CHAPTER 48 Second Chances
“Sorry about showing up unannounced,” he said, his hair peppered with more grays than when I saw him last. “May I come in?”
“Um, yeah. Of course.” I swung the door open to let him through, and he waited for me to shut the door before following me to the living room. He regarded the flowers around us with interest but refrained from asking about them. “I’m sorry about the mess. I had people over for lunch.” The dirty plates, serving bowls, and cutlery were still waiting to be taken to the kitchen sink.
“Ah, I see.”
We sat in the living room across from each other, and I waited for him to initiate the conversation after I offered him something to drink and he declined.
After a moment of staring at each other expectantly, he finally spoke. “I miss you, kiddo.” His gaze softened in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. “And I’m here to apologize. About everything.”
Stunned, I fought back the urge to swallow the sudden swell of emotion. And instead, I dragged air into my lungs in a slow, calming way.
“I’ve been proud and controlling, and I see that now,” he continued. “I am so sorry for not attending your exhibit and graduation. Miss Patty indeed relayed the invitation to me. So, I’m not here to make any excuses. I just thought it was best if I didn’t go. I thought you’d prefer it if I didn’t.”
“I would lie if I told you I was expecting you to show up,” I said, not in the interest of wanting to hurt him but because he and I were past tiptoeing around each other. And if he was here to talk, it was best to do so in the most honest way possible. Besides, if he had trouble showing up for events when we were “good,” how was I to expect him to attend an event when we weren’t on speaking terms?
Had a small part of me hoped that he would? Yes. But he wasn’t wrong; I preferred he hadn’t, especially after William made a last-minute surprise appearance.
The pain in my dad’s eyes was visible. And still, I was reluctant to believe him entirely. I’d learned with experience my dad didn’t do anything without having a hidden agenda. And I feared he was apologizing for some ulterior motive. I feared he wasn’t being genuine.
Handling another disappointment wasn’t something I thought I could endure. I’d grieved our relationship and had slowly come to terms with the fact that these were the cards I’d been dealt with. Not everyone gets to have a fabulous relationship with their parents. Thanks to my long conversations with William regarding the subject and countless hours of therapy later, I had finally understood and accepted my fate.
“I don’t blame you.” He gave a breathy chuckle and let his head hang for a moment before his eyes zeroed in on me again. “I can sense your hesitation. And I know everything that happened cannot be remedied or forgotten with apologetic words. But if you let me, I would love to gain back your trust and try to start over fresh. From the bottom up. At whatever pace and terms you feel comfortable with.”
Fuck, he seemed genuine. I don’t think he’d ever admitted to being wrong or apologized in this matter in the past. He had a big ego, and it must’ve taken a lot for him to come here and acknowledge his wrongdoings.
“I’m still with William,” I said, a reminder that he had to accept and support my relationship if he wanted to patch things up with me.
“I know.” He smoothed a hand over his navy-blue tie and leaned in, tapping the tips of his fingers against each other. “With the intention of maintaining the same level of candor in the conversation, I have to admit I still have my reservations about him being the best option for you. But I am willing to respect William and your decision to be with him without getting in the way.”
At least he was being honest. He hadn’t changed, but I could see he was making an effort to adjust his behavior and keep his arrogance in check to keep the peace. I could work with that. He didn’t need to be 100% convinced about William. All I needed was for him to respect us.
A part of me was screaming inside my head that I shouldn’t do this. That I should accept his apology but keep my distance. But he was my family, so I had to give him at least one last shot.
“It’s going to take time,” I admitted. “I don’t know how to make things go back to the way they were.”
“And I’m not expecting that.” He shook his head slowly. “You deserve a better father. One that is present not just when it matters to you the most but always. And I know I want that. I want—” He trailed off and turned away for a moment. “I already lost your mother.” His voice cracked like I’d never witnessed before. He was devastated and swamped by despair when she died, but he had always displayed the ability to summon a reassuring and supernatural strength whenever he talked to me in the past about her. And at the time, it made me feel like everything would be all right. That we were going to get through it together. “The thought of losing you forever is unbearable.”
My eyes burned as the pooling tears issued their initial warning.
He stood and rounded the coffee table, taking the space beside me.
“I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize that.” He ran his arms around me in a gentle embrace, and I gave into it as tears finally streamed down my cheeks. “Please forgive me, kiddo.” He was crying, too. I’d never in my life seen him cry, not even at my mother’s funeral. He had kept a stoic demeanor throughout the service, and even if I knew he’d mourned her, he must’ve done so privately in an attempt to appear strong for my sake.
“Of course.” I nodded against his chest while the little girl inside of me rejoiced in the proximity of her father, the one she thought she had but slowly lost along the way. And now, an opportunity to have him back on new terms had arisen, and she wouldn’t pass up on it.
I couldn’t.
“I squeezed too hard out of fear of losing you, too.” He released the embrace, and as he brushed the tears off his cheeks, my phone’s alarm pierced through the air, startling us both, cutting through the cathartic moment like a hot knife through butter.
I sprang to my feet and headed to the dining room to retrieve my phone and silence the alarm. “I need to head out. Mass starts in twenty minutes, and I want to walk to St. Patrick’s.”
“I would love to come with you.” He stood and dusted the flaps of his jacket, his eyes narrowing with cautious expectation. “Only if you feel like it.”
He’d stood me up so many times in the past that I had stopped asking him to join me. But I wanted nothing more than to share this special day with him. With someone who knew and loved my mom and felt the weight of her absence.
Baby steps, I told myself. And without sounding too enthusiastic or apathetic, I said, “Let’s go,” and offered him a genuine smile.
I texted Aaron to let him know I was ready to leave as we took the elevator to the lobby. Big Mike stood outside by the car, and my dad instructed him to meet us at St. Patrick’s while Aaron followed us on foot.
On our way there, we talked about my job, about how much I liked it, and about how great it felt to earn my own money. He offered to reinstate my credit cards, but I kindly refused, explaining how I’d been learning to administer myself without failing to credit William’s generosity in covering many expenses when I fell short. Including my last semester at Parsons and the credits I earned during the summer, emphasizing my eagerness to pay him back someday.
When I told him I was paying rent on the apartment, his baffled reaction made me laugh for the first time since he had arrived at my apartment.
I had to explain how I had coerced William to accept my money after a few rounds of aggressive negotiation.
“That’s my girl,” he said, pressing a kiss to my temple as we stopped at a pedestrian crossing. He didn’t appreciate my decision to spend money on rent, yet he understood why I chose to do things my way. He even confessed to secretly admiring William’s move to buy the apartment without his knowledge. It had infuriated him and made him look like a fool, but he gave him credit for the business acumen, nonetheless.
Teasingly, I pressed my hand on my dad’s forehead, and he laughed a heartwarming and open laugh that made my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. It was as if aliens had abducted him and rewired his brain before sending him back to Earth.
We arrived at St. Patrick’s Cathedral with a few minutes to spare, and before we took the stairs to the main entrance, I stopped and grabbed his arm. “Promise me one thing,” I said.
“Anything, kiddo.”
“No more secrets?”
He pressed his lips together and shook his head with steadfast determination. “No more secrets.”