Chapter 8
“ I t’s giving weird vibes,” Myles admitted. Our room was on the first floor, so he felt comfortable leaning out the window, keeping half of his body outside since he was smoking a blunt and was trying to avoid setting off the smoke alarm as well as stop any smell from drifting into the hallway. I was getting ready for work and was debating if I should wear any of the clothes that Kian had given us.
“Maybe he’s in the mafia or a gang or is secretly an oil tycoon billionaire in the witness protection program.” I offered up some absurd explanations as I pulled on one of the black, long-sleeved T-shirts he had left me, admiring how soft the material of a new shirt was. I didn’t generally have new clothing. On the off chance I was ever able to buy clothing at all, I always did it at Goodwill because it was cheap, and cheap was the most important thing when life centered around survival, not enjoyment.
“Okay, maybe he is one of those things, though I doubt it.” Myles laughed and shut the window. “But what do you think he wants with you?”
He wandered back over to the pile of clothes that we had left in the kitchen, his hair stuck up all over his head from sleeping on it after a shower.
“I don’t think he wants anything.” I admired the pair of cargo pants that Kian had ordered in a beautiful slate-gray color. He obviously had picked up on my edgier side because they were baggy, and there was a chain hooked onto one of the pockets.
“No one does anything for free,” Myles reminded me. The munchies had kicked in, and he was digging into the bag of cookies. I winced. We were both painfully aware of that.
“He barely talks to me. He keeps telling me that we’re not friends. He doesn’t offer up many details about himself at all, and I think he’s only accidentally touched me once.” I pulled on the pants noticing that they fit perfectly, and wondering how a guitar player who lived in his van was so on point when ordering clothing because they fit my curvy thighs and ass but also didn’t gap on my smaller waist.
“If he wants something from me, he’s not very good at showing it. What if he’s actually a nice guy who just wanted to help us out?”
Myles shrugged.
“Maybe. I guess time will tell. You know, maybe he is an oil tycoon billionaire; he seems kind of familiar to me.” Myles chomped on another cookie leaving a spray of crumbs behind him as he went to sit on the couch to watch another episode of Friends . I laughed out loud because where would Myles have met an oil tycoon billionaire?
“Alright, I’m off,” I announced as I zipped up my coat and grabbed my phone.
“Could you be any warmer?” Myles mimicked Chandler’s tone. I laughed and blew him a kiss.
The walk to work wasn’t terrible, especially since the sun was out today. So, although the weather was still very cold, the warmth from the sun helped balance it out. I stopped at an intersection and waited for the walk signal to turn on. I stuffed my hands into my pockets to keep my fingers warm, and I felt so much gratitude come over me that I hadn’t woken up in a frigid tent. That I wasn’t rushing to work so I could brush my teeth in a proper sink before my shift started. That I wasn’t being woken up by the sound of the paramedics showing up because another person had overdosed.
I sent some grateful vibes out into the universe because no matter how bad it had gotten, I tried not to focus on the negative. I always chose to fixate my energy and thoughts on the one or two kernels of goodness that I could find in my day. I smiled to myself as I noticed a red sign that had been taped to the pole near where I was standing. It was a notification of the town's free New Year’s party that was tonight. They always chose the most random days to throw the yearly party, so the fact that they were doing it a week after New Year’s seemed on point for our town. I took a photo of the flier and then crossed the street as the walk sign flashed. I loved attending the local parties. For one, it made me feel normal. Like I was a part of real society. Second, there was free food, and I never said no to free food. I texted Myles the photo, and he texted back, “Maybe.”
Which meant no, but he was too nice to say it. I didn’t mind going alone. I always ended up finding someone to talk to and dance with. Last year I had even ended up fucking a guy in the backseat of his car. I realized, with a shock, that he had actually been the last guy I had slept with. How had I gone an entire year without getting laid? As I rounded the corner, I was met with the beautiful sound of a guitar strumming and the timbre of Kian’s voice. His eyes met mine as I stood by the door, clearly wearing the pants he had given me. He nodded at me. Just a quick dip of his chin and a small purse of his lips and my ovaries exploded. Like I had told Myles, I had no idea what he wanted with me. I could not surmise why he was being so nice to me or what he could possibly want in return. But I now knew one thing for certain: I wanted to climb that man like a tree.
