Chapter Twenty-One
Our last wake-up.
Shane heaved a quiet sigh and stared at the ceiling. Next to him, Matt still slept peacefully on his stomach, his hand curled tightly in his pillow. In a few short minutes, Shane would rouse him and they’d be on their way back to San Diego.
He rolled to his side and put his hand gently on Matt’s back. He didn’t move.
“Wore you out last night, did I?” Hot, possessive satisfaction shot through him, even as it was tinged with an aching sense of loss.
Does this really have to be the end?
“Is it time to get up?” Matt’s husky voice startled him, and Shane looked down to see sleepy dark eyes blinking up at him.
“Almost.” Shane continued to rub circles up and down his back. “Unless you wanna say ‘fuck it’ and run away with me.”
“Where would we go?” Pushing up to one elbow, Matt leaned in for a kiss. “Spending a few years in Leavenworth for desertion isn’t my idea of romantic.”
“Yeah, I guess not.”
With one last brush of his lips, Matt got out of bed and disappeared into the shower. Shane wallowed for a few more minutes, reluctantly getting up when Matt emerged to drag his suitcase from the closet.
They got ready in silence. Shane braced himself for Matt to push him away, to try some of that same bullshit he had at the beginning of their trip, vastly relieved when nothing happened except for a brief spat at the checkout counter.
“This is my Christmas present to you. I have all the house money, Soup,” he explained, waving away Matt’s credit card and ignoring his fierce glare.
All too soon they were on the road, Vegas slowly fading from the rearview mirror. They didn’t talk much, and Shane tuned the satellite radio to an alternative rock station, tapping his fingers softly on the steering wheel as he drove.
They stopped at a gas station just outside the California state line. While Shane pumped, Matt headed into the little store to grab them some Cokes. Ice-cold cans in hand, they wandered toward a picnic area off to the side and perched on a table, feet resting on the benches.
Shane studied Matt’s profile, wondering what he was thinking about. Training, no doubt. Or maybe how relieved he was that this week was finally over, that he’d at last gotten Shane out of his system.
He wasn’t out of Shane’s system. In fact, he wouldn’t get tired of anything about him—his prickliness, his intelligence, the easy, teasing affection he’d shown he was capable of…the way he played Shane’s body like a finely tuned instrument.
“I want this.”
Shane didn’t realize he’d spoken aloud, wincing when Matt turned to him, one eyebrow raised quizzically. “What?”
Fingers tightening on his soda can, for a moment Shane considered pretending he’d meant something else, or that he hadn’t even spoken at all. Fuck this shit.
He nudged Matt’s shoulder with his own. “I want this,” he repeated softly. “I want you.”
I want your honesty, your loyalty. He sucked in a deep breath as the truth swept over him. Yeah, I’ll admit it. I want your love.
With a searching look at him, Matt put his can down on the table next to him, then leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees. “How would a relationship between us ever work, Shane?”
Shane mirrored his pose. “Exactly the way it does now. Whatever time we can get, we take.”
“You deserve more than—”
“Than what? Someone who gets me?” Shane reached over to touch Matt’s thigh. “Someone I trust more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my entire life?”
Matt bit his lip. “Shane—”
“I know we’re SEALs first, but don’t you think maybe there’s room in our lives to be boyfriends, too?”
Matt groaned.
“I’m not asking for promises or guarantees, Soup. I’m not that fucking stupid.”
“That’s debatable.”
Shane squeezed his thigh in admonishment. “It’s gonna boil down to quality versus quantity time; I get it. But I want this.”
“Quality time?” Matt reached down to toy with Shane’s fingers. “You know we’ll be able to measure the quality time we get on one hand, Shane.”
“And maybe that’s enough for me.”
They turned to face each other, and Shane could just see the words trembling on his lips. “Okay, you first. Out with it,” he said drily, bracing himself for Matt’s usual bluntness and honesty. “Tell me more about what I deserve.”
“Why are you doing this?”
Shane gaped at him, not comprehending. “Doing what?”
“Going through BUD/S. Trying to become a SEAL.”
It was the absolute last thing Shane had expected him to say, and he flailed for a response, his mouth opening and closing uselessly.
“Because not once in all the time we’ve talked about it have I heard you give me a reason.”
Shane found his voice. “You’re full of shit. Yes, I did.”
“No. You didn’t.” Matt’s gaze was steady. “You told me you ‘had your reasons’ and you ‘wanted to be a part of something bigger than yourself.’”
“Well, fuck you. Isn’t that enough?”
“No.” Matt shook his head implacably. “Not when you told me you went and joined the Marines out of spite. No one who dreams of being a SEAL would do that.”
