Chapter 24
Chapter
Twenty-Four
Kainda
S hopping finished, supplies loaded into the car, time to hit the road. I’d never seen someone so happy to have a couple t-shirts and pairs of jeans. Now, we just needed to get some food and get to base camp. Hida had texted me the coordinates while we’d shopped. We had a couple of hours drive before we made it. When I pulled into the parking lot of a Subway restaurant, Elijah had smiled so big I’d worried about his cheeks.
He climbed out of the car as soon as I’d put it in park.“I’ve missed take-out. Hospital food is awful, and I pray I’ll never have to eat it again.”
“Well, I’m going to make sure you don’t go back to the hospital after this. You don’t belong there. Now, let’s get something to eat and order a couple extra sandwiches, I can’t promise whatever Hida left at base camp is edible.”
With a nod of his head, he held the door for me. He looked up at the menu, out of the way of the busy line, while I looked at him. Like any restaurant, they’d changed their menu in the last year while he’d been in the hospital. After a minute, he jumped into line and I followed him. When the girl behind the counter walked up, I listened to him order and ask a question or two, completely oblivious to everything around me.
His fear of going back to the hospital had surprised me. I’d told him I would take care of it after Uttu was dealt with, and I’d meant it. Despite wanting to leave him behind, I’d planned to keep my word and make sure any loose ends from his jailbreak were tied up like a bow. He somehow managed to surprise me with his open vulnerability, maybe because I’d never shown anyone that side of me. I rarely allowed myself to even admit I had those feelings, even only to my subconscious.
It confused me because he didn’t come off as weak or a coward. Sure, as a human, he was physically weaker than me or any other supernatural. Even when he startled me awake with that nightmare last night, I didn’t think of him as weak. It was entirely the opposite, his strength despite everything and the continual trauma of reliving it in his sleep, it blew me away. He thought he’d broken, but he didn’t, his body and mind had gone into survival mode. That survival mode had landed him in the hospital, it didn’t mean he’d broken.
He’d only been free of the demon’s venom for twenty-four hours, and already he’d made improvements. For that matter, he’s holding up remarkably without the psychiatric medications, but that could be attributed to his supernatural whatever. Cutting him off from his medications so suddenly being dangerous or detrimental hadn’t occurred to me, and it made me a real ass.
“Kainda.” Elijah’s voice broke into my thoughts and I looked up to see him watching me with worry pinching his brows.
The girl behind the counter asked, “Ma’am, are you okay?”
“I’m fine why?” I’d missed something obviously and the way not only the girl looked at me had my anxiety spiking, but everyone around us had turned to see what was happening.
Elijah stepped closer to me, leaning down he whispered, “She’s tried three times to get your attention, and you completely zoned out. I called your name twice before you finally snapped out of it. Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” When he still looked at me with concern, I added. “Promise. There’s still a lot left to take care of before it’s finished. I’m just preoccupied with checking off my mental to-do list.”
He nodded and moved back up the line to finish ordering his sandwiches. Turning back to the girl behind the counter, I had to fight off the bitch face. Defensive mode had been activated and while it wasn’t her fault, I kinda wanted to take it out on her, for absolutely no sane reason. I concentrated on keeping a fake smile in place and my voice pleasant as I ordered my own sandwiches. But those were going to fail if she didn’t quit giving me the worried side eye. Thankfully, she didn’t mention it again and stopped checking on me visually after the third look.
The rest of the stop passed quickly and uneventful. As soon as we got back in the car, Elijah turned to me, giving me the same worried look. Great, just what I needed. I did not want to talk about my feelings. For a guy, he sure was in touch with his emotions and he was always wanting to talk about mine. I shuddered, I can’t handle that.
“Before you even start, for the last time, I’m fine. We’ve got a couple of hours until we get to the trail head for the base camp. Once we arrive, there will be nothing around for miles, need anything else?” Please let him take the change of subject in stride and just go with it.
He shook his head as I pulled out of the parking lot. I guess I could catch a break every once in a while. Turning in his seat, he put away all but one of each of our sandwiches in the cooler. Instead of turning back to the front and eating his food, he stayed facing me. Please drop it , I prayed to which ever deity happened to be listening.
“I’m terrified, in case you were wondering. Heading back into the lion’s den feels foolish and has me on the verge of hyperventilating.”
Okay, talking about his feelings I could handle, probably. “That’s normal, I’d worry if you didn’t feel afraid. I can’t promise everything will be okay because I can’t see the future and realistically something is bound to go sideways. We’re attempting to pull off what amounts to a miracle, and nothing ever goes exactly as planned. But, I’m going to do everything in my power to carry this plan off without a hitch.”
