Abel
“?”
I push her hair from her face and nod. I touch her cheeks and her face and even her lips because damn it, I can’t fucking stop. “How are you feeling? I’ve been so fucking worried, Rose.”
I want to kiss her. This is when I would kiss her, but I don’t. I just press her into me, as if I can take her in my body. My ribs, my heart, my organs, they’d protect her. They’d keep her safe from these fucking people.
I hate the look in her eyes. I fucking hate that she’s afraid and I can’t do a thing for her. I can’t protect her. I can’t fight them off.
Rose is strong, but this place is killing her and all I want to do is save her.
I can’t imagine a world without her.
The worst part is, they know this, and they might use it against us now.
Dr. Brown isn’t stupid, letting me in here to witness her wrath. He didn’t want me to come, had me standing outside the door to hear her rage and once he walked out, he glared at me for a moment before jerking his head toward her door and walking off.
The nurse opened it with a swipe of her badge and I was allowed in, if only to calm the beast.
“Rose, you have to do what they tell you to do, okay?” I rush out, leveling my gaze so she understands.
She starts to shake her head, but I nod mine and squeeze her tighter. Her beautiful fucking face is inches from mine, so close I can feel the mugginess of her sweat and tears. She starts to wriggle but I’m not having that shit. She can’t move much, and she can’t touch me in this goddamn contraption.
Still, I grab her face as gently as I can. “ Escúchame, mi espinita . If you want to get out of here, you have to. Besides, you can’t leave me upstairs alone with all of those crazy motherfuckers.” My smile is more of a question as I feel my eyes filling. What is my fucking life now? What can I even do when she’s suffering?
She fills this big empty space in me that I never knew I had, even in her misery.
And I’ll kill them all before I let them hurt her again.
“You do this,” I whisper, pressing my lips to her damp cheek, “and I’ll get us out of here. I promise, Rose. I promise , I’ll get us out of here.”
Her gasp turns into fresh tears and she nods. Her nod becomes this fervent action like it’s sealing our deal. “I felt the walls closing in, but I couldn’t count. This time, I didn’t count.” She sniffs and I wipe the tears from her face and I run my fingers through her white-golden hair.
“I couldn’t trick myself into thinking I was in control when I had no idea if you were okay,” she whispers, and it’s like I know her almost as well as I know myself, even in the months we’ve been stuck in hell together.
I’m not smart like Rose but I hear the things she isn’t saying in what she is saying. “I feel the same way,” I whisper, content to hold her, even if someone else is watching. And the way the hairs stand at the back of my neck, they are.
Or mami is. Either way, I have to protect Rose from everyone.
She sits in my arms until Dr. Brown walks in, minutes later. She’s still warm with her waning rage but I only hope she’ll trust me enough to listen to what they say.
He shoots a stare at me over his glasses, and I hesitate but I let her go.
This wasn’t part of the deal , I remind myself. Get her to calm down, to take her meds, and then make yourself scarce.
But we need to get the fuck outta here.
I can’t break into solitary. They’ve got this fucking place secured by passcodes that I could never figure out. These aren’t the kind of locks that a kid from around the way can pick.
The badges I could somehow get my hands on. I’ve been on the streets far too long to not know how to steal something like that. Credit cards, money, wallets…those were child’s play.
I figure, somewhere, someone isn’t as careful as they should be. I’ll find their mistake and I’ll get us out of here.
I just hope she can keep it together until then.
Rose is released the next day. As soon as I see her, I want to hug her and kiss her and just fucking run .
She told me that I don’t belong here. But we don’t belong here because I’ve made up my mind. I belong wherever she is.
I wait for her to pick a table to sit at, but I hover close by and ignore the staff who stare at us. To them, we’re nothing.
And to us, they’re the enemy.
It took seeing Rose in her violent glory to understand that this place doesn’t care if we ever make it out. Dr. Brown only wanted my help so he doesn’t have to worry about her trying to kill him because for the first time in my life, I understand that she will. And maybe he does have some sentimental feelings for her because he could’ve just kept her drugged until he saw fit, her screaming any time she woke up until he pricked her with the syringe needle again. A vicious cycle that he mercifully wanted to avoid.
But this still isn’t the life for her or for us.
