CHAPTER 55 The Path To Resentment
After my dad left, I drank the Coke William had brought earlier, brushed my teeth, and showered. William joined me, claiming he was “terrified” I would faint again. I had zero complaints. So I let him shampoo my hair and lather my body in complete silence. Neither of us spoke a word, and I was thankful for it. I needed a moment of serenity, and William’s fingers massaging my scalp under the hot spray of water not only provided that but needed to be added as an additional definition in the dictionary.
I was still mentally overwhelmed by the events of the night, grappling not only with the confrontation between Agent Mark and my dad but also with the situation regarding William.
Additionally, I hadn’t forgotten Arabella’s texts and how much they had affected me. I didn’t know how to stop the doubts and insecurities screaming inside my head, demanding attention like a runaway shopping cart heading for a parked car.
As I downed the glass of water William had left on my nightstand, he returned from his room after brushing his teeth. He was wearing nothing but black cotton shorts. Tiny water droplets trickled from the tips of his damp hair onto his bare chest.
There was never a moment I wasn’t in complete awe of him.
The moments I spent with William were always the easiest, happiest, and most fulfilling. I loved and admired his capacity to disconnect and be fully present. It always made up for the longing after months apart. That knowledge kept me going whenever he left. He would be back someday, and I would have all of him. His attention, his words, his body, his heart.
“I’m not asking you to stay, but I feel like you’re leaving at the worst possible moment,” I said, giving my back to him as I set the empty glass back on my nightstand.
William crawled on the bed behind me and wrapped his arms around my chest, pulling me back against him into a spooning position. “I don’t want to leave either. I want to be here for you.” He tangled his leg with mine and tucked my hair behind my ear, pressing a soft kiss on my cheek.
“You always are, even when you’re away.” I grabbed his hand and kissed it, clutching it close to my chest like a security blanket. “Do you think we’re destined to repeat our parents’ patterns?”
“No,” he replied quickly. “Of course not.”
“I can’t stop thinking about the inevitability of it,” I confessed, our spooning position making it easier to talk without being distracted or hypnotized by William’s gaze. “If we could somehow go back in time and watch how our parents’ love stories began, I bet we’d be swooning. The courtship, the butterflies in the stomach, the moment they realized the love was reciprocated.
“And after the honeymoon phase came full circle, something must’ve initiated the deterioration of the relationships, like a Trojan horse in the form of a first big argument that made them realize they weren’t as compatible as they thought they were. Then, promises weren’t kept, leading to disappointment, loneliness, and an inevitable desire to fulfill their emotional needs with someone willing to do that for them.
“But they kept going because, at some point, they started having kids, so even if more problems arose, they stayed for them. Fought to make it work for them.” I stopped to breathe, and William waited, as if sensing I wasn’t done yet. “The idealization ended. Feelings changed. Lovers were brought into the equation. And the marriages broke apart.”
“And you think that’s the path we’re destined to follow because that’s how it went for our parents?”
“That’s probably how it goes for most couples when I come to think of it,” I said, my voice turning sad and bitter. “No wonder fifty percent of marriages end up in divorce.”
“Let’s never get married then,” William whispered in my ear, making my skin react.
“And they say romance is dead,” I joked, earning me a playful retaliation as William began tickling me. He was the most thoughtful and romantic person I knew. “Stop!” He twirled me on the bed so I would face him. I ran a hand through his hair and combed it away from his face with my fingers. “Do you think about having kids one day?”
“All the time.” He hooked his finger on the elastic waistband of my pajama shorts, tugging them down in a slow, torturous way. “How about we start right now?”
“Ha, ha.” I used all the self-control I could muster to slap his hand away. I couldn’t give in to his charms right now. There were important things that needed to be discussed before he left for God knew how many months.
“I do think about having kids one day,” he admitted, offering me a naughty smile. “Three.”
My jaw dropped. “Three?” I squeaked, making William laugh.
“At least,” he reiterated. “How about you?”
I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling, resting my hands on my stomach. “Marriage terrifies me. And I don’t have experience dealing with children. So those terrify me as well.” I let out a sad, nervous chuckle. “I think the possibility of failing miserably at both is what gives me pause. And when I look at you …” I turned to face him again, to cup his gorgeous face between my hands. “It makes me want to ignore my internal alarms and just do and try everything with you, and I think that’s even more terrifying because I would never want to make you feel trapped or obligated to be with me. And knowing how and when to let go of the person you love is something I don’t know if I’ll ever learn to do when it comes to you.”
William hugged me tight against his chest. “Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?”
“Because you’re leaving tomorrow,” I lied. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to him. Ever. And that was the point. A part of me thought it would be easier to end things now rather than ten years down the road with a few innocent kids in the mix. But I needed to let my fears and insecurities run wild, or I would never find it in me to connect with this vulnerable part of me if I restrained it. I would shut it away and proceed to ignore it. But it would inevitably flare up if given the chance.
“What if you get sick of me?” I continued with the speculations. “What if, down the road, you find plain old non-celebrity me not as exciting, young, or beautiful as any of your stunning co-stars who would be willing to sign away whatever NDA you provide them to make your wildest dreams come true at the snap of your fingers.”
“You are my wildest dream, Guillermina,” he said, his warm, minty breath caressing my face like a promise.
