Chapter 16
M y day was turning out a lot different than I had envisioned. I had been so emotionally strung out after dropping Myles off that, without giving it much thought, I had shamelessly texted Kian for a quick booty call. A distraction. A serotonin hit even my cigarette couldn’t provide me. I hadn’t expected him to pick up on my emotional state when he showed up, and when he did, I had uncharacteristically crumbled in his arms. Check off yet another new experience for me. The sex itself was exactly what I had been craving. It had shut off my brain and forced me to be in the moment. He had been rough enough to turn me into a puddle of need, yet his words belied his demanding thrusts and the bruising hold on my hips. I could be something more . It was heart-wrenchingly sweet and paired with the way he threw me around, held me down, and fucked me with abandon—I think I liked the combination way too much for my own good.
I was now sitting on the couch—my feet curled beneath me as Kian paid the delivery driver and brought in our food. Since my room was considered long-term living, I was able to get food delivered directly to me versus leaving it at the front desk, and nothing felt more like a real-person life than having food delivered to where I lived.
Kian had ordered sushi bowls. When he asked me what kind I wanted, I told him I had never ordered a sushi bowl before and to just choose something for me. So much for not letting him spend more money on me. I was getting really bad at that game, I thought, as I took the food he held out for me.
“No work today?” he asked around a mouthful of fish and rice. I shook my head.
“Eric knows what is going on with Myles, so he had me take my day off again today, which means I’ll be working the next week straight.”
“He seems like a good boss,” Kian said, noticing that I needed a napkin, so he got up to get me one. He also brought back a cup of boba tea that he had ordered. I watched as he put the straw in for me before giving it to me. Sheesh, was this what more looked like? I could get used to this. Do not get used to this! My brain shouted. I was feeling confused since I didn’t usually have options in life. Usually, there was one path, one choice available to me, and I took it—with a smile.
There weren't moments that I could remember where I had to ponder which choice was better or what I really wanted. I had always gone with safety as a priority. Sleeping with that guy to give Myles a place off the streets for a while had felt like my only choice at the time. Living in our tent, working every chance I had, eating sandwiches night after night—it was all done out of necessity. Wanting something because it felt good was a privilege I had never been afforded.
I didn’t mull this over in an attempt to feel bad for myself. I simply just didn’t know what to do with this foreign feeling of weighing out options. I honestly had felt a sense of calm come over me ever since I had begun sleeping in a bed with sheets and a room with heat. I lived with less urgency and a need to watch my back all the time. I even felt like I could handle Myles’s struggle better because I was actually well-rested. I was eating warm meals. I didn’t have to pee in the bushes at night, and I didn’t have to fuck a guy in a public bathroom because we had nowhere else to do it.
I sighed audibly, and Kian looked over at me. A smile broke across his face, and he reached over to hold my hand. My body shivered at the contact.
“I can’t eat without my hand.” I rolled my eyes, pretending his need to touch me wasn’t sweet, adorable, and turning me on all over again.
“I’ll feed you,” he joked.
“Mmm hmm. Okay.” I flashed him my dimple with a laugh, as I slipped my hand out of his to take another bite of my food. I had never fucked a guy and developed feelings. Usually, they didn’t hang around long enough for that to happen. Sometimes I didn’t even know their name. I had never been in a relationship. I had never sat and watched a movie with a guy while we drank vodka sodas out of licorice straws. I had never had a guy go down on me in the shower, then dry me off and insist on dressing me. I had never had a lazy morning with a gorgeous, bearded man on a random Saturday. It was giving “I like you” vibes, and I wasn’t sure what to do with that.
Someone like me didn’t usually have situations like this, and if I was honest, I liked it so much that it hurt. The happiness hurt. Because I was afraid of what it would feel like when it went away. The quote, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” flitted through my mind. And while I had never loved a man before, I wasn’t convinced that I wanted to experience the joy of love if it came with the risk of intense pain through heartbreak.
“Penny for your thoughts.” Kian pulled on the ends of my hair slightly. Having him around felt nice. He was like a song I couldn’t get out of my head, I realized, in a good way. That song that you listened to over and over and it just got better every time you heard it.
“I’m not thinking about anything,” I lied. Kian laughed.
“You’re thinking so hard I can practically see it happening inside your head.” He called me out as he stood up to clean up our garbage.
“Alright, I am,” I confessed. He sat back down next to me, and I leaned against his arm.
“I was just thinking that ever since I met you and then was lucky enough to get this room, I have felt what it’s like to live life a little slower, with less of a need to survive each day, and it’s been nice.”
“My life has been nice since I met you too.” He leaned down and kissed me. Softly, briefly. Yet I felt it through every nerve ending in my body.
“’Cause of all the sex?” I quipped.
