Chapter 22
Lindsey
I’ve spent half the day in a haze of post-sex euphoria.
Not even the gentle teasing my friends gave me over lunch brought me down.
I’m doing what I can to ride the high and not think about the kiss Bannik left me with when he rushed out the door.
How it had been filled with a type of desperation and maybe even a hint of panic.
Like it would be the last one he’d ever be able to give me.
My plants and flowers have all been checked on and are blooming beautifully, especially the nebjyre Bannik had gifted me. Some nights, I’ll sit on my sofa in the dark with only the bright teal buds giving off their bioluminescent light. It makes me think of fairy lights, and my heart is so happy.
I’m just making myself comfortable on the sofa with my data pad to play an online game of Damshah and have a glass of plyka when someone knocks at the door.
It can’t be any of my friends. They all had their own plans for this afternoon.
Not unless Devon changed hers. I set aside the device and head for the entrance.
Pressing a button on the display monitor shows Bannik on the other side.
Giddiness fills me. I don’t usually see him twice in a single day. Not with his patrol schedule.
I open the door and greet him with a bright smile. “Hi.”
“May I come in?”
His tone makes me blink, and my lips unfurl. I step back and widen the entryway. “Of course.”
Bannik strides into my living area and comes to a stop in the center of it before turning to face me. A gross swirling sensation churns in my stomach. Slowly, I close the door and lean against it for the minimal support it offers as my legs tremble with unease.
This isn’t the same man who left my apartment this morning.
He might be wearing the same clothes and possess the same deep-copper-hued skin.
His eyes may also be the same darkened color, but the flame that danced within their depths is nothing more than an ember.
His body language is…off. There’s a hardness to his features that is new.
“What’s wrong?” Cold seeps into my veins.
“Please know that I never meant for this to happen.”
“Never meant for what to happen?” I shiver. “You’re freaking me out, Bannik.”
He flinches, and I catch a quick glimpse of what looks like guilt. “My name isn’t Bannik.”
My head jerks back and collides with the door with a heavy thud.
“From the moment I was born over thirty anums ago,” he begins, “I was raised with a single purpose. If I had been born eight ticks later instead of eight ticks before, my life would have turned out entirely different. Because I was the elder son, my path was set in stone, and there was no alternate route.”
I shake my head and my brow furrows. “You’re not making any sense.”
“For generations, the eldest son of the House of Deqan has served the Bohnari king by traveling the galaxy and gathering secrets of a sensitive nature. Government secrets that have been reported back to the king in order to protect our people against our enemies. Secrets used as leverage. Secrets used to turn nations against one another. Secrets about new technological advances the Bohnari perfect for their own use,” not-Bannik explains.
“I am the eldest son of the House of Deqan and have spent the last two anums posing as my brother and infiltrating the rebel forces in order to bring to justice those who wish to overthrow the prince and take the throne.”
Everything over the last two weeks finally becomes glaringly clear. Every time he’s acted weird and withdrawn has been when I called him Bannik.
It’s why from the first day, I kept sensing something different about the man in front of me.
Different from the one I’d spoken to and danced with at the parties the queen threw.
That man was not the same Bannik I met in the botanical garden.
Or the same Bannik I kissed. The same Bannik I had sex with because I was his heart’s fire.
My eyes widen, and my hand goes over my mouth. From behind it, I mumble, “You’re Carrik.”
His silence is the only confirmation I need. My stomach lurches. I press myself hard against the door so I don’t crumple to the floor. This is the secret he couldn’t tell me. Or one of them. God, how many more does he have?
“I did not wish to keep this from you,” he says.
This whole time, it’s been one lie after another. “I trusted you. Believed you. Only now you tell me everything has been a lie.”
Ban—Carrik—moves toward me, and I dart out of the way, desperate to keep space between us. He stops, and the agony on his face almost makes me regret not letting him reach me.
“Lindsey, please,” he begs. “The only lie I have told is my name. Otherwise, I have spoken the truth. I was not part of Mohneek’s plans, nor did I cause the deaths of our people.
My assignment had been to stop the rebels before it went as far as it did.
The loneliness I have felt all these anums is real.
Then I met you, and the lonely ache that had burrowed its way inside my chest disappeared. You are my heart’s fire.”
My heart splinters more with every word Carrik speaks. “Why now?”
He cants his head. “Why now, what?”
“Why are you telling me this now? What’s changed?”
Carrik’s gaze shifts, and he no longer meets my eyes. “Bannik escaped from my estate where I had been holding him captive since the rebel attack and returned to the city.”
My breath catches and tears form. “So you’re only here because your brother forced your hand. Were you ever going to tell me? Or did you just plan on keeping your brother prisoner for the rest of his life and let me continue to believe you were him?”
“No!” Carrik slashes his arm through the air.
“I swear I was going to tell you soon. The secret has been weighing heavily on me more and more each day. I no longer wanted to keep it from you. Every time you called me by Bannik’s name, I bled with the pain it caused.
I have wanted nothing more than to hear my rightful name fall from your lips. ”
“Yet you only told me when you had no other choice.” I deflate, feeling utterly spent in ways I never have before.