No one at work was able to join me at the party. Alanna had no one to babysit her son, and Eric said he was way too old for these things and then scoffed when I reminded him that he was only thirty-four. The store was extra busy this morning, and I got slammed making drinks for four hours straight until I finally stopped for my ten-minute break. I had already made two drinks to take on my break with me. This time, I had put together my favorite recipe for a warm sugar cookie drink, which consisted of a base of the white mocha hot chocolate, two pumps of hazelnut syrup and vanilla syrup, topped with a sprinkle of raw sugar.
As I stepped out into the crisp air, I saw that a crowd of hot girls, who probably attended the nearby college, had surrounded Kian and were all making googly eyes at him. They were doing the typical hot girl behavior, giggling behind manicured hands and acting very obvious about how attractive they found him to be. Kian looked uncomfortable. At first glance, he seemed chill as he sat on his stool, loosely strumming his guitar and singing his song, but I could see a trapped animal look in his eyes. His shoulders looked tense as well, and I wondered why he reacted that way to obvious female attention. Kian was objectively gorgeous. He could have any one of those girls, even all of them, maybe even all of them at once. I snickered to myself as I watched him finish his song and then glance my way. He surprised me by setting his guitar down and standing up to walk toward me. That was new.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” I handed him his drink, which he took, watching me with a wary look in his eye. I noticed some swelling and bruising around his right eye, and I assumed he had been fighting someone recently.
“So you’re not mad?” He pointed to the pants that I was wearing.
“I don’t get mad that easily,” I informed him. “So no, I’m not mad. I’m a little confused. But I’m also not stupid enough to turn down free clothes.” I took a sip of my drink and savored its warm, rich flavor.
“You look good in them.”
The words seemed to escape him as if they had to force their way out of his throat. He stared down at his hands for a moment before sneaking another glance at me. I responded by turning around in a little circle so he could get a full view of the pants on me. I laughed when I saw him shift, seemingly uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel weird about it.”
He had a little moisture from the drink left in his mustache, and my hormones encouraged me to lick it off. My body clenched at the idea.
“I don’t usually do stuff like that, to be honest. You just seem cool…” His voice faltered briefly. “And I felt like maybe you could use some help. That’s all. I don’t expect anything in return.” He took another gulp of his drink as if to shut himself up, and I watched greedily as his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat.
“Well, that’s good to hear because, honestly, it takes a lot more than some clothes to get a blowjob out of me,” I joked to lighten the mood. Kian seemed to choke on air, and I watched as a slight blush crept its way up onto the area of his cheeks that wasn’t covered by facial hair.
“I—” he croaked.
“Shit, music man, it’s almost like you haven’t heard a joke before.”
“I knew you were joking.” He sounded defensive, which made me laugh again.
“My ten minutes are up. Let me know what you think.” I pointed to his cup where I had written:
“Want to hit up a party with me after shift? There is free food.”
I figured if he was anything like me, he wouldn’t turn down a free meal, and that way, I would have someone I semi-knew to join me. I also felt like getting him some dinner that he didn’t have to pay for would sort of even out the scales for all the nice things he had done for me when all I had given him in return was some coffee. I walked away without waiting to see if he had read my note. No goodbyes. It was easier that way. In my world, maybe I’d see people later. Maybe I wouldn’t. Only time knew what would happen. I was just a spectator of what the universe decided, and a long time ago, I had chosen not to fight the current of life.
At the end of my shift, I counted down the tills, leaving the excess over two hundred in the till. Then I dumped the brewed coffee, started the rinse cycles, and prepped tea for my coworker, Joshua, who was opening tomorrow morning. I heard the jingle of the bell above the door as I got the cash ready to put into the safe, and without looking up, I called, “We’re closed.”