Anxiety starting to bubble through his veins, Shane pulled away from him and stood. “Let’s go—”
Matt stood, too, moving around in front of him.
“Jon left you behind. Same as the church social, he left you behind without a backward glance, but this time, rather than follow along like a good little dog, excusing him, rationalizing his behavior, you said ‘fuck you’ and went to go do something else.” He paused, his eyes softening.
“Being a SEAL wasn’t your dream, was it, Shane? It was his.”
Shane could feel himself trembling, memories assaulting him from all sides, tears springing to the surface. Matt slid his palms up Shane’s chest to rest them on his shoulders. “So…why are you here?” He stroked his thumbs along his collarbone. “Talk to me.”
Shane blinked rapidly, his voice tight. “You bastard.”
“I know.” Matt kept up the soothing touch. “Although, let me remind you that you said my bluntness was one of the things you liked about me.”
“Dammit.” Dashing the back of his hand across his eyes, Shane growled, “You gonna throw everything I’ve ever said to you back in my face at some point?”
“Probably.” Matt quirked his lips. “Believe it or not, this is actually my way of showing I care.”
“I believe it.” With an unsteady sigh, Shane sank back down to the table. “Jon was like you in a lot of ways.”
Matt bristled. “Stop comparing me to that douche—”
“Shut up, I’m not. But same as you, he’d grown up around SEALs. Everything he did was done with the goal of enlisting and going to BUD/S.”
“And where he went, you were gonna go.”
“Yeah.” Shane stared unseeingly at the bench his feet rested on. “He was everything I wasn’t, Matt. Sophisticated, worldly, well traveled. I was enthralled from the first moment I met him.”
“Who wouldn’t be?”
“He could totally be a prick, but he had a way of making you forget that. After the church social thing, he showed up at my house begging forgiveness, inviting me to punch him in the face and break his nose.”
“You were a good friend,” Matt said softly. “He’s the one who sucked.” He put his hand on Shane’s back. “And you’re here now because he died, aren’t you?”
Tears rushed to Shane’s eyes again. “It’s stupid, but I can’t help but think, if I’d been there, I could have made a difference.” A storm of emotion swirled, threatening to break free. With all his strength, he beat it back, sucking in great gulps of air.
“It’s not your fault.” Matt wrapped his arm around Shane’s shoulders tightly, the sound of his deep voice cutting through the roaring in his ears.
“When he ditched you to enlist, you had every fucking reason in the world to be angry. Your feelings mattered, Shane, even if he’d already made you think, over and over, that they didn’t.
That he died doesn’t negate the fact that this guy seems like a user and an asshole. ”
“You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead—”
Matt scoffed. “I’ll call an asshole what he is, even if he did die a hero.” His voice softened. “I won’t diminish his sacrifice for his country, ever. But as a friend, and probably a fiancé, he blew chunks.”
“So what, you’re afraid I’m looking at you as some sort of second-chance thing? Is that it?”
“No.” It was Matt’s turn to sigh. “Can I be honest here? No, wait. Don’t answer that, sorry.”
Shane barked out a laugh. “Lay it on me. I can take it.”
“Okay, here it is. I’m not gonna get any more involved with you if you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. It’s not fair to either one of us, and if I’m gonna fall for you, I need to know, number one, that you’re over Jon the Giant Douche and—”
Shane’s heart started to pound. “Fall for me?” he interrupted. “You think you could fall for me?”
“Pretty much all I need at this point is one big push,” Matt snapped. “But you know I won’t take that fall unless I’m good and ready.” He huffed. “We’re talking about you, anyway, not me, so leave me alone.”
“Noted.” Shane bit back the stupid grin that threatened to break over his face. “And what’s number two?”
“Number two is you have to decide if life in the teams is really what you want. What you want, Shane.” Now Matt’s voice was achingly gentle.
“And what if I don’t? You gonna think I’m a quitter?” Shane held his breath, blowing it out in a rush when Matt shot him an incredulous look.
“Are you serious? I know you well enough by now to know you’re not a fuckin’ quitter of any kind.” He leaned over and kissed Shane’s cheek. “Whatever you decide, just promise me you’ll do what’s best for you, okay? Fuck everyone else, me included.”
Shane couldn’t hold back his grin anymore. “Hey. You really do care.”
“Yeah. Maybe. I guess.” With that, Matt pushed Shane away and stood. “Now let’s get out of here before I say something super mushy.”
He strode toward the car, Shane right behind him, and he hooked his fingers in Matt’s back jeans pocket as they walked. “Mushy Matt. I like it.”
Matt shot him a severe look. “Don’t get used to it, clown.”