I’m not sure how I make it to the sofa, but somehow I collapse onto it.
I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on top of them.
A hollow sensation takes up space inside me.
I’m completely wrung out. My vision is so unfocused, movement in front of me is nothing but a blurry mess.
A figure forms. I blink to find Ban—Carrik—kneeling in front of me.
He reaches out, but I shrink back from his touch and tuck my legs tighter against my chest. His arms fall to his side.
“I did not plan on keeping you in the dark. For nearly thirty anums, I have lived by the duty I swore to my father I would uphold. My life was no longer my own. It belonged to the king of Bohna. I was to serve the king, no matter how difficult that task might be. No matter how lonely I might become. It was my greatest honor to bear this burden. I happily fulfilled the duty that bound me. But when I met you, I was no longer satisfied with that life.”
“You’re a trained spy. Someone who actively lies for a living. How am I ever supposed to trust you to tell me the truth?”
Carrik places his hand on his chest. “You are my heart’s fire, Lindsey.
I will give my life to protect you and do everything in my power to make you happy.
That overrides any duty I have to the crown.
I have no desire or intention of continuing in the role I have played.
I am giving it all up for you, because you are the most important person to me.
You are the only person in my life who matters. ”
God, I want to believe Carrik so badly. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this with you right now. I need time and some space to think.”
He opens his mouth, but whatever he planned on saying is swallowed down with a sharp nod. “Whatever time and space you need, you will get. I will remain in Preska for the foreseeable future, if for nothing more than to ensure you are safe and protected.”
I cock my head. “You say that as if you’re anticipating some type of danger. Am I going to be the target of some unknown enemy now that your identity has been revealed? Is that the real reason why you’re staying in the city?”
Carrik carefully takes my hand, and this time, I can’t find the strength to fight it.
“To my knowledge, there is no immediate threat to you or your friends. But Mohneek and Orvak are still out there somewhere. I do not trust them to give up their quest for revenge against the crown. They have attacked the city twice now. I will not let them do so a third time.”
“So you’re planning on looking for them.”
“It is what brought me to Preska in the first place.” Carrik strokes my knuckles. “It is why I imprisoned Bannik after the attack and begged the queen to allow me to return to my brother’s guard duties. I needed to gather any intel I could that might lead me to their whereabouts.”
I swallow back the hurt and force myself to look at the situation from every angle. No one was going to win. He admitted he had secrets he couldn’t share yet. “Then you saw me outside the botanical garden that day.”
He nods. “Then I saw you. I tried to stay away, because I knew you had no desire to be my heart’s fire. I kept telling myself it was selfish to tie you to me. If I let the unfulfilled mate bond take me, you would then be free to find another male—one far more deserving—to choose as your mate.”
My stomach dips at the knowledge that Carrik would have sacrificed himself so I’d have a chance to find someone else. “What made you change your mind?”
“Horek made me realize I wasn’t being selfish, but cruel, rather.
I love you more than I have ever loved another being, and the thought of being so callous was more than I could bear.
” Carrik scoots closer until he’s pressed hard against the sofa and his chest nearly touches my shins.
“I should not even be telling you now who I truly am, but I didn’t want to keep this from you any longer. ”
“What do you mean, you shouldn’t be telling me now?”
“Bannik returning to the city adds an unexpected player to the game. Because locating Mohneek and Orvak is Janik’s main priority, we need to figure out how to make that happen and quickly.
Because a former rebel—whom we believe may have a connection to them—believes I’m Bannik and has already approached me more than once, it will set us back if he discovers I’m actually Carrik. ”
Understanding slowly comes. “Which means you’re going to continue posing as your brother.”
“Yes.”
“And what about the real Bannik?”
“He will pose as me.”
“For how long?”
Carrik reaches up, and I let him cradle my jaw. Maybe I’m weak, but I lean into his touch. “For however long it takes.”
I sigh. “What am I supposed to do in the meantime?”
“Nothing different from what you’ve been doing. You are still my heart’s fire. I will still make sure you’re safe and protected.”
My hand covers his. “Is there anything else you haven’t told me? Even the smallest thing?”
“There is nothing. No more secrets. I vow to you, the only thing I ever lied about was my name.”
Are Carrik’s sins any worse than Janik’s? Carrik is—and has always been—a loyal ally to the crown trying to dismantle the rebel forces. Janik had been leading those same rebel forces. Could his sin not be considered worse than Carrik’s? Or am I merely trying to justify his lies?
I turn my head to press a kiss against his palm. “Will you give me a little time to myself?”
Pain flashes within the darkness of his eyes, but he dips his chin.
“If that is what you need, then I will provide it. However much you ask for, I will give you. No matter what it is. Your happiness means everything to me, Lindsey.” Carrik rises and stares down at me for another few seconds.
“I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I’m asking anyway.
Please do not tell anyone who I truly am. Not yet. Not until this is over.”
Without waiting for an answer, he turns and walks out the door, closing it softly behind him.
“Fuck.” I lower my legs to the floor and find my comm unit. Devon’s the first one I reach out to. “Hey, could you come over as soon as possible, please?”
I’ll keep Carrik’s secret, but I need my friends.