“What kind of party?” I heard Kian ask. My head snapped up. That wasn’t a no.
“It’s a community New Year’s party that the city throws every year. The special events department, through the mayor’s office, puts it together.”
I finished up my work, clocked out, and came around from behind the counter. Kian was so tall next to me, and I liked it because I could see he was strong enough to do what he wanted with me. A shiver ran up my spine, and I busied myself with getting my coat so I didn’t make a fool out of myself and lick his bicep or take a long sniff of his delicious manly scent. As we stepped outside, I looked back over at Kian.
“It’s not like a date or anything, so don’t overthink it, music man.” I kept my tone light and airy as he always seemed kind of gun-shy. “I’m gonna go because it’s fun, there is dancing, and food and drinks. Sometimes they even give out swag.”
“Okay,” he said with his jaw tight and his tone terse.
“Okay?” I punched his arm lightly, getting a quick feel of the muscle beneath my hand.
“I said okay.” He looked over at me, the confusion evident on his face.
“Don’t sound so excited.” I laughed as we headed to his van.
“I’m not,” he admitted.
“Then don’t come. No one is forcing you.” I stopped walking, and he had to double back when he realized I wasn’t next to him anymore.
“It’s not that I don’t want to go somewhere with you to hang…”
He was stumbling over his words again.
“Spit it out, big boy,” I teased. He shot me a look.
“I think it might be cool to hang out. I just don’t like big crowds.” He finally finished a sentence.
“I’ll protect you from the scary people,” I told him, saying the word scary in a baby voice.
“I don’t need protecting.” His tone had grown frosty, making me wonder where I had gone wrong.
“Listen, bro, it’s literally not a big deal. I’m used to going on my own.” I backpedaled as he seemed so unhappy about the whole thing.
“I’m going.” He opened the door and motioned for me to walk. “Get in, Jessamine.”
I felt his growl between my legs. If this was how he reacted to being asked to go to a party for some dinner, he would probably run off before I could even seduce him, I admitted to myself. That was unfortunate because I bet he could rock my world for a few hours.
It took a couple of circles around the block to find somewhere to park the van. As he backed up into the spot that we finally found, I texted Myles, telling him that I would be back late and I would bring him some dinner. He informed me that he was starting season three and if they were serving cannolis to bring him at least five. The party was always held in the large back room of a local Italian restaurant. Everything was covered in gold and black. Black streamers with gold Happy New Year’s signs were hanging all over the place.
We signed in at the entrance, and they handed us a bag that contained a sweatshirt, a container of cannolis, a pamphlet with coupons to some of the local businesses, and, of course, information about the upcoming election later on in the year. After placing our bags on two chairs at an empty table, I made a beeline for the buffet and loaded up my plate with Italian creamed greens, chicken Alfredo, and baked tortellini. Kian still hadn’t said anything as we sat down to eat. He had piled food on his plate, too, and I imagined he had to ingest a ton of calories just to keep up with the physique that he had.
The room was dimly lit, and a fake candle flickered on the table between us. A DJ was playing music quietly, but once people were done eating, I knew he would bump up the volume, and the dance floor would be covered with writhing bodies. It was quiet between us, but I never felt the need to fill the silence. Silence never felt awkward for me. I didn’t know if it was a confidence thing or if it was weird that I didn’t find it awkward. Either way, I happily stuffed my face, enjoying the peaceful moment and the feeling of rapidly getting full. Kian kept shooting me looks until he finally said, “Thanks for inviting me. The food is good.”
“It is, isn’t it?” I sighed happily and leaned back, having cleared my plate.
“You’re different from other girls,” Kian observed.
“How so?” It didn’t bother me one way or another, but I was curious what kind of girls he usually hung out with that made him call me “different.”
“Well, for one, you say what you mean.”
He seemed so serious that I laughed.
“Have you been hanging out with a bunch of liars?” I snorted. Kian didn’t answer the question.