“I know all of that logically, but it doesn’t change that animalistic instinct in me telling me to get the hell out of dodge. It gives me some measure of peace to admit to myself and out loud how I’m feeling. There is nothing wrong in voicing your fears to me because out of anyone I can’t and won’t judge you. You’ve seen me at my lowest points, you’ve felt my every dark thought of my time in that cave during the spell, and you don’t judge me for it.” He put his hand on my thigh, “Talk to me, please.”
Why couldn’t he have been some macho, alpha male dude that wouldn’t know a feeling if it bit him on the ass?
The light turned red as soon as I stopped, I turned to him. “I’m not scared. You want to know what I was thinking about back there that had me so zoned out I lost complete awareness of my surroundings? Do you understand how dangerous that is for someone in my line of work? You, it was you taking up every conscious thought!”
He looked at me like I’d grown a second head, but I wasn’t finished. “I stood there like a knot on a log, admiring you and your mental fortitude. Gods be damned, but you have started to consume my thoughts! That scares me, not Uttu, but you and what you make me feel.”
“Kai—”
A frustrated growl escaped me. “Shut up! I’m not finished. In the same instant, you amaze me and break my heart. And don’t you dare think it’s because I feel sorry for you, because I don’t. She didn’t break you, and that makes you stronger than you know. You might have fallen a part a little when you went into survival mode, but the fact you’re bouncing back like this is a fucking miracle. I can’t let my head get all screwed up over you, it’ll get both of us killed. She could’ve attacked back there, and I wouldn’t have registered it until it might’ve been too late.”
Beep! A car horn blared from behind me and I saw the light had turned green. Fantastic, he was still doing it. I pressed down on the gas and gave the other driver an undeserved middle finger because I was pissed at myself and I couldn’t do the gesture to myself. My face felt hot and if I looked in the mirror, it’d be an ugly shade of red that clashed with my hair. I reach for the dial to turn on the radio, but his hand shot out and stopped me.
“Can I talk now?”
Sneaking a look at him, mistake. Anger vibrated off of him, and his dark eyes had narrowed on me. Good, he could be pissed all he wanted to. “No, you can’t.”
“Well, too damn bad. We don’t always get what we want. Life’s a bitch and then you die.” He let go of my hand when I yanked it back but kept on talking. “That’s the most you’ve said to me about your feelings since I’ve met you. At least when you’re pissed at me, I know you’re feeling something. I might have been what was on your mind back there, but I know you’re scared because you’re human?—”
I seethed. “I’m a witch!”
“Half witch, half human. But the last time I checked, being a witch doesn’t mean you don’t have human feelings. Like humans, witches and everything else with sentient thought, you have emotions and are capable of making mistakes. Blame me all you want for feeling cracking through your icy shell even a fraction.”
He thought of me as icy. For some reason I got caught on that and I didn’t like it. Maybe it was because I thought of myself as fiery. Or maybe Kainda, it’s because icy is usually a negative thing, and you give a shit what he thinks of you. That stupid voice again. It didn’t help that he was right. Oh, I hated it.
Seeing a scenic overlook up ahead, I pulled over because fighting like this and driving, recipe for disaster. Walking it off probably wouldn’t hurt either. Thankfully, no other cars had pulled in. As soon as the car went into park, I jumped out, not bothering to turn it off. I needed the fresh air. But E didn’t get the message that I needed a minute because he shut the car off and jumped out only a second behind me.
I didn’t want to fight with him. That hadn’t been my intention. But my short fuse temper I got from my mother had lit and quickly exploded. It didn’t help that he was right, either. Fear had me gripped in its claws like a vice. Theron had gone after this demon, and he had failed; he was the strongest person I’d ever met, and he’d failed. What did that say about my chances at success?
“You’re not him. Comparing yourself against his measure isn’t fair.” His voice sounded all too close, but I refused to turn around to see.
A sigh came out of me as exhaustion crashed over me. I’d been running for far too long on too little, well, everything. Sleeping the bare minimum, eating junk when I bothered to eat at all, and always having an empty water bottle anytime I reached for a drink. I was running myself into the ground and putting myself at risk long before he came along.
“Stay out of my head.” There was no fight left in the words, just emptiness and exhaustion.
His arms wrapped around my waist from behind, pulling me back against him, his chin rested on top of my head. “If I knew how to control this, I would.”
“Ha.” The humorless laugh hurt just a little. “Liar, you enjoy knowing what I’m thinking and feeling whenever you catch those little snippets.”
He kissed the spot where his chin had been seconds before. “Shh, just pretend I meant it for a minute. But you know I’m right about your dad. You are two totally different people with different strengths, weaknesses, and experiences. Just because he failed doesn’t mean you will too.”
“Thanks for trying to make me feel better. You’re kinda good at the whole pep talk thing. We need to get back on the road.” But I didn’t make to head back to the car; instead, I stayed in his arms.