Chapter Six #3
Regretful but determined eyes searched mine. “I want to speak to you.”
“I gave you a chance,” I reminded her. “Multiple times.”
A small breath left her parted lips. “I know, but just give me another one; I’ll clear everything up,” she said, sincerity lingering in her stare. “Please?” Her voice softened, getting straight into my head. “The benefit of the doubt?”
I looked away, fighting my head, my gut, my heart, and my damn mind at the same time. It was always a battle with this woman.
“If you still don’t want to speak to me after I explain everything that went on in that bus, I promise I’ll back off,” she added.
I knew I wasn’t strong enough to deny her this. All I had to do was remain passive; no matter what she said or revealed, I wouldn’t acknowledge it. I couldn’t afford any form of distraction for what I had planned.
I nodded. “Okay, come with me.”
When we got to my suite, I looked around for the cats but couldn’t find them. It appeared they were tucked somewhere around, and I appreciated that. I was in no mood to acknowledge their presence or answer questions from Zahra.
The woman in question walked in, and I closed the door behind us.
“Well—fuck, the platinum suite is fire,” Zahra said, and I watched her take in our surroundings with awe, the large crystal chandelier hanging above, the pool table by the side, the soft cream couches, the eighty-inch smart TV, a balcony overseeing the large ocean below.
“Rich people do get away with everything—”
“I don’t have all night,” I said.
She turned around, startled at the sharpness in my voice as she sucked in a breath, and shifted on her feet, showing nervousness. “Wouldn’t you, um—want to sit down first?”
“No.”
“Awesome, we’re doing it standing.” She grinned like she had just made a joke I was supposed to understand.
I stared blankly.
“Get it?” Her grin faltered. “Doing it … standing? Like doing … it.”
Blank stare.
“No?” Her smile died as she cleared her throat. “Okay.”
I waited for her to speak.
She sighed, fingers going through her hair.
“Right, okay … um, first off. That guy from before was Vitale … Conti. We sort of grew up together back in Sicily. Not like grew up, grew up—he was the only person close to my age who didn’t treat me differently after Manuel rescued me.
He was the only one I could relate to. I haven’t seen him in a long time. ”
“I did not ask about him.”
“No, I—I know you didn’t. I was just … telling you.”
When I didn’t respond, she swallowed, shifting on her feet again.
“You got it all wrong the other day. I wasn’t playing with you, messing with you, or trying to ruin your relationship with Devil.
I was even supposed to talk to him before this, but you were here so…
” Her teeth clamped down on her bottom lip as she stumbled over her words.
“Devil and I kissed, yes, but it didn’t mean anything romantic at all.
I had a—I had a panic attack, and he did it so I would calm down.
If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Well … that wasn’t a lie.
She squared her shoulders, looking away from me like she didn’t like any bit of this conversation. “I was … wrong. I made a mistake, a temporary lapse in judgment, and … and I’m sorry for putting Devil’s life in danger, and … and for making you worry,” she said, sneaking a careful glance at me.
The sincerity in her eyes shook me. She was being honest; she was apologizing. She was doing all I’d wanted since the moment I started growing interested in her.
To disregard this just for my goal felt … wrong.
When I didn’t respond yet again, I could see a twinge of defeat in her eyes, but with the breath she let out, I knew she was about to reveal more information she had never disclosed to anyone.
“I’ve been put to the test before. When I was younger, a year after living with Manuel.
” She swallowed. “There was a bomb, and he—he put people there in the—in a building. He, um—he asked me to defuse the bomb.” She paused, looking as though she was contemplating whether to continue or not.
Her hand moved to her cheek to rub away an itch I was sure wasn’t there.
“I thought it was just regular training, until—until I saw the bomb and the people …
they were scared, crying. It was … it was terrible.
“Manuel was behind me, trying to guide me, but I was too scared. A lot was riding on it. If I failed, I would—I would kill them; if I didn’t, I would save them.
I wanted to save them. But—I was too scared, too slow, too weak.
And the bomb went off. I didn’t hear their cries anymore but the sm—the smell afterward …
I couldn’t sleep for days, I couldn’t eat or think, I had nightmares, and Manuel, he …
he didn’t really care that I wasn’t okay. ”
She let out an unsteady breath, looking at me with a strained smile.
“You want me to be very honest with you, Elio?” she asked, taking two steps closer to me until we were just a step away from each other.
“I am terrified. I am constantly fucking terrified. I put up this strong and impenetrable wall around myself; I make it so hard for anyone to trust me. I have these issues so fucking deep inside me, this anger that makes me a stranger to myself, and I hate it. I just want a make-believe life with my team. I really truly want to leave all this behind me; I want to go where nobody knows me, or my name, or the things I’ve done, but… ” She gulped.
“I might have left Manuel, but he never left me. He’s here”—she gestured to her head—“he’s in my head, in every fucking action I take.
I am often reminded that I am who I am today because of him, and it messes me up.
That man took—he took, he took, and he took so much from me, and now I’m just…
” She lifted her shoulder, dropped it. “Empty. Filled with so much hate, so much inferiority, so much malice.”
She was so sincere that her words didn’t have to be deciphered before they made sense to me.
“You want me to tell you why I always want control, why I never bend?”
I didn’t respond.
“It’s because I’m not allowed to. I don’t have the …
luxury of being free with my emotions. They’ve been used against me before, so I try as much as possible to stop that from happening again.
I protect myself and my heart.” Her gaze pierced mine.
“This thing I’m doing, telling you all of this …
I don’t … I don’t do it. I don’t want to do it, but…
” She shrugged with a cautious smile. “You’re worth it. ”
My resolve melted, but I didn’t speak.
She sighed. “Just tell me how I can fix this.”
“Why do you want to fix it?”
“I don’t know? Because—I thought aside from us … aside from the physical aspect of our relationship, I thought we were friends?”
Friends. I didn’t want that.
I nodded. “I have heard all you’ve said, I understand the position you might have been put in on that bus, and I apologize for the mental stress I might have caused afterward, but I still fail to understand what you want from me.”
She blew out a breath like I had been making her work out for hours, and then she took the final step closer to me, and I could feel her warmth.
“You,” she stated. “I want you; I want your body, your fucking weirdness, just you … all of you.”
A warm, gentle glow settled inside me, but I locked my jaw as I said, “At this point, you’re picking out my own words and throwing them back at me.”
“Oh, come on, Elio!” she snapped, and it took all my resolve not to smile.
“I am doing the best I can here; I want to swallow my own fucking tongue for even saying all of this shit to you! You’re a fucking asshole who looks like he wants to kill me half the time, but I’ve known you for months, and you have wanted to kill me for months, but you ended up fucking me instead and telling me you like me but still want to slit my throat, and here we are!
” She breathed out. “Here I am, doing the same while trying not to decapitate you for making me talk too much.”
“Thought you liked talking.”
“You know what? Fuck you, and fuck this.” She walked around me quickly, already opening the door to leave, but I was faster, my front pressed to her back as my hand rose to slam the door shut before she could even open it fully.
With my palm still pressing on the door, a few spaces above and beside her head, and my body still locking hers between me and the door, I gave her a tiny space, and she turned around sharply with a murderous glare. “If you know what’s fucking good for you, you would let me o—”
I caught her remaining words with my lips.
And it took the warmth from her mouth on mine, the thundering hard gripping and tightness in my chest, the nerve-tingling feeling up my spine to my stomach, and the goose bumps arising on my skin for me to realize the mind-rocking clarity of what I’d just done.
I had broken my last rule.