23. Hardy
Chapter Twenty-Three
Hardy
It’s getting colder; I’ll soon need to find shelter.
Living in the truck or on the streets won’t be possible for much longer.
I can’t help but wonder why Ellis Kipton was at Thayer’s office today.
It’s the second reason I’m out here freezing my balls off.
Suddenly, the door opens. My first reason appears at the door.
The light glows from the inside, lighting her like an angel. Thayer stands at her door, writing on the window with her finger. Why is she just standing there? Fuck me, asswipe must be coming over. Mother fucker needs his nose broken. He’s an asshole. Says the asshole freezing his balls off.
When he parks in front of her place, her face warms with the brightest smile.
She’s breathtaking. He jogs to her door as she steps outside.
They talk for a minute, but when he bends to one knee, I drop to mine.
I don’t fight the tears; I deserve them.
I knew it would happen, but I’m still shocked at how soon.
It was just a few weeks ago; she stood not twenty feet from me, crying.
I hid in the brushes while she poured her heart out on the sidewalk.
Begging me to come home. It’s my own fucking fault.
I never deserved her to begin with. This seals it.
She’s moving on, and I’m left with nothing but her memory.
Driving away tonight, all I can think about is the day on the beach. I had every chance to tell her the truth and didn’t. No one to blame but myself. I regret not talking to her. Sitting at her feet, all I could think about was that she would never trust me again. She would only see my mistakes.
How could I have explained a wife and a baby?
To have her understand, I didn’t know Erica had overdosed.
I hadn’t seen her for two days at that point.
I’d been out looking for her to make sure she had eaten.
The baby needed nutrients; Erica hadn’t given a shit about it.
She hadn’t wanted the baby; she had even planned to get clean and give it away.
Erica told me people pay good money for babies, addicted or not. She never cared about a single thing if it wasn’t centered on her fix. She wouldn’t have been alive had I not been there. I never loved her, not the way she needed to be loved.
When I learned of Erica’s passing, I did what I could to help take care of them. Her parents blamed me, even though I wasn’t even with her. I told the police when they came to get my statement where she had been. I’m not sure if they ever found the guy.
I couldn’t do much at first, being in rehab, but with the money Cal gave me for an allowance, I arranged for it to go to the cemetery for her expenses.
Once I was out, I started working with One’s family and paid every bill she had at her time of death.
Someone told me once, as her husband, it was my responsibility.
I didn’t know about that, but I did see that it was my responsibility as her friend.
After selling the Mustang for Eric, I put the money from selling my house into a high finance account to continue paying her parents. I don’t know why I do that either. Years of guilt, I suppose. I should’ve never left with One. Finding Erica was my job. I should’ve made sure she was okay.
Facing Thayer with this truth was more than I could imagine. I just know she’d think I was a monster. Who walks away from their wife and child to go get clean? If I had taken her with me, she could’ve gotten clean too. I was selfish. Just like I am with Thayer.
Pulling into my usual spot, I turn my truck off and sit back to stargaze for a while. Thayer and I made this our place. Our secret gets away from everyone. Still, Creek is nothing more than a bog just off the highway. But way back here by the water, it’s quiet. We were never disturbed.
That’s why the knock at the window made me shit my pants. Who the fuck is out here at this time of night? The flash of light blinds me. I ready myself to be arrested or shot. Mother fucker turns the light sideways, the dude’s face comes into view. One.
“Roll down the window, fucker. I want to talk to you before I kick your goddamn ass.” Fuck. He’s pissed as hell. Rolling down my window, I sit back. Bring it; I deserve it all.
“How’d you find me?” I ask, resting my head on the window.
“Ellis Kipton. Thayer and Lea hired him to find you.” Straightening in the seat, I look around. Praying she isn’t here.
“What the fuck?” I mutter as I rest my forehead on the steering wheel.
“No. Thank fuck. Why are you doing this?” One crosses his arms over his chest.
“Doing what?” I lift my head to look at him.
“Don’t fucking play with me; it’s bad enough you broke Thayer’s heart.” His arms unfold, dropping to his sides. Even in the dark, I can see he’s fucking furious.
“Would you prefer I stay and ruin her life? You did notice the fucking shit show at your wedding, right?” Shifting in my seat, I glare at him. I want to hear this.
“I heard it all. Did you?” One steps closer to my door.
“Yes, I did. I have a dead wife and child. I wasn’t there when she overdosed, but I’m to blame. Thayer will never forgive me. I can’t forgive myself.” I drop my head in disgust; I can’t even look at him.
“Hardy, she doesn’t need to forgive you for your past. It’s your past. The only thing she needed was your future.
Yeah, it would’ve been great if you had told her, us.
Did you think we’d treat you differently because of it?
That’s fucked up; you should’ve known better.
” One shakes his head as he backs up. After flipping my headlights on, I pull the door handle and climb out.
One joins me, leaning against the truck.
“I’ve never been able to forgive myself, One. I just wanted to be someone she could be proud of, you know? Not some deviant with a drug addiction and a past that includes nothing but death. I don’t even think the kid was mine.” Looking up at the stars, I see nothing but Thayer looking back at me.
“What do you mean?” He turns his head toward me.
“I married Erica for her parents’ sake. Yes, we’d slept together, but I had been screwing around with this girl, Christine. There’s no way Erica’s baby was mine. But it really didn’t matter; when they died, I had to take care of them. For me, you know?” I look at him for understanding.
“I get it, but why not tell her. It’s not the facts of the story that hurt her.
It was the lack of knowledge. It’s not even about knowing everything about someone, Hardy.
It’s the need for someone to know everything about you.
That’s the shit relationships are built on.
Damn man, I didn’t even know.” He pushes off the truck and walks a few feet away.
“I’m pissed because I’m your best friend, and you never told me any of this.
Can you imagine how she feels?” One glares at me.
“I know. I fucked up. I should have told her the truth.” I shrug as I say it. He looks incensed.
“Yes, you should have. Yet, that’s not how you fucked up.” One stands there, glaring at me.
“What? What else did I do?” Throwing my hands out to the side as I shrug.
“Learning you had a wife and child was devastating to all of us, especially Thayer. Yet, that’s not what made her walk away.” What the fuck is he saying?
“So enlighten me.” Leaning back against my truck again.
“Hardy, if you would step aside and consider her, you would know what the problem is. But you’ve got your head so far up your own ass with this, ‘I’m not worth it's bullshit. Fuck that. Get your head outta your ass or lose her for good. Do you hear what I’m telling you? ” His hands are now tightly fisted.
“I know. I was there.” I hang my head as my eyes begin to water.
“So you know she said yes? And you did nothing?” Shaking his head as his mouth twists into a smirk. He’s gone entirely rigid.
“What was I supposed to do? He’s an attorney. He can give her everything I can’t, goddamn it.” Pushing away from my truck, I’m in his face quick as lightning.
“Yeah, he can give her everything but one thing, asshole.” Stepping forward as his voice rises, he pokes me in the chest. We’re standing nose to nose, and all I can think about is how much Thayer looks like him. Fuck.
“Okay, fine. I give up. What the fuck is it?” I say, flailing my arms in the air.
“He’s not you. She may be faking it now, but one day she’ll regret marrying a man she didn’t love the way she loves you. We both know how that ends, don’t we?” One searches my eyes for an unspoken understanding.
I hear him loud and clear.