“Obviously.” He ran a finger down my arm, and I quivered from his touch yet again. Something about him was already more than I had ever experienced before. I was physically affected by him. I thought about him when he wasn’t around, and when he was, his presence calmed me and revved me up at the same time.
Kian was not wearing a shirt, and I was finally able to get a better look at his tattoos. I examined the arm that I hadn’t seen the other day. On his forearm was a fine line tattoo of a music staff surrounded by random circles and the number nine. He had a bunch of dancing music notes stretched around his bicep. Across his back were multiple tattoos. The biggest one was a G-clef drawn in messy, bold strokes in such a way that it looked like it was turning into smoke and would dissipate if I blew on it.
He had bits of verses from songs and other random music notes all across one shoulder. Along the side of his back, not quite reaching around his ribs, was the shadowy, shaded silhouette of the body of a woman with her hands held up in front of her face. They almost looked like they were pressed up against his skin from the inside out. He had an angry-looking angel playing the violin, a mess of lines and splotches that, fully formed, turned into a face surrounded by smoke, music, and abstract lines. The one that really threw me off was on his right shoulder, and it looked like black and white watercolor. It was a blob with smeared edges at best, but in the middle of it, I could have sworn I saw two tiny feet. I ran my fingers over it and began to ask what it meant when Kian suddenly stood, pulled on his shirt, and went to retrieve his guitar that stood in the corner of the room.
When he sat back down, he began to strum, singing quietly in an almost absent-minded whisper. I curled up on the couch, watching him. He was so beautiful. Originally, I had just wanted him to fuck me, but I had gotten greedy, and now I wanted to hear all about what more meant.
He looked over at me from under his long lashes, and I saw the ever-present pain in his eyes that he so obviously held onto like armor, but today, I also saw something new mixed in with it. Something that looked like hope. We could destroy each other with how good it could be; the thought flitted through my mind, unbidden.
Never before had I wanted to say so much yet said nothing. I was not the kind of girl who was afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. However, this time, as I watched the heat in his eyes and the movement of his fingers on the strings of his guitar, I stayed silent. I pondered all of the ways he could complicate my life and all of the ways we could do the happily ever after thing. As if he could hear my thoughts, Kian smiled at me. His real smile. I smiled back.
I wasn’t sure what this was that was happening between us or even what tomorrow would bring, but I liked it. I liked it a lot. He was such an ironic mix of mysterious, rude, sweet, angsty, and sexy. The things that man did to me in the bedroom. I shivered at the memory of him pulling out of me slightly, holding me down with one hand, yet somehow curling me closer to him with the other and then spitting on me there before slamming back into me with a groan. As hot as he was when he made me come, he was also so intuitively kind in his ability to pick up on my moods, buying me food and pulling a sweatshirt over my head because he “never wanted me to be cold ever again.”
When you threw in his hesitancy to tell me much about himself and his penchants for fighting, he was such a conundrum that I couldn’t quite figure out. I closed my eyes, letting his voice wrap me up like smoke, smooth and warm. It felt like, until now, I had gracefully accepted life exactly the way it was, not desiring more. Yet somehow, my heart had still found him, without my permission, but found him all the same.
I must have drifted off because I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating. It was the privately owned detox center that I took Myles to. I answered and was happy to find one of the nurses calling to let me know that Myles was doing well. I was so relieved to hear the good news that I must have said thank you ten times in the whole three-minute conversation. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and looked around. I found Kian putting his coat on.
“Leaving?” I asked.
“I’m gonna hit the gym,” he told me. “Wanna come?”
“To work out?” I laughed. “Nah.”
“They have massages and a sauna. It’s free if you come on my guest pass.”
“Oh, so you’re at the fancy gym?” He had piqued my interest. My gym was fine with plenty of areas to work out in and a clean locker-room, but it didn’t offer anything fancy like massages. Kian shrugged as if to say, “I guess.” I had nothing else to do but sit in my hotel room and worry about Myles, so I got up off the couch.
“I’ve never gotten a massage before, but it can’t be bad, right?”
“Being rubbed all over with oils and creams? No, that doesn’t sound bad,” he teased. I quickly changed into leggings and a tank top with my one zip-up hoodie on top. The hoodie was something I picked up as a teenager, and it said “Don’t worry, be sexy” across the back. Kian laughed when he saw it.
“You are,” he confirmed as we left the room.
“I am what?”
“Sexy.”
His hand was resting gently near my lower back as he guided me out of the hotel, and I found his protective stance endearing.
“Well, thanks.” I remained my usual confident self, but the compliment landed deeper than they usually did. I was used to men finding me attractive in a surface-level way, but it felt like Kian was getting glimpses of my inner self as well, and I hoped he found those parts of me as attractive as he did my body and my face.
