Prologue #7
I closed my eyes again and allowed my thoughts to roam.
If I was going to take the leap that I was contemplating, I wanted to do it with accuracy and purpose.
Ken wasn’t just anybody and this wasn’t a situation I could walk into with that frame of mind, either.
It was imperative that I understood what it would mean for the both of us if the email I was planning to send served its purpose.
Therefore, penning a cute little love letter wouldn’t suffice.
He’d read right through me, just like Luca and Laike did all the time.
With my body submerged under water, the words began to flow in the back of my mind.
Slowly, the idea was vivid and so was the email’s context.
I knew my angle and I knew just how I’d work it.
There was nothing I wanted to leave him to question or ponder on.
Each point that I made, I would expound upon and any question I could think of that would arise I’d answer before the words ran out.
With my water still at a near-scorching temperature, I belted from the tub and snatched the bathrobe from the hook on the wall beside it.
The words were at the tips of my fingers and before I forgot a single one, I wanted to put them onto paper.
Well, in an email in this case. Skipping my nightly facial routine for the first time in months, I rushed through the bathroom and into my bedroom.
I made a mental note to return before bed for a shower and to complete my religious facial regime. For now, none of that mattered.
I plopped down onto the cushion of my office chair, simultaneously tapping the keypad of my iMac to start it up.
After punching in my passcode, the screen altered a bit to display my desktop and the photo of Essence, Emorey, Elle, and I that I loved so much.
Just as I opened the Chrome application, a notification bell sounded and a new email popped up on the right side of my screen.
Ever Eisenberg.
Here’s the link that you’ll need to set up the email service. It only takes a few seconds.
Attached was a link that I clicked immediately.
I chuckled at the fact that my friend knew me so well.
She had definitely awakened and remembered the conversation we’d had.
Before she passed out for the night, in the comfort of her own bedroom, she wanted to make sure that I was reminded as well.
Fortunately, I was on the same page as her.
The email would save me a bit of time and research.
eNMATE was the website that launched from the link I’d clicked from Ever’s email. Just like she’d stated, it only took a few seconds to create my account and find Ken. He was the only Black, male Keanu in the system which made locating him that much easier.
I added money to the account for us both to participate in the two-way emailing service.
It was only a dollar and seventy-five cents per send and the same amount to receive.
Though I made it through the set up rather swiftly, when I clicked the tab to compose a new message, my heart swelled in my chest and my thoughts ran to the furthest corner of my brain.
Grow up. Ever’s words caused me to smile as I shook off the nerves that I was feeling inside.
She was right. I needed to get my shit together and put my fears behind me.
If she could see the admiration that Keanu supposedly had for me, then I didn’t understand why I couldn’t.
Ever would never steer me wrong, intentionally, so I knew there was truth to her revelation.
I’d only seen the poor girl lie once and that was to keep my brother out of trouble. She hated to do that even.
KEANU,
I’m wishing you the happiest of birthdays today.
I know that your situation isn’t ideal for any of us but let’s just count this year as a blessing in disguise.
I don’t have to go into grave detail about who I am because I’m certain you’ve already gathered that from my information that’s probably displayed on your screen right now.
My list of reasons for being here is so extensive that I’m hoping there’s room in your inbox and in your heart to receive it.
Though these words are long overdue, it’s quite difficult to sit here and write them.
But I felt it was time to share these feelings I’ve acquired for you over the years with someone other than Ever for once.
If I’m overstepping boundaries or you simply don’t feel the same as I do, then you have my permission to disregard this message altogether.
Hell, maybe I shouldn’t be writing it at all, but I’m too invested now to stop.
Since the night of my prom when you stepped out of your Lexus wearing a red Ralph Lauren cap, tight eyes from the buds you’d consumed, dark denim, and a white shirt to match, my heart has belonged to you.
It was that very moment when I realized I was more interested in Keanu Brinks than I was Ken.
I’d known Ken all my life and though he was already part of my family, it was Keanu that I truly desired companionship with.
