Abel
There are people talking around me and I fight the urge to tell them to shut the fuck up. I open my eyes when I remember why I’m even asleep to begin with, having to blink several times before I can get them to stay open. This doesn’t feel like I’m waking up from a nap. My tongue feels heavy and dry in my mouth and my arms aren’t moving.
When I look over, I realize it’s because I’m fucking strapped to the goddamn bed .
What in the fuck?
Okay, come on. I didn’t even do anything.
Pues , I tackled a nurse como un zángano .
But that isn’t even a big fucking deal. Not to me, anyway.
Before I can argue it in my mind, I hear Dr. Brown’s voice close by.
“Ah, you’re awake, Mr. Cartagena.”
Entonces , we’re back to Mr. Cartagena. No more cigarettes and secrets, I guess.
I hear someone screaming and I react, jerking my arms hard, but they don’t move. “Rose,” I aim to say but her name is slurred.
Dr. Brown clicks his pen. “Don’t worry about her. I’m here to talk about you.”
Another scream. Another jerk. Another click.
“Where is she?” This time, my words are clearer.
He doesn’t answer, only adjusts his glasses and sets his clipboard and pen down. Then he pulls up a chair like we’re old fucking pals or something. “She’s fine , . But, I’m wondering how you’re feeling, now that you’ve seen what she’s capable of. Do you think this is something you can just overcome?”
So that’s what this is? He’s come to thumb his nose in my fucking face like some goody two-shoes. What a pendejo . “I told you. We’re just friends.”
It’s hard to spit out the words, not only from the weight of deception behind them, but because my mouth still isn’t fully functioning after they drugged me.
“Yes, well,” he sits down, crossing one of his legs over the other before leveling a stare. “I just want you to know what you’re getting into. You have a future beyond this, . Don’t jeopardize it over her.”
The deflation in my spirit, the way I hate the feeling of defeat has me accepting what he’s telling me.
Anything to get me out of here and making sure the screams I hear aren’t hers.
Even if I know they are.
“If I say okay will you let me go?” I ask, blinking back the hot liquid that threatens to spill from my eyes as I hear another agonizing scream before thumping echoes.
“Only if you promise not to go looking for Ms. Montgomery.”
I wish I could get up from this bed and do exactly that. Along with some unsavory, violent things to anyone who tries to stop me. But this is all a game to them and for now, I’ll play by their rules.
“Okay,” I mutter, turning to give him direct eye contact, trying not to gag on a lie for this motherfucker.
He squints his eyes for a moment before nodding, as if we’re in agreement. “Very well. I like you, . I don’t want this for you. Next time, I suggest you let my staff do their jobs.”
Dr. Brown leans forward, hesitating for a moment, his glittering gaze now softened with the slight parting of his lips. He pinches a lock of my hair between his fingers and I jerk away, gritting my teeth.
“ Sucio ,” I spit out, wishing my hands were free. Knowing that if they were, I’d be covered in his blood, his teeth lodged in my knuckles.
“The sight of you laying there, unable to say no…it does something to me,” he murmurs, keeping his hands to himself. “I apologize. I’ve never experienced sexual attraction with a patient before.”
“If you touch me again, I will rip your fucking face off, maldito puto ,” I hiss, spit flying as my threat lands. My chest rises and falls as adrenaline kicks in.
He lifts a brow at my words and leans back in his chair, content just to look at me.
“It won’t happen again,” he reassures me, clasping his hands together and I wonder if it’s to keep them to himself. Is he the true monster in this room? The one who should actually be restrained?
For a while, we stare at one another, time passing as the urge to fight leaves my body. I stare up at the speckled ceiling before I allow myself to speak again, knowing how much power this man has.
“I’m not gay,” I start, swallowing down the frustration I feel that I even have to say this. “I don’t have issues with people fucking whoever they want, but I’m attracted to women.”
Dr. Brown snorts and when I glance at him, he’s running his hands over his thinning hair, smiling. Fucking eerie.