“You don’t seem to care what people think of you,” he added.
I nodded. “I don’t.”
“It’s astonishing,” he almost whispered. His eyes shone in the fake candlelight, and for a tiny, brief moment, I pretended that it was real. I imagined he was not my music man but rather just my man. My man who had asked me out and told me I looked beautiful. Later, we would hold hands under the table, which would lead to us making out until dessert came, and then we would go home and fuck frantically, right by the front door because he couldn’t wait one more second to get inside of me. I shook my head to release the cobwebs of this fantasy inside my brain. Love was not in the cards for me. I knew this, and I had accepted it. Falling in love when you lived on the streets was a recipe for disaster. My main priorities were keeping Myles alive, protecting our overall safety, and making sure I kept saving up for a car or a van to live in. I couldn’t add the complication of loving someone to the mix.
“I’m gonna go pee. Wanna grab us some dessert?” I stood, and I saw his eyes drift to my ass and then pop back up to my face as he nodded.
“Sure, what do you want?”
“Surprise me.” I flashed a quick grin at him and then went to the bathroom.
After using the bathroom, I washed my hands and then tried to tame my curls. I noticed that my cheeks were flushed after the quick little sexcapade I had experienced in my mind. I smiled to myself as I stepped out into the long, dark hallway that led back to the party.
“You’re so hot.” A voice to my right startled me, and I looked over to find a scruffy-looking guy standing there. I didn’t answer, just turned and kept walking. I felt a tug on my hair, and I almost fell backward. I quickly steadied myself against the wall, then turned to try and run but found myself caged in by his arms and the overwhelming stench of sweat.
“That was rude.” He chuckled. “You could have said thank you .”
“Fuck you,” I spat.
“I’d like to fuck you, actually.” He grinned, revealing a mouthful of unhealthy teeth.
“Stop it!” I pushed on him with all my might, but he didn’t budge. What this guy lacked in height, he made up for in bulk. Why was no one coming down the hallway? I wondered as I tried to remain calm. I faintly heard that the music had been turned up, and I resigned myself for the worst as there was no way anyone would be able to hear me scream from here. He held me against the wall with one hand as he fumbled with his belt buckle with the other.
“If you’re a good girl, I’ll make it quick.” He leered at me. I felt some spittle land on my chin, and I flinched.
“Don’t touch me!” I tried to knee him in the dick, but he moved his pelvis back and then let go of himself to reach up and push me roughly against the wall. I felt the pain reverberate through my back and the side of my head as my body hit the wall behind me.
“You mother fucker!” I growled and again tried to push him away. He just laughed and began to pull himself out of his pants.
Had it just been this morning that I couldn’t believe it had been a whole year since I had gotten dicked down, and now here I was fighting with all my strength to avoid it? I felt some cries bubble up in my chest, but I didn’t want him to steal my emotions while he stole my body from me, so I shuddered through the feelings silently as I braced myself for the pain I knew was imminent. I was about to close my eyes to avoid having to look at my attacker's disgusting face when, without warning, the man suddenly fell to the floor with a howl, and I heard Kian shout, “She told you no!”
I felt myself sag with relief as I watched Kian lean over my almost-rapist and pummel his face with his bare hands.
“She said don’t touch me!” Smack . “She said stop.” Punch . “So don’t touch her.” Jab to the ribs . “Don’t even look at her!” Kick . The guy moaned and spat out some blood.
“Kian.” I touched his arm, and he reeled on me—the look in his eyes was wild and unfocused.
“You said no, right?” His voice was a little shaky, his chest heaving from the beating he had just doled out.
“Yes.” I nodded, my body trembling. “Yes, I said no. I said no.” I gulped, and tears threatened to overflow as I felt adrenaline rushing through my body. He had saved me. I had never been saved before. I was always the one doing the saving, but I had never been on the receiving end of it. Without thinking, I threw myself into his arms. He staggered back against the other wall from the force of it but quickly recovered and stood steady as I wrapped my legs around his waist and attacked his mouth with mine.