15. Hardy
Chapter Fifteen
Hardy
We both sit silently on the ride back home. I’m not sure why Thayer’s so quiet, but I’m pretty scared shitless. One’s going to beat my fucking ass. I’ll lose my job, I’ve got Eric snooping around, and for once in my life, I’ve got someone who I would gladly lose it all for.
I swing back by my place for Lulu to find she’s waiting patiently by the back door for our return. We grab her things on our way back out. Thayer slides into the passenger side when I notice a beat-up, old Ford creeping by. It’s Eric, I know it. Mother fucker isn’t ever going to learn.
Backing out of my driveway, I look everywhere for him. The entire drive home, I scan the road for him. Watching my back is nothing; watching Thayer’s back will drive me insane. Taking chances on her safety isn’t in the plan. I need to tell her soon. She needs to know all my secrets.
Lulu settles alongside us; she loves Thayer already.
The excitement of the day has worn us out, but knowing Eric is out there makes this conversation so much more important.
Where to start? No clue. My palms begin to sweat just thinking about it.
Still, we haven’t spoken about One or the fact we’ve been outed.
“So are we just going to wait until tomorrow for One to blast us, or are we going to talk about it and come up with a game plan?” I ask, turning to her as she lays next to Lulu.
“Game plan? What is there to explain? We’re adults; we’re in a relationship. That’s as far as it concerns anyone else.” She straightens herself in the bed as she explains her position.
“You’re not worried your family is going to flip shit? Demand you not see me anymore? You’re ready for that?” She sits there, steel-nerved.
“They won’t. We won’t. It’s okay. One wasn’t that bad; he really looked more annoyed he didn’t know than anything else.” Thayer’s as cool as a cucumber; what the fuck? I need to just dive in; it’s time. It’s time I tell her.
“Thayer, I need to tell you some things about my life. Things I’m not proud of, nor am I making excuses for.” I sit up to face her. She mimics my position, taking my hand in hers.
“Okay. It’s going to be fine. Tell me what you can; the rest will wait.” She pats me on the hand she holds.
“Six months before my fifteenth birthday, I was placed with a couple that seemed, for all intents and purposes, the perfect couple. Until I went into their basement, then they became totally different people. I was a kid, so no one listened to me. They were given custody of four children; I was the oldest. At some point, I had been classified as a delinquent. I was troubled, yes, but I didn’t cause trouble. Not until I got to this house.
“Thayer, I raised three different kinds of hell trying to get the child welfare to investigate, but no one ever came. The state gave these people a teen boy, a preteen boy, and two five-year-old girls. Blonde hair, blue eyes with pigtails. I’ll never forget their tears running down their faces as they were chained and abused.
The eleven-year-old boy, Alex, he came to them already messed up.
I swear, I think they asked for him. The little girls had already been sexually abused, so stories went invalidated.
Sick fuckers. They tied us to chairs after tying the girls down, making us watch.
If we closed our eyes, he would hit us. Tell us we were pussies.
That we needed to learn how to use our dicks.
I would vomit in my mouth, swallowing it to keep them from knowing.
“Did that make me troubled? Yes, of course. But it wasn’t my only problem. Two days after my birthday, I left for school and never went back. I couldn’t live with it anymore. I was already wrestling my own demons, so I ran.” Tears fall from Thayer’s eyes as I help her tenderly wipe them away.
“Don’t cry, baby; it’s okay. I slept wherever I could for a while.
I never told One. He would have insisted I come to your house.
I was afraid the authorities would come to get me, make me go back.
I hitchhiked as far as I could every day, going south.
I figured if I made it to Florida, sleeping outside wouldn’t be so bad. I made it as far as Charleston.
“My life changed in Charleston. I never dreamed it could get worse, Thayer. Damn, if it didn’t get worse.
I met a girl named Erica; she was seventeen and a drug addict.
She knew the streets, how to get food, and where to sleep.
I escaped two depraved freaks for a city full of them.
Erica became my best friend and confidant.
When she wanted to get clean, she went home.
She had great parents, but she was lost to addiction.
“I’m not even sure at what point I became an addict, Thayer.
