?” I worried out loud.
“I have another one.”
“At home?”
He paused, then responded, “Yes.”
I nodded again.
“Okay. Well, thank you. That’s very unexpected but nice of you, music man.” I tried to lighten the mood.
“It’s Kian,” he murmured.
“I know.” I winked. “Take your scone.” I handed him the bag that Alanna had packed. He dipped his chin at me and then left with another tinkle of the bell.
I let out the breath I had been holding the entire interaction and snuggled into the coat. It smelled of him—a mix of body wash, an outdoor scent, and something uniquely male. I put my hands in the pockets and found a guitar pick and rubbed it against my fingers. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but it felt like it would be something that I would look back on fondly a year from now. After packing up dinner for myself and Myles, I grabbed my huge backpack and lit up a cigarette for the walk home. I decided to go to the gym in the morning instead of tonight because my shift started late tomorrow, and I wanted to do some laundry before work. The laundromat was next door to my gym, so I would put in a load, go shower, and come back to switch it to the dryer. The walk home felt shorter than normal. Was it because I was warmer than usual, or was it because a pretty man had played me a song today and made my heart happy? I wasn’t sure.
Myles was smoking a blunt outside when I got back. He had shoveled a path from the sidewalk to our tent and had melted most of the snow in front of it with the fire he had going.
“Sup, sis.” He grinned.
“A guy gave me his coat today,” I told him as my greeting and began to unpack the cheese, fruit, protein box, and the two sandwiches that I had taken from work for dinner.
“A guy?” he asked slowly.
“Yeah. He gave me this coat.” I motioned to it. Myles looked up lazily from his food and blinked at the coat.
“That’s really nice of him.”
“Right?” I leaned back, looking up at the sky that was full of stars. The sweet smell of weed wafted over to me as I chewed my grilled cheese and watched the sky. Today was a really good day. Unexpectedly so, and I was grateful for it.
The next morning, Myles shook me awake.
“I’m going to get a haircut. The traveling barber is in the area today.”
The traveling barber was a professional barber who owned a real barber shop, but once a month, he would come to the tent towns, as people called it, and would work a twelve-hour shift giving free haircuts. Rain or shine, no matter the weather, he was there.
Myles liked to get up early and be one of the first in line. He also didn’t like to leave me sleeping alone in the tent as not all of our community members were the most savory of characters.
“I’m getting up.” My voice sounded scratchy. My head was throbbing, and it hurt to swallow. Fuck. I couldn’t afford to get sick. Not only did I not have health insurance since I opted out of the plan offered at work, but I also did not want to spend money at the doctor and miss work. We were probably a year out from having enough saved to get a car to live in, and I couldn’t lose my stride now. I always said we, although Myles was struggling with his addiction too much to get a job, because we were a unit, and he was all I had.
I found a bottle of acetaminophen in my backpack and swallowed the last two down with a swig of icy water. I layered my clothes, starting with a bodysuit, then a sweater, and then Kian’s coat. I didn’t have a lot of clothes, but I had enough to wear and still have some laundry to do. Some of the people living by the creek had no jobs and no income and literally lived in the clothes on their backs. I felt grateful to be in a bit of a better position than that.
My body ached as I lugged my backpack through the park to the laundromat. I emptied the grocery bag of our meager items of clothing into the washing machine and then paid for a packet of laundry detergent. Then I walked over to the gym and took a very long and warm shower that helped soothe my sore muscles. My arms were tired as I took off the shower cap and undid the bun I had put my hair up into. As I dabbed on some makeup, I noticed there were bags under my eyes. What I wouldn’t give for a warm bed right now. Normally I could make do in my tent during all sorts of weather but being sick in a sleeping bag in January sucked just a bit.
When I was done in the locker room, I went over to the food bar and got myself a stack of buckwheat pancakes. Part of my membership included one post-workout meal. They never said I had to work out to get it. I laughed to myself as I soaked up the maple syrup with a forkful of pancake. When my belly was nice and full, and the shower had lulled my headache a little, I hauled my backpack back over to the laundromat to switch the wash to the dryer. As I walked in, I saw a very familiar face.
“Are you stalking me?” I felt weak, but I still had my sass intact. Kian’s eyes darted up and met mine.
“Yes.” He barely skipped a beat. Oh, so he’s funny when he wants to be, I noted.
“Well, you’re not very good at it. I caught you immediately.” I found an empty dryer and began transferring my clothes.
“Maybe I wanted to be caught.” The words looked like they slipped out his mouth unattended because he seemed to shrink a little when he finished saying them. Was he flirting? I wasn’t sure, but I couldn’t really focus on that with the fever I felt coming on. I smiled weakly.