Maybe I’d known it for some time, but nothing compared to that night. My feelings changed. My heart changed. And, I wanted nothing more than for you to be headed to prom with me. For you to take me to dinner that night. For you to dance with me until my feet were tired. For you to be mine.
As I grew, so did my feelings for you. Even when I didn’t see you at all during the time Luca was away, my heart was still attached to you.
Every man I’ve ever encountered or was involved with was always compared to you.
He’s not dark enough. He’s not tall enough.
He’s not tough enough. He’s not wild enough.
He’s not clean enough. He’s not him. He’s not Keanu.
It’s been my plight since that night, no matter how different it might’ve seemed.
I only advanced in prior relations with others to keep my mind off you.
But like a boomerang, I always end up right back here, feeling exactly how I felt when I heard your voice on the phone tonight.
Feeling like it’s you for me and me for you.
Your presence takes me under. I feel like I’m floating most times, but since you’ve been gone it’s felt like I’m underneath the water, drowning. I wept the night that you went away, and I find myself on my knees praying for your safe return every day.
I miss you like I miss Sunday mornings at my parents’ before church. I miss you like the melodies and love-driven lyrics of old R&B. I miss you like a long, lost love that I’ll never get back again. I miss you like I miss you – like only I could miss you.
My calendar is marked each day that you’re away. I’m counting down until you come home like you’re coming home to me. Maybe one day, huh? Maybe soon?
When I’m alone at night and I begin to touch myself, it’s you that appears behind my lids. I’ve wondered for far too long how well we’d mesh together, how my body must contour to your frame, and how we probably fit together like two puzzle pieces.
I often imagine the faces of our children and what being loved by you must feel like.
A cozy autumn night with cocoa in-hand and a sappy flick playing on the television.
Does it feel like that? Or a stroll on the beach as the sun sets in the background with sand between my toes.
Is that what it would feel like? Maybe roaring thunder and rain after a drought. Could that be what it feels like?
I’ve wanted to love you for so long but as each year passes the idea seems more and more like a figment of my imagination – like it could never be my reality.
Could it be? Could you and I be more than a blissful moment in my head each night before bed and at the top of the morning when my eyelids part?
Sometimes when your gaze lingers on me, I wonder if I’m imagining it or if you might actually feel the same way that I feel. Or anything even remotely close. How do you feel, Keanu? I’m desperate to know.
Tonight I asked Ever if she thought it was possible to be utterly in love with someone that you haven’t had the pleasure of loving on. She told me she loved Luca from the moment she saw his face. I was relieved knowing that I’m not bat shit crazy and the things I feel for you are possible.
Because I’m in love with every inch of you.
The darkness of your skin. The perfection of your smile.
The gold teeth that you love hiding your pearly whites behind.
Your dimples, both of them. The curves of your wide nose and the fullness of your lips.
Your eyes, as curious and big as they are.
Your fearlessness. Your loyalty. Your pride.
I’m in love with every part of you, even the darkest ones.
I’m just hoping I’m not in this alone. Stepping out on a limb and sending this message shows me just how smitten I am with you. Just how deep my feelings run for you. I’m just wondering if you’re feeling the same way, too.
Lyric.
Without reading over my words and without hesitation, I pressed the send button.
If I read through it, I knew that I’d be changing things or deleting the message altogether.
I wanted my raw, honest, and unfiltered thoughts to reach Ken as I intended versus the polished ones proofreading my words would result in.
“Did I really just send that?” I squealed, already feeling the embarrassment that was to follow.
Immediate regret swarmed me. I was an Eisenberg and our pride was everything, but as I sat considering what I’d just done, mine was displaced.
My chest burned, aching as I stared at the computer screen.
Your message has been sent stared back at me.
I wanted to puke as I read it for the fifth time in a row.
I really just sent that. In silence, I pushed myself away from my desk and thought.
“I really just sent that,” I said aloud as I stood to my feet and treaded across the floor.