Chapter Twenty-Three
Whoa.
The tension in the room hit astronomical levels.
Instinctively Matt stood and took Libby from Shane’s unresisting arms, bearing her off to the guest room where a small portable crib was still set up next to the bed.
Hoping he was doing it right, he laid her down gently on her back, and with a snuffle she rolled immediately to her belly, little bottom up in the air.
Tiptoeing out, he closed the door gently and then leaned against the wall next to it, not wanting to intrude on whatever was going on between Shane and his sister, although he could hear every word.
“Lex, why? How?”
“Because the antibiotics I’ve been taking for my arm lowered the effectiveness of the pill. Nobody told me and I didn’t know, okay? It was an accident.”
Matt could hear Shane blow out a breath.
“I’m happy, though,” Alexis went on defiantly. “I love him and I want this baby.”
“Does he?” Shane’s voice was hard. “Listen to yourself. You tell him he’s gonna be a father and he’s so freaked out, the first thing he does is fall off the wagon. Is this the way it’s gonna be with him, having to coddle and ease him into shit?”
“Maybe it is.” Alexis’s tone matched his. “Maybe that’ll be our reality, that I have to learn to pick my words and timing of things carefully for his sake. If that’s what he needs, I’ll gladly do it. Because I love him.”
There was a deafening silence.
Finally Alexis grunted. “I’m so sick of this. So sick of you judging me.”
“I’m not judging you—”
“Yes, you are! Because I had what you wanted and I threw it all away. Right?”
No reply from Shane, just dead silence.
“Did you know that Jon used to laugh at you? No, wait. That’s not true. It wasn’t laughter, it was pity. Pity for your sad little crush on the straight boy.”
Matt flinched. He peered around the corner, biting his lip when he saw Shane standing rigidly, white as a sheet.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t ever going to tell you about that,” Alexis said tonelessly, “but it’s so obvious to me you won’t take him down off that fucking hero pedestal unless you know the truth.”
Still no response from Shane.
“News flash: He didn’t love you,” Alexis spat. “He didn’t love me. He only loved himself.”
Shane’s hands clenched at his sides. “Lex…”
Alexis was shaking now. “Did you know I never got a visit from the Navy when he died? Can you guess why? Because he never bothered to add me to his paperwork as next of kin.” She choked on an angry sob.
“I found out later he never even told his parents we were engaged. I meant that little to him, Shane.” She gave a mirthless laugh.
“I’m so glad I let him leave on deployment without telling him about the baby. She’s mine, not his. Never his.”
“Oh, honey…” Shane took a step toward her but Alexis held up her hand.
“No, stop. You know what? I can’t deal with this right now.” She took a ragged breath. “Do me a favor and just go back to your barracks room tonight. I promise I’ll go home in the morning, but for now just—just leave me alone. Please.”
Matt held his breath as Shane trembled in place, then with a stiff nod he turned and strode out the door. Taking a step after him, Matt hesitated and looked down at Alexis, who was weeping quietly.
“G-go after him, Matt,” she choked, a look of self-loathing crossing her face. “He’ll need you.”
With a nod, Matt ran out of the house. Shane wasn’t on the porch, or next to the car, so Matt peered wildly around, at last catching a glimpse of him far off in the distance. Thanking God he was wearing his athletic shoes and Shane jeans and civilian boots, Matt sprinted after him.
After all that running they’d done in boots and utes, though, Matt could never quite catch up to him. He lost sight of him and slowed, relief swamping him when he spotted Shane charging through the sand on the beach as if he was going to run right into the water.
Matt darted after him, calling his name. When he reached him, Shane was standing calf-deep in the surf, the waves surging up against his thighs. He was breathing hard, muscles bunched, fists clenched at his sides.
“Shane,” Matt whispered, and as if a spell had been broken, Shane threw his head back and howled up at the sky.
“Damn you, Jon!” he shouted. “Fuck you for hurting her like this!”
Despite Shane’s coiled fury, Matt took a few steps toward him, stumbling back when Shane whirled, swinging. “Get away from me, Soup.”
“No.”
Shane advanced on him, his eyes burning with grief and guilt. “Leave me alone.”
“No.”
Matt ducked when Shane swung again, and he drove his shoulder into Shane’s chest, taking him safely down to the sand.
They grappled, Shane’s blows wild but largely ineffective.
They glanced off Matt’s shoulders, his chest, until at last Shane clutched on to him, fists twisted in Matt’s shirt, his breaths sounding raw and painful.