“I would usually keep this going ’cause I’m so good at banter, but I’m just not feeling up to it right now.”
He looked closer at me with worried eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He stood as his washing machine beeped. I sat down on the bench and got comfortable as the dryer would take about forty minutes to finish.
“I think I’m getting sick.” I shrugged. “I’ll be okay. It’s probably just a cold.”
He fished around in the pocket of a coat that matched mine but in blue.
“Want a cough drop?” He was holding one in his hands.
“I’d actually love one.”
His fingers brushed mine when he gave it to me, and I felt the touch all through my body.
“Thank you.” I popped it in my mouth and watched as his eyes followed the movement of my lips.
“So when is your birthday?” I wasn’t too sick for my two questions, especially since I hadn’t asked any yesterday.
“June fifteenth.”
“Ah, a Gemini,” I announced.
“I don’t know anything about zodiacs.”
I pulled out my phone, googled male Gemini, and began to read, “This boy cannot stop moving! He is just so damn restless. Unfortunately, whatever he is doing at the time takes a backseat to what he thinks he could be doing. His brain is always a few steps ahead of his bod. Gemini men are usually big talkers, full of wit and wisdom and coolness. If he fails at something, well, look out because he will sink into a dark despair that is just no fun at all. This boy loves freedom, so no pinning down times and places and meetings; he wants to be free. Call him a Peter Pan—he'll never grow up. Women rarely come in as a high priority with this guy. But he's usually pretty bright.”
My voice trailed off as he began to laugh. My brain stuttered for a moment till it realized that quiet, stoic Kian was belly laughing in a laundromat.
“What?”
“That’s ridiculous.” He guffawed. “First of all, who wrote that article? Because who says bod?”
I giggled at that.
“The article is definitely flawed because, for example, I’m definitely not a big talker. Second flaw is, if I'm with a woman, she is a massive priority to me.”
I could hear the underlying innuendo of what else he meant, and I felt my legs tremble a bit at the thought of all the ways he could show his woman she was a priority.
“I think zodiacs are stupid. We all have our own personalities based on family, friends, and life’s circumstances. I don’t think it’s because of the month we happen to be born in.”
I nodded.
“Yeah, I agree. I am not a big zodiac girl either; I just know which month is which.”
I was so tired, and my head felt so heavy. As my vision blurred, I saw Kian take off yet another coat of his and laid it on the bench.
“Why don’t you lie down for a minute?” I heard him say.
“M’kay,” I slurred and was out like a light a moment later.
“Jessamine.” I felt a hand on my back, and I stirred. I wasn’t used to waking up warm, and I hadn’t heard anyone wake me up with my full name since my mom had passed. I blinked my eyes open and realized where I was.
“Hey.” Kian’s voice was so close to my ear that I could feel his breath against my skin.
“I’m sorry. I’m pretty sure I drooled on your coat. What time is it?” I sat up quickly and instantly regretted the sudden movement as a headache was drilling into my head with such a severe intensity that it hurt to even open my eyes.
“That’s okay. I’m sure I’ve drooled on it plenty.” The stiff, almost unfriendly musician I had come to know over the last few days was being gentle and attentive, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“It’s eleven thirty.”
“I start work at twelve.” I loved my job, but a nine-hour shift with a fever and this headache felt daunting.
“I took your laundry out when the dryer buzzed.”
I turned and saw that not only had he taken it out, but he had folded it and placed it back into the plastic bag.
“You folded my laundry?” I asked, feeling slow on the uptake and not used to people doing little things like that for me.
“I did,” he confirmed. “I hope that’s okay.”
“You saw my underwear.” I blinked.
“I did. I didn’t mind.”
I laughed at that, and he blushed.
“I just meant it didn’t bother me. I mean to help you… not because…”
It was funny watching this man, who looked like he should be on a runway somewhere, stumble over his words with growing discomfort.
“I don’t mind if you see them again. You know, to fold my laundry.” I stood up, swaying slightly, and bent to heave my backpack up onto my shoulder. He flushed again but didn’t respond.
“What do you keep in there?” he asked as he observed how heavy my bag was.
“Literally everything.” I made light of it so he wouldn’t realize how honest I was being.
“I’m stopping off somewhere first, but I’ll be by later to sing your song,” he said, holding the door open as I walked out, and the crisp air hit my heated face.
“I’ll be there with bells on,” I quipped, immediately regretting it as I said it. His eyes showed mirth, but his face remained impassive as he watched me walk away.