Chapter 38
Dirt Bike
Holly
Iwalk to the barn to meet Mateo. He changed faster than I did, and said he needed to get something ready. I have no clue what we’re doing, but I followed his instructions and changed into a long sleeve shirt, my least expensive pair of jeans, and my most comfortable tennis shoes.
I walk in the open doors and stop dead in my tracks.
Mateo is standing proudly next to a contraption I thought I could avoid.
“What is that?” I’ve seen motorcycles, and this resembles one, but I’m hoping it’s just a random piece of farming equipment we will not be riding. I doubt my hopes will come true, but hey, maybe I’m extra lucky today.
“A dirt bike,” Mateo says with an amused grin. “I’m taking you for a ride.”
I am, in fact, not extra lucky today.
“Nope.” I step back, my feet scraping the dirty cement. “I’m not riding on that thing. I’ll die.”
Mateo smirks, the handsome look stopping my backwards progress.
“I promise you won’t. This is one of our bigger bikes, made for two.
We’ll both have helmets, and I’m going on a well-worn trail.
” He places his hand on his heart, and I about swoon from how ruggedly handsome he looks. “You’ll be fine, I promise.”
He steps forward until he grabs both of my hands, then slowly tugs me closer to the bike of death. We stop next to the bike and he places my hands on his heart. “Amor, I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”
That word—I love it and hate it at the same time. I don’t want him calling me his love if it’s not real. “You don’t have to call me that when other people aren’t around.”
Mateo’s eyebrows arch. “Who said anything about other people?”
I roll my eyes. “I finally looked it up today when you called me amor and your sisters gave me a look. It means love. You don’t have to pretend you love me, Mateo. I only want you to call me that if you mean it, not as part of our farce.”
Our eyes meet and I can’t look away as a soft smile tilts the corner of his lips up and makes the dimple in his cheek appear. “As you wish.”
That one is almost as bad, but I’ll let it slide. He’s been unbelievably attentive since he picked me up from Momma T’s house.
My hope is high, and although my fears have been assuaged by the hours we’ve spent together, I can’t completely write them off. Mateo thrives here, while I can’t even stand the smell of cows and feeding one.
I don’t know how this is going to work.
I bite my lip, staring at the dirt bike behind him. “Do I have to?”
“Where’s my brave Holly that can shoot down any hot shot A-list actor? She can survive a dirt bike ride, I promise.”
Ugh. It’s unfair how often he knows the right thing to say to help me feel better.
I glare at him, which just makes him smile, but he’s cute, so I’ll let it slide.
“Fine. But when I die from this thing, you’ll have to tell Alex it’s your fault I’m dead and that I’m haunting you from beyond the grave. ”
Mateo’s eyes twinkle. “I’ll practice my ghostly communication skills right away, just for you.”
I shake my head and Mateo smirks as he hands me a helmet. I put it on and lift my chin as Mateo instructs so he can tighten the strap for me. His fingers brush the skin on my neck, and tingles erupt, sending goosebumps racing down my skin, chasing away my nerves with the comfort of Mateo’s touch.
Mateo puts on his helmet and climbs on. It turns on and he revs the engine, making me startle.
He holds his hand out and I grip it tightly as he talks me through climbing on behind him.
He coaches me on where to put my feet as I swing my leg over, straddling the death bike.
I sit on the very small seat and wrap my arms around Mateo’s waist.
I am a baby koala. Nothing will pry my arms away from Mateo. I tilt my helmet-covered head to the side and rest my cheek against his back, pulling myself as close to him as possible.
There is nothing holding me to this bike. No seat belts. No cords. Nothing.
This is totally not safe.
I hope he never buys a motorcycle.
Mateo revs the engine again and we lurch forward, exiting the barn doors.
As he drives down a dirt path I try to focus on everything except my fear.
The first thing I notice are the chuckles I feel rumbling through Mateo’s body.
Nope. Can’t get distracted by koalaing him. Definitely can’t get distracted by the abdominal muscles I can feel through his shirt. Nope, nope, nope.
Focus on the scenery, Holly.
Even if Mateo should be the scenery.
The wind whistles through my helmet, cooling my cheeks despite the afternoon heat. I focus on the fields we pass, letting the smell of dirt and hay fill my senses.
We’ve reached the foothills and Mateo turns onto a path that leads upward. I hug him tighter as he leans into turns, driving up the switchbacks. Without him, I would have fallen off on the first turn. He will never hear me admit it, but this is kind of fun.
He will never know.
I regret the thought of enjoyment when we hit the rocky portion of the trail. It’s bumpy, and my stomach churns as we drive up the last portion of the hill.
The five percent of this ride that has been fun has been lowered to four percent.
Mateo slows the bike as we crest the top of the hill. We stop, and dust billows around us. Mateo pops the kickstand on the bike. I don’t move.
He turns his head, but I don’t loosen my grip. “Hey Hols, it’s easiest if you get off first.”
I groan. This is not going to be pretty.
Mateo holds out his hand, and I grip it with mine as I scoot to the side of the seat. I reach down and get the tip of my toes on the ground. Mateo holds me steady and I swing my other leg over, avoiding the exhaust pipe, as I bring my leg down.
