Chapter 12
Chapter
Twelve
MALICE
The five of us had found our footing with the members of the resistance, settling into an easy, if thin, camaraderie with the leaders of each faction.
The vampires had been the hardest to gain trust with, but that was part of their nature.
They trusted few and sparingly. You might assume the angels would be the holdouts, given that they’d seen what we could do and had their biases when it came to us.
But ultimately they were a mercurial sort, their alliances shifting along with their needs.
“I’ll see your twenty and raise another hundred,” Hades drawled, tossing a few black chips into the center of the table.
Sin groaned and flung his cards down. “You’re cheating. You have to be.”
Hades was impossible to read, the bastard, and I couldn’t tell if Sin was on to something or if the god of the underworld was bluffing. My gut told me he was a dirty liar.
“Call,” I muttered. It wasn’t real money, and I needed to see if my instincts were right.
Grim pressed a kiss to Merri’s shoulder. He’d won the last round and claimed her as his prize before tugging her down onto his lap. Ever since he’d learned he could touch her freely, he’d taken every opportunity to do so. Not that I could blame him; it was essentially the same for all of us.
Still mostly focused on Merri and her soft giggles, Grim pushed his chips forward while nibbling his way up the side of her neck.
Chaos glared in their direction before folding.
“Afraid of a little challenge?” Hades asked, eyebrow raised at Chaos.
“I’m not going to lose to any of you.”
Sin cleared his throat. “Technically you are losing because you f—”
His words were cut off by the unexpected arrival of three figures and a rather incredulous voice shouting, “Daddy?”
I shot to my feet, sending cards and chips flying as the table toppled over.
“Christ,” Hades snapped, jumping out of the way and grumbling, “you don’t have to be a sore loser, Mal.”
But my attention was no longer on them; it was locked entirely on the purple demon who was currently glaring daggers at the devil.
Pan.
My son.
My. Son.
I sucked in a harsh breath just as someone else shouted, “Oh, thank fuck, Sunshine!” There was a blur in my periphery as several figures raced toward the newcomers, but my focus was still locked onto Pan.
As if sensing my distress, Lucifer smirked and purposefully tore his gaze from Pan’s eyes to mine. “Yes. Malice, you are the father.”
Pan whipped his head in my direction, his eyes following Lucifer’s path. When they found me, they widened before narrowing with suspicion. A high-pitched ringing filled my ears as my skin buzzed with the physical manifestation of the magnitude of this moment.
My chest tightened, and I was overcome with the unfamiliar sensation of not being able to draw breath.
I didn’t actually need to breathe, which made this a clear psychosomatic event, but even so, I couldn’t seem to protect myself from the sensation.
The slick chill of sweat coating my skin only added to my unease, creating another layer of pure discomfort.
Fuck. If I didn’t figure out a way to get a handle on my emotional turmoil, I’d be useless before long.
Before long? Who was I kidding? I was already there.
“Mal? Malice?” Merri’s voice sounded like she was speaking to me from inside a tunnel before rushing up to full volume and replacing the ringing in my ears as she placed a hand on my arm.
“Y-yes?” I stuttered, the urge to look at her warring with the need to drink in the sight of my son.
“Are you okay?”
“Decidedly not.”
“Do you need to sit down?”
I shook my head, hands trembling so hard I had to clench them into fists before finally admitting, “I’m not sure what I need.”
As I watched, Rosie raced to Pan’s side and flung her arms around him. He tore his attention from me and gave it all to her.
“Thank the stars you’re back. Are you all right? Did they hurt you?”
“No, ma petite monstre, they didn’t. In fact, thanks to a visit from Merri, I’m back in more ways than one.” His tail snaked its way around her throat, causing her to blush.
A wave of guilt washed over me for bearing witness to their intimate reunion, but it was gone as quickly as it came. They weren’t ashamed.
Rosie gave a watery laugh. “I’m more relieved to see you.”
“Likewise,” he purred, claiming her lips in a hungry kiss.
“Now that’s how you say hello,” Sin murmured from my other side.
I grunted.
“Do you want me to introduce you?” Merri offered gently.
“I don’t want to interrupt.”
“Do it,” Chaos ordered.
I tossed a glance back at him over my shoulder. “Who died and made you the boss?”
He boldly held my stare, arms folded over his chest. “This is important. Don’t waste the opportunity, Mal. You may not get another.”
“He’s right,” Merri said.
“We can all go with you,” Grim offered, surprising me.