We sit and she turns to me, her hands in her lap like she’s a proper fucking princesa and it makes me smile.
“When are we leaving?” she whispers, glancing around with those baby blue eyes of hers, always assessing.
“It might take a little bit, but you have to try not to react to people. I don’t know if they’ll let you go next time.”
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. The eyes that are already filling with tears. She’s still an emotional mess and I don’t want any of these assholes to see her this way.
Como el que oye llover, I can hear mami whisper, like a ghost, announcing her arrival.
Shut the fuck up, I yearn to yell but fight the desire with gritted teeth. I’m fully aware and I know what I’m getting myself into. Honestly, nothing has felt as worthy of a cause as this.
“Go to the bathroom,” I whisper, determined to keep her steady. “I’ll follow you there in a minute.”
She nods and takes a moment to wipe her eyes before getting up.
That’s it. Wipe your tears and tell them all to go to hell.
The nurses don’t bother looking at me when she’s not around. They blame it all on her, like I wasn’t the one that put my hands on a staff member because I fucking wanted to. I want to tell them I’m my own fucking man and she’s mine to protect now. That they shouldn’t be scared of her anymore because I’ll kill them if they touch her again.
Minutes tick on and I know a few nurses got up to follow Rose, knowing she can’t be alone, even in the restroom. But I hope that by the time I find my way to her, they’ve grown bored.
I get up and leave the room, hoping she isn’t counting. I don’t want her to ever feel that way again, like she can’t find her comfort without me. But a part of me relishes in the way we’ve sought each other out, determined to fall into something that I swear feels like suerte . Like fate, the turning of my fortune, the destiny and direction my life had been waiting for.
Moments apart feel like someone has a goddamn bag over my head. It’s that motivation that has me slinking through the hall, avoiding the eyes of the nurses who are pacing to avoid standing directly outside the restroom.
I push the door open and there she stands, quiet and uncertain, her hands clutched in front of her.
I grab at one of them and when she winces, I look down, turning her hand over and gasping at the sight of her fingertips. They’re a fucking wreck, the nails jagged and bloody.
“What…” I look her in her eyes, waiting for her to tell me what happened.
“I did this to myself,” she says before shuddering as if cold. But she doesn’t pull her hand from my hold, letting me smooth my thumb over her knuckles. “Sometimes I feel so present and nearly human…especially when you steady me. And then I’m a whole other monster and I don’t know how I can take my next breath if I don’t hurt someone.”
I pull her into the accessible stall and shut the door, determined to ease her as I slide the rickety lock in place. I’m sure it won’t keep anyone out, should they want to kick it in. But it’s a momentary pause if I need to hide.
When I turn to face Rose, she’s pressed against the wall, her eyes wide as she looks at me. It’s like she knows I want to kiss her more than I’ve wanted anything in my whole life. More than I even want to get the hell out of here.
“If I’m not allowed to be afraid of you, you don’t get to be afraid of me,” I tell her as I take one of her hands and turn it over. Her palms are smooth and unharmed, so I kiss the skin there before moving to each of her fingers. “I would never hurt you, espinita . And I don’t think you’d hurt me.”
Her eyes follow as I kiss her other fingers and she just stands there once I’m through. She doesn’t seem ready for much more, so I sink to the floor with my back against the wall and she follows suit. We sit there for a few moments and it’s nice to just exist without eyes on us.
“What’s the story behind your name?” she asks me, peering over at me.
Her question is completely unexpected, but I don’t try to make sense of the way her mind works. “ Mami named me because she said my father tried to kill me when she was pregnant with me.” I don’t tell her it’s likely because he knew I was his and couldn’t afford to have his name tarnished in the church. It doesn’t need to be said. “She was obsessed with the story for a long time.”
Rose is quiet, and she only looks ahead but I notice the way her chin quivers a little. “I’ll kill him,” she whispers, and I know she means it. Someone like Rose means it.
“He’s long gone,” I inform her, happy that he hasn’t seen me since I was seven. Happy because I know if he did see me, he wouldn’t recognize me the moment before I sucker punch him. “But he wasn’t around much to begin with.”
We’re quiet again and I’m listening to her breathing because even the sound of that makes me fucking happy.
“I have a list,” she murmurs, her eyes on her ruined hands and I wonder if she’s afraid of what I’ll think.