Solid ground has never felt so amazing.
Of course, Mateo gets off like he’s a dirt bike model.
Are there such things as dirt bike models?
Doesn’t matter. The point is, it’s completely unfair and positively ridiculous how good he looks right now.
I struggle with the strap under my chin until it loosens, and I pull the helmet off. There is no saving my hair. It’s unbelievably tangled.
I will not be featured in the attractive-people-on-dirt-bikes magazine.
Mateo grabs my helmet and puts it on the dirt bike next to his before reaching for my hand. “Come on, I want to show you the view.”
We walk to the edge of the hill and Mateo moves to stand behind me. His arms wrap around my waist, and I lean against his chest.
Okay, I admit it. The view is beautiful. Before us is a view of Mateo’s farm, and further out, I can see the main street of the tiny town. Being up above the town and the farmlands puts everything into a different perspective.
“I love spending time with your family.”
Mateo’s arms squeeze my waist lightly. “They’re pretty awesome.
Spending time away from them helps me appreciate them more when I come back, their faults and all.
” He chuckles and the rumbling in his chest reverberates through my back, bringing a peace and comfort I’m beginning to recognize as a common feeling when I’m in Mateo’s arms.
“I wish my family was like yours.”
Mateo’s arms loosen a fraction. “Amor, my family is your family now.”
I look up into Mateo’s brown eyes, trying to read the emotions behind them. “Mateo, we started our marriage as one of convenience.”
“It’s been very convenient for helping me fall in love with my wife.”
He said it. He said the four-letter word.
My mouth dries up while my heart races.
Mateo’s hand comes up, cupping my jaw, his thumb caressing my cheekbone as he stares into my eyes.
“Holly, it’s not a secret that I have very real, very big feelings for you.
You are mi vida, and mi amor. I’m not lying when I call you those things.
This might be sudden for you, but I want you to know I’m all in.
I want to make this work, but only if you do. ”
Do I want to make this work?
My chest seizes, and I push away from him. “Mateo, we’ve been married for like a month.” I suck in air, trying to breathe through the constriction of my ribs.
Mateo nods and takes a small step toward me, his hands up as if I’m a skittish animal.
I guess I kind of am, considering the panic racing through me.
My palms are sweaty and my hands shake. “It’s too fast. Isn’t this too fast? It’s too soon to feel these big feelings for each other. It’s too soon to say I love you.”
I pull my hair back with one hand and fan my face with the other, suddenly overwhelmed by the heat.
Mateo’s hands settle on my shoulders, his touch bringing instant stillness to my shaking.
“Holly.” His voice is tender, and as I look into his eyes, all I see is the love he just confessed.
Him, loving me, in the middle of a panic attack about the fact he told me he loved me. It feels like too much.
I suck in a deep breath and close my eyes, focusing on his touch as his hands skim down my arms until he brings my hands up to his chest. One rests over his heart.
“Focus on the beat of my heart, the feel of the breeze on your skin, and on the smells around you. Block out everything else.”
I do as he says, cataloging the scent of pine that always accompanies Mateo, the sage from the surrounding brush on the hill, and the steady beat of his heart.
I focus on his breathing, and work to match my inhales and exhales to his.
“It’s scary to have deep feelings for someone, but it’s not the end of the world.
It’s scary to have someone love you, but it’s not the end of everything.
You do not have to reciprocate my love now or ever.
But I will be here for you until you’re ready, or until you get sick of me and tell me to leave. ”
My breath hitches. “I don’t want you to leave.”
He pulls me against him, and I rest my forehead on his chest. “I’m not leaving, Holly. I will stay.”
Stay.
He’s going to stay.
I savor that word. That sentence, and everything he just said as I regulate my body to his calmness.
Panic drains from me, and my racing heart calms.
“Thank you,” I whisper against his chest. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a panic attack like this, and in front of someone. Thank you for helping me handle it.”
Mateo rubs circles on my back, his voice a quiet rumble. “I did research on how to help after I found out you have anxiety. I figured there might be a panic attack or two in our future. I just didn’t think it would happen after I said I loved you.”
My hand fists his shirt as I cringe.
Mental health struggles have horrible timing.
“I’m sorry.”
I feel more than see his head moving. “Don’t apologize, mi vida. You have your reasons, and they’re valid. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I can be patient for you.”
My heart races for an entirely different reason now.
I channel Holly from earlier, who braved the death bike, and look up into Mateo’s face. “I like you, Mateo. I like you a lot. It scares me. I’m scared, but I don’t want to be. I don’t know how to stop. I think it might just take me some time before I’m ready.”
Mateo leans down, his lips brushing against my forehead. “I can give you all the time in the world, mi amor.”
My hand comes up and cradles his jaw, my fingers skimming over his trimmed beard.
I take in the face of the man I’m too scared to tell I’m in love with.
This gentle, kind, patient man is everything in a husband I didn’t realize I needed, and I send up a silent prayer of thanks for being blessed with him in my life.
I reach up and pull his face down to mine, kissing him with all the feelings I can’t express… yet.