“No. I don’t want to overwhelm him.”
“We’ll stay here then, in case you need us,” Sin said.
I couldn’t imagine what I would need them for, but I was oddly touched by the show of support.
“Thanks.”
“Come on,” Merri said, taking my hand in hers and tugging.
My feet were stuck to the floor for a heartbeat before I was able to move, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. Not until we were across the room and mere steps away from my son. To his left, Kingston was inspecting Sunday, clearly searching for scrapes and bruises.
“A stor!” Caleb shouted as he stormed into the room, followed by Alek and Thorne.
The four men quickly shuffled their mate out of the room, leaving our group, a smirking Lucifer, and my son, who was smiling suggestively at his mate.
“Shall we continue this somewhere more private?” he asked, holding her face in his hands.
She blushed and cleared her throat. “I think there’s someone else who would like to speak with you.”
Pan’s jaw clenched, his next words coming out so cold that I flinched.
“So? He ignored me for the last handful of centuries. Why should I kowtow to his sudden interest now?”
“Pan,” Rosie chided.
“No,” I said gruffly. “It’s all right. He’s entitled to his anger.”
“Um . . . I hate to appear needy, but I’ve done the absolute most, and no one has acknowledged me,” Lucifer stated, his tone laced with indignation. “Meredith, where is my appreciation? No kiss for the hero of the hour?”
“I’m a little busy at the moment,” she tersely replied, squeezing my hand a little tighter. “Not everything is about you, Lucifer.”
“But it should be.”
“Don’t be such an ass.”
“Give me what I want, and perhaps I’ll try to be a little nicer.”
“Why should I reward bad behavior?”
“It’s okay,” I said softly, loosening my hold on her hand. “You can go.”
“No,” she snapped, refusing to let go of me. “You need me right now. He’s being a selfish jerk.”
Lucifer scoffed. “Is it a crime to want to be acknowledged?”
“Well done, Luc. I’ll see you later.”
He looked like he was about to protest further when Merri spoke again, this time her voice deeper and laced with sensual command. “Wait for me in your room. You’d better be there when I arrive.”
Lucifer’s eyes glazed before he snapped to attention. “Well, when you ask so nicely, how could I refuse?”
Grim made eye contact with me as he slowly made his way to the door. Then he said, in a voice that brooked no argument, “Everyone out. These two need to talk.”
I didn’t release Merri’s hand as the room emptied of all but Pan, Rosie, Merri, and me.
“They didn’t have to leave. I have nothing to say to someone who abandoned me for centuries,” Pan reiterated.
“Pandemic, I—”
“I’m really not interested.”
“Pan,” a voice said from the doorway.
We all looked over to find Asher standing there, giving his brother a knowing look.
Pan glared back mulishly.
“Give him a chance to explain,” Asher insisted. “I’d give anything for five minutes with my father.”
“You owe it to yourself to hear him out,” Rosie added. “For closure, at the very least.”
Pan heaved a sigh whilst I held my breath and waited for his decision.
“Fine. You have five minutes.”
Rosie slid a palm over Pan’s chest and looked up at him. “Shall I stay with you?”
With a shake of his head, he softened a little before saying, “No. You need to be off your feet. I’ve caused you enough stress these last few days already. The only time I want you exhausted is after one of our sessions.”
She blushed prettily before nodding and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “All right. Come find me when you’re done.”
“Of course.”
Rosie left with Asher, their heads bowed together as they disappeared.
“You too,” I murmured to Merri.
“But—”
“Go on, hellcat. I’m a big boy. I can do this on my own. I need to,” I added before she could argue. “Take the others with you.”
“If you need me . . .”
Squeezing her hand, I nodded, letting her know I could reach out to her through our bond.
Then it was down to the two of us. My son and me.
“You have my eyes,” I murmured. I’d seen him without his knowledge more times than I could count, but I’d never been near enough to take in all the details of his features. Not like this.
Pan snorted in derision. “Oh, please, let’s avoid the fake sentimentality, shall we?
You might as well start with your litany of excuses.
I’m sure you have them all loaded up and ready to go.
” He made a show of selecting a chair and sitting down with his hands folded over his knee.
“Go on then. Tell me why I should forgive you for being the poster boy for abandonment.”
If his words were a blade, I’d be covered in weeping wounds by now.
At this point, I had nothing to lose. His mother was already trying to kill him, with or without me in his life. He deserved the truth. “She told me she’d kill you if I ever tried to see you again.”