“I might be now, but you have so much temptation surrounding you. You have so many options to choose from. There are so many women willing to do whatever it takes to take my place, and if that happened, I don’t think I’d ever recover from the devastation.”
“And you don’t think I feel the same way?” he mused. “That you will get sick of me being away all the time? Sick of the tabloid gossip? You don’t think I’m afraid you will eventually grow lonely, and someone will show up and sweep you off your feet? Someone who will give you a more stable and predictable life? Someone that—”
“All I’ll ever want is you,” I stopped him. “And I know you think that, too. That I’m all you’ll ever want. But I don’t know how to stop being afraid. Your dad cheated on your mom multiple times and even had Zara on the side. My dad cheated on my mom. My mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant.” My voice trembled with the reminder of the baby that never got to live. I pressed my eyes with the ball of my hands and rubbed them. “We both have the cheating gene in our DNA, so what if we can’t help ourselves just as our parents couldn’t?”
“I don’t think that’s a proven scientific theory.” William chuckled. “Fidelity is a choice. There’s always a choice, a moment when you’re standing on the threshold, and you either walk in or walk away. And I promise, as long as you and I are together, I won’t even get near that threshold.”
“But you have so many thresholds running around you,” I joked with a hiccup as a few rogue tears streamed down my emotionally spent face. William snorted a laugh and hugged me again.
“So what then?” He kissed my collarbone.
“We roll the dice and hope for the best.” I shrugged.
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
“We take it day by day,” I said. “We make the active decision to choose each other, and if even an outline of a threshold appears, we’ll let the other know before we even think of crossing it.” I leaned in and pressed a kiss on the edge of his lips. “You shouldn’t feel obligated to be with me as much as I shouldn’t feel obligated to be with you. We have to be realistic about our situation. Spending so much time apart is not ideal, especially when your work involves kissing other people and pretending to be intimate with them. All we can do is promise each other to be open and honest about where we stand along the way.”
He sighed.
I sighed.
“What if we removed the distance variable from the equation?” he proposed. “Let’s take a chance and go to L.A. together after I’m done with the press tour.”
“William, we’ve talked about this.”
“I know, but you’ve graduated, and I could help you get a job in any magazine you choose. And when I’m done with the MC Comics films in a few years, we can come back to New York or stay in L.A.—whatever you want.”
I stared into William’s eyes, silently considering his plan. A part of me wanted to take that leap of faith and end the agony of being apart for so long, but where would it get me? I needed to reel in the impulse to please him and consider my true feelings. I’d sacrificed so much freedom to do and be and move around in the past and witnessed firsthand what following my dad’s footsteps did to my mother.
We had established we weren’t our parents and wouldn’t allow ourselves to make the same mistakes, but I was still scared of losing myself in the process of letting go of my dreams to follow William’s.
New York was where I wanted to be, and I knew William felt the same way. Whenever he left, he went on and on about how much he missed New York, how the West Coast culture wasn’t his thing, and how he missed the snow in the winter. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a choice, but I did.
In a few days, Abigail Jennings would interview Maya Chen, a famous contemporary artist known for her boundary-pushing work. She specialized in installations that challenged traditional notions of art and provoked deep reflection on cultural and societal issues. Abigail wanted me to be present for all the interviews to learn more about the person’s life and career, making it easier for me to capture their essence. Maya Chen would be the first person to sit for a portrait, and I was freaking pumped.
Amidst all the drama and the unveiled secrets of the past few hours, the idea of being involved in this project gave me a reason to want to push ahead despite the emotional turmoil. I couldn’t let myself get stuck in the slimy puddles of my past, but I realized I had control over my future.
I knew I could get another job in L.A. with William’s help, but I’d landed this one on my own, and that ought to count for something. This was my dream job. Even if it wasn’t making me rich, it could help me gain more recognition as a photographer in the long run.
“I want to say yes because I hate denying you anything,” I said as I straightened and sat cross-legged next to William, who rolled on his back and placed his hands behind his head to look at me. “I read all these romance novels where men keep telling women they want to give them the moon, the sun, the stars. And I get the feeling. I would give you the universe if you didn’t already have it at your feet.” William shook his head, but I continued before he dared to deny my scientifically approved affirmations.
“If I leave New York and follow you to L.A.,” I continued. “Somewhere down the road, I’m going to resent you—just as much as you would have resented me if you had rejected the four-movie MC Comic deal to avoid moving to the West Coast and complicating our relationship dynamic.” I paused, letting my words sink in. “This is what I meant earlier when we talked about the Gustav Wagner role you rejected to avoid associating yourself with Arabella for my sake. As thankful as I am that you won’t have to work with that woman, I fear you’ll come to regret it one day and put the blame on me.”
“I would never blame you for my choices.”
“As long as you’re choosing these things for yourself.”
William took his hands to his face and ran his fingers through his hair. “Fuck, I know. We’ve talked about you coming with me in the past. I know New York is your home. I know how excited you are about your new job and how much you love having Cecile and the rest of your friends around. It wouldn’t be fair to rob you of that.”
I crawled over him, leveling my face with his and taking it between my hands. My heart ached so much from having to accept our fate that if he had asked me to go with him one more time, I would’ve probably damned it all to hell and caved in. But he didn’t.
“I wish we had it easier.”
“I know,” I said. We had to follow our paths and keep choosing each other every day until they merged. And they would. I knew in my heart that they would. “We should never haggle away our dreams for the sake of comfort.”