Unlike the last time we were in his van, this time, I stayed awake and talked the entire time. Kian had asked about my mother, which led to me just word vomiting all over him. I told him how we ended up homeless and explained how I considered Myles my brother, but we weren’t actually blood related. By the time we pulled up in front of the gym, I was almost out of breath from my nonstop chatter.
“Whoops, I kinda hogged that conversation.” I laughed as I unbuckled.
“Thanks for trusting me with all of that.” His hand ran down my arm briefly before he got out to open my door. I wanted to pinch myself as he helped me down and then continued to hold my hand as we crossed the parking lot. This was not real. I was the girl whose dreams didn’t exceed my love for making people's coffee and my desire to keep my brother alive. I lived in the moment because I didn’t have the luxury of wondering what the next moment would bring. I had always been satisfied with that, and here this gorgeous man was making me wonder if there could be a fresh reality for me. He was making me hope for more hand-holding, more talking, more laughter, and more real moments. That word more had certainly been following me around today. Kian ignored the security guard as we headed to the front desk.
“Hello.” I smiled at him. The guard scowled but nodded. Kian checked me in with a guest day pass.
“I’ll be in the weight room,” he told me as he led me to the massage room and then stopped to press a kiss to my forehead. I was so overwhelmed by all of it that, for a moment, I felt like I would pass out from the sheer happiness. This felt so normal. Almost like I wasn’t the girl who lived in a hotel room instead of a tent, whose dad had abandoned her, and who was one medical bill away from being completely broke.
“Come find me when you’re done,” he whispered against my skin before pulling away, seemingly unaware of the beautiful chaos he had ignited inside of me.
“Okay.” I nodded. I watched him walk away, unabashedly admiring his ass and strong shoulders, before I turned and entered the room behind me.
Apparently, massages were little slices of heaven that I had never even known existed in all my twenty-five years. I was stripped naked and laid under a soft sheet. The music had me entranced in a deep state of relaxation. The massage therapist kneaded every knot of stress out of me. Not only did she massage my back, arms, legs, and shoulders, but she also rubbed my scalp, which I immediately loved and may have even let out a little moan during the treatment. By the time she was done, I felt floppy and serene. Damn Kian West for showing me a new reality. A reality I could never afford and one he probably would not stick around to see through with me. I wasn’t spiteful about it; it was just something I was used to. People didn’t stick around much in my world.
Even Alanna and Eric would probably not be around forever. They would move on to better jobs or other areas of town. It would likely just be Myles and me for life. At least, I fervently hoped it would be. My heart felt a little guilty for enjoying such a luxurious day of sex and massages while Myles sat detoxing in a facility, but I chose to focus on it being something to rejuvenate me for when he came home.
After profusely thanking the massage therapist by tipping her ten dollars that I really couldn’t afford, I got re-dressed and went to seek out Kian. Almost one and a half hours had passed since he had gone to work out, so I figured he would be close to finished by now. I found him where he said he’d be, in the weight room.
I immediately felt my body flood with desire at the sight of him. He was lying on one of the weight benches, lifting two free weights that looked heavier than I could even pick up one time, let alone do multiple reps with. His shirt was off, and I got a full-on show of the swollen muscles in his arms, his defined stomach, and pecs that appeared etched. He was covered in sweat, and some strands of hair were falling out of his bun. How was he real? He looked up as I walked closer.
“I’m almost done.” He grunted, yet he paused to smile at me and asked, “Did you enjoy your massage?”
“I did. Thank you.” I ignored the few other people working out in various areas of the room and climbed onto his lap, feeling his thighs strain under my sudden added weight. “Figured you could use some motivation,” I explained, grinning cheekily. He let out a breath but didn’t protest; he just lifted his weights again. I felt him hardening under my ass.
“It’s working,” he muttered. I giggled and watched as he did ten more reps, then sat up after putting the weights down on either side of him.
“You’re asking for it,” he said jokingly as he wiped the sweat off his face with a small towel that he had hanging over the bench.
“I really am,” I agreed seriously, gyrating my hips in his lap. I had already come twice today, and yet my body was begging for more. His eyes darkened, and his gaze landed on my lips. I felt my heart rate accelerate as he realized what I wanted. He looked around the room, clocking where the other people were, and then, with his right arm, he gathered me to his sweaty chest and leaned his head down to kiss me. His lips were hot and insistent against mine, and I instantly soaked my underwear at his heady taste. The smell of his sweat was turning me on.
“Not here,” he all but growled against my mouth.
I could take him right now. I wanted him so badly that I wouldn’t even care, but I didn’t want to get him kicked out of his gym, or worse, so I agreed breathlessly, “Not here.”
Kian stood up, taking me with him, and swung me over the bench before gently putting me down. He gathered up his belongings and then took my hand, all but dragging me out of the room.