Pan went eerily still, his jaw losing some of its tension as he studied me. After several strained seconds, he cleared his throat. “Well, I must admit, as far as excuses go, it’s a strong one.” Then his eyes narrowed. “Wait. You said ‘again,’ but we’ve never met.”
“I went to her after my brother told me you’d been born.
I had no idea Odette was pregnant. Hadn’t even known it was possible, but as soon as I found out, I tried to be part of your life.
She made it clear that was never going to happen, and she played on my paternal instincts.
” I had to suck in a breath to get the next part out.
“I never stopped keeping tabs on you, but I refused to put your life at risk because of my own selfish desires. So if you hate me for that, I understand. But all I ever did was take care of you the only way I knew how.”
Distrust flashed in his eyes but was quickly replaced by understanding. “She is a horrible cunt.”
“True. The worst.”
“And she can’t be trusted.”
“Also true.”
“She told me you were some lowlife demon.”
I shrugged. “Not quite.”
“So I see.”
“What else did she tell you?”
“That a child did not align with your lofty aspirations.”
I clenched my jaw so hard my teeth made a grinding sound.
Pan finally looked away, appearing vulnerable for the first time as he admitted in a softer voice, “I’ll confess that much of my motivation when I was younger was trying to prove that I was better than you.
Each act of destruction, each plague, just one more notch in the bedpost to show that I had vastly superseded anything you could ever hope to achieve.
But I guess the joke’s on me in the end, seeing as you’re . . . well, you.”
His confession nearly sent me to my knees. Usually ego would have me nodding, but I was overcome with a much different impulse, one almost exclusively reserved for Merri: the need to comfort.
“I’m not so sure about that. You saved the world once already. And it’s not exactly like I ever achieved my purpose. Your Auntie Death holds that title. Seems to me that of the two of us, you’ve accomplished more than I ever have.”
The way his posture changed reminded me of a deflating balloon. All of his bluster, his bravado, left him in a whoosh.
“You’re not at all as I expected,” he said.
“And you are exactly like I was centuries ago. Full of piss and vinegar.”
Pan snickered. “If you think I’m bad now, you should have seen me when I had my horns. I was a nightmare in every sense of the word.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Now that I believe.” After a beat, I risked asking the question floating around my mind. “Why leave them like that?”
His eyes, twins of my own, met and held mine. “Leave what, like how?”
“Your horns. I see you reclaimed the rest of your demonic persona, but you left those shorn to stumps. Why?”
“Ah.” A ghost of a smile curled his lips as his gaze went distant and unfocused. “It’s a reminder of my choice.”
“May I ask what choice that was?”
He swallowed, and his eyes cleared. “The only one that truly mattered in the end. Power or love.”
“You chose love.”
“Obviously.”
“Was it an easy choice?” I asked, the question leaving my lips before I realized I’d asked it aloud.
“It was the only choice. Rosie is the only option I would ever truly consider.”
I nodded slowly, knowing when it came to Merri, I felt exactly the same.
Pan’s lip curled in disgust before he muttered, “Feelings.”
I simply responded, “Blech.” But inwardly, it was all I could do not to laugh at how alike we were.
He huffed out a laugh. “You’re not a fan either?”
“Not remotely. Nasty things, them.”
“Here I thought I’d gotten that from Mum, but I guess it must have been you.”
“Looks like.”
He studied me, some of the levity fading before he declared, “I suppose there are worse traits to inherit.”
“I did give you my power.”
Now he was grinning and rising to his feet. “I do quite enjoy that part.”
“And the rest?” I asked, knowing what I was really asking was what he thought about me in general.
He made a show of looking me up and down before sighing dramatically. “It could be worse, so I guess as far as fathers go, you’ll do.”
Weight that I’d carried for centuries dropped away as he held out a hand for me to shake. Without thinking, I grasped him tightly in my arms and held him as I had dreamt of doing since I first learned of his existence. He tensed in my hold momentarily before relaxing, then pulling away.
He cleared his throat, and an arrogant mask I knew far too well from my own glances in the mirror slipped into place. “What makes you think I’m a . . . hugger?”
Throat tight, I wiped away an errant tear and pulled myself together. Bloody hell, Merri had turned me into a watering pot. “Oh, yes, apologies. I was quite overcome and forgot myself.”
Pan’s eyes locked with mine as he gave a terse nod and said solemnly, “Feelings.” Then his lips curled and together we said, “Blech.”