Chapter 11 Penny
Penny
THEN
The mall is packed with moms and their daughters shopping for dresses. Sophomore year winter formal is a big deal. It’s a dance hosted at an outside venue, and some of my friends have their driver’s license, meaning we don't have to get dropped off by parents anymore.
But I won’t be sixteen for another month.
Nan, Fia, and I quickly pass every store I want to go in, full of dresses I’ve seen in the magazines. The ones my friends will be wearing.
I gaze at the colorful window displays, sighing.
We head to the back of the department store, straight past the mannequins with the gorgeous sequined gowns that would probably fit me like a glove, and to the dimly lit, forgotten corner where the discounted dresses are thrown on broken racks.
The fact that Nan agreed to buy me a brand new dress is a big deal, though—even if it’s off the sale rack.
“Oh, this is pretty.” Fia grabs a purple dress and twirls around in front of the mirror.
I sift through dresses that look very three seasons ago, but try to smile. “I want a pink dress.”
“We’ll find you something,” Nan reassures me, looking through dresses in my size. “And remember, even if it’s ripped or too big, I can fix it.”
My enthusiasm wavers because everything on the rack looks frumpy, last season, or full of big flower patterns that appear like they belong on a tablecloth.
However, ten minutes later, I’m in the fitting room, trying on dresses that Nan insisted would look beautiful on me. She can be very convincing.
A pale-pink one with beads on the straps and ruching on the sides catches my eye. It’s the only one that doesn’t look like it belongs on a mother-of-the-bride, so I slip it on and come out into the dressing room corridor, doing a little spin in my socks.
From the floor she's sitting on, Fia gives me two thumbs-up, and Nan drops her jaw dramatically.
“Are you sure you didn’t get asked to the dance? Because you are a beauty queen, missy.” She comes over, rubbing the pink satin fabric between her fingers. “I find it hard to believe that not a single boy asked you.”
My cheeks grow hot, and I look away.
I hate lying to Nan—it’s the worst feeling.
“No one did, but it’s okay, Nan! Really.” I twirl, checking out my backside. The dress is tight enough to show off my ass, but not too tight that Nan says no. “I’m excited to go with Grace and Evie.”
Nan grabs the tag hanging out the back, putting on her tortoise-shell readers. I already looked—it’s 60% off, so I think she’ll say yes.
“Plus, Danny and Jesse will be there,” I add, shrugging.
“Yeah, because no girls would ever say yes to them, they are so gross.” Fia rolls her eyes.
“Seriously,” I add, pretending to agree. Well, actually, my brother is pretty grungy.
Nan flashes us a stern look.
“Yeah, well, lucky for them, Grace and Evie agreed they could go with us as a group,” I add, and Nan’s gaze meets mine in the mirror.
“Oh good, you can keep an eye on them. Make sure they don’t get into trouble.” She winks at me, and I nod, keeping my face as serious as I can.
“I’ll try my best, they are wild animals,” I joke and quickly slip into the fitting room to change out of this dress.
“Let’s stop at the shoe store, they have a buy-one-get-one sale,” Nan says, reaching a hand over the door to grab my dress.
“Thanks, Nan, I appreciate it. I love the dress,” I say when I come out and meet them at the register. She kisses my cheek, and I get a whiff of her signature jasmine perfume.
“Sure thing, honey.”
I always pictured my first dance differently. I thought my boyfriend would pick me up at my house, bring me one of those fancy flowers for my wrist, and Nan would take pictures of us on our steps.
Instead, my boyfriend lives in the room across the hall from me, and no one in the world even knows we’re dating.
They can’t know.
Jesse passed me a note under my door three nights ago after everyone else went to bed, and I’ve reread it so many times, the paper’s getting soft.
P,
You know there’s no one else in the world I’d rather go to homecoming with than you, right? It’s killing me that we can’t go together like normal couples at school. I know we'll all be together as a friend group, but I need you to know, in my heart, it's just you Pen. Always just you.
It’s going to be torture not being able to dance with you, especially if they play our song. But if another guy tries to grind up on you, I can’t promise you I won’t knock them out. Not even sorry for that.
I can’t wait to see you in your pink dress. I’m not sure how I’ll hide my reaction from everyone, because you’re going to look so damn stunning, as always.
xo,
J
I always had a crush on Jesse, but I never meant to fall for him like that…
It just happened. One day, he was my best friend—the one who always knew when something was wrong without me saying a word, and then suddenly, he was everywhere.
In my yard, laughing with my brother. On the couch, eating cereal like he’d always lived here.
And he did belong, which is what made this so impossible.
I couldn’t say anything. If Nan found out, Jesse would have to leave and go back to his awful family, or foster care. Somewhere away from me. Where I couldn't make sure he was safe.
So I kept quiet as long as I could. I pretended I didn’t get butterflies when he brushed up against me in the hallway, didn’t feel a pang of jealousy when he was partnered with other girls in biology.
But then came the beach day.
Maybe it was the hazy pink sky, or how it had been the best day ever with him and all our friends. Everyone else wandered off at one point, and it was just Jesse and me. We sat in the sand under the pier at Kure Beach, overlooking the waves, but I couldn’t take my eyes off his sun-kissed face.
“Jesse… I like you.” It slipped out small and shaky, and I instantly wished I could suck it back in.
Jesse froze for a second, and I thought I’d ruined everything. But then he turned an adorable shade of red and glanced over at me. And without a word, he scooted closer in the sand and wrapped his arms around me like he’d been holding back all day.
“I like you, too, Pen…a lot.”
Now I turned bright red and hid my face behind my beach-tousled hair.
My heart was pounding so loud I almost didn’t hear him say, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kiss you, Penny Hanson.”
I looked up, and he leaned closer.
“Can I?” he asked.
I nodded with my heart in my throat, and Jesse pulled me closer, kissing me right there as the sun was setting. It was magic, pure fucking magic.
I still replay it in my head every night as I drift to sleep.
He’s better than the movies, he’s my real-life prince charming.
But no one knows about the kiss, or him being my boyfriend—which we established about three minutes after that kiss.
Even my best friends, Grace and Evie, don’t know because they can’t keep their mouths shut, and it would get back to Danny. I don’t think he’d tell Nan, but it would make things pretty awkward. And if Fia found out, we’d be totally screwed. Good thing my sister’s always in la-la land.
So for now, I keep my mouth shut and hope one day Nan forgives me for lying.