She doesn’t know that I’m already in too deep.
I slide my palm against hers before interlocking our fingers and warmth fills me in a way I’ve never experienced before. “Doesn’t everyone?” I ask, and she twists her lips and wiggles her nose a little. It makes it so hard not to kiss her.
“Not the way I do. I have people I’d kill if I were given the chance. And I’m not speaking hypothetically. I’ve thought about it, down to the weapon and the timing. My mother is at the top of the list.”
Her mother?
“How would you do it?” My voice is low, pero I don’t want her to think I don’t accept this part of her. I’d fucking accept all of her without judgment. I’d be her sanity, her clarity. It’d be my honor.
“Knife,” she starts, swallowing down her uncertainty before she continues. “Superficial wounds first. I’d slide my blade against her wrists vertically along the vein. Listen to her scream because no one will hear her. Talk to her a little and tell her why this is happening.”
I don’t think she realizes that she’s licked her lips a few times.
“And then, after listening to her beg…” she has a smile on her face now, “and letting her believe she has even a morsel of hope, I’d push my knife into her neck. Let the handle stick out and step back to admire my work.”
These are the things that make me wish Rose weren’t in here. She has all day to plot these things. If I ever got us out of here, I wouldn’t want her to waste time with her fucking list. Fuck that list.
She talks about it with a passion that I envy though. She can detail every moment of her fantasies with each person that’s ever wronged her, and I can detail every moment of my fantasies with her. Free. Content.
I picture the way I’d touch her and kiss her. It’d be hard to keep from fucking mauling her, pero Dios, I’d try. I’d kiss her pussy too, because girls like Rose deserve that.
I bet that if I sucked on her skin, it’d turn a pretty pink shade. Como una rosa.
“Do I scare you?” she asks, her words quiet but clear and she waits until after she’s asked to look at me again.
I stare at her because if she knew what I’d just been thinking, she’d probably be afraid of me . She doesn’t scare me the way she scares other people. I’m not afraid of her viciousness. I’m afraid of whatever the fuck I’m feeling.
“Not the way you think,” I tell her because I don’t know if she can handle the rest of what I’m thinking. “Do I scare you?”
She twists her lips again, as if fighting a smile, and this time I do lean closer. Her eyes widen but she doesn’t move away. Her body stays exactly where it is as I lean in to kiss her. My fingers press into her skin, where her jaw meets her neck and she licks her lips quickly.
Then it’s just us. Lips against lips, skin against skin.
She offers up a peck at first, but I want more. Fuck , I want it all.
I press my lips against hers again and again and I don’t back away. My lips move and my face tilts to have better access to her mouth. I feel her fingers slide under my scratchy blue shirt, dig into the flesh at my back, and drag her nails down my sides. I break the kiss to groan under the slight pain of her jagged nails against my bare skin before doubling back and kissing her with more force.
More, more, more.
I want to be more important than her list. I want her to fantasize about me the way I fantasize about her. I want to wrap her golden strands between my fingers and fuck the violence from her body.
But I also want to accept her the way she is.
I’m torn between wanting her to be normal and reminding myself that “normal” is a fucking nightmare. No quiero esa mierda . Fuck that.
I just want Rose. Her lips. Her body. Her love.
Her rage. Her thirst.
Take it out on my body, espinita . I’ll be that for you.
She’s still digging her nails into me and I’m still kissing her like I’m fucking her mouth with mine.
She’s starting to pull back and I let her go. We’re both out of breath but I lean back, and I look at her.
I like the way she looks, all flustered and dazed. I like knowing that I made her look that way. Her lips are swollen because of me. Her eyes are wide because of me. She’s flushed and pressing her thighs together because of me.
If we were anywhere else, I’d cup her pussy and tell her that she’s mine.
“I didn’t think I was…” she whispers, trailing off before launching herself at me again.
And while we kiss, I feel like I’m closer to the person I was before coming here. I can feel shit and my body is fucking humming with a need that I hadn’t realized I had inside.
I feel like a whole person again. Less like a ghost and more like a solidified being.
Suerte , I think as I run my fingers through her blonde hair and stare at her. She has to be fresh luck for me, destiny.
She is golden and rosy, and I’m her fucking puppet.
I would do anything for this ruthless girl.