“It’s better that way, I think. I don’t need a schoolboy crush leveraging my logic,” he says before inhaling deeply and pushing out his exhale through his thin lips.
“Is that not why I’m here? Tied to the bed like I’m a danger when we both know I’m not?” I choose to look at the ceiling again, content that there are no more screams echoing down the hall.
“You think my jealousy over your connection with Rose is why you’re here?” His voice comes out in a higher octave and after a moment, his head tilted and his eyes glazing over, he continues. “Perhaps.”
Anger returns, this time less volatile as I remind myself that he’s the one standing between me and freedom.
“I won’t fuck with the staff. I’ll keep my head down. But I think you’ve got Rose all wrong.” In spite of myself, I can’t help the last part from tumbling out.
“Yes, well,” he grunts out as he stands, his eyes landing on me once more before he speaks again. “My doctorate would beg to differ. He walks out without another word and I sit in silence.
Silence. A miracle.
No mami here to pester me with her fucking opinions. But I wonder where she went. Was it the drugs that kept her away? Did they somehow force my meds into my body?
I’m unable to move and it makes me antsy as I tug against the restraints, my body lifting mere inches off the bed. I’m a big dude, so these restraints should’ve been easy for me to snap. But they must be reinforced with steel or something because as hard as I try, I’m stuck.
Eventually, just as Rose seemingly did, I lose my fight.
Sometime later, after I nearly pissed myself, I’m unstrapped and escorted to my room. Everything feels stiff and I want to crawl out of my fucking skin as we make our way toward where I sleep. Everything feels too quiet.
Be careful what you wish for.
The sun is down, the hallways are empty, and my head thumps with a headache that reminds me of a hangover without the tequila.
The slender nurse walking me is only a few inches taller than me and under other circumstances, I’d drop that motherfucker and run.
But I can’t.
I have no idea where Rose is. Is she in her bed? Is she in solitary? Is she in a bed like I was in earlier?
I wait until the smug pendejo leaves, sitting on my bed as I try to make sense of this now being my life. I have no free will; none of us here do. I can’t leave my room and find Rose unless I wait until the coast is clear.
And I do.
After a while, I get up and walk as quietly as I can toward my door. I don’t know that I can even go down to solitary without a passcode or something but I can at least walk past the room she usually sleeps in. There’s a nurse making rounds at the end of the hall and I rush toward Rose’s door. I don’t want to make noise, careful to tiptoe even though I have the grace of a fucking burro . I attempt to be as quiet as possible but I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s not in there.
The thought darkens my mind as I near her door and I can’t even fucking look, terrified that the weight of her absence will send me into a spiral.
I’ve been good. I’ve been good but mami still sees me as a piece of shit; worthless. ?Qué vergüenza! Un hijo de puta, she’d slur as her wine sloshed over her chipped cup that she’d often cut her lip on. Something about mami calling herself a whore made it easier when others called her by the same name.
But I can’t hear her right now. She’s not here and Rose needs me.
I have to pace for a second as my mind spirals, and before I lose my nerve, I peek into the small window on her door.
When I see her empty bed, my heart stutters with disappointment, wishing I could see her just so I’d know she’s all right.
In the time we’ve known one another, she’s given me humanity, friendship, and… fuck , I want to know what it’s like to kiss her.
All while I stand here, I know what solitary does to her.
I know that she counts at first to keep herself calm, a sense of faux control. But when she stops counting, that’s when she starts to lose it.
It’s been too long.
I’m certain she’s not counting and I’m not sure what I’m gonna do but I need to get us the fuck out of Silverwing.
Tomorrow I’m going to beg Dr. Brown to see her, just to make sure she’s okay. And I’ll remind him that I can calm her down. I can get her to toe his line.
I didn’t understand why Rose wanted to end her once beautiful life, but I get it now.
Silverwing is killing her the longer she stays. So, either she does the job or this fucking place does it for her.