“Did you check out the sauna yet?” He looked back at me as he asked. I shook my head. He hummed in response but didn’t say more. I was certain that the area we were standing in front of was just for men, but he walked me into the locker room anyway, looking both ways to make sure it was empty. He handed me a towel and said in a gravelly tone, “Strip.”
I didn’t even pause; I took off my jacket, my tank top, and my leggings until I stood there in my plain basic bra and mismatched underwear. He bit his lip and dragged his eyes over me; my skin prickled under his scrutiny.
“You are stunning,” he murmured in my ear as he leaned down to kiss his way across my jaw and then down my neck. He had me crowded against the cold locker, but he stopped when we heard voices coming down the hall. He wrapped me up in the towel and then led me to the sauna. The sauna room was currently empty and very large. It was also hot, dark, and foggy to the point that you couldn’t see that far in front of you.
Kian led us to the wooden, slatted bench on the far left. He laid his towel down, sat on it, and then pulled me into his lap.
“Can you be quiet this time, Jessamine?” he purred. I could have combusted just from that. From him knowing how loud I usually was to the use of my full name to the fact that he was telling me he would take me here and now. Fuck, everything about this man was so hot.
“I’ll try,” I panted as he began his perusal of my body with his hands. His large palms worked their way from my hips to squeeze and slap my ass and then work their way down the back of my thighs.
“What do you want?”
I had my eyes closed as I leaned into his touch, and his voice startled me. Between the massage and the smoky aura of the room, I felt drunk and loopy.
“Touch me. Kiss me. Fuck me.” I breathed. He lifted my bra to reveal my breasts but didn’t unclasp the hooks to take it off, so the pressure compressed the top of my chest, causing the underside to swell up from under the material. He massaged the skin around my nipples and then bent to take one into his mouth, drawing me into a frenzy with his hot tongue and nip of his teeth.
“Have you done this before?” He looked up at me, his face glistening in the steam.
“Fucked a guy in a sauna?”
He clicked his tongue as if to say no and shook his head.
“Fucked a guy in public?” I corrected. He nodded and began to pull my underwear down, forcing me to rise up on my knees so he could drag them down my ass and thighs.
“Yes,” I told him without pause, as I had no shame about my sexual history.
“How many men have you been with?” he asked suddenly as he produced a condom from under his towel.
That was random, I thought to myself.
“Including non-consensual encounters?” I asked. I wasn’t saying it to put him in his place because I didn’t mind the question, and I was happy to answer it, but the truth was my history was complicated, and I wasn’t going to sugarcoat it.
Kian faltered at my answer, pausing as he ripped the condom open with his teeth. His eyes met mine, and I saw sympathy in them that I hadn’t asked for.
“Don’t back down now, music man,” I mocked and ground my now-bare pussy around his hard shaft. He moved his hips to make space for his hands, and I watched as he pinched the tip and then rolled the condom down on his cock. I shivered with anticipation. He pulled me down on top of him as he kissed me. I groaned into his mouth, and he admonished me, “I told you to be quiet.”
“It feels too good.” I mewled as he began to move me up and down on him in earnest. He had his hands on my hips and was lifting me like I was a set of weights and not a thick-thighed girl with what had to be ten pounds of hair. Hair that was now getting completely wrecked by the wet air around me. The way he had me tilted against his hips had my clit rubbing on his pelvis, and I was revving up for an orgasm so quickly it was embarrassing.
“Yes, yes,” I called out, and my voice echoed off the walls. I felt a hand cover my mouth and his voice telling me that I was not behaving myself. I giggled and then moaned as I felt the walls of my pussy begin to squeeze in anticipation. Suddenly, the door to the sauna opened, and someone stepped inside. Kian kept moving, and I felt hot and tingly all over, knowing they would either see us or could at least hear the slick sounds of our bodies moving against each other.
“Get out,” Kian called, not missing a stroke inside of me. I heard the muffled voice of people frantically whispering to each other, then a retreat of footsteps and the door closing.
“We need to hurry,” Kian told me. “Are you close?”
I nodded, wide-eyed, knowing someone could walk in again at any second. He began to cant his hips and fuck up into me as he moved my body on him. His voice was husky in my ear. Saying things like, “Yes, take me, fuck you're so tight, oh yeah, move like that, kiss me, Jessa, kiss me.”
I was so swollen, so slick, and so full of him that I came several seconds later with his name on my lips. He swallowed my cry into his mouth and followed me over the precipice a few moments later. We sat there, my breasts crushed against him, chests heaving. I was close to being smothered from sucking in so much hot, thick air, and I felt emotionally overwhelmed when he leaned down to my ear and whispered, “If you asked me to, I would kill any man who touched you without your consent.”
I believed he would, and it healed places in my heart that I didn’t know were still hurting until that very moment.