I was a troubled kid wanting a home, someone to love me.
Erica and her friends did for a while. A year and a half on the streets, living in abandoned buildings, squalors and dumpsters tend to make the light we each are born with die.
Erica’s light had been gone long before I met her, but she was so addicted at nineteen that there was no going back.
“Erica had been on a binge for two weeks when I had finally had enough. It had been almost three years since I had started living on the streets, and I was ready to get clean. Have a life, sleep in a bed. Erica stayed behind in one of the condemned houses we were squatting in to get high when I left to find some food. After a few days without it, you tend to forget how long it’s been, especially if you’re high.
“Roaming restaurant row, I saw One and your dad walkout. To me, it was a sign. Life. A chance to live again, so I took the opportunity. Running up to him, he didn’t recognize me at first, but when he did, he opened his arms and hugged me.
I can’t tell you the last time I had been embraced by anyone.
One hugged me so tight, I couldn’t let go.
Cal helped One get me to the car, and they took me back to their hotel room.
Fed me, let me shower and gave me clothes.
“Cal offered to put me into rehab; I took it. The next morning, I went back to tell Erica I was leaving, but she wasn’t there.
So I left and went straight into detox. While in rehab, I had counseling.
Joyce was amazing. She helped me realize my biggest pitfall, something I still struggle with.
People don’t leave because of me; loving me isn’t a death sentence.
I’m more than my past, and she’s helped me realize it all. ”
Thayer sits across from me, shedding as many tears as I have. Still, there’s more to tell her. If I can. I’ve never been more afraid of the truth in my life than I am at this moment. She must read my mind because I don’t get the chance to tell her, she asks.
“What happened to Erica? Were you two…a couple? I mean, it’s not a big deal. It was so long ago, and you’re a different man now. A good man who’s paid a high price for a life you didn’t deserve.” She wipes the tears from my face now. I don’t think I could love her more.
“We lived together, Thayer. We weren’t a couple, but we were together.
Erica did whatever she needed to do to get her to fix.
Anything. Living on the streets rarely affords romance.
I would float from one group to the next, or we would find a house and stay there for weeks at a time.
I never loved her; she didn’t love me. I won’t lie, we slept together; we were teenagers.
We were both incapable of love at that point.
I’m pretty sure that was our bond, nothing more. ”
Her eyes well and spill the tears she so desperately tries to hold back.
I hate telling her this shit, but her family knows, well, One, Cal, and Elise.
Knowing they supported me through all of that means so much that it’s the reason I’m worried they won’t approve of us.
I really hope she works that out for herself. I don’t want to point it out.
“Do you believe you’re dangerous because people who love you die? Most importantly, because my family helped you out of the trouble you were in, you’ll not be good enough for me? Really?” Her words reek of a condescending tone. They also sound so different in my mind than on her lips.
“Yes.” It’s all I got.
“Hardy, my family loves you. It’s been ten years since you were that person. Don’t you think you’ve paid enough? When will you get to the point that your life will mean something more than who you were? What about who you are now?” She cocks her head to ask me, just like her brother.
“Is there a price to be paid? Yes, but I’m not sure I’ve paid it.” Shaking her head, she raises to her knees and presses her lips to mine.
“Everyone deserves a second chance, but it’s up to you to take it. No one has a right to tell you what you deserve, Hardy. No one has lived your life. It’s yours because you fought for it; make it a good one.” Her sweet smile ignites the fire in me that has laid dead far too long.
“Do you truly believe someone can move past all their wrongs in life? People don’t forget, Thayer. Demons lie waiting in all your dark places. They come back; they always do.” She looks so innocent.
“So what if they do? You are better than your past; you’re a good man. Hardy, you were a kid.” The expectation in her eyes is heartbreaking. I can never tell her everything, ever.
“I need you to know, there’s so much more to my life.
Things I may never be able to tell you, Thayer.
Do you understand? There are parts of me you may know, parts you may never like.
Things that may very well make you hate me.
Are you okay with taking that chance? To live with all the things I’ve done?
” Will you love me when you know the truth? I really want to say it but can’t.