Matt stroked his hair and whispered nonsense words as Shane sagged against him, his face buried in Matt’s neck. Finally Shane sighed, pushing away from him to sit up and prop his forearms on his upraised knees, head hanging.
“I’m sorry,” he rasped, his voice rough with emotion. He wiped impatiently at the beads of blood that were welling up in the cut on his brow, though his eyes were dry as a bone. “Did I hurt you?”
“Nah,” Matt scoffed, reaching out to run his palm up and down Shane’s back. “Clowns can’t hit.”
Shane huffed a strangled-sounding laugh at that, so Matt slid his arm all the way around him and put his head down on his shoulder, just holding him.
“He used to kiss me sometimes, you know,” Shane whispered, “when he was drunk. If he was between girlfriends, or lonely, or sad, he’d come to me for—”
Shane tensed, and Matt rubbed his thumb over his upper arm, anger at Jon’s selfishness clogging his throat. “You don’t have to say it, babe. I can guess.”
“He’d tell me he loved me, that he needed me.
Then he’d meet some girl and off he’d go, until the next time.
” Shane sucked in a ragged breath. “We were home on summer break after our sophomore year of college when Alexis walked in, eighteen and gorgeous, no longer that chubby brace-face who used to follow us around, annoying us. Jon took one look and—”
Matt kissed his shoulder, just listening, his gut telling him that Shane had never talked about this before, with anyone.
“I think he wanted to love her, Matt. She’s smart, kind, beautiful, and he’d known her for half his life.
He tried, he really did…for a while.” His voice hardened.
“Eventually, after we were back at school, he’d bring girls to our apartment again, not even trying to hide it. I’d hear them fucking in his room.”
Fury surged through Matt and he struggled to keep his tone even. “You didn’t want to tell Lex?”
“How could I?” Shane burst out, anguished. “When she was so young, so innocent, so in love? And when he—”
“When he still crawled into your bed,” Matt said gently, his heart aching for them both.
Shane shook his head emphatically. “No. I put a stop to the sex the minute he got involved with my sister. But he still tried.” He swallowed hard. “He’d come home drunk, push me up against the wall, kiss me. Beg me.”
“Putting all the responsibility on you to stop it.”
“Yeah.” Shane closed his eyes. “But sometimes I’d let him, just a little bit, because I wanted—I wanted…
” He trailed off before his voice strengthened.
“Then one night he told me he’d had to break it off with Lex because he knew he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.
That he wanted to go into the SEALs with no ties, except for me, of course. Since we were joining together.”
Matt could see where this was going, and he fought not to tense. He rubbed Shane’s arm, letting him get it all out.
“He cried about breaking her heart, so I tried to comfort him. We ended up having sex and I held him all night long.”
Of course you did. My sweet, compassionate baby.
“What a manipulative son of a bitch he was. He used you, and then the very next night announced his engagement and the fact he’d joined without you, right?”
“Yeah.” Shane stared out over the ocean. “He knew that’d be the end of our friendship but he didn’t really care. He was going into a new life with the SEALs. I doubt he ever intended to marry Alexis, either, but he liked the idea of having someone waiting for him.”
And he didn’t want his guilty little secret enlisting with him. Jon, if you weren’t already dead, I’d fucking kill you myself.
“No, he never cared,” Matt said softly. “But he knew you did, so he took advantage of that for his own pleasure and ego boost. Those type of people are toxic, and it’s not your fault, Shane.”
“I remember one time lying there watching him sleep, and thinking, ‘How did I manage to catch this bolt of lightning?’ That’s what he was, streaking into my life with a lot of flash and bang.
I was so goddamn infatuated, so fucking stupid.
I let him use me, knowing that’s all he was doing.
I let him use my sister, because I wanted to believe him when he said he loved her. ”
Shane disentangled himself from Matt and got to his feet, his pant legs caked with sand, his boots squishing as he walked away to stand right at the edge of the crashing surf. After a moment’s hesitation, Matt joined him, and they stood there shoulder to shoulder, hands stuffed in their pockets.
“I know you hate when I say this, but you’re so much like him in a lot of ways.”
“Shane—”
Shane nudged him. “Let me finish. All the best qualities in him I see in you. Your intelligence, your ambition, your love for the SEALs and your country.” His voice cracked.
“But you’re also everything he wasn’t: Caring, and kind, and loyal.
I never trusted him, but I trust you with everything.
My secrets, my fears…